Sunday, June 29, 2014

it was the future, bright beautiful sunny morning, cloudless and soft, curves in the air, no harsh shadows, these were glorious days, i had a spring in my step, bouncing along the street making my way through the gardens up the path to the hospital gate. 
big trees cast big shadows, some people sat in their shade, drinking coffee, laughing and chatting with visitors. i was on my way to see you, i think this must be where you worked, art therapists or some sort of sexy art nurse, loved by everyone, darling of the doctors and surgeons, with their elegant style and material sheen, confident auras and ultra white teeth, clinical people would have found you an anomaly, people just stood next to you for the healing to begin. you've always been spirit to me. 
i watched it all from some peripheral, maybe it was vivid in the recal, maybe it all had that lucid dream vibration. I don't know because i was dreaming. all i know was that i was deliriously happy, the lightness in me as i floated up those steps into the side doors where they all waited for me.
some man grabbed me, his arms swung around me pulling me away, work colleagues of yours betrayed their secrets, their concern spilled out through clenched teeth and fierce agonised eyes, but i was slow in my dream, not sure if they were concerned for me or someone else, they pulled me into a small room. leather seats, that worn green fade, dark woods, dark musty corners, like an experienced psychiatrists office. i could see a few volumes but couldn't make out the names. the light was soft, coming from a lamp. 
'something's happened mission.'
'i'm just on my way to meet...'
and then they told me, the words came out like physical things, bricks heavy and weighty, bubbles soft and light, like synaesthesia my sensory organs were cross wired, i could hear black hammering down my heart, my brain taking it all in, it was to much.
i woke up in total fear. 
my dream life often intervenes but this was awful, i was shaking and sweating cold fear, i just wanted to see you again absent friend. i just wanted to hold you and tell you whatever it is going down you can talk to me, you can tell me anything any time, it's safe, i'm your friend, albeit terrible as i have not written or rung in years. 
but in my dream it was to late. 
something bad overshadowed you, it came out off nowhere and took you from me, some weird destructive energy inside your head stole you away and i didn't even see it coming. 
i think i even felt guilty, just fucking guilty. that's why i sent you a text outta the blue, i couldn't bare the thought of a world without you, it's inexplicable enough. 
now i look back on that dream and it was the perfect day, walking to you, all that expectation, all that joy and then as soon as i walked through the doorway, gone. the nighmare.
guilty because in my dream i was deliriously happy but you must have been feeling something darker than i could fathom. no one knew, it was a shock for everyone. 
the end of the dream was fading and my concious mind interfering but i think you failed in your attempt, apparently it was violent and savage, you were on life support and i remember walking up to a window and hearing the 'beep beep' of the machinery, i couldn't walk in there cos i figured it was your call so i stood there as my other life leaked in.
i wandered around in the morning, i was outta whack, i had to sit down and collect my thoughts, nothing seemed important. nothing was, i wanted to just run towards you and hug you but i just sat there, i think i cried, fuck, i don't know, it shook me.
when i got a text reply from you i kinda wanted to call you immediately but i'm probably just an old man now, sitting in my sun room watching the birds in the garden. i'm not the person you knew all those years ago, i'm not the person in the dream, i'm not skipping through the sunlight with joy in my heart on the way to see my wife. i'm just captain mission, a man.      

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