woke up this morning and the vortex was at my door, a swirling universe stretching out to infinity where a black hole sucked it through into another. 
i knew  penetration would be tricky, i got agent atlanta to crunch some numbers. she came up with something that resembled cake.
'what's cake,' i said? 
'cake is like pi but weirder, it's completely non logical, mathematics at a dead end. i suggest you use a witch mission, i'm a number cruncher and these numbers don't add up, subtract or divide. in fact they are no longer numbers.'
'fuck, maybe agent stone can crack it she's got the pointy hat voodoo and broomsticky blues. i summon her through some holographic trickery, she's playing with some furry folk. 'hey, agent stone, how can i...?'
'you can't. give it up mission, it's fucking impossible. there are limits to everything, it's about time you learnt that lesson.'
i dial up agent wild. 
'hey agent wild. got any ideas?'
'drugs may work, what about those amazonian ones you like.'
'yeah, that's a good point but i'm feeling frail. couldn't take being knocked about by some hard core class a compounds.'
my head hurts. i lay down and sink into a deep sleep. 
'fuck it mission, wake up dummy.'
i can hear the soft spoken whisper penetrate the deep. i'm on the end of a line, nibbling on bait, a small fish in a big ocean. i'm nibbling on something, when the voice whispers, 'it's time to wake up.' 
the hook pulls me from some strange dark cocoon and i no longer feel safe. am i awake?
'calm down,' speedsexy says.
'what the fuck just happened?'
'you needed assistance right. here i am.'
she's wearing a black ninja outfit, smoking a joint which she kindly passes to me. her other hand offers me a steaming cup of coffee. i take both.
'you wanna jump the vortex mission. i know how. drink this, smoke this, then we can talk.'
seems like a reasonable sequence of instructions and my indecisive brain can't cope with my two fave substances wafting temptingly in front of me, and then there's speedsexy in her ninja suit all dark and mysterious my poor synapses are stuck like a needle in a vinyl groove. 
a few minutes later i'm up and we sit at the table sharing the joint.
'technology won't assist you with this, in fact anything man made won't work, you need to abandon all ideas and start thinking irrationally. the more nonsense you throw at it the more fixed the bridge between universes.'
'is it a bridge?'
'no it's actually a portal but a bridge is nicer word. it's swings and roundabouts mission.'
'okay so how do i think non rational?'
'the coffee we just drank was laced with some very interesting chemicals that will kick in in about 15 minutes.'
'oh fuck, did you just give me your medication.'
'hold hands and hold on, it's going to be a wild ride.'
speedsexy smiled and her eyes gleamed with the knowledge of what comes next. i sat back and wondered what the side effects of the medication would be upon my fragile physiology. i have a bad history with chemicals, but she's got those eyes, those strange depths.
trust mission trust, trust the people who know you. 
the vortex swallows me up and spits me out somewhere different.
  

i have a photograph of her in my mind, all those years ago sitting on her orange suitcase in her canary jacket smoking. she was about to travel to italy, i was about to head to france, separately. the plan was to meet in paris. 
she had been in her soft girl persona, the one i really loved and we were waiting for a taxi to take her away. my flight being a few days later. she looked incredible, like an album cover from my fave record.
we were both excited about our trips and the fact we would meet in paris in a few weeks. i was living in her place, surrounded by animals, art and books. we both read quite a lot, listened to music and enjoyed our particular vices but the last few months something shifted and a new kind of atmosphere had descended upon us, a softer quiet more loving one, i think she even started knitting. 
now this was incongruent to her character. not rock and roll at all but it was actually quite wonderful to watch, as if a new energy inhabited her, gone was the destruction, the self loathing, the projection, the anger, the fear. it had all gone and been replaced with a gentle calm. the one i wanted to hold on to. i felt safe for the first time. that word has come to mean a lot to me, a fundamental priority in any relationship i have now. i need to feel safe above all else.
she sat on that case for an eternity. i watched her for an eternity and then the taxi took her away.
about a month later i met her in paris. she had brought along her mother who had been living in an italian village for a year. we all stayed in a big hotel room, and she and i wandered paris looking for a replica gun to buy her father. 
it was not what i was expecting, it was finally as though we were friends. i think that soft girl period was a great memory for me, an anchor amongst the madness that followed. 
i watched a brilliant mind, a beautiful woman allow herself to be poisoned by alcohol and it killed part of me. and it was all her dumb friends who supplied it, all complete train wrecks who seemed to hate me for my attempts to keep her safe from harm. i lost that battle. i was out numbered. after all a good time vs a real one is a one sided match. 
her sitting on that case. that's the good memory i have kept with me from that relationship. i know there are others but they elude me.
soft girl.
now almost 17 years later i have fresh memories of her, being a mother, being generous to me, being kind, being real, being brilliant. the window closed for us. i'm so sorry i can't be there for you now. part of me wants to but i have to stay true to myself and i hope one day we can laugh again at my own failings which are also my strengths. it's all perception right?
i fell to the glam with her, such an exotic creative being, i loved her mind when it was sharp and soft, creative and open. i would have stuck with that for ever. 
and now it's back, in such amazing clarity my whole life split up in forks in a road, and she's one pathway i just can't take.
the irony is she's reflected so much in the other, two particles and one wave.

levels of unconsciousness
by
captain mission

I zapped in from Beta Centaurea on the midnight special, a small furry waitress kept the cocktails coming so by the time I arrived on Earth I was already seeing double. 
I staggered through customs with my single carry on bag, always travel light was a personal philosophy so there was never any waiting around for luggage. As usual however, customs asked me a few  questions. 
My answered came out slurred and blurred but relatively unsuspicious. 
It had been several years since I had been back on Earth, having left the place several decades ago after a painful divorce. I figured if I got as far away as possible maybe I could start again, but Earth girls have a remarkable way of pulling you back. It's like some sort of weird gravity.
She was at the bar, her face had aged slightly but her looks had not faded, still the same drop dead gorgeous figure wearing an elegant simple black dress. She sat perched at the bar drinking our signature drink, a White Russian cocktail with ice cubes filling a tall glass. There were two of her.
I sat next to one and almost immediately a drink appeared.
'Nice flight?'
'Yeah, it was okay. You look good.'
'Thanks. You look pretty good yourself?'
'It's amazing what Beta has to offer in the way of life extension.'
She smiled and swirled her drink in one hand, the ice cubes rattled and the darker liqueur at the bottom of the glass began to cloud up with the milk.
'This is my clone Tiare.'
'Oh, wow! They do that now.'
'Yeah, I needed another me. Look Mission, thanks for coming back here, I know it would have been difficult.'
'Difficult. It was emotionally impossible, it's why I am drunk. It was the only way. I never usually drink, remember?'
She looks away and Tiare leans towards me, 'I am sorry, she's very difficult and not that receptive emotionally. I on the other hand am.'
'Thank God, some there's some humanity left.'
My ex wife interrupts,' Look you don't have to be personal.'
'Yeah, I do. If I can't be personal then who can.'
We sit in silence for a few moments. My ex goes to the washroom, and then Tiare leans into me again. 'It's just levels of unconsciousness with her.'
'Levels of consciousness you mean?'
'No. That's not what I mean.'
Tiare has a sparkle in her eyes, she does look identical to my ex but there's a fierce intelligence within, a spiritual flame flickering. It's attractive.
'Look most people have a consciousness that functions at a vibration of moving through life as awake, but they are asleep consciously shut down. Suppressed  repressed and unaware even though they are conscious  We need to invert terms. The fabricators of spiritual law on Earth have it all wrong, they themselves are asleep. Speak to any light worker and they are filled with terminology and pseudo eastern religious spirituality, shielded by ego states they use 'language' to determine their reality. Yet language is another memetic virus. The mind is a battlefield.'
'Yeah, that's why I left Earth, to many humans.'
'When one understands the levels of the unconscious that actually drive consciousness one can begin to understand how to work with reality. You ex-wife needs you but she don't get you. That's why I called you.'
You?'
'Yes Mission. I get you.'
'Finally, lets fucking get out of here.'
Where do you suggest we go?'
'Italy. There's a boat we need to catch.'
'Yeah, I'm on the same track.'
I grab her hand and pull her out the door, into the light.

a duality inversion
by
captain mission

The world has come asunder. Everything I really loved has just driven away in a taxi to another man for a holiday. I'm to old now, fragile and somewhat battle weary. I'm half defeated and lost and i have a long day ahead of me. My exhaustion and physical stress is easy for me to deal with, I adopt some martial art strategies but the emotional disconnection is shutting me down.
When eventually I sleep everything changes. Magick works through me.
In the morning I'm strong again. My fingertips tingle with a mission worthwhile.
My motive was to resolve a rift, a strange cyclic event, not a  Saturn return more a Mars one. However, we have history and I thought it time I reached out and attempted to fix something broken between us, after all she has attempted several times to reach out to me.
It's not a good start as she has given me the wrong address but eventually I wander through old haunts, in the oldest part of the city and find the correct place a big plush hotel with elegance and style, an architects dream. It's quite magnificent.
Obviously with you there's always subterfuge.
I play my part and pick up the key from reception. I seem to be everyones secret. The other woman. It makes me sad in a way. I'm always hidden, an occult secret for glamorous women.
I can't believe this place, it's perfect, elegant and immaculate. The type of place I would live in if I was cashed up and addicted to luxury.
I ride the lift to your room and use the security key, stepping into your rock and roll lifestyle. It's different now, children's clothes everywhere, toys and lollies, bags spilling out with almost everything, all early childhood accessories imaginable. In our past it was drugs, empty bottles and an ugly chaos. I look around the room, there is nothing ugly about this mess. 
I head straight for the shower and check out the huge bathtub.
When you arrive I'm bemused, head in a book. I emerge, eyes upon you and the kid.
She's grown up. I'm quite surprised at the way time measures itself upon her, she's talking and asking questions, her tiny eyes soaking me up and it's love at first sight. She knew me in utero, she knew me as a fresh baby, the man who carried her mothers apples home, helped fix up the nursery, read you stories and wrapped you up when you were cold.
We are like old friends, her and I, time non existent in such a wonderfully weird way she knows me very well.
You and I hug, exchange a few emotional words. Rare for us. Rare for you.
'Don't fall in love with me.' You say.
'I'm in love with someone else.'
'I bet she is an artist?'
'She's so much more than just an artist.'
We exchange a few war tales, after all it has been a long long time and we have both changed considerably. I speak of my departure from town after my friends death, how I never went back. 
She tells of her fathers death and then Brads. She then hits me with some facts, she married Brad early in her life. I didn't know this, it explains why he was always around as her go to guy. I can't say I liked him, but I never got in her way.
And I loved her dad, a man I lived with and got to know very well. He was a great artist and a thinker. We spend many evenings talking and laughing while he burnt dinner. He often reminded me of myself through his eccentricities and whimsy. We shared something anyway, maybe it was just her.
She tells me how she nursed him and Brad in their last days and gave them their last shot of morphine, watched them slip away. Two men she loved. 
In our past life she was both beauty and the beast. I couldn't watch her destroy herself, it was painful for me so I left. Twice. 
The second time was when her child was barely new, but I had to make a point having seen what was happening and what would happen if she was not derailed. It was hard for me, but right action despite the fact she felt I had abandoned her. 
Maybe I did. I don't like watching people I care about self destruct. Maybe it was just what was needed as she claims she is different now, and I must concede she seems very different.
I can see her in her child. 
The child is beautiful, quite brilliant and individual, creative and  intelligent, a natural artist just like mum.  We are connected, almost best friends. How does that happen in such a short time. She's making me laugh and I'm relaxing into a role that seems very natural. 
Room service is on speed dial, even the kid uses it, and soon all types of wonderful things are brought to us in big trollies and silver plates, banana spilts, ice creams, chocolates, desserts, dinners, coffee.
It's all really quite strange for me especially when she makes her proposal.
Suddenly things are not quite what they appear. I understand very fast what's going down but where is it coming from. 
Now I have to say, there is a similarity I have never spoken about. My beautiful heart belongs to another now and she is the best of you even if she is with someone else and uncontactable, I love her completely. She reminds me of you sometimes, that creativity, the brilliant mind, the polarity although she is never as destructive like you were she has confusing elements that are contradictory but maybe that's just all women. Sometimes she can say things that sound like something you would have said to me. Sometimes her lack of romance and affection towards me remind me of you. She also claims to be sensitive and yet can be very insensitive. Maybe it's just me, after all I am the common domominator. Either way there's an alien complexity at work within what to me should be easy and simple.
Your eyes dart around like hers, and then uncannily your words become hers.
The proposal of an artistic hub, a joint partnership promoting beauty. Your offer was incredible, generous and so unexpected. But the language was her language. I'm seeing it, hearing it and it's undeniably her. I mean she's in Tasmania and you are right here speaking her words.
I try to explain the impossible to you but I don't think you fully understand how significant this experience is or how much it has freaked me out.
We deflect and skim subjects, but there is more revelation, more truth than i have heard in a long time.
I feel so strange to be honest  my life is at a crossroads in love and yet she has told me explicitly not to contact her while she is away. I needed to speak with her but I can't, and I have to give a decision, I have to choose a future but all i can do is think about an us.
I end up staying all weekend, playing with that little girl, we swim in the elegant indoor pool, we play inventive games, we laugh a lot and I loose myself in her imagination. She's a beautiful child, with a beautiful mother. It's a joy for me to observe.
My thoughts intrude. This is what you saw in your visions when you were with her, a future where the three of us had this, but you thought perhaps it would be your child. 
Yes, I saw it all back then and now, here I am, in a different future. My heart feels sad but then I think about what is ahead. 
Her, my beauty in the world. She's far away and enjoying her trip and here I am unexpectedly enjoying mine. 
Parallel worlds, lives, alternative realities, a strange confirmation as souls all collide into past present and future. 
I'm lost within it all, adrift with no certainty only the overwhelming experience. It's my slow beautiful death. But it's not so beautiful without you. I have to face it, face the truth.
I feel abandoned now, angry at the position you left me in when you climbed into that taxi, angry at the way you never even bothered to call me except as an after thought, angry at your drinking and being so incoherent when we spoke, angry at the fact you can't even see me through a clear lens. Most of all I feel angry at myself for thinking about the futility of an us, when clearly you only think in terms of I. I have to shift gears, that's not sustainable, something has to give.
I lived that life once with this woman from my past that now is in my present. I recognise the way it works, always testing, testing, pushing the limits, seeing where my breaking point lays, demanding everything on their own terms, no fucking compromise in love hey?
You have it all. Both off you have it all and it's never enough until it's gone.
And I do love both of you. There is no difference for me. One is my past the other my present. And she is not with me.
Here is an old man with a broken heart looking into the eyes of a child.
I return to Avalon, to a beautiful home a few doors away from my old home, she makes me a drink and I gaze down at the view from the hill. She puts on 'Make it Happen' the song that invoked my spell that brought you to me. It's to strange, to surreal. Yet we are all artists, and I've lived in the surreal with both of you. 
We go look at the space she wants, it's perfect. I see her vision and it's brilliantly executed, she's covered all bases. We would make a brilliant creative team but it's hard to commit to something without my other half. She has said both of us can be involved but I need to speak with you and I can't. 
The house is filled with Art, good art, it overflows everywhere, I notice her fathers work, a Brett Whitley, some Bruce Gould, and I'm cast back to the days where I hung with Arkie. I used to live across the street from Bruce, remember watching Vanessa Meae film a video in his garden. Parties at Lashes, surfing whenever I wanted.
We drive down to look at her new home. It's on the beach. She wants me to move in with her. Rent free, a new life back where I belong.
I'm stuck between two paths, and you are not here for me. Again a surge of anger. It's more directed at myself for being so stupid investing in an us. I'm angry at falling in love with someone who obviously cannot reciprocate and I'm angry at myself for even allowing the weakness of exposing my emotional reality and having it  exploited. I really do not feel loved at all. I don't even feel special or wanted, desired or needed, just a secret to be kept. It makes me sick. Nauseous. It passes, I can't be angry for to long, it's a situation and she is doing her best under the circumstances. 
I want a life with her, and I want to move in to this new life for me. To do something for me. But loyalty is my weakness, I sabotage myself always through loyalty. 
Eventually I decline the offer although I have really struggled making a decision. I will be hated for it, despite the fact I love her completely unconditionally. I can't believe how far she has come, a success, a brilliant mother and my past resolved. I don't want to say goodbye, these two are so much part of me, I can't bare loosing them again but I'm a dumb bastard, not stubborn just dumb because I am cursed with being loyal. 
When the present arrives it's so strange, I don't understand anything. I feel so fucking worthless. I want to just communicate openly, make a plan, to understand but all it is is just incoherence. Polarity dancing. Emotional, sexual, mental sabotage. I can't understand it at all, the harder I try the worse it becomes, every question I have is met with some barrier, straight lines bend, light warps, love slips away, replaced by distortion and something alien to me, something abhorrent. There is no love here, nothing but more testing, pushing, more mind games. More brainiac mumbo-jumbo nonsense than heart, more glam than authenticity, it all went to pieces and not once did she ever ask, 'How was your weekend?'
And at the back of my mind I see again a truth. There is no us. 
I have to find me. Discover the I again. And another truth hits me hard. I hate what I have become. I'm worth so much more than this. I deserve so much more than this.
Here is an old man with a broken heart.




  
    

i am reminded of the cd 'after everything now this' by the church.
it sums up everything and this.

when i saw you in the city on the night of the the you came out from the crowds in a thin veil of glamour, stepping towards me with that enticement and allure, moving with such etheric energy, almost a non human entity, clouded within a cloak of magick, two worlds plainly obvious from my perspective. 
you danced and moved with such individuality, you came at me with that flirtatious entrapment and every moment was a great passionate step into another. i saw you weave your energy around the streets, through people, into places, spinning and turning, wrapping and unwrapping, me enthralled. 
i am very battle worn, suspicious of the glam and how it operates through women and sexuality, suspicious of my own nature and defensive against anything that may not be fully conscious from the maya. i also know my weaknesses, and you were embodiment of it that night.
protection was necessary from myself and from you. your eyes had the sparkle of a deceptive nature, promising one thing and offering another. i was curious and beguiled by you but also in rapture. protection was necessary  for you presented as everything i could love or would destroy me, elemental in essence, thrown from the glam straight into my path, a trick or trap. 
little did i know. 
destiny must have been laughing at me at that point as i floundered in my unknowing and bewilderment.
as i watched you speak and move with me, you became almost like me. i showed you my favorite painting, something i have never done before to anyone. i spend a lot of time with that painting, often on my own and often when the bar is empty. why would i show that painting to you? 
because it is me and i wanted you to see me.
is that authentic or weird? i have no idea, it's all without agenda, unfolding from our future selves, all i can do is appreciate the awesome design and implementation for it is beautiful when i think about it.
we walked down through raindrops that didn't seem to fall but offer random trajectories, you still casting enchantment effortlessly, it poured out into the watery evening, and i kept myself detached as my processes attempted to figure out what this energy was and why it was presenting itself to me like this. 
we ate some food down by the water, in a crowded place we made our space. picking at olives and various cheeses and again my defenses up. it was the first time i wondered what had sent you?
i had, it was your birthday gift and i wanted to show you how much i appreciated all the work you did for me in the past.
i'd no memory of you like this though, a different woman.
the music was a nice interlude, i still found myself completely pulled in two directions, the stage and towards your exuberance as you danced and gave yourself. i felt like i was in some medieval torture, yet this was inner, deeper, paradoxical. pulled in two directions violently.
we had our moment in a cafe, the avatar manifested and said something to you about me, it happens a lot but i don't understand why. i knew then i would have run back under pretext of trains and times, and process what had happened. that wasn't as smooth and simple as i thought for all i could really do was send you the the songs and later i see what songs they were, like:
gravitate to me
beyond love 
uncertain emotions
and i was not sure why but something certainly was and now that certainty is crystal clear.
the rest is history, or future history. 

  

oh yeah the new invisible me is kinda okay, he's lighter, agile and has a vital tantric energy cruising through his centre generating strange spirals and fields. i've noticed other subtle changes, diet reduced to the bare minimum, hair growth increased, bone density changes as they become stronger, sleep reduction, mental dexterity and clarity, a certain frission when i think of you. 
there are other events occurring simultaneously but i have to keep one step in front of the other, no jumping ahead of myself. it's a discipline. on a need to know basis, mmm, i like that whole concept although i never hide anything i do not need an explanation, for i guarantee you  our catastrophes and triumphs are the same path, obviously directly into a collision with one another. 
'it's all happened,' as they say on my home planet to which the correct response is, 'destiny knows where it is going.'
so here i am, a new kinda me, same as the old one only updated wetware, my systems are fully operational and assist in maintenance of themselves and my soul. i'm staying far away from madness, ego bullshit and personality defects, the glam has no power over me and my fate is like that schrodingers jazz cat, waiting for the observer.
in the meantime i gotta let my hair down and play.  

must thank the wonderful day especially sue whom has flown in for a quick visit and takes me out on the ferry for lunch to the wonderful doyles at watsons bay. what great company, what great conversation and equally matching views as we walk along the pathways and lanes. 
i've known her for many years and she is a wonderful awake individual and has always been very kind to me. her and her husband are my friends and i am grateful to have them both in my life.

i no longer exist, i am not here, vanished man. an invisibility spell contains my spectrum, there is no way an observer can determine presence or state.
i move through the masses, in cities and towns, no one will notice that i am around, no one will see me as i dance and groove to my own beat, leaving no trails no clues nothing old nothing new, i am an invisible man.

i no longer am who i was, everything has changed now, everything. i am different, changed fundamentally. the forces that protect me will steer me onto new paths and new experiences until i get to catch that ferry.
  

  

man it felt good to spill the beans, they just poured out, all of it, everything. nothing could be contained anymore, it was tidal, emotional and true. must be the first time i have ever been so raw and honest about my soul to you and i felt so accepted. that's new!
you were amazing man, always were, but yesterday you showed me something so fucking beautiful and i am so grateful you listened, you acknowledged, you understood and you loved me. it was restoration, i felt your love, it was healing. all those conversations we had years ago about memes, about the glamour, you were listening to me!  
the yoga man, follow the yoga, true yoga not the body stuff. it's going to bring you more riches than you will ever find in the city of illusions. keep your feet in both worlds just like she is doing but know one is real the other unreal. one will suck your life from you the other will replenish. the world is upside down and inside out, everything we think is right is wrong and all we have been chasing is a false kingdom built on no foundation other than money, blood and bones, every moment it gives you something it attaches a karmic debt. eat a chocolate it's the slave trade, buy a shirt it's the fashion industry and the war on women, fill a script it's the pharmaceutical. a line of coke is probably the death of 100 mexicans trapped in an war of brutality and death. there is no escape no matter how smart we think we are, the glamour has us enthralled. it's memetic now, in our heads, in our belief systems, in our minds like seeds sprouting bad ideas and lies. i know you know this because you feel it in your spirit just like i do. you be true to what is true jake at all costs. i love you, you are my beauty in the world. 
i cast my mind to my friend justine who was killed in america by a policeman whom she called to assist her, justine was the lightworker to end all lightworkers, she was one of the most brilliant women. her first words to me were, 'your either a genius or from another space time.'
we became friends when i replied, 'both.'
she asked me to write her book reviews for her bookshop which i did for many years, she was always there, always in her quest for true love, spiritual meaning and when i told her about mine she smiled in that way only the enlightened could. justine was enlightened, she was grace on earth and her death effected thousands of people cross continents. in the usa there were vigils, marches and protests, in sydney we just mourned but i knew that this was her mission. she was love itself and she was the one person that could unite so many in her shining truth. it was tragic but her soul purpose upon earth was this, to show us all how to live better lives and be true to our hearts. wow, i miss her now, she would be so cool to talk to, a true  noble soul.

okay the week shifts again, plans change, my only day off is wiped out as people fly into sydney to visit me, so i have to go into the city tomorrow when all i really want to do is stay home but these are special friends and i need to make the effort. 
i have neglected those that love me for so 5 years so i guess now is the time to reconnect with them, accept them again. i banished everyone from my life in tim's wake, every single person i knew couldn't fill that loss yet they all hung in there wanting me back. i just couldn't face it, anything that took me back there. the one thing about me is i very rarely go backwards, but maybe now that's what i have to do, see the people i left behind. let them see me now. i made such a vast space for you it seems like it's gone now and being filled with distractions i need to explore lest i become stagnant and immobile and devoid of choices so lookout world it's the return of the king without a queen without a kingdom without a crown without within. 
what does this king have.
a text message every day that you are on track to the other thing i have... 
...a vision of a ferry ride off the italian amalfi coastline, leaving sorrento to capri and seeing you seeing me, and then we both know everything we need to know. 
it will be like the da vinci code but much better written, much more multi dimensional, complex, more cosmic in scope, a romantic comedy for the new ages, completely unbelievable and filled with magick.
i am good, i am stronger, i'm better than ever now. my weakness is  my strength, my darkness is my light, my heart is true and my path divine. i am all.   

full moon with you, such a beautiful night, all perfect really, and then as usual some weird energy from the glamour intervenes and throws us both. right when i'm consolidated. i don't understand that stuff, it's bad voodoo in my book and i take it personally.
you want war, i want peace, you want hate i want love, you want to attack me with insanity i want to reflect sanity back, that's the glamour and me. it's human history, all wars are based around it, all suffering and all misery. read the cultures classics, the vedas, the greeks, the scriptures, all love thwarted by dimensions we can't even begin to fathom. i know them, i seen them work down on a real earth level, in human suffering and control. the biggest crimes are against the innocent and i am innocent in all of this, yeah i am. 
i'm sucked into some bad karma, it's wounded me deeply. it's broken me somewhat.
i haul my ass up again, swim against the tide as usual, relinquish all to take the right action, the action i was doing anyway. i seem to be on a loosing streak, not sure what you are saying one moment to the next, it's like sudden bipolar reality, say one thing do another, do one thing say another. what am i to do but let it all go and trust you. is that madness? i think it might be but don't want to risk not doing, madness is probably just what i need right now, madness i can fight against. there is no love here at the moment, i don't feel loved at all, in fact i just feel despised by everyone in this. i'll be the villain then. even you can suspect me of something. test me test me test me, i will not fail unless you chose that i have.  

the voyage began on a single scene

the winds howl and we are knelling

upon the surface of a heathen sea

i just ask you how are you feeling

i can't seem to say it's been that easy

know your sadder than an cast in iron

feeling sick and kinda uncertain

dare to take another look

what lies behind the curtain

i can't seem to say it's been that easy

i gotta loose sometimes

you gotta choose sometimes

i gotta loose sometimes

the ship it sinks without a trace

home to the fish and the octopi

a wreckage on the ocean floor

lost to time and i don't know why

i can't seem to say it's been that easy

  

in a moment that never ends
one step away from heaven
caught between the endless tides
opportunity resides,
and should i fall to your test
the universe come asunder
could it ever forgive us
such a galactic blunder.
i am the cosmic vibration within the ether 
you are the flutter in my expansive heart,
we are the first captains of creation
both masters of our magick arts

so union is determined, 
not by you or i my friend
but by the simple facts declared
that we are divinely paired
and should i fail your challenge
all existence shed a tear
deluge will rise again to flood the lands
and so i make intention clear.
my love is real and true and will hold
the integrity of us
and all you have to do sweetheart
is believe and trust.

we speak, time seems to slow down and speed up, how do we do that?
usually i just listen but today i felt we had equal time, you always repeat the plan as though i never really get it but i like that, i guess it reminds me there is a process, it does change often and at your command so i feel like i am in the wind but this morning was great, balanced and quite lovely considering the situation.
your situation is complex, i understand it clearly and can only love you more for how you are handling it. it confirms everything for me, you are quite magnificent in your integrity. how could i love anyone without that element? it really is beautiful and that is you.
me, i move from moment to moment, travel by thought, do what ever i have to which is not that much really, one step at a time. 
i love the position you are in past, present and future all co existing in the same time, it's unique and absurd, and real. a challenge like this could only present itself to an exceptional individual, and that would be the only woman i could possibly love. it's all in the heart. yet how am i to face the upcoming few days, fuck, where will i draw that strength from and do i have it within me...it's so fucked up i just have to face it. no choice for me there which proves your theory about choice wrong. 

i'm the medicine man, home delivery service for the witches in recovery, for the witches cat's and birds, for the witches of the suburbs. hunted by greedy landlords, harassed by the glamour and it's carnivorous nature, the profiteers and power crazed control freaks in dark tinted window cars that stretch into tomorrow to steal for today, the energy eaters, crowd pleasers, the vampyric lords of the estate and the enemies of love and life.
surrounded by ravens she pours me a drink, bubbles, steam and very deep red, i wonder at it's nature and what information it holds. i've brought a friend along, he's in a wheelchair and looks happy at the birds, who come sit upon our heads and shoulders. we are bird men now brother, maybe i am just a bird brain.
the raven is a black eyed messenger who whispers in my ears, tells secrets and codes of origin and destination. feathered messenger, harbinger, oracle. my friend is playing with another big black bird, it sits at his lap and he leers down into it's big black eye sharing a knowing. i can see the information exchange, deep stuff indeed.
the drink is vital and necessary an elixir, it tastes of martian lakes, oceans maybe before the destruction. it's life potential, i gulp it down fast.
she shows me a series of photographs, they all look innocent enough but as i look again from a different angle they take on a more sinister look. these have my attention they are quite amazingly effective and disturbing. the series of photographs seem old but are more frightening than any modern horror movie, wow, i'm spooked.
the house is filled with witchcraft paraphernalia and ravens everywhere. i sit back down and enjoy conversation with my friend, we both have birds nesting in our heads.
the witch potters around and takes some photographs, it's good to see her, she looks healthy and happy. she tells me about her plan which is really interesting and i have to say quite innovative. 
later when we leave it is difficult, i feel quite comfortable here in her home, it reminds me of my gothic tastes and ambience. even my friend does not want to leave. he says good bye to the birds and my friend and we shuffle down the steps to our van. 
      

in cosmic war the implications are galactic, spiritual warfare effects only humanity, it is a battle of wills whereas cosmic warfare is the battle of forces we know as god, heaven is coming, hang on tight, heaven is here, it  already resides within but it's all perspective. the manipulation of ego occurs on multi dimensional levels, and the light becomes the dark, dark becomes light, nothing is what it seems, the only aspect one can rely upon is the intuitive knowledge that fear is the enemy, fear is the mind killer. there is no defensive position, this is a false concept for defense is attack.
one must loose total fear of fear and then one can live or die free. 
i have to force myself through this process, it's easy now i have lost it all. nothing to fight for, nothing to hold on to, nothing to let go off.
but then there's you.
consider this for a moment, i share this only out of love, not control not power and certainly not ego state, i am where i am, way ahead of the pack. i am divine time, it's why i can't function in time, it's why i am always a beat behind or ahead, but in divine time i am without even knowing it, until the early hours this morning. everything plays out perfectly as is, only ego makes it complex.
this is the moment, your choronzon. a manifestation of your last ego state playing out to stop your liberation. i told you it would come, i told you it was ahead and it would have to be faced alone. you were correct, there is only choices, i know that right or wrong do not exist here. i know that the war operates on many levels, only a mind like ours could know this.
you must be ready else it would not play out yet, so believe in yourself as much as i do, believe in me as much as i do, believe in the universal intelligence and use our power to defeat what must be defeated. i am not the enemy, i am only liberation. this is just the truth. and the truth sets us free.

  

stormy roads, the heavy rain is challenging but driving requires discipline and prepares me for my training when i arrive. my body is changing rapidly, muscles becoming stronger and my power core throbs with latent energy. most of the time i train it's almost supplementary to whatever else i am doing, if i find myself with hands free i do some quick moves, it's all in transference of energy. i'm chatting on the phone, my hands are moving spheres around the room, it's powerful to see, quite amazing how quickly it all returned to me, despite the various broken bones, blockages and fucked up lifestyles. my left side is weak, that arm needs some bone strengthening and i am cast back to the bone breathing days in newport with iggy, amazing we did that independently of one another and only discovered we both used this technique by coincidence  same with the conversion of light into nutrition, groovy times although never again will i step into a sauna with you brother.
i can shoot spheres of light tonight, they leave my hands and shoot right across the room. i have to perfect this so i can test it but it feels fantastic. 
i'm moving better now, body less sluggish and more elegant, graceful again, like a dancer. i am in a flow, i am in flow, i am flow, let's flow. this is actually a very strong sexual energy, i can feel it flooding out now, spilling into my aura, through my blood and power centres, i'm hyped up on the erotic impulse engine. it's all tantric  energy being released, i'm just transubstantiating it, cos i'm good like that.

listen!
these last weeks have been seriously weird, and now i understand why. cause and effect, defence and reaction, i thought it was spiritual war but the cosmic war has started and we are all being pushed to new positions, and the best action for me is to take my place at my throne. dramatic shifts have occurred already, it's all speeding up to high stake velocity. the usual players make their moves, ego creates new consciousness, a false one. the false army moves in ignorance, it assumes it's positions are correct, actions fail dramatically as the effect is the cause. 
in cosmic war, electrical storms manifest over cities, ions charged with ambiguous motive, the taste of it's energy dances upon the tongues of the talkers and speakers while the poets burn words to power. yeah baby, words are the swords, and the king wields the flaming truth of certainty. 
my mind is so sharp now, i understand it all, see the fractal for what it is, trapped by duty and limitation, by misdirection and lack of clarity. good intentions line the road to hell, i walk across the bones of the dead who lay dust beneath my feet, thinking they were something when they were not. my duty is to liberation of the people i love, nothing else matters. my kingdom is my queen, and it must be safe and sound. only the royal union can win the war, consecration points through the multiverse, vibrational healing in love ritual divine. the planet will be saved through the orgasm of light, sacred semen and halo spiral of living sensual directed yoni waves.
soldiers of hate i command you to cease, yield where you stand and return as free, for if you choose ego consciousness you are already dead, already dead, already dead.

in the world of mirrors and reflections all is infinite to the point it becomes invisible, only the truth can understand the big picture, it see's the frame. she / he whom stares into the abyss must be careful the abyss does not stare into him / her.

i fell right in didn't i, stupid fucking mission, all content, alone in his post pan years, then whoosh in an abyss of ambiguity and uncertainty, not even in an ocean but under it sinking at the depths with the giant spider crabs, fang tooth fish and vampire squid, oh hi vampire squid my old friend. we are the strangest fish in the ocean are we not? it seems appropriate we all find ourself down here. at least you guys are not drowning.

i need a blood transfusion, a new role, some hard drugs and heavy hard core energy, i need a fix, a solution to this jonesing, longing and fucking torment, i need to seek solace somewhere, sanctuary a safe place to breath again and fall asleep for 1000's of years where my dreams will keep me safe from this dumb heart, stupid stupid heart, that feels far to fucking much, a useless mass of churning gunky blood and chambers that are bigger on the inside than from the out. my own tardis is exploding, imploding, spanning space trapped in amber like an old bug in a tree.
is it worth it?
is she worth it?
oh my god people, she is so worth it, so very worth it i can't tell you how much worth this woman has, it pours out from her fingertips, drips from her hands and radiates from her heart. i've known love and women all my life but nothing comes close to ms mission, she's fucking amazing and everyday i am more amazed. more amazed at her in ways i can't explain, her beauty is so profoundly entrenched with intelligence it is glorious to behold. she walks in the world a free spirit, a true wonder and change agent just by being. and all i can do is witness it from afar, hold space and hope she falls and i can catch her.
so despite heavy heart my trajectory is set, my brilliant fate sealed, my will is true and my alignment sanctified by the universe itself. 
to infinity and beyond. love captain mission

how do i compare thee 
to a flower, bird or bee?
there is no comparison my love
you are all to me.
how do i know what's true
this love could be a trick
but the universe informs us 
with it's coconuts and bricks.
when will this yearning ever cease
i think i will see the light
when we close our eyes in sleep and 
hold each other tight
and in our silent fellowship
all suffering will cease
my heart will feel complete
and we will know eternal peace