the last few days i've been thinking about poor ben, i spoke to his dad and was informed the situation is still critical but the drs are going to attempt to bring him out of the coma. it was a difficult conversation, i mean i am a father and there's a connection. the guys that committed this act are free, they got away. the police whom i loathe at the moment are to busy busting people for driving without the correct stickers on their car.
it's just unbelievable.
another mix of testosterone and alcohol gone wrong, sometimes i think they should ban both.

after much fiddling and twisting dials, pushing sliders and buttons and various buttons i managed to get my mixing desk, the big new one working and recording sound through the mic into the sound software. this is a huge step for me being so technically challenged, next step is to hook up the chaos machine. i think i have enough ideas for the next cd, some half sketched others remain in my head and need taking form, its a strange process and i'm leaning more towards a band now than solo, although val is kinda like a band in himself.

i'm very tired of all this bullshit, really it's getting me down. lisa 1 rings me up and asks if i want to have dinner. i decline stating melancholia but lisa 1 is persistent and offers to shout me dinner. i have no will power, im thinking to myself i should just stay home and read but lisa 1 insists. so she picks me up and we drive south, i wonder where she's taking me.
'somewhere special she says.'
i tell lisa 1 about my awful week and then i start to rave about how fucked everything is.
around neutral bay a siren starts sounding and we have to pull over.
lisa gets busted for not having rego.
ironic, fate, coincidence, destiny, synchronicity , i dunno, just plain bad luck x2 i guess.
we end up at papaya a thai place in neutral bay, the best restaurant i have ever been to this side of the bridge. its amazing. we eat banana leaf salad which is prawns, and crunchy stuff and then special fried rice which has pineapple, king prawns and things served in a scooped out pineapple. amazing food and cheap.

ben a friend is in RPA after being bashed in a fight. the perpetrators ran away and have not been caught. ben is kinda loud and a bit of an ego but he's a good soul, helpful chap, pretty straight up, i took mescal with him once and we laughed a lot, he seemed to lighten up and one day i bumped into him with his daughter and saw how proud he was. kinda felt a certain kinship. he may have permenant brain damage, the nurse said the outlook is bleak.
it's funny how life is. this society. i get fined and hasselled for not having a piece of paper that makes my car legal, yet some idiot can get away with destroying someone's life.
it just don't add up.

driving home, beautiful morning, its about 8am and i turn into the main street that leads uphill to the parkway. immediately i know i have made a mistake, i'm stuck behind a big truck that's travelling like a snail. then at the top of the road a long traffic jam and then as i turn onto the parkway a lovely stretch of road in front i pass a police car who must have done a very fast u turn because next thing i know he is behind me siren blaring. i pull over and he gets out the car, i'm already outside wondering what i've done wrong. he's a huge bloke, trussed up with his gun and visors. he tells me my reg is outta date, fines me $500 and tells me how lucky i am as he could have charged me $1500.
to which i reply, man its ironic that my very wage which i contribute tax pays your wage and keeps you employed, and given that you make more money from innocent tax payers by fining them for minor infringements that is a matter of criminality itself. the fact that you can't even give a days grace is absurd.
thats the law he says looking like he just wants to tazer me.
then the law is an ass i say.
i've always wanted to say that. i can't help it.
i've never lived in a country or state where there are so many regulations and rules, i can't believe how controlled everything is, how many fines there are and how the government always wins. in my head i imagine me discovering some common law notice that allows me to sue the govt. imagine that, i'd be assassinated or worse fined.

i run around in the sun attempting to sort out my rego, when i could be surfing, its such a waste of time.

im halfway through all sorts of things, i feel my head slip and slide around, mind unfocused everytime i miss my yoga classes, enjoyed a dinner in newt town with val and olga and my son jake came along to join us. we heard stories about their travels across europe on a big motorbike. vals like the nexus for all events important, it's like the classic heroes journey, starting of without knowing anything about what's happening as the story starts to unfold around him. galactic events seem to attract themselves towards val, he is connected to everything. the more time i spend with him the more i see that. even ayahuscia plays a role. obscurity and esoteric meaning collide together in a particle accelerator that whirls around his mind.
i'm very stuck on writing a bio, how would i describe myself, an anomaly, a freakazoid, overweight underachiever, just another lost angel, plant emissionary, father, pychonaught, dream enthusiast and sci fi aficionado, accidental musician, jeez it's really hard to do this without sounding like a wanker.

for a brain damaged reclusive eccentric and shy kinda individual i have had a busy week, socially filled with weird and wonderful events and interesting developments.

windswept and rain soaked wednesday night i picked up my son and we drove into newt town to look at bookshops. strangely he is a mini me, a passion for books and reading, we are different in some ways he's unusually creative and socially cultivated for a 20 year old whereas i'm just a shy introvert. anyways being very stylish he went of to look at clothes and things, i went to meet val and olga who were back from their motor bike trip around europe. they both look great, europe obviously suited them. stories were exchanged, drinks drunk, jake joined us laiden with three pairs of shoes. we eat at strange italian place, great food, great company. val seems to be the nexus, everything happens around him, he brings things together and creates something from them. me i feel slightly out of place with all these musicians, they have the talent, me i have a good imagination, that's about it.

yoga is the best thing i have done in the last 5 years. it's saving me from decay and stagnation,in such a short amount of time i feel so much better. i'm still really poor when it comes to the asanas and breathing, but i try and reach my limits. the instructors know i have had broken bones and assist me giving me props. the guy today said he recognised me from avalon, he said he met me once and he would be happy to teach me to become better. i want to be better at yoga. i can feel it in my soul, something familiar and something my body thanks me for afterwards.
i have always meditated, magickal work requires meditation, focus and visualization. i have a good mind, but my body lags behind.
it's time to purge and time to cleanse, it's time to become.

friday night i have dinner with a lisa and gravy, cool meal, japanese food, seaweed salad and english spinach and black sesame seed sauce. very very cool, we smoke a big spliff and watch a big red moon rise over the ocean and follow it as it appears over the headland, i look through gravy's hi tech secret agent binoculars and we can make out the craters, it's magickal, my soul gets its nurishment from this kind of thing, i need it in my life, and people to share it with.
its all wonderful until someone tells me the red is caused by pollution.
saturday i am in glebe an old second hand book shop when an attractive young girl introduces herself, she's an old friend of a friend, we chat a bit and i give her a cd cos she looks a bit gothic and the cover is a bit gothic and truth is i was trying to immpress her, which i now feel embarressed about. me a grown man!
then later in the same bookshop i meet another friend who says hello, he lives in glebe now and i chat about my time living above the salvation army church on ross street. strange days, i lost my mind in there.
in the evening i drive to steve's gig at manly. i'm very early and wander around the jetty looking at the ocean, very calming. there's a strange energy in the air, lots of people getting ready to start their big nights out, i'm a bit nervous because i don't like manly, its filled with testosterone and alcohol fuelled teenagers at nights, not my cup of tea at all.
the boatshed is a place that has not changed much in 20 years, it's a narrow staircase leading into a nautical ambience contained within its confine, a small bar, small stage, no major dress regulations which i find refreshing and a very nice lady running the show.
people trickle in, i'm the first person so and i watch them arrive, such a mixed crowd. the first guy goes on to play. it's not my cup of tea but i admire his playing, the place is filling up fast, steve and nic arrive, we go for a quick smoke at spots. outside manly is gearing up a notch, you can feel the energy, frantic charges with no direction, chaos emerging, random drama, i look at the young girls plastered in make up, short dresses and the folly of youth, the males loud and testy, the smell of violence hangs around, it's unnerving, almost animal but less than, because animals have a nature that they have to follow, this is just stupidity, even decadance has style, this is not decadent. we have a quick puff on what i can only describe as super strong weed. i suggest i take the merch box and see what we can generate. we can only try, all things being equal i hope we can shift some cd's books and the dvd to make up for loss of earnings from the previous gig. it seems the least i can do.
i'm finding it hard to understand how steve kilbey didn't get paid for a gig, it's incredible that someone could not pay the greatest singer song writer in australia for a show. i know it's a big claim but it's true. i've thought so for 30 years. i'm not wrong about this. anyways im kinda having a ball, steve is very funny and has a mind that operates at a million miles a second whereas mine is super slow and sluggish especially after smoking the green goddess. anyways it is kinda like a dream come true, to help your fave rock star out at a gig. something i can tell my grandkids about when steve finally gets that acknowledgement.
the crowd inside are loud and wild, its a rowdy northern beaches joint where people just wanna drink, fight and fuck. i'm somewhat frail tonight, it's intiomidating being in the middle of such erratic people, colliding intop one another, screaming at the people standing next to them, so much interference.
nic and i set up the small box of merch. i'm plugging painkiller to anyone who will listen. steve plays an awesome set, but i feel the crowd should just shut up and listen, they are talking and yelling at one another and steve has to work them into a bit of enthusiasm. i guess the leonard cohen may have been a bit to dark for those beachy types but eventually a persistent steve won the crowd over. people dancing.
then in a kinda post script to the evening, steve has this awful time getting paid resulting in some pretty serious stuff occurring, and then as a result not only gets his money but gets invited back again without the toxic middle man. i do love a happy ending these days.

sometimes i can see myself in a robe, in a temple setting, dark yet warm, somewhere tropical with a breeze that blows through like clockwork when the sun sets. i have some people sit around me and we drink some weird tea, later i strike the bowls, a tone rings out and everyone settles into a nice quiet calm.
meditation is the process where by we focus on the breath as an object and allow our minds to come to a rest. for it is our minds that are the cause of all suffering. we pay to much heed to the thoughts that drift through, often attaching more significance than is necessary. while focusing on the breath, a whole bunch of stuff floats by, you let them go, don't cling to anything, just let it pass and eventually still the mind. in this space exists the void. reaching the void is the same state as being in an isolation chamber for a few hours. after the thinking stops, something else kicks in, a nothingness, the void. even time is obliterated and in this state, out brain can be changed, rewired and updated. but getting to that state requires commitment and hard work.
i see us all, my tribe who sit before me, having practised and practised for many years we can now almost instantaneously reach the void.
within the void we have work to do.

the difficult second album
strangely enough this feels like my first as the recording of adventures was done in trance states due to my brain damage and loss of the girl i was in love with. so here we are full circle, ready to start thinking about the next one.
what's happened in the meantime regarding my thoughts towards the music is a number of clarifying things.
i'm in tune with intelligence beyond my own, my muse is sending me information. sometimes it comes in plant form sometimes dreams sometimes just after deep meditative states. the information is strange and mystical yet ties in with a lot of stuff happening that links all things. for example. my muse instructs me to make trance dimensional pop music.
my own intellect leads me to the conclusion there is only one dimension, all others are in it, and this one dimension is god.
my experience tells me that my consciousness along with a few others has opened and expanded to embrace the current change in earth kundalini. the energy's here are cosmic. there is a planetary alignment happening soon, possibly in 2012 it's self but i am getting information from my intuitive self that things will happen on the 11th of november 2012.
i feel the earth in communication. i hear the whispers of it's guardians, i connect more with the call than anything else. its pulling me towards trans dimensional pop. i have residual songs from the last session that i need to let go off. Maybe an ep.
The second CD will be known as 'esoterotica' it will be warmer, more tropical and sexy, with thematic sexual and sensual overtones. Already one song is halfway recorded. The others are just forming in another world. I am drawn towards the tibetan bowls as my instrument of choice. the soft vibration of their sound powerful and ancient is the sound that transcends dimensions. its the calling sound, of union, it's gods front door bell. my cd will start with that sound. i feel we will journey through the ancient to the modern or all things will converge. this is the information i have gleaned over the last few months.

yoga
i'm the worst student in the class, overweight, i fall over, stumble around like a clown, i can't get my breathing right, i'm easily distracted by the girl to my right, my arms and legs hurt when i try to do the positions as they have breaks and wounds all over from years of accidents, my thoughts wander to the girl on the left and my mind feels like an oil slick spilling out onto something pure and gentle, yet by the end of the class i'm feeling amazing, like i just had a blood transfusion. yoga works for me. i want more.

i took a trip through my memories once, a landscape made of melting clocks just like dali, there were homes and houses, smells and sounds, children laughing and adults crying, there was a ghost playing with a wegee board summoning the living.
came to a big old house with a gothic vibe, the flowers were all overgrown with weeds and the trees alive with malevolence, there was a crow in the branch smoking a cigar, singing a jazz song with another playing a tiny saxophone, jivin. i listened to the voodoo message, 'don't dwell in the past don't return there'
i went to protest and found myself mute. i wandered onwards.
climbed up stairs, trying to find the door, but the steps just reached the sun and the sun just went on and on, and i was thinking no no no...
i was burning like icarus falling falling calling out for god, the devil and any random deity who happened to be in the neighborhood, fallen angel fallen friend fallen faller.
my descent was broken by a travelling band of troubadours and maverick's, wearing bright colours and playing tunes of the spirit and soul. they said 'hey brother you're home now.' so we lit up the peace pipe and blew some smoke rings, under stars and by the oceans gentle wave. i lived with a cute celtic girl who wore bangles on her feet and had the woman's way. she was strong and healing and nursed my wings. we lived in a tee-pee with a dog called pan. we read to one another, did yoga, meditated and surfed, grew our hair wild, untethered to anything material we were free. time propelled its influence no longer for this was love beyond time, just like a dream. there was no power and no desire to control, freedom smelt sweet and light.
then in some other dimension things began to bleed and everything started to change, i was trapped in a series of dreams, symbols and symptoms all merging like lyrics from a bob dylan song when he was just fucking with us, and then i found myself wrenched again. abducted by forces beyond my control.
all i carried with me was the terrible weight of loss and a tragic sadness of longing.
in this life i'm looking for something, something i only know when i find it, i don't know where to even look but i look everywhere, inside my heart, the depths of my soul, i look across the globe, asia, america, europe, i speak to poets politician's, thieves and jokers, i converse with holy peoples and the shaman and the wise, i talk to gardeners, builders, artists, scientists, mystics and magickians, people of the cloth, people of the metals, people of the woods, people of the book, i search within nature, the stars, the patterns in the sands, i look into the tiger eyes, and every night i ask, where will i find this thing that is lost to me.
one day in this strange life i find myself looking through bookshops in the city, old second hand ones where out of print books line the walls and form a maze, bookshops where the books choose you.
i'm walking along kings street. and i see a freind who yells out 'mission' and waves.
i turn and see a friendly face. not quite steve mcqueen in bullet type drive by motion but more like the killer with his beautiful kids. i salute you sir. the king of king st. i know you seek it to.

katmandu
1989
i'm sitting in my hotel at the top of the world smoking some hash, there's a knock at my door. i'm a bit spooked because i don't know anyone here therefore i'm not sure who it could be, my mind runs through a list of possibilities, the police, the hotels manager, someone from the embassy, perhaps it's that girl i saw in the markets, the canadian with the peanuts scarf. i open the door to see a tiny man dressed in red and orange robes, a monk. i'm somewhat stoned, the hash is going down nicely, the altitude. it's an awkward moment but i see the little chap can do me no harm so i invite him in. he steps inside my room.
'captain mission' he asks.
'yes' i respond surprised.
'you have to come with me.'
options run through my mind but there is only one that is worth pursuing. i'm curious, i'm to stoned to fear, and there's not much point in being paranoid up here unless you are in trouble with the chinese border police or smuggling contraband. all i had was ball of nepalese temple that i had half smoked, hardly enough to concern any one. i jumped up from my bed where i sat, grabbed my coat and hat and followed the monk out the door and up some stairs to the roof of the hotel. he said nothing on the way, just shuffled his feet forwards. i attempted to look into his eyes but they were obscured by the shadows, he did a gracious bow and muttered, 'captain mission, stay here.' then he returned down the steps.
up there it's hard not to appreciate the beauty even if your stoned, it's simply breathtaking. i gazed down at the people and the streets below and the mountains and the skies, breathtaking, i couldn't breath or it felt like it. a light encircled me, a beam of yellow light seemed to surround me and i could feel myself disintegrate. that is, every part of me seemed to fall apart, my skin just seemed to dissipate like the final moments of a sand mandala in the breeze. there was no pain just a tingling sensation and suddenly i was nowhere and then the tingling returned, only this time i was pulled together, i could feel myself re assemble, and i took a beautiful big breath.
'Wow'
I was no longer on the rooftop. I was somewhere else. Inside what looked to be like a clinical, medical facility only there were no walls, just a shimmering light and no signs of any instruments, in fact when i looked down there was no floor, everything had a silvery colour and then a face appeared, mercurial and silver, obviously non human.
'What is this?' I asked.
'Do not fear. We have no intention to harm you Captain Mission.'
'Why am i here?'
'To learn.' There was no real speech but the thought in my head, i could see the face now, it was an alien, classically looking archtype, with big round eyes and that child's mouth, the lips moved but the sound appeared in my head, telepathy.
'we are in a different dimension than you. everything appears different to you because you cannot imagine the next higher dimension of existence with you're brain structure at this moment in space time, but we want to share this with you. The lesson will be quick but you will learn quick, your brain will change dramatically and then we will return you to your place upon the roof.'
My mind was kind of falling apart but slowly enough to take stock. i had been teleported somewhere else, a space ship or some sort of military facility, these people were either genuine aliens or i was part of an elaborate hoax, both seemed possibilities. if it's a hoax then i should be a good sport and go along with it, i should not fear a few cameras and besides i should try to look good.
'okay lets go.' i said filled with a fake confidence.
they showed me my life from their dimensional view point, i appeared as a worm, a kind of giant worm because time for them was not cause and effect, it was just effect, my life from birth to now looked like one event, we all did. everything seemed to be in process, all heading towards one direction. my worm life was a beautiful thing, the way it intersected with yours, the way we are all part of this process towards consciousness.
then i re animated again, back to the rooftop. The monk was there to escort me down the steps. i thanked him and he left me on my bed. i smoked another joint and fell into this deep dream of life.