integration. she says it all the time as i was split into parts, all functioning perfectly and coherently within one body. but for some reason connected with the importance of being grounded, i was taken back, de evolved. part of me was released, a part of my being i had no perception off, i had never seen it before and it was unbearably ugly. she said, this is a blessing but it was also a curse. that unleashed inner child of mine wanted love so badly it was destructive and dangerous, especially combined with the magickian persona. i think that's what she was getting at but i could be wrong. she said many times she had been sent by god to bring me down. i guess she did in many ways, no wonder i was kicking and screaming, i was at a stage in my personal evolution that was important to me, it had taken me a lifetime to cultivate so letting go of that was always going to be tricky and throw up resistance.  
the de evolution brought me from a vast god like consciousness down to a child's. i'm struggling with everything emotional and felt like a baby in the world, a baby needing love but i think by then her dark side which represented my mothers was in full bloom. two dangerous dark sides, her own from her past and mine seemed to be born again, two fragments of damaged egos, two polar opposites and two twin souls. souls that only want to unite but also in this paradox of what she calls healing suck out the darkness from one another, the result became trauma. trauma to the point i started having panic attacks everytime i was with her and she me.
i'll talk about this:
we both experience one another. it's a strange complex process but i'm beginning to understand it all so much better as i integrate. she says be careful what you wish for, whereas i say, care for what you wish for. i think we are both correct.
we share trauma  we pull it out off one another and we bear the weight of humanities healing on top of our own. that is no exaggeration, hence the pain, the extreme and the intensity. such is the twin flame journey. it's difficult to perceive it as a gift but it is gods gift to us both.
we are truely equal, there is no doubt, it manifests in almost everything we have done.
this integration has been weird, it stops and starts, it takes a step forwards and then two back, it is horrific and beautiful and often frightening. we are not as free as we think, we are not in control of our lives but often guided by forces we have little control over, i'm not sure how i feel about this but it is been true in this process. there is a soul. there is a god, and therefore he / she / it, must have a plan else why would two individuals experience such an event. it may just be to heal one another, but it also may be for a higher purpose. i have  avoided that aspect so far as it seemed so arrogant and in my magickian i needed to maintain a certain humility and isolation although when we entered the heart magick space i saw glimpses of our future, beautiful future. the potential. i guess i really did need some form of protection but what i got was slightly different. 

now i can feel the aspects of me all coming into cohesive. they struggled with this, that's why it was slow, parts of me clinging to their individuality. 3 seperate egos. they are there for a reason, and it has got me so far in life but now i seem to be in some sort of new formation. 
forming is a word she used often which i am only now beginning to comprehend, this forming period is multi dimensional. i needed to form with her, as an us so we could fly together, but i also needed to form in the structure of my personality. they need the union first. 
they need to form into something new that is one whole and as this is happening i find a certain peace. 
even without her in my life i am at peace whenever i think of her, it's sorrowful but also something beautiful, a really deep love. a love i can''t explain, a love without need or want, a love for her. it's almost as though nothing really matters anymore, only her being fulfilled, happy and at peace. for the first time i am letting go, with love. now that's very new!
as the days pass i feel my integration, parts of me all come together. i accept my inner child, it had needs that were unmet and then demanded them. i had no grace in that state, just a selfish idiot. i accept my failings. i must become a better man, work upon these awful attributes i seem to have now, make myself the best i can be. that is my immediate goal.
my consciousness is growing, it's not the magickian yet but it is expanding slowly with each day, and i can feel all aspects of me not getting weaker as i feared but getting stronger and present as one complete entity. this is my private revolution, but i will always it share with you. 
i meditate and do strange affirmations, stuff i did almost 26 years ago back when i was perusing my spiritual journey. i have to return to the things i have neglected starting with my health. my body. i enter detox, water, fruit and teas. i practice my ritual with the sunrise. i am grateful for my twin and what she has shown me, what i have learnt, i am going within and giving me the love i need. she was right all along. i must change myself, be the change as this will assist her growth as well. i must shift my negative energy and be positive and in balance with myself. 
as i reflect i begin to understand her language and mine. she is based in the spiritual while i was in the magickal language, her words confused me as words are just a map whereas i was navigating in the landscape. now i seem to be decoding her vocabulary and it has a place for me now i am where i am. it actually makes perfect sense. the baby inside me is growing up, it's learning how to walk again. it's returning into a world and seeing only beauty. and i can never forget the incredible beauty of our experience, i became all her ex partners she projected upon me, i lost myself to find myself here. we lived a lifetime in a year and a half. we have lived many lifetimes and this was our last. that's why i was so urgent, and needing to unite. that precious time we have left, we could be doing our mission and i know what our mission is, i always have. i understand i have to do it alone, seperate from her but she has shown me a missing piece of the jigsaw that i am and i acknowledge that with love.