i am back from bondi where i visited my brother and attended a party to celebrate his girl friends birthday. she's lovely, a real nice girl. i smoke a little joint with her flat mate. It's good to see my brother Martin, he's a lovely person whom i admire greatly, he has succeeded where i seem to have failed, he has hundreds of friends and is big in the cooperate sector, he owns his own home and has the respect of those around him. i'm not that interested in all of that but i admire those that do well in that dimension and still maintain their humility as he has.

captain mission had an existential crisis as ayahuscia guided him through his work.

'what do i need to do?' i ask, 'i'm burnt out and balancing all these different things in my life, i have no talents, no gifts, nothing much really to offer except my own experience and here i am in the midst of your tidal wave. you have overwhelmed me because i need to change everything, i have discovered my mission but don't know what to do next.'
'non attachment'
'and what is my role in this?'
'you must be true to what you know is truth'
'the truth is i am your herald'
'yes'
'then i must announce your arrival.'

and then as i perused around bondi markets the next morning it came to me, i have some sort of cd coming out, it's self indulgence and i'm somewhat embarrassed by it in parts, i feel i could have done something better but i am also aware its part of a process i am involved in. and that is evolving. i am just really it's vessel. so perhaps what i need to do is just be honest and credit captain mission as the herald for the plant intelligence that is ayahuscia. i am just a vessel.

then i dance between worlds, the world of work and responsibility, where in fact i am worn out and exhausted and lacking in inspiration. time will heal this, i need to take control and pull myself away from that environment and nurture my needs now.
i need to detach from the strange world of work where i get caught up in it's maya.

i look back at my life, its been a quest for meaning, i was born with an enquiring mind, i ask why, more than how, and somewhere down the time line of incarnations and experience i have found clues, and now i have the answer i am uncertain what to do with it.
the idea of god being separated from his partner, his wife, his yin, his mirror, the goddess, that divine spark of light existing in all creation, the shekhinah, is pulling me towards truth. to know the self one must experience everything possible, all life is an act of love and as love is demonstrated amongst all creations the separation becomes less, life the universe and everything is an act of love. grace is what occurs when we demonstrate this.
every loving act unites us with god, the goddess and the god. union, the supreme yoga. all religions are one, all mystics and magicks will lead to this point anything else will be non truth.
i realise now that all my girl friends where the same girl, i understand almost everything except i am scared of the way i will be perceived as i speak my truth and encourage others to experience their own in hope that they discover something similar and we suddenly all realise in humanity's biggest satori that these separate truths are the same and therefore the ayahuscia experience leads to that objective truth. this was the end of my journey as captain mission, and the beginning of my journey as captain mission.
i am filled with gratitude, honour and love for the journey here, all the people friends, enemies, my family and my tribe, all the people who have assisted me in various forms and situation. it was a privilege to be part of your life as well and i hope if i caused you harm or hurt you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.
humility has been a great lesson.