Thursday, September 11, 2014

i been thinking about pride a lot. it's weird, i feel it at the moment, this period of gentle pride, although it's probably misplaced i have to accept there's something grand about this. 
i feel pride over my professional life, after such a hard fought victory. i'm proud of the two staff who i work with, who stood up for me and the rights of the clients, ultimately themselves. i'm proud of my workplace for dealing with it well, this was amazing to me for it's the first time in a long long time i have felt the  dept really does work when the right people are used. it's a glorious outcome for everyone really, i just hope they see it in the same way because no matter what they think of me, i was right and it was hard. anyway happy clients living lives free from fear, that's all.
then i'm proud of my garden, it's taken hard work and a strange anarchistic attitude of just always knowing my vision for it. i knew it from the first time i saw my garden, it was just wild, untamed and untouched which was pleasant in it's own way but now it's a tropical pocket of potential, it's going to take a few years to get the trees i planted to grow big and tall but i'm already seeing them reaching for the light. the tiger grass after the rain, the black timorese  bamboo growing as i watch, the bromeliads, a little south american touch, hostile plants till they get to know you, the succulents spreading low down groove. i gotta thank the amazing man who owns  'palmland.'
i stopped in there on the off chance he may have something interesting and i wandered into a perfect replication of my type of eden. as soon as i saw mr. palmland and we shook hands i knew he was my plant man, coleman jenkins. 
the air in that spot is brilliant, so clean and i picked up how happy his plants were, so well cared for, really loved. i could feel it in my bones.
anyway what do i know, i asks him some stupid questions, things i have no idea about and mr. palmland explains everything in a way i can grok, he's just like his plants, with that brilliant natural enthusiasm. 
i buy some, and he very kindly gives me a heavy bag of fertiliser and a small powerful cordyline, just brimming over, on the edge of transition into some glamourous colour under the mysterious bamboo.
planting is a different matter, very hard work. i'm planting in the front as well, so by the end i had about 10 massive garbage backs and one huge green wheelie bin filled with debris and weeds. 
so pride, yeah i'm proud of my gardens, my flowers and trees. 
the other part is my house, i've now got it operational. all it needs is a coat of paint but it's looking and feeling really like home.
so i wander around garden and home feeling a sense of pride.
i get a sense of pride about my book, i can see it's stories as manga, or graphic novel a sort of surreal new superhero for psychedelic people. there's something in those stories, yeah they are raw and swift fragments but there's some kinda energy inside them.
yeah, pride over my son who has a life in london, he's fantastic. i couldn't feel prouder really. 
so is it a sin?
no, i think not, if it's a fleeting thing like lust it's only an experience, hangs around and leaves when it's ready, when your ready to let it go. so i'm keeping my pride for as long as i can but it could be traded for lust at any time. lust is a different kettle of dolphins really.

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