mourning has broken
rainfall damps the day
well after many years of blocking my emotions at least i am still human under all the junk personas and egos and i do have feelings which are strangely still this morning. i'm like a wounded animal. i need to heal fast. i put myself through a series of techniques, some i have recently learnt from my book on emotions, but mostly these are ancient techniques,some tibetan buddhist. sacred space, grounding, honouring.
what can you do with unrequited love, there's a lot of practical things on offer but these processes will be most effective. letting go, let it go, it's not yours and it never was. you can't keep an invisible girl let alone the impossible one.
i fell in love with miss cupcake. it was great, some one i could just be with. simple, we had moments of magick.
anyway it's never really simple with her is it? it was probably some oestrogen induced madness, a strange side effect.
how can you fall in love with her, she's having another mans baby?
hey love works in mysterious ways, all i know is that's how i feel, i have for months only my stupid blockage just wouldn't allow me to acknowledge this. now i have.
what about the fall out?
there's always fall out. there will be massive fall out over this because she's wired against being loved. it will send her nuts, you won't see her for weeks, maybe months maybe never again.
so what do you do.
you heal yourself and move onwards.
how do you do that.
mourn her.
say goodbye.
let her go.
at least you found your emotional side again.
mmm, i prefer it when it was lost.
you jest.
well it's a little painful but at least i know i have that ability to love someone again. that's worth while.
in the meantime you have taken on a collection of defensive mechanisms and protective fields becuase you allowed yourself to be vulnerable, just like her.
yes, i need to be free of these, they save no purpose other than making things more complex than ever. there is nothing to fear.
it's just a future you saw slip away, there have been many lost unto you this life.
yes perhaps that's what i need to do, let my futures go as well. there comes a point where every time traveller must smash their time machine and stay in their present.
is this the moment.

a post card arrives from a friend, it's a picture of a comet. on the reverse side she writes, 'thank you. you saved my life.'
yes i did.
that's kinda what i do these days.