weird energy slips through today, ominous feeling and wrought with dread. i don't know what's going on but it's crippling as i make my way through the day. fuck this energy, i twist and turn it, yet i can't deny it's presence. 
it's very painful as if being the carrier of some impending catastrophe vision.   

things move fast, things fall into place, things circle around me, things spiral with me at the centre, things come together, things conjoin, things materialise, things morph, things pulse, things connect, things attract. unusual people seem to drift towards me now, strange as i don't feel attractive yet i'm attracting. i am an expert at isolation, i been doing it for years and now it's c-19 trendy i listen to people who find it difficult whereas i found it easy and productive.   

sunrise over avoca, i'm sipping my coffee watching the lake shimmer as the sun makes it's way across the dawn. crystal forms dance at my feet. i feel the breeze penetrate my skin, the sound of nature blooming for a day of harmony. in the distance i see the market take form, it's vast winding corridors sprawl around the lake and colorful people begin to give it shape. i wander through like a stranger in a stranger land and find myself staring at a large format children's book, it's called 'ancient egypt,' and it's identical to one i made up in a novel i was working upon last night. 

to be honest i am stunned as i flick through the pages, it's not just identical, it's the one i describe. things get stranger.

across the path i notice a magnificent set of drawings, i wander over and stare at the mushroom image which is obviously magickal in origin. this lady comes to me, the artist.

'did you do these drawings?'

smiling she says, 'yes.'

'they are amazing. i love them, truely you are in tune with the magickal realms.'

'yes, i am a fairy.'

i laugh at her smile, of course she is.

we speak about my experience in the faye realm, about certain alliances and she recognizes me as a wizard.

she says, 'i see you in a house filled with books and candles.'

we swap a few stories and i comment again on the magnificence of her work and walk to the next stall, en route to the bagel stall. here is a stand filled with strange jewelry made from crystals and right at the front is a book called, fairies and the magical realms. i show the fairy this and she smiles, 'you are magickal.'

'yeah,, i am. i'm very magickal. it was a pleasure meeting you.'

i wander away, heading for the bagel stall where i get an amazing bagel with lox. the bees fucking knees.

i work around the house, the garden is wild and lush like a jungle. i tear into some fallen palm fronds, i weed the dead leaves and fill my green bin with foliage. i speak with family and friends, i make a loose plan, i eat a banana, do some writing, read some magickal stuff and do my energy work. 

power surges through me, i feel it igniting my bones and building up into something. my mind is disciplined now, i must keep focus and not steer from my path. i have to push forwards alone, pushing and kicking against the pricks. it's time to fight back, time to move forwards, time to let love go and take some action because no one else will. i make a plan for the usa, i make a plan for paris, there are people whom want to actually be with me, and for the first time in a long time i make space for others. 

we go to the movies, see the film we stared in, our own movie. at one point the scene is infinite mirrors as we watch ourselves watching ourselves in the same movie, that's when i tear down the screen and you smash the projector and we finally see there is only one screen, and it's not a screen.
all is true, the truth is all that matters and the truth is love. i feel the pain sharp stabbing in my soul, not sure if it's projecting inwards or out but it hurts. i sit with this, there is only ever one event that starts this and a few hours later i have managed to alter the energy so that it's less intense. obviously i need to confirm if my instinct is correct and thus make the call. thankfully my twin speaks the truth and although it is usually very hard to hear or accept i respect that about her.
the pain has left my body although i'm disappointed but mostly in myself for being so fucking sensitive to energy.
i make my peace with it all.
other actions are occurring. interesting how this works. i stand amongst the wreckage of a projector and the shreds of a movie screen, fragmenting illusions.
all i have done for the last year and a half is fight illusions, hers and mine and other people who seem to want to project upon me. it really did destroy me, pure torture intermittent joy when we truly are alone and our mind is not in fear.. i've never cried so many tears or felt so hurt, it's been hell but it's been so worthwhile, she is worthwhile. i'm the door. she was the key, i am the key she the door. everything unlocked and now all that awaits is for us to walk through or close it.
my mind is wandering into my next arrangements, i am indecisive, having a few interesting options now. i can't out-think myself, information happens fast, my processes are kicking in and i am being pulled in two directions, one east one west. both seem appealing. myself, both now immediate.

information influx, anteries is the 5th brightest star in the sky, it was discovered by a man named tobias, it is ruled by the archangel ariel.
very strange

old captain mission is older than you know, he travels all the way across the watery town to see a past life regression therapist. he goes under like a heavy rock and slips into a deep state where he reverses the flow of time and gets younger, into the birth canal but instead of popping back in his past life he seems to be in the far future, which may be the distant past.
okay, let me illuminate. the captain is a baby, my name is tobias, on some weird alien spacecraft. faces look down upon him with great joy as though they have been waiting for his arrival. the beings are not quite human, elongated with massive eyes they are benevolent and kind. they show great compassion for the baby mission. i see only kindness.
then i am a five-year-old, wandering into the forbidden room which is in darkness. i stand up looking at a huge chair, a throne. it is not made of any recognizable material. i gaze up in awe.
then age 20 i am teaching a classroom of children the art of creation. as the stars zoom past i teach each star is a soul and the children all pay attention, i show them how to care for each soul and assist it's growth. i teach them how to manifest beauty, trees, spiderwebs, sunsets and butterflies. one girl (ariel) aged around 14 looks up at me and offers me an alluring look, it's her.
i'm sitting on that big chair, holding my hand is the girl and adult now. she is my partner and counsel, we are in positions of authority although in my state it's just elevated, ascended. every act we make is in agreement, we are at peace and a strange bliss emanates. inseparable. 
later in this lifetime we travel to our star, i think it is called anteries. we share a star. i show her it's beauty and she shows me hers. i feel her hand holding mine, and we share that look. that look.
my next life i am sent to is alone, a sort of lonely isolated man, name of james, living in the mountains near a huge lake where i fish and hunt, every moment is spent in nature. i have learnt contentment and the harmony of the natural world, it's monastic but i am happy. 
later at the end of this life i sit by a fire place recalling a previous life as a north american indian warrior who takes himself away to die. this memory allows me to die peacefully by the fireplace in my log cabin.
i return to my current life.

awakened at dawn i find myself escorting a friend to a relationship workshop in dulwich hill. (more irony than a man can bare) she has an appointment and is anxious about going alone, after all, its personal stuff disclosed to a bunch of strangers, she's agitated about the whole thing so we leave early and stop in the city for a walk through kings street, grabbing various coffees, teas, healthy drinks and the occasional trinket. i'm looking for a panamanian hat, my man seems to have closed shop as i can't locate his shop anywhere near where i recall it to be. it's a funny old day as everyone seems to be smiling at me, big wide grins of acknowledgment and recognition.  
my friend wants thai food so we take a break from the hordes and duck into a small pocket-sized place that seems to have the meals already in front of us. i can't recall ordering but this is apparently exactly what i wanted, veggies and tofu. it's delicious. my friend eats meat so she's chowing down something that looks uninteresting to me. i'm in my vegan mindset again, discipline seems to be my key word of the moment. my mind is crispy, it even smells of fresh apples plucked from a tasmanian orchard.
later we stand outside the shopfront where the workshop will take place, no one seems to be around. i notice the building next door is a chocolate factory with a narrow doorway that we wander through from the street. inside is a short sighted giant who seems happy to see us.
i've already seen a huge tray marked 'seconds' and inside are bags of gourmet hand made chocolates for a few dollars.
well it seems the giant is upon us, explaining each bags variations. and i must say my discipline goes out the window instantly.
we scoff the bag between us as we wait for the workshop facilitator to arrive. 
when she does she's a glamorous looking woman with an assistant in tow, they hold lots of workshop stuff, thick marker pens, butcher paper and various files.
we are let inside and almost immediately several other people turn up.
i make an agreement to pick up my friend at 4pm and take myself to enmore. i stop in at a friends shop, say hi to the georgian girl who recognizes me, many pleasantries are exchanged and i'm almost forcing myself not to ask her to write in 'georgian' for me as i normally find myself mesmerized whenever she does.
i don't buy anything but feel like i have been given something without any cash exchanging hands, she puts something inside my heart, she always does this strangely. we say goodbye and i wish her well.
the strange pull of people towards me seems very strong today, i can't seem to slip into anonymity, everyone just acknowledges me. i end up in the art bookshop asking for sarah parry's new book which i am desperate to read but they don't have it so i buy alister reynolds new one 'permafrost.'
the girl at the counter asks me what i bought, she inspects the cover. i give her a run down on the genius of reynolds and why she should read him. she's looking at me with a strange look, almost something intimate, she nods her head and says she will read him and mentions she loves science fiction. i notice her face is quite elfish, she's an inner-city elf girl. she's looking at me very strangely but not in a bad way. i attempt to leave the shop but something stops me, a pull, she's using some sort of weird attraction upon me, i can see it in her eyes. i stare at her, snapping whatever fixation she cast. we briefly smile and i leap out the door to escape.
later i sit in the graveyard with two spanish ladies. they have a beautiful cat with them, and their english is almost non-existant but i attempt to engage in some friendly banter. i'm drinking a green health juice and they are sharing an ice cream. it's somehow all wrong, they even seem to know it. they offer me a lick but i've rediscovered my discipline.
later i find i have almost an hour and a half to kill so i go check out the market where the hub used to be. 
memories pull me back to the old days. the bank hotel, the singapore gourmet, the late-night escapades. it all comes flooding back in a wave of weirdness. i have to force myself back to the moment with some breath work and mantra. a buddhist man in white appears in front of me and i spontaneously say, 'i'm working on my inner child.'  
he nods as though needing to know this intimate secret that i have apparently revealed, smiles and vanishes into the crowds.
i march back to pick up my friend and drive her home. she tells me she didn't enjoy the workshop at all. 

  

at 16 days intervals i receive information from the cosmos, this morning i download a vast array of information and instruction. my mind has to deal with the implications and make new decisions. for one and a half years i had no choices but now i have a few and they are becoming apparently necessary as the one choice seems to fade further from me others grasp my gut and pull me in new directions. 
this is okay. i understand it, it's not what i ever wanted but what is. 
probability machines dance in front of my eyes, i am dabbling in matters anew, seeing through the veils again. the dance of my own mind is in its own war, and there are two ways out. i choose the one that i don't know. i dissolve back into quanta, reformat my being and emerge anew. thank you to the great alchemist who has guided me. thank you to the new beings and beginnings.
energies seem to be still, the great peace is maintained although there are areas of impossible conflicts, it is short-lived skirmishes for my own liberation. the final fucking part of a horrific period has drawn to an end. 
the noise fades out and i hear the signal. loud and clear.
the judging appears over, the hate ended, the reduction energy dissipated, the truth reveals.
signal not noise.
soul not mind.

pulled into some sort of narcosis my eyes can't stay open. we have been chatting on the phone about a number of things, mostly a six-month break so you can move forward with your commitments. it's a space i offer but it's probably going to end anything we may have that keeps us fixed. it's risky but it is an option, i guess the stakes are high.
we can't resolve the situation but my body suddenly feels tired and a wave of gravity pulls me down. i fall into a deep sleep.
in the astral realm, your legs are wrapped around mine, it's erotic imagery but also deeply communicative. 
what are we saying, what language do we speak, what whispers evade our lips, it's all so dreamlike and surreal?
it feels very real as your lips crush mine. 
    

the money came rolling in, i spent it immediately, cocaine, girls and fast cars, i didn't care, you only live once right? 

my dealers fell in love with one another, it was a strange match but cars and cocaine made an unlikely successful marriage. they seemed happy and grateful, after all it was me that brought them together. ultimately i was not spending enough, three homes, four cars, a big bag of coke a day, the girls had their expensive needs to which somehow i was deemed responsible for but my accountants deemed it necessary to buy more. they insisted if i didn't i would lose half the money in taxes, so i did, i spent the cash in the most random ways possible, buying up small french villages, supermarket chains, winery's, funding scientific research and each ad every one just seemed to earn me more cash, i had the midas touch.

anyways life was a party and it rotated around me until it all blurred into a dali type nightmare sequence and my head quite literally imploded. 
they said i had had a breakdown, i just found myself in a wheelchair, high up looking out an elaborate victorian window down onto a perfectly manicured lawn and a beautiful pond where a pair of swans seemed to drift in perfect synchronization.

i stared out of that window for hours, each day looking down at the figures that wandered around, people, but always coming back to the pond. somedays it would rain leaving a thick foggy layer carpeting the lake and lawns and the swans would appear from the mist like strange regal beasts materializing out from smoke, they would drift around and then disappear again. 

i was told i had been in there for quite a few months, the nurse came to wheel me to my room. every day she took my temperature, measured my heart rate, made me walk a little and then she would undress me, guide me to the shower where i would be cleaned by her and then redressed in clean gowns and wheeled back to my window. perhaps at intervals i was fed and given medication, i can't recall everything, it gets foggy in my mind as well.

i hardly spoke, i didn't read anything although there was always a bundle of magazines each day for me, i didn't really speak or listen even when the men in suits who said they knew me came to talk business with me, they reassured me everything was okay, they made me sign a few cheques and then in the uncomfortable silence would make an excuse and leave but not before promising to call in again.
i don't know what was going on in my head, i just felt as though i had no will to do anything at all except look at the swans.
one day i noticed across from my window was another, and there in the shadows i saw a figure in a wheelchair, she was staring down at the swans as well, but she also had seen me and waved her hand. for the first time i felt some kind of curiosity, a spark of synaptic intrigue. given the proximity, i could wheel myself over to her window, it would mean i would have to leave the area i am familiar with and travel along the west and then southern wing. i felt like i had the strength, i certainly had enough time. for the next week i researched the frequency of my counterpoint, it seemed she looked out at the window from about 10am until 7pm, and at noon someone wheeled her away for an hour, possibly for lunch, same as i.
i set of on a sunday morning, after breakfast, i took myself down to the end of the corridor, a few nurses walked past me, but they were indifferent, an orderly smiled and a cleaner pushed her trolly out of the way, that was the extent of interaction with people. 
i positioned the chair at right angles to her room door, 22 and smiled as i had room 11. there seemed a strange synchronicity which i trusted.
i reached forward and knocked on the door only to find it was open, silently swinging away from me in the slowest of movements revealing an elegant looking woman who close-up looks even more attractive and exquisite than at a distance.
we looked at one another in silence and smiled.
i wheeled myself inside and closed the door behind me, making certain it was locked.
'what would you do for love?' i asked.
'anything,' she replies. 
my past was obliterated as she held my gaze with her magnificent eyes.     

i throw some stuff into a bag, i always travel light but this morning i'm a featherweight. sarongs are the flavor of the day, i'm shredding and letting go and my body is changing once more, less sluggish, more swift and agile, getting some energy back in my bones. the waves this morning are minor, not much happening down there as sun penetrates the dawn. all my dreams and hopes burn away in its haze, i look to the photon skyway as a path appears out from nowhere and figure i may just hitch a ride with the gods of change. time to just let everything go. i guess i know it's time. i found my zen again. 
      

this story is dedicated to rukmi

the brilliance of a new sun, light spans the cosmos until it runs out of time, and somewhere out of time a man watches the flash being born, the light has reached his time.
meanwhile in a small club in sydney's east a band called 'the deep fix' plays a song it's called, 'reverse time flow' and the lyrics are about a man who manages to make time reverse itself, he manipulates the cosmos with magick and love and engineers the collision of atoms and bodies and souls until he gets back to the place where he was once safe. the arms of the woman he loved but lost.
the writer. a man called captain mission is not a good musician but he has a shit hot band and can sing reasonably well, the song tells a story. it's a bit of a greek like epic, homeric in scope but the audience like these tunes and captain mission does tell a good story.
in the audience is a waitress who keeps getting hassled by guys, she's beautiful, looks real cool, she likes her drinking, drugs and exudes raw sexuality like a ripe peach in a tight fitting corset but she don't suffer fools.
some one asks her for a card and she pulls out one from her pocket and throws it down on the table, it says trouble, and there's a mobile phone number.
old captain mission is busy trying to remember his words, he's not noticing the details of the audience but he can't help but notice the waitress walking across the room with a tray.
in the song the character casts a spell that reverses time, but it's a cluster fuck, it comes back in strange dimensions and overwhelms him, he's uncertain, a little freaked out cos he didn't think it was gonna work, certainly not the way it panned out. anyway the man in the song, decides that the only thing he can do is love what he has created, and let whatever happens happen the way it will. it's a good strategy, it's from the heart.
the singer finishes the song, it's the last one for the night and he has to help the rest of the band move their stuff of the stage. they are all old men with bad backs and creaking bones inbuded with the spirit of rock and roll.
the room is emptying, the bar closing, he's drinking a glass of water and the waitress comes over and says, 'hey great gig.'
'thank you,' he says,' you did well to, i saw you dealing with the crowd, and carrying all those drinks, moving through the room, you didn't spill one.'
'ah i wanted to spill a few over some of those assholes.'
'ha yes i imagine you get hassled everywhere.'
'yeah idiots. i'm not even into men.'
captain mission smiles, he thinks that this is fantastic because now he don't have to even think about any sexual issues between them, it was love at first sight for him.
she ends up giving him a card, he looks at it, 'can i borrow your pen?'
she hands it over, her nails half painted with a white gloss and a bright red one, like talons.
he scribbles over her card, writing the words, 'know' before the trouble.
she smiles, but she's seen it all, been around the block a million times, she's not surprised by anything much, but the smile was genuine.
later they meet up, they go to the aquarium.
they go to the zoo.
they go to various pet shops.
they listen to music.
they sit in cafes.
they walk along the beach.
they don't really talk much about anything but they both feel at peace.
everything is simple.
then one day they take a night walk.
'you know if i was a painter i would only paint the night' he says.
'yes i can't think of many painters that do that but it's a great idea.'
'i love the night skies.'
'mmm.'
'look there's jupiter, and venus.'
'how do you know.'
captain mission takes out his i phone application and shows her. he follows the night sky all the time. knows the planets and their movements, knows their influence.
they both stop and sit near a wall, watching the waves break and the magnificent sky. he doesn't notice her hand curled around his at first but then he sends her a little pulse. suddenly a bright light switches on, right in front of them.
'a star is born.'
'our star.'
they sit in silence for a long time watching their star.

while this event occurs over on anteries 7 the great octopus goddess swims to an important council meeting, the chamber of 12 only convene once a year, every year on anteries 7 is 200000 earth years equivalent. it takes a long time for anteries 7 to orbit it's sun. most of the octopi have life spans off a few million years so they take their time about such things, and don't sweat it. to them life is about pleasure and harmony. these beings are all powerful, that is a relative concept, but they have evolved their brains to such a high level things like technology, science, religion, are obsolete. the fact there is a goddess exists as a respected tradition and although she wields some power, it is usually the chamber of 12 that make decisions. not that that happens often. in fact it has not happened for 12 000 years, anteries time.
mostly they convene to engage in pleasurable activities, erotic in nature and harmless.
however this time they have an agenda.
they take their places at the chamber, there are 12 spaces, one for each of them, they are polyp like structures the octopi can play in while engaging in conversation.
when everyone settles the goddess telepathically starts communication.
'we are witnessing the birth of a new star in the multiverse, we have located it's origin in sector seven of the universe we know as 888. or using the old system as some of you prefer 777, however it makes no difference to the problem we face. while the event is several thousand years away it will effect anteries 7 by melting us in approximately 1.7 thousand years. the great chamber must deliver a course of action so we can make preparations.
there is much chatter, ideas exchange at very rapid speeds, some are selected for further consideration some thrown aside but the great goddess has focused on one that is reasonably achievable, if not a little left of centre.
the idea is generated from the octopus known as asha. she is the youngest and the most brilliant mind the octopi have ever known. she starts to explain.
'we must know why starts are created on multidimensional levels, on the most physical they are created by proton, photon tachyon activity but in the higher dimensions they are born from love. we must find the source of this love and stop it.'
the goddess agrees although reluctantly. 'we could travel backwards in time and avert this.'
'yes' asha say, we would have to intercede in 7 dimensions, not just 4. the math is straight forwards but i don't know as to the consequences.'
'the consequences could be catastrophic.' the statement emanates from an old wise octopi called nevets. 'you can't fuck with love dudes.'
'we have to do something. romantic platitudes won't help.'
'it's not romantic, it's white magick.'
'mmm the old ways again.'
'we have evolved since your time nevets, your just an old skool octopi.'
'yes but i am right.'
there's a general feeling that everyone will dismiss his statement when suddenly asha who has been lost in thought, interrupts with a mind bomb of information that would translate along these lines.
'nevets is right.' she smiles at the old octopi, 'we should respect his idea, we can't mess with the first principle, it would return with unimaginable consequences.if not in our lifetimes in other incarnations, we must be true to ourselves and our wisdom.'
silence falls.

captain mission and the waitress who he calls 'know t' or 'not' for short, are drinking coffee in a small cafe waiting for dolphins. they don't come, they never come, but they live in hope and never give up waiting.
they have been seeing one another for a long time but they are only friends. captain mission respects her sexuality and won't transgress it. besides he's happy like this. why complicate things. but little did he know things were about to get very complex.
he'd been watching the stars one night and even though he was quite smashed on high grade thia buddah sticks as he gazed at the stars with not, he makes out a massive octopus shape in the constillations, it's gigantic and so well defined he leans over to not and gives her a gentle nudge.
'hey look up there a moment.'
'yeah, stars, lots of them.'
'look at the shape, tell me what you see?'
'what shapes, it's just a load of stars, lots of them, billions, it's so beautiful but you woke me up, i was sleeping.'
;just look and tell me if you can see anything standing...'
'oh yes, there's an octopus.'
and they lay back staring at the giant octopus above them.
her hand finds it's way to his, she whispers, 'you know what. i'm really happy.'
'me to,' the captain says.

integration. she says it all the time as i was split into parts, all functioning perfectly and coherently within one body. but for some reason connected with the importance of being grounded, i was taken back, de evolved. part of me was released, a part of my being i had no perception off, i had never seen it before and it was unbearably ugly. she said, this is a blessing but it was also a curse. that unleashed inner child of mine wanted love so badly it was destructive and dangerous, especially combined with the magickian persona. i think that's what she was getting at but i could be wrong. she said many times she had been sent by god to bring me down. i guess she did in many ways, no wonder i was kicking and screaming, i was at a stage in my personal evolution that was important to me, it had taken me a lifetime to cultivate so letting go of that was always going to be tricky and throw up resistance.  
the de evolution brought me from a vast god like consciousness down to a child's. i'm struggling with everything emotional and felt like a baby in the world, a baby needing love but i think by then her dark side which represented my mothers was in full bloom. two dangerous dark sides, her own from her past and mine seemed to be born again, two fragments of damaged egos, two polar opposites and two twin souls. souls that only want to unite but also in this paradox of what she calls healing suck out the darkness from one another, the result became trauma. trauma to the point i started having panic attacks everytime i was with her and she me.
i'll talk about this:
we both experience one another. it's a strange complex process but i'm beginning to understand it all so much better as i integrate. she says be careful what you wish for, whereas i say, care for what you wish for. i think we are both correct.
we share trauma  we pull it out off one another and we bear the weight of humanities healing on top of our own. that is no exaggeration, hence the pain, the extreme and the intensity. such is the twin flame journey. it's difficult to perceive it as a gift but it is gods gift to us both.
we are truely equal, there is no doubt, it manifests in almost everything we have done.
this integration has been weird, it stops and starts, it takes a step forwards and then two back, it is horrific and beautiful and often frightening. we are not as free as we think, we are not in control of our lives but often guided by forces we have little control over, i'm not sure how i feel about this but it is been true in this process. there is a soul. there is a god, and therefore he / she / it, must have a plan else why would two individuals experience such an event. it may just be to heal one another, but it also may be for a higher purpose. i have  avoided that aspect so far as it seemed so arrogant and in my magickian i needed to maintain a certain humility and isolation although when we entered the heart magick space i saw glimpses of our future, beautiful future. the potential. i guess i really did need some form of protection but what i got was slightly different. 

now i can feel the aspects of me all coming into cohesive. they struggled with this, that's why it was slow, parts of me clinging to their individuality. 3 seperate egos. they are there for a reason, and it has got me so far in life but now i seem to be in some sort of new formation. 
forming is a word she used often which i am only now beginning to comprehend, this forming period is multi dimensional. i needed to form with her, as an us so we could fly together, but i also needed to form in the structure of my personality. they need the union first. 
they need to form into something new that is one whole and as this is happening i find a certain peace. 
even without her in my life i am at peace whenever i think of her, it's sorrowful but also something beautiful, a really deep love. a love i can''t explain, a love without need or want, a love for her. it's almost as though nothing really matters anymore, only her being fulfilled, happy and at peace. for the first time i am letting go, with love. now that's very new!
as the days pass i feel my integration, parts of me all come together. i accept my inner child, it had needs that were unmet and then demanded them. i had no grace in that state, just a selfish idiot. i accept my failings. i must become a better man, work upon these awful attributes i seem to have now, make myself the best i can be. that is my immediate goal.
my consciousness is growing, it's not the magickian yet but it is expanding slowly with each day, and i can feel all aspects of me not getting weaker as i feared but getting stronger and present as one complete entity. this is my private revolution, but i will always it share with you. 
i meditate and do strange affirmations, stuff i did almost 26 years ago back when i was perusing my spiritual journey. i have to return to the things i have neglected starting with my health. my body. i enter detox, water, fruit and teas. i practice my ritual with the sunrise. i am grateful for my twin and what she has shown me, what i have learnt, i am going within and giving me the love i need. she was right all along. i must change myself, be the change as this will assist her growth as well. i must shift my negative energy and be positive and in balance with myself. 
as i reflect i begin to understand her language and mine. she is based in the spiritual while i was in the magickal language, her words confused me as words are just a map whereas i was navigating in the landscape. now i seem to be decoding her vocabulary and it has a place for me now i am where i am. it actually makes perfect sense. the baby inside me is growing up, it's learning how to walk again. it's returning into a world and seeing only beauty. and i can never forget the incredible beauty of our experience, i became all her ex partners she projected upon me, i lost myself to find myself here. we lived a lifetime in a year and a half. we have lived many lifetimes and this was our last. that's why i was so urgent, and needing to unite. that precious time we have left, we could be doing our mission and i know what our mission is, i always have. i understand i have to do it alone, seperate from her but she has shown me a missing piece of the jigsaw that i am and i acknowledge that with love.   

stay - bowie (from the earthling sessions)

why do you love me?
the question is asked at least once a week and the answer always is bigger than the one that precedes it.
i love you because you have an amazing brain, that seems to be similar to my own, it perceives things slightly different than mine but has similar architecture and structure. you always profess and demonstrate a willingness to change it, explore and experiment with it, and that is awesome. i love the way it thinks, the processes it requires and the way you allow it to dominate you. it really is magnificent and if i could i would keep it near my computer in a jar of nutrients and let it stimulate me 24/7 while i write.
i love your mind, the way you use it, ever moving through the realms, always willing to expand, learn and grow, it's everything i respect in a mind despite it's complex approach to me, it's a joy to behold.
i love your body. it's perfect, it suits my requirements and i want access 24/7. not just for sex but for exploration, sensation, input/ output and the sheer information i seem to feel when i touch it. the way your legs wrap around mine, the way your eyes move through time, the way those veins and arteries all map a highway through your flesh, lines on a map i enjoy travelling along and with. and nothing beats your kiss, the lips that crush against mine, it's something that has no measure. infinity and beyond lies within those kisses.
i love being inside your body, it's the safest feeling and most truest sensation i know, as is listening to your heartbeat, the peace in that is sublime.
i love the words that you use, the laugh that emits when we find joy, i love to watch you dance, that sparkle in your eyes that light up the room. i love your hands are mine, i love your thoughts are mine, i love your nose and ears, the face that always makes me melt no matter what. i love the fact we are old friends. i love the fact we are new friends, i love the words unsaid, the thoughts we share and don't, i love our connection, i love all off you.

the witches of melbourne
sat in circle
candle and bell and frankincense burning
the witches all shared something sad and true
as i sat next to you
the witches of melbourne
spoke words a wisdom
and wrote them on scrolls and parchment
they cast a spell to make it anew 
as i sat next to you
the witches of melbourne
laughed and cried
one may suggest they were not seeing with the eye
some cackled a furious truth
and i sat next to you
our energy filled the room
i felt it through the streets and laneways
i felt it through the nights, in clubs and bars and under the stars
our energy burning bright.
it leads us to meet our strange queer truth, it leads us to the divine, it gives us faith and hope again and sacred insight.
it sparks up something deep within, a certain book reveals
the truth is clarity to me, a violet flame ignites.
and this violet flame it burns like a sword, it operates me now
for the magickian is born again anew, 
and penetrates all. illumination and the heart, 
the burning symbol of vision true
as i sit next to you.

the lunar powered zap gun - blasts lunar cosmic rays, moon light-saturated from reflected sun inherent through the powerful ambient super cathode amplifier that shoots the light in the one single electron/ positron, that was postulated by wheeler. 
you can't possibly fathom the single electron universe without some parts of your mind imploding, it's the bizarre proposition that all electrons are just the same single election. that all observations are points in space-time that the observer fixates upon thinking they observe an independent electron.
as each electron has the same mass and charges it stands to reason they could be the same single unit that is observed. the same would apply for the positron which moves backward in time.
my self inflicted moon powered zap gun blasts it's way into my heart and changes its antimatter field, changing everything. altering time, space and all the conditions it operates within, new realities are born, some warp the dimensional axis and splits infinity beyond the limit of possibility from the moment i seem trapped within.
conditions shift, laws are broken and karma absolves itself into fragments of binary code which is easily hacked. (must speak to my karmic broker about this new development)

i open my eyes, the surf conditions are unchanged, a gentle wave breaks at my feet, slightly cold but comfortable as my toes feel the sand wash around them, i gaze at the moonlit horizon and the negative ion bridge i wade into. spectral forces leer down into my soul as it travels in the moonlight bath. i recreate my physical vessel, leaner, healthy, more muscle and bone density, exceptional flexibility and resilience. this time heart will be whole and there will be no missing beat.
the entities are glamour beings, all tempt me towards lust and glittering prizes. the slim female forms all beckon me to their whispers, promises and lips that keep them, eyes that allure with endless pleasure and sensation. i move passed them all. prizes fame, glory, ambition, materialism cast aside, i move towards the full moon tomorrow at 12. 12. 12. 12. 12. for there is only you and in that moment time will cease. 
     


   

i had to think fast, despite the slow time thinking fast was like walking through treacle, a thick sluggish synaptic spark leaping across to a neuron at a fraction of the speed it usually takes, but let's face it conditions were different now. everything was different now.
i pulled out my moon powered zap gun, it had not been drawn in over one year and the charge was depleted but still potent enough to get me out of any trouble. well not quite but it would offer some illumination in the slow creeping darkness that was descending.
yeah yeah, it's my mental landscape, confused, burnt out, wounded and disappointed with the whole fucking year. a year of drama, chaos and loss. a year where my self-esteem and self-respect were shattered in one act of despicable nastiness and cruelty.
'pull yourself together, lighten up, change the story, get over it.'
yeah easy for you to say i thought, the words echoed through my head like a bell ringing out at midnight.
i wade forwards through the murk, my feet seem leaden, my heart beat a rhythmic thump, the engine that keeps me going. i just don't trust my brain and the mind is deceptive in this state. only my zap gun will set me free and its charge is lower than i would have liked. yet it has never failed me.
oh, i never told you that story, how i acquired the zap gun, it will have to be written in the afterlife.
a woman in tee-shirt smiles at me as i drift passed her wake, what's with all these smiling people, am i on some strange tv show no one informed me about. she's nice, soft and feminine and i want to ask her if that smile was for me but i'm afraid of her reaction. it's just me, alone, i'll figure it all out one day but right now i need to take affirmative action.
i find a quiet spot somewhere, the waves look magnificent and i watch the energy dance. majestic. a beautiful sight, a wonderful thing to behold. i sigh, it's strange to hear such a sound escape my lips, depression has a certain beauty, a certain pathos. it also makes me very sick. very calmly i bring the gun to my chest and pull the trigger. 
lunar rays saturate my heart, and everything changes.