well well well, there's a surprise, a turn up for the books, just when i thunk it impossible. just at the 12th hour as the clock that ticks and tocks finally come towards its final tock.
i'm sleeping in my deep state, at peace. i have let go of it all. and at 0230 it's hardly surprising as there's nothing but the promise of REM sleep and the some delta programming on channel zzz...

i am awoken to bright white light pouring in through the windows, aliens i think. spectral forms move past the perimeter, i see humanoid shapes and whisperings. then a loud banging at my door. i search for my telephone, it's switched off and lays by my bed. i notice a stream of missed calls and texts from ms mission. i respond and she says, 'has the ambulance arrived?'
at the door stand two concerned medics, 'i'm okay,' i whisper and they leave quickly disappearing into the strange smoke-filled night as though called to an emergency in the physical realms.
where am i? i wonder.
ms mission arrives soon after. 
she presents herself as concerned about me and although i am jaded and somewhat exhausted offers me commitment.
have i already moved through her?
did we have our moment and did it pass or is this a trap?
is this bit real?
is this another test for me?
some sort of clever manipulation, some sort of weird set up.'
i am so damaged from the last year i don't know what to think and words pour out from my fragile head that i don't understand.
time seems to skip and i end up down the beach with her looking at a blazing red ball of sun, it's quite spectacular as it comes up over the water and creates a pathway straight to us.
i don't know, is this bliss now?
am i in ignorance?
it feels so good. is this the fork on the end of the steak. did the glamour infiltrate me completely utterly and am i selling my soul to it in female form.
we say a long goodbye, a tantric event occurs but it's a cycle, and we both feel it, overwhelming sensuality, a deep profound love. i have to heal from whatever damage i have sustained, this is me time now, it's a matter of survival. 
the hit i have taken is terminal, i was to dumb to see i have been bleeding out for the last 8-9 months.
bleeding out!
that's what has been happening. 



  


  

ego tripping- flaming lips

magic and loss
lou reed

When you pass through the fire
You pass through humble
You pass through a maze of self doubt
When you pass through humble
The lights can blind you
Some people never figure that out
You pass through arrogance, you pass through hurt
You pass through an ever-present past
And it's best not to wait for luck to save you
Pass through the fire to the light
As you pass through the fire
Your right hand waving
There are things you have to throw out
That caustic dread inside your head
Will never help you out
You have to be very strong
'Cause you'll start from zero
Over and over again
And as the smoke clears
There's an all-consuming fire
Lying straight ahead
They say no one person can do it all
But you want to in your head
But you can't be Joyce
So what is left instead?
You're stuck with yourself
And a rage that can hurt you
You have to start at the beginning again
And just this moment
This wonderful fire started up again
When you pass through humble
When you pass through sickly
When you pass through
I'm better than you all
When you pass through
Anger and self-deprecation
And have the strength to acknowledge it all
When the past makes you laugh
And you can savor the magic
That let you survive your own war
You find that that fire is passion
And there's a door up ahead; not a wall
As you pass through fire, as you pass through fire
Trying to remember its name
When you pass through fire, licking at your lips
You cannot remain the same
And if the building's burning
Move towards that door
But don't put the flames out
There's a bit of magic in everything
And then some loss to even things out

Van Morrison - dark night

I am a dead man who walked into a dead hotel on a dead-end road.

The hotel was old and made of ancient bones, some human, some animal and some alien-looking shapes I would never have recognised if it was not for my extra-terrestrial adventures. There was piped music playing as soon as I walked through the big swing door, a tune I recognized, Talking Heads, ‘Heaven.’

Sweet, I thought, nice ambient touch, soft candlelight flickered to give the air of a séance. Lush plush velvets and burning incense. The woman at the front desk was a dead ringer for a woman I once knew, she was older with grey hair and looked sadder than a country and western song. I offered her a gold coin and she beckoned me to sit down for a reading.

The hanged man.

Death.

And the lovers.

She looked into my eyes and whispered, ‘I only ever seen eyes that black in one man and he’s long dead.’

Her gaze penetrated but she couldn’t see past the wounded history she was recalling.

‘What do the cards say?’

‘You are a ghost.’

‘Am I?’

‘You come to haunt me?’

‘Is that why I am here?’

‘I don’t know, yet. I got a feeling you and I have unfinished business.’

‘Am I a memory or a disembodied spirit?’

She looks at me shocked, ‘It can’t be you, you are dead.’

‘So you say but then you know ghosts very well right?’

‘I spend my youth playing with them. Then I forgot all about them until I met…you.’

I pick up the lovers card, it’s from a much worn and frayed deviant moon pack.

‘These look familiar. Had them long.’

‘Yeah, a long long time.’

‘I remember when you got them.’

‘It is you.’

She steps down and towards me, a hand reaches out for my cheek but passes right through me.

She starts to cry.

‘Why did you return, have you come to haunt me?’

‘No. I came to liberate you.’

She smiles briefly and for the first time an affectionate look crosses her face.

‘You already did that.’

‘And now I return once more to complete unfinished business.’

‘What does that mean Mission.’

I reach out to touch her cheek and she looks in disbelief as my fingers pass through her.

She is shaking, ‘What does this mean, I can’t touch you and you can’t touch me.’

‘You always were and always will be my equal. Now I have come to take you home.’

the twin flame process is one thing but we have various other layers of dimensional influence working with us, therefore the connection is much deeper, complex and richer than human. it's post and metahuman and early on when we were both in the magick of it we understood our future selves where smart enough to leave us clues to navigate our way through the maze. we were amazing in that period, i was so open-hearted and in a love state and then it all came crashing down with various bad choices, sabotage and a complex situation that became impossible. i knew this but it was like trying to stop the tide, ego and vanity have their own power. my own damage sent me soaring into healing and questioning my own worth as it was inextricably linked to my twin.
never have i been so floored by any single experience. this partly destroyed me and changed everything. 
the months spent damaged and healing have been confronting and emotionally disturbing, an extreme tension between two people who really do love one another broke us but the connection is so very deep, so vast and unfathomable, it hurts our chest, it boils our blood like a furious new passion and raging fire, it links our minds and fuses our hearts violently.
the disappointment was in love not being what we thought it would be, there was no romance, no time with her as she was with someone else getting her romance fix, me i was so seeking her love and i never got it. i just got her anger and in turn she bore mine. we came close to destruction. but something kept us going, some strange fucking thing kept us moving towards one another incrementally. 
she's a complex mix, part male, part female, past lives entwined with mine, her karma now projected upon me, her past influenced my present and our future vision seemed to fade away. her polarity shifts were fucking me up completely, what was there for me to trust, in the end nothing was left. i couldn't trust anything she spoke. one day she would say i was her one, the next she would say something ambiguous. the ground fell from beneath my feet.
i never felt so damaged, i pushed my limits, inverted myself, i went through the emotional states that crushed my spirit and unveiled my own darkness. in turn she did the same, and the last few days we have healed something together by just stopping it all and being. 
spontaneous bursts of healing occur through triggers and responses, energy aligns in time, and we share simultaneously the wonderous yet terrifying connection, neither of us have the power to break, and neither of us chooses to. this is easily confused with some co-dependent issues but the connection is spiritual, it has far to much depth to be merely phycological. the psychology is what we have healed or are healing. the connection remains and can be developed rather than destroyed if she chooses that path.
she says she is catching up to me, i understand this and reject it at the same time, therefore there must be truth within this.
instead, we have made a pact, to travel through this process together, with one another until she is ready.
that's how it has to be now. i have no will in this game, no say, no influence. as it should be. i no longer want even it. i just want my own freedom now. especially after devoting my energy to something i was denied. gravity defied, mission denied. it broke me completely that love could be denied. she created a new timeline that i resisted as the older one was filled with beauty, whereas this was pain, yet i succumb. 
i let it all go, i am back where i started yet different, my body is changing dramatically, energies are transmuting. i am not sure what i am becoming but it feels right. this process is surging within me now, and yet all i want is to be and do with her.
the pain of separation is a deep yearning, a feeling of my soul being cleaved in two. it's physical, it wounds me every day and i have to find a way out. and the only way out is through.
most of the time i just want to throw up. and the other night i did, transform. 
i could feel myself being pulled apart, transmuted, the cells in my body mutating and adapting, my mind altered as the forces that exist within me and the ones without that guide me reorganise at a cellular level, at a sub atomic state everything flows in the direction it must. it's always in the eyes, in the eyes, in the eyes.
i am the magickian once more but a different version of myself, i have a scarlet witch to whom i am deeply connected, it is no longer my magick it is ours, we are one and the same, i know this as i see it lurking in her eyes, it is there waiting to be born. she has said i will be more integrated, combined with the other aspects of my self but the truth is we will both integrate and aspects of ourselves will. the us i wanted, it's coming but different than i thought, the synergy will make us invincible if we are committed to the process and power.  

  

transformation occurs through the night, i'm dead and reborn again, how many deaths can i die, how many lives can a man have?

she looks beautiful in the morning light,  such a face steals my breath away always, those eyes are everything. i'm lost inside them, a universe of beauty, truth and wonder. she's smiling about something and looking sexy in her soft girl barbarella persona. jesus a man couldn't ask for more really, that body is incredible, it's perfectly formed for me, interesting and endless. i never really loved anyone the way i can love her.
and right at the wrong time she leaves me.
the day is perfect, i do what needs to be done, catch up with people, reassure people i am okay, that i am alive. i take myself where i need to be. my mind begins to expand again. the animals come, the trees speak in whispers, all is aligning for me.
she is out there, seeking healing, she is broken and weak where i am strong.
the next time i hear from her, i give transmit energy from my tiny waves at the beach, my charkra system is vital once more, radiant and glorious. i am watching energy spark from my fingers in sunlight. i transmit healing, i offer love and light, i offer power and strength and wisdom, i offer all i have because my cup is endless, in magnificent glory i have risen from the dead,  thus my resurrection is devoted to hers.

i see the particle accelerator this morning, as i incarnate into dr. when and shift my focus away from the mission to the mission.
i must travel into the future to save the past. i prepare my mind for this, a slow methodical silence penetrates and meditation is just letting go.
the methodology for forward traveling is more complex than traveling back. travelling back is about memory and traveling forwards is about forgetting. 
in time i will forget it all, and then i will have moved to my future and be able to complete this part of the mission. to remind my past self to win the war within by traveling forward, the moment is ineffective. there is no power in the moment unless it is attached to its future moment, therefore the power in the moment lies in the next and the one that follows it. the future.
dr. when must address this and correct his mistake of thinking the moment would assist progress, it only leads to inertia. 

THE VERVE - sit and wonder

strange fear confronts me, mortality and all that jazz, i get a result that shocked me and i feel rebellious about the whole thing, give me my death i scream silently because life has just disappointed me. 
weird space. 
then i get a call from my friend who offers me perspective and to hold my hand during the procedure. 
well i guess i don't feel so alone now. but do i want to submit to a medical model? 
no, i can't, this is about more than medicine, this is transformation and i must go it alone because that is the way it is now. alone.
i was always a loner, love just reinforces this. 
the day falls to its knees, the hours and minutes and seconds all march onwards and i become content at the situation being a metaphysical one rather than a physical one. my body has a history of pyschosomatic transformations, this is just another at my atomic structure seems to know what it is doing before me.

the spectacular revelation hits me through the sexual energy field, i'm plugged inwards and tuned inwards, turned on and dropped out from the past few months trauma. change occurs in rapid sequence as i understand my twin sun and the dogstar connection, inner child work integrates itself, outer mission work integrates itself in tandem, processes are working in the magickal universe as i break out from the prison i was entrapped within. 
the past cannot hold me, it cannot be allowed to leave its residual friction upon my future, i will not allow it.
that phase is over, i hung in it immobilized for far to long, it was not my fault but i am responsible and have chosen to meet this process halfway now, no surrender.
i am a strange impulse, resonating higher frequencies and 'earthing'
maybe exactly what i needed but it is not where i choose to stay.
i operate on different dimensions, i need to be free to do this. 
the instant i make my revelation reality everything changes. i can move forward now.
she comes towards me, which surprises me greatly, last thing i expected. i'm finally happy again.
death and rebirth. i am reborn.
now i must explore my own integration, what has changed?
what remains?
what i am capable off now in these new conditions.
she says, with great power comes great responsibility, well i never seek power, power does not interest me. yet it is flowing through my blood cells and bone marrow. 
the psychosomatic loss of blood must be the release of old power, corrupt and impotent. the new blood will taste much better, it will nourish and feed, it will have potency and power. 
the body will transform quickly aligning itself to spirit, captain mission has changed again. 
bring it on.
make it happen
unleash your power unto the world!

in a lift she deals with her circumstance, lost credit cards, banking institutions and bureaucracy, the man near me starts complaining as if people in lifts would not use their phones.

'some people have no idea.' he says to the handful off passengers.

i react swiftly, 'oh she has more ideas in a single second than you could ever imagine in your lifetime, therefore it's you who has no idea.'

he shuts up and exits.
looks are exchanged between myself and the old couple who look at me with a sparkle in their eyes.

on what should be the happiest day of my life i am deeply saddened by circumstance and my failures, feeling rejected and neglected, feeling so alone. everything now slips away, it all just goes from me, i didn't really ever stand a chance against such irrational hostility and circumstance. i believed, i gave it all but all i received was some weird form of anti-love.
all i got was the opposite of what he got, the inverse. i can't ever understand why, only that it felt like being crucified and i have been defeated. defeat is inside my soul, it is inside my spirit and now it is despair.

baptism of fire at mission control as flames burn their way through the virgin fireplace and coal embers shine bright in amber, lava like stillness as we run out of wood to burn. she has gone through two bags, elegantly creating heat as she dances and spins around like a fire butterfly sometimes towards me but often away.

three days, pass quickly, speeding into fast and slow time within each moment, everything shifts fast, one moment we are laying in bed liquidly entwined the next we are heading down a country road talking about an amityville horror from childhood. 

the mescaline experience was not what i hoped and perhaps the information we desired will come later but for now this is an equivalent sacred time, and all of it is precious to me. 

she heals in giant large chunks, while mine trickles out like a leaking tap. i take the perspective it's good as we get to see one another together healing and assisting ourselves pass-through process. it's taken a toll on us, i recognize the post-trauma syndrome.

it feels good to finally say whats needed to be said, her words hurt and i could go deeper into it but choose carefully not to, it's time to let it go, swallow pride and be responsible for it all. it was my failure not hers.

the worst is over i guess, i know this now. i have changed so much, no more straight lines, no more certainty, no more knowing, grounding takes all that away, it replaces magick with mundane and puts me in my place by limitation.

i struggle with it but accept it, this period is important to balance myself, my earthing is painfully sad but she does know best and i trust this as she has always been right.

slowly things are revealed, and i'm uncertain if they are necessary. i never saw details only the big picture, i guess we are equal but different in complementary ways.

whatever can be said we do have a great love and it will grow, i feel this in myself but i can't trust her to feel the same. so everything comes with it's opposite, i begin to prepare for the reality, she will leave me here and go overseas, and that will be that. i know this will happen, and encouraged it early on, but now it just leaves me feeling defeated and sad, nostalgic for a beautiful vision i never got to realize. 

after she leaves i clean up mission control and do my inner work.

exhaustion catches up with me and i'm contemplating if i can actually drive home or should i stay at friends, my choices are limited and time is running out. tick fucking tock. 
ms. mission suggests a local motel and we rendezvous for a night of deep sleep as we are both on the edge of some sort of collapse. ms. mission has been a busy bee, saving people, saving souls and saving love. she is pretty amazing. 
it's good to see her, it feels like months since i last saw her but it was a few days ago and she looks spectacular in the nighttime as she emerges from her car like a beautiful butterfly from a sliver slender cacoon.
we lay in silence, both spent shapes as we fade out into whatever envelopes us. a new energy seems birthed, something very different dances between us, it has intelligence and meaning.
'what is this called' i ask?
'beauty', she whispers.
it floats around us entwined like some third force only we can manifest, it's sensual and soft sexuality does the work, we just seem to lay there like puppets, it's passive and active, it's light and yet has substance and it fills me with a new type of feeling. 
'it's old' she says between breaths.
'it's deep' i reply.
later i'm about to meet someone for lunch and i'm understanding things have changed. my feelings of love have shifted from deep to deeper and i am at peace with it all.
how strange.
it is getting stranger all the time.

beauty and the beast- bowie

somewhere in the depths of my mind as i fall apart lays the solution to my escape from this grounding, it's popping out from my cerebellum fabric and sparking my central nervous system in waves of synaptic pain only particles can bring. grounding is okay if you seek oblivion but i seek much more than a four-dimensional potential. my requirements are outside the mainframe. 
so in my terrible situation, i seek the answer, each mental thought pushes my board against the invisible barrier i have been imprisoned within. i have to think my way out in waveforms using cosmic power.
the solution is a strange one but arrives after a gut-wrenchingly painful evening.  
i can't depend on anyone anymore, everything outside of myself is unreliable. i can't trust it at all as it cannot trust itself. so i have to move further to the outside of everything, i see the bubbles float across the periphery of my existence. my mind creates them for me. 
how many?
millions, billions, trillions all come into existence and randomly pop, they all pop at some point. i see the space between them, i see the time between them, but i also am able to shift my perspective and comprehend their significance. 
pop! 
hard to imagine i am outside the multiverse. i have been here before although i have forgotten the details apart from the pain of broken bones, it cannot hold me only delay my inevitable rapture. i should be dead but i am not.
here it is represented as foam, a collection of universes, some parallel, some alternate, some interpret dimensions and other alternative times. each universe is a bubble, each bubble a single universe in a collection of others, all represented as foam. i see it all before me and comprehend the pathway i must take. 

i'm done with the game. it becomes very tedious and stale, i'm not going to be where i do not wish to be, i don't want to live another person's life especially if i can't depend upon it. 
i must take responsibility, at least i can trust myself. i am if anything reliable.
the law of probability states, all contracting states eventually expand. so i play the long game now, somewhere a flip has been switched, i know this as my intuition informs.
karmic patterns are being manipulated but i recognize these as false or at least nothing to do with me, my karma is excellent, the account is secure so i feel okay about any significant projection upon me. i just have to take the personal out of it, it's nothing to do with me. it's glamour, it's usually clever and attacks when i am vulnerable, and love, this state, made me very vulnerable and open to exploitation. i must address this on a new level. i made mistakes, i took wrong action, yet everything was as it had to be. i have completed my part of this, it's done, just one more final phase before i see the big picture clearly.

later at the beach, i see it so clearly, as if everything conspires to reveal itself at this moment, a curtain raised and here lies the answers right before my eyes, the complex dance comes to a climax. i see it all now. all.

  

FEAR - ian brown

the bottom, that's where we are at, in the gutter looking at the stars. right? yeah i was in the stars and now pulled down on earth i am amongst the earthed, trapped just like the silver surfer. i will drive myself to the limit until i can break through the barrier i have been held within. there must be a way back for me, integrated or not. this is not whom i am. not where i am meant to be kept.
ms. mission said i was dangerous, maybe she is right, i can't know anything anymore, it's like being in a boxing ring, punch drunk, i swagger around like a dazed fighter on his knees, not being quick-witted enough to even know when to fall.  
every moment is painful as confusion and numbness override the tension. 
i have followed her and this is where i am.
i take my bike out for a spin, i ride here and there, i listen to my thoughts, let them go, i watch the trees, birds and energy, i look up at the blue skies, i wonder as i wander. 
in one moment everything subsides and i understand all the past, has passed, it it unimportant and i cannot attach myself to it's influence. what's done was done. all that really matters is i love this woman. it is a great love, an epic and the cosmos acknowledged us. at the end of the day, that's true for both of us. the future, well i guess that's what you make it.

i have been earthed.
it was quite a fight, ms, mission dragged me kicking and screaming, howling like a baby back from my cosmic alignment and interdimensional transcendence. i fought her all the way but she never gave up and i guess i went through the eye of the needle. 
but it feels awful, raw and exhausted, we both have been jaded by the huge stress and turbulence of it all. i need recovery. i need a moment to nourish myself and feel less depleted than i do, for my whole being is shattered from the whole process. this twin flame shit is not for the faint-hearted, it nearly killed me.
it was worth it, i'd do it again. ms. mission is truly remarkable and her talents are awesome, we do make a considerable powerful team which s why she and i know we need to be very earthed and build from there. 
if you don't know anything about the twin flame experience, it's impossible to describe but there are some good you tube video's that explain it really accurately. i fought the whole thing all the way, so i speak from experience. this stuff is real, it's accurate and true. the fact magick and plant medicine was used on top of our twin connection makes everything very intense, really intense. i wish i was just a normal guy sometimes, wish i didn't feel much at all but i guess i'm an anomaly and have to just accept that.