edgy as fuck those anxiety pills were not working. you're confused, slightly impulsive, you want to be but your not really present, your every where and no where, need a little drama in your life, need to shake some action. there you stood on the balcony enveloped in your glamour, you are surrounded with people, they fawn over you, catch your ash, laugh at your jokes, climb in your bed one after another but i couldn't bear the fucking sight of you. i watched you surrounded by them leeches, they would suck you dry, money, drugs, sex they would take it all and leave you empty. spinning around in a kaleidoscope of maya, you had no chance amongst these clowns. have another drink some one yelled and you did. snort a little bit more, and you did. fuck a little harder and you did. it was a sad business to watch really. i hated that scene. it was nothing to do with me. i always left.
one day i saw you licking some ones face. you were pissed and acting like some sort of cheap and tasteless mexican whore splashing your drink everywhere. it was pretty disgusting, i wanted to film you, then i'd play it back when you were sober so you could see how you looked, but i never bothered. i'd lived that life before, so i left.
i will always leave. i'll always walk away from that.
but there was the last time.
one night she rings me up, i call over.
one and a half a bottles of vodka, god knows how many pills, she's wearing her french lingerie and flicking between some massive attack and some woman singing some sort of sad song seeped in anger and betrayal. her lipstick and mascara, a terrible mask. she looked pale. she was sneering at me as soon as i walked in.
'have you come to fuck me?'
'no i most certainly have not.'
'then your no good to me.'
'that's where you are wrong'
she runs towards me and i slap her hard across the face. it's not the first time i slapped a woman but it's not something i would do unless i had no choice, i needed to get her focused on something. she stooped over holding her cheek. as her face turns towards me i can see her hateful sneer but i can see her eyes, watery. she starts sobbing and i move in to hold her. the music stops.
'i hate my life.'
'i know sweetheart, i know.' i hold her close because that's all i can do.
she cries on my shoulder for an hour, sobbing away, merging into me, my tee shirt is covered in her. i'm just a man, i got a good heart. i take her in to me, i kiss her lightly and wipe her tears away. i sit with her and let her sob.
later i pick her up and carry her into the bedroom. i put her into the bed and stroke her head until her breathing becomes regular again, and she is in a deep sleep. while she sleeps i empty every bottle down the sink. i search the house for pills but only find some anti depressants and a few empty bottles of muscle relaxant.
i smoke a joint and watch her sleeping there in peace.
later i take it upon myself to work over her etheric body, i hack into her aura and start manipulating her energies, sealing fractures, seeing the damage in her heart i focus my attention towards her. i don't know if i can fix this one, but i try my best.
when she wakes up she starts screaming at me, reaches for the bottle but finds it empty, she gives me a hateful medusa stare and throws it at me, screaming in her incomprehensible way. i attempt to grab her wrists but she's resiting, another slap, but that takes her further into a frenzy, it's ugly and boring but that's the way it is with her, i let her hit me a few times, a nail rips my cheek and blood spurts out onto her white bedsheets, she looks momentarily shocked. she whimpers a little and then suddenly that innocence crosses her face, she stretches her hands out, 'oh my god, i'm so sorry' she mutters, just like a little girl. she wraps her arms around me. it's okay baby, you're safe now.'
she sleeps more, while i clean up. i leave her a note and slip out the back door, when she wakes up she will have forgottern everything but she will find the note and read the words and she will smile.