obviously i have no idea what being a woman is like, i don't really know what being a man is like except that sooner or later you have to be responsible and take responsibility for your self, but women are a mystery. motherhood is the strange bond that binds women together, it always has and always will, fathers are excluded from this as nature is sexist and our time comes later. but i've always found that both parents have a sacred responsibility to their children and this is something which confounds me. i was very very aware of this when i was a new father, each moment was precious and every interaction i had with my son was special. therefore for about three years i remained a great dad until a massive meltdown and i fucked up, nothing major but the repercussions were a divorce and nasty separation. i made a mistake, and i paid for it. however even during that period i attempted to be a great father, even if i only saw my son for a few hours those hours would be great. jakob is a brilliant individual and i knew this from conception, a magickal childe you could say, his nature was shaped and nurtured and never once did i ever humiliate or degrade him, never criticise or even reprimand him even though for many years after the divorce he held a lot of anger towards me and the political energy between him, his mother and myself was tense and twisted. i always gave my best, even when i was working insane hours, long shifts, spent of energy and resources, i never had money due to child support payments being massive, and often i never had a car. however i still know what my responsibilities were and lived up to them in a humane and reasonable way. why? why was i so aware of myself as a parent even though outside that role i was a extremist radical thinking revolutionary individual.
the answer lies in my childhood, which wasn't pretty.
i've blocked it, a few bumps and blows to the head finished the job but spending prolonged time with my family has really brought it all flooding back. my mother is insane. her hatred of me, yes that is exactly what it is, is a destructive force so powerful people are frightened of it and her. her vengeance is so strong that no one dares challenge her, no one dares stand up and say, 'you are a fucked unit' or at least, 'your behaviour is abusive.'
my family sit around a table talking about an english family we all know who go on holidays to foreign countries but stay in the hotel grounds around the pool. we are drinking whiskey and talking, it's very rare for me to be this close to my mother but it's been a long day and it's coming to an end, everyone laughing and joking around.
so what happens.
my mother is telling every one about the english family.
martin says, 'yeah they don't leave the hotel even to go shopping.'
mum agrees.
i say, 'yeah they even order fish and chips in the restaurant.'
and suddenly she's attacks me, 'no they don't, they eat gourmet food and it's australians that don't know how to have holidays and eat properly, and you are only here because your father earnt english money so don't you complain about the english.'
and on it went, the usual diatribe of absolute bullshit that i have to listen to until it becomes a barrage of guilt.
i stand up and say 'goodnight, i've had my quota of insults today so i think i will go to bed.'
as i leave i hear my mothers voice raving her fury at me.
i sit in my room wondering why i am putting myself through this and when it is going to end.
jackie comes in to encourage me out, 'what does she want from me?' i ask.
and that's the question, what does she want from me?
the answer is she hates me. it's that fucking simple.
some mothers hate their children and if they didn't fuck them up when they are kids they wait till they are older.
any opportunity she gets to humiliate, belittle, degrade or make me feel some sort of shame she will take, my father who is extremely weak when it comes to her will not do anything to upset her and the rest of the family all know she is crazy and just try to keep her laughing and happy.
jake in his infinite wisdom watches and absorbs and makes his own decisions. later we talk about it.
fuck i'm a lucky man, jakob is a remarkable human being, smart enough to have his own perceptive abilities and use his brain independently of constructed reality, he knows how memes work, he knows everything i do and therefore he is free from ideological agendas, he knows what's healthy and what's not. and he knows my mum, his grandmother is very unhealthy in her mind and relationship with me. in fact it's common knowledge. the only people in denial are my brother, my dad, and her.
today its a special day in israel where they remember the 6 million (which is exactly the number of jews in israel) so we went to a small service in the community we are staying, it was difficult to understand but it was actually quite beautiful and short, nothing to in your face and over the top.
the evening was spend talking about the holocaust and the fact that the camps where all over europe not just germany, my mother raving on about hating the germans and the poles and the french and the this and the that, and some one nodded and said they do also. now i understand fully the nature of this, what occurred was unprecedented and whatever deniers and revisionists say the facts are there for those who want to see them. but i did feel obliged to say, 'hating them makes us like them, let it go and forgive, that's how healing begins.'
most of the room agreed with me, but my mum looked at me in anger.
most jews have forgiven the perpetrators, it's not a big deal as the present climate has it's own pressures, a mad iranian with nukes, 850 million neighbours who want to strap bombs to their children and themselves and blow israel up, an eu mostly comprised of dictatorships that hate israel's democracy and libertine society. so dealing with the past is a fleeting thing here.
i personally think israel is an amazing country, to have come so far in 62 years is a miracle, it really is, the fourth most technologically advanced country on the planet, the most educated nation, the most innovative, on top of just survival. no wonder people hate it, it's a success.against all odds.