exhaustion catches up with me and i'm contemplating if i can actually drive home or should i stay at friends, my choices are limited and time is running out. tick fucking tock. 
ms. mission suggests a local motel and we rendezvous for a night of deep sleep as we are both on the edge of some sort of collapse. ms. mission has been a busy bee, saving people, saving souls and saving love. she is pretty amazing. 
it's good to see her, it feels like months since i last saw her but it was a few days ago and she looks spectacular in the nighttime as she emerges from her car like a beautiful butterfly from a sliver slender cacoon.
we lay in silence, both spent shapes as we fade out into whatever envelopes us. a new energy seems birthed, something very different dances between us, it has intelligence and meaning.
'what is this called' i ask?
'beauty', she whispers.
it floats around us entwined like some third force only we can manifest, it's sensual and soft sexuality does the work, we just seem to lay there like puppets, it's passive and active, it's light and yet has substance and it fills me with a new type of feeling. 
'it's old' she says between breaths.
'it's deep' i reply.
later i'm about to meet someone for lunch and i'm understanding things have changed. my feelings of love have shifted from deep to deeper and i am at peace with it all.
how strange.
it is getting stranger all the time.

beauty and the beast- bowie

somewhere in the depths of my mind as i fall apart lays the solution to my escape from this grounding, it's popping out from my cerebellum fabric and sparking my central nervous system in waves of synaptic pain only particles can bring. grounding is okay if you seek oblivion but i seek much more than a four-dimensional potential. my requirements are outside the mainframe. 
so in my terrible situation, i seek the answer, each mental thought pushes my board against the invisible barrier i have been imprisoned within. i have to think my way out in waveforms using cosmic power.
the solution is a strange one but arrives after a gut-wrenchingly painful evening.  
i can't depend on anyone anymore, everything outside of myself is unreliable. i can't trust it at all as it cannot trust itself. so i have to move further to the outside of everything, i see the bubbles float across the periphery of my existence. my mind creates them for me. 
how many?
millions, billions, trillions all come into existence and randomly pop, they all pop at some point. i see the space between them, i see the time between them, but i also am able to shift my perspective and comprehend their significance. 
pop! 
hard to imagine i am outside the multiverse. i have been here before although i have forgotten the details apart from the pain of broken bones, it cannot hold me only delay my inevitable rapture. i should be dead but i am not.
here it is represented as foam, a collection of universes, some parallel, some alternate, some interpret dimensions and other alternative times. each universe is a bubble, each bubble a single universe in a collection of others, all represented as foam. i see it all before me and comprehend the pathway i must take. 

i'm done with the game. it becomes very tedious and stale, i'm not going to be where i do not wish to be, i don't want to live another person's life especially if i can't depend upon it. 
i must take responsibility, at least i can trust myself. i am if anything reliable.
the law of probability states, all contracting states eventually expand. so i play the long game now, somewhere a flip has been switched, i know this as my intuition informs.
karmic patterns are being manipulated but i recognize these as false or at least nothing to do with me, my karma is excellent, the account is secure so i feel okay about any significant projection upon me. i just have to take the personal out of it, it's nothing to do with me. it's glamour, it's usually clever and attacks when i am vulnerable, and love, this state, made me very vulnerable and open to exploitation. i must address this on a new level. i made mistakes, i took wrong action, yet everything was as it had to be. i have completed my part of this, it's done, just one more final phase before i see the big picture clearly.

later at the beach, i see it so clearly, as if everything conspires to reveal itself at this moment, a curtain raised and here lies the answers right before my eyes, the complex dance comes to a climax. i see it all now. all.

  

FEAR - ian brown

the bottom, that's where we are at, in the gutter looking at the stars. right? yeah i was in the stars and now pulled down on earth i am amongst the earthed, trapped just like the silver surfer. i will drive myself to the limit until i can break through the barrier i have been held within. there must be a way back for me, integrated or not. this is not whom i am. not where i am meant to be kept.
ms. mission said i was dangerous, maybe she is right, i can't know anything anymore, it's like being in a boxing ring, punch drunk, i swagger around like a dazed fighter on his knees, not being quick-witted enough to even know when to fall.  
every moment is painful as confusion and numbness override the tension. 
i have followed her and this is where i am.
i take my bike out for a spin, i ride here and there, i listen to my thoughts, let them go, i watch the trees, birds and energy, i look up at the blue skies, i wonder as i wander. 
in one moment everything subsides and i understand all the past, has passed, it it unimportant and i cannot attach myself to it's influence. what's done was done. all that really matters is i love this woman. it is a great love, an epic and the cosmos acknowledged us. at the end of the day, that's true for both of us. the future, well i guess that's what you make it.

i have been earthed.
it was quite a fight, ms, mission dragged me kicking and screaming, howling like a baby back from my cosmic alignment and interdimensional transcendence. i fought her all the way but she never gave up and i guess i went through the eye of the needle. 
but it feels awful, raw and exhausted, we both have been jaded by the huge stress and turbulence of it all. i need recovery. i need a moment to nourish myself and feel less depleted than i do, for my whole being is shattered from the whole process. this twin flame shit is not for the faint-hearted, it nearly killed me.
it was worth it, i'd do it again. ms. mission is truly remarkable and her talents are awesome, we do make a considerable powerful team which s why she and i know we need to be very earthed and build from there. 
if you don't know anything about the twin flame experience, it's impossible to describe but there are some good you tube video's that explain it really accurately. i fought the whole thing all the way, so i speak from experience. this stuff is real, it's accurate and true. the fact magick and plant medicine was used on top of our twin connection makes everything very intense, really intense. i wish i was just a normal guy sometimes, wish i didn't feel much at all but i guess i'm an anomaly and have to just accept that. 

strange old day of disappointments as trips are canceled plans changed and various energetic challenges from within, conflict zones and grey areas presenting themselves as i meander around like a fatally wounded soldier looking for a shot of morphine.
everything is going wrong, maybe that's right. these days it's hard to know what's going down. i'm slipping and sliding into something i don't want to be, i gotta dispel that energy or work it into something useful. 
breathe captain breathe
it's okay everyone says, it's okay.
but you and i know it will never really be okay again. how could it.
so i shred the demon, do the inner work i'm nagged by love to do and it's time to face the fucking thing that's kept me emotionally stuck at age 0 to 11, my childhood. my inner child.
he's a fucking pain in the ass, and it's driving me nuts but he needs to know the truth, he's okay, he just needed some loving-kindness and to know he was special. 
captain mission's inner child is special. here's his new story.

born into londons poorest slum whitechapel hospital now london hospital he was almost put in a plastic box but his mother defied the medical establishment and took him in her arms and held him and said, he's my child i love him and i will care for him at home.
the doctors were displeased but let her have her own way as she was strong-willed and a formidable personality.
in the one-bedroom room where the mission family lived the young captain was nursed back to health by his mother and aunt. they took him out to the park every day and fed him his rusks which he seemed top like, but best of all they told him he was special. this always made him feel happy because even then at such a young age he knew he was special.

and thus he grew up into a fine captain, with the ability to love all and receive love from the people who loved him. but most of all he loved himself and the woman who dragged him kicking and screaming, into light 57 years later. 
bless you petrena fuda.

the war within is the only war worth fighting krishna said to me as we chowed down on vegan noodle salad.
he was looking good in his goldern suit and chauffeur's hat.
it had been a long time since we had seen one another and yesterday he seemed to appear on my doorstep offerring me a ride and some company.
to be honest it had been a while since i had spoken to anyone, the days had blended into some kind of weird malaise nightmare where i was wrestling with imput output signals, the white noise that was filtering into my head and the weighty affairs of the heart that had taken me out for these last 9 months. 
'9 months,' krishna said after a pregnant pause, 'you need to birth something now. seems like you are just going through the pain. i have some anesthesia if you want some but recommend you just feel it all eu natural.'
'but it's so fucking painful.'
'yeah well it's one way of looking i guess,' he says as he finishes of the last remnant of tofu.
'perception, i understand it all but applying it at the moment makes my brain hurt and i come over all foggy.'
'mmm, that's that fucking inner child mission, it's just been triggered and now it wants to be heard.'
'well it's driving me mental. it's sabotaging everything. it's not who i am.'
'ah well it's who you were at a very impressionable age, and the imprint was locked up and it is now released and you should be very accomplished at processing it. considering all your capabilities.'
'i'm stuck with this one krishna.'
'this is the battlefield. am i incorrect old friend?'
'nope, you speak truth. it's why i love you man.'
'the war is inside. it's two parts of your nature in conflict. there are ways you can all loose and ways you can all win.'
'the only way to win is not to go into battle.'
'yes, you can let it all go. but that part that has been unleashed will never get what it wants.'
'how do i fight myself, it's tearing me apart.'
'give that part of yourself what it wants, don't expect anyone else to be there for you, you were born alone and it looks like you may even die alone. so make certain you have repaired the damage and if you die alone you are whole.'
'fuck k, don't hold back hey, i'm suddenly not as invulnerable as i once thought.'
'are you going to finish that salad?'
'have it man, i've lost my appetite.'
'let's order some dessert, the cake looks really good.'
i look into his loving eyes and whisper, 'i feel so sick.'

i'm afflicted with some sort of madness, an inner rage, it's idiotic representation smogs my judgment and disturbs me deeply. it's risen from deep within, the swords in my back grow in number, my core is damaged and i'm out of control heading into darkest space alone. 
i feel as if i'm split into two now, one part representing light the other an awful malevolent aspect of myself, a self-loathing and destructive component. is this my inner child expressing itself freely and is it the one that resents love?
i just don't know. it feels like confusion and anger.
i'm ashamed of it, the way it moves through my world now, where did it manifest from. why is it in me?
i read that the twin flames bring this out in one another but i had no idea this was inside me, a form of hate. what exactly do i hate. her?
or myself?
she is undeniably profoundly perfect even with her flaws. which leaves me.
so i must be the love that has turned in upon itself. a form of self-loathing projected outwards.
how do i heal from that?
the only way out is through. i have no choice but to go further through the process alone again. i must find my devotion, it's gone from me. i feel its loss, and i can't risk this void sprouting forth some vampyric entity like before.

suspended in my time constraints i waited for the moment she would unlock the door and we could escape the conditional universe but she had stuff to do first, skiing trips, holidays, work, parties, entertainment pursuits and her entourage of candidates waiting for her hand, to encourage. she was in the thrall of the glamour.
i had placed myself in the entrapment and time was closing in around me. the side effect being i could no longer move, in a state of quantum entanglement as she began to also feel the conditions i was in. she was strong-willed and deliberate, a calculated plan to defy gravity, whereas he was fearless about natural laws of this universe and bold enough to surrender to them when necessary. but the time cage was constricting each day due to her resistance.
he had used his abilities to render it incremental in restriction so it was a pace he could manage but now it was difficult to breathe, difficult to think as overwhelmingly the cage was tighter and tighter and he began to feel it against his flesh. 
he wanted her liberation, and now he wanted his own. 
in processes beyond physics he traveled through space until the nexus point existed in his own mind and outside it, the point where the cage began to return through the timeline and reverse itself.
conditions began to change, the queen would notice slight fluctuations but never fully understand the consequences. messages she picked up began to split her thoughts in two streams, two universes created by her came into existence and she could not decide which one she wanted, whereas he chose only one. thus the continuum contradicts itself and she began to experience the spirit of confusion but never know what to do with it. it began to play random tricks with her, and the universe it had no place within. the spirit was clever. it knew than once she had stepped into the spiritual zone if she went back to its universe she would be even more confused as everything becomes mixed up.
the spirit of confusion made its presence known to him, it teased him and gradually entered his moments with her. it violated time, it played dumb tricks and created chaos where there should be none, it manifested through people, but he saw through it whereas she invested in its presence and gave it meaning. maybe it was her defenses, protector or ally. she wrestled with it but it also wrestled with her, thus the spirit of confusion grew. 
due to the strange strong connection, they shared the spirit of confusion began to enter his world, plaguing him with foggy thoughts uncertainty, a strange malaise. it was as if a virus separated them, and all attempts to unite were sabotaged. 
on the occasions when they were together the spirit of confusion had no real power, it usually operated when they were apart as in the physical presence of it they grew immune but on the mental planes. it thrived. in separation it became a parasite, black and spiderlike it took from its host the one thing she needed to be free.
the polarities between love and moments of despair increased until eventually, the whole of her was no longer her, she was unrecognizable to him. no longer beautiful, no longer the queen, she was the parasite now, feeding on confusion and thriving in it. sucking from both worlds.
dr. strange knew in order to be free he had to let go, completely cut all connections with her, let her lose the one thing she should never lose. her soul. 
he undid the spell. undid himself, reordered a new reality where she was no longer in it, no memory, no attachment, no significance, nothing of her remained, nothing except a love he could never speak to her about again. 
then she was free of him, free to party, chase her wants, go on her trips with her suitors, she could do whatever she wanted to do now, it no longer mattered. nothing mattered anymore because she never really felt anything to dr. strange other than he was her nemesis and she would always wonder what happened to the soul she once experienced.
dr. strange made peace with this universe, he knew all its secrets but that 'special 'love was denied him. he was okay about this because love in his experience was overrated, it was a disappointment and he would be fine without it. alone. 
  

vale damien lovelock.

damien lived about three doors down from me, i'd known him for 30 years, he used to be the only person who regularly donated stuff to the youth refuge at xmas. a good man and he was a character indeed.
one day he came to my place and i noticed a photo of the dali lama i had defaced with 'do not adjust your karma, tune in to the dali lama' which he loved as it was a lyric from his song. i had no idea but we laughed about it for years.
later i saw him play with the church when he jumped on stage at the venue in dee why and sang electric lash. for years i teased him, that was the best gig he ever played. he couldn't stand hearing it, he would go on and on about steve.
every year he and the rifles would play a harbor cruise to which i was always invited, he played a song for me, 'electravision mantra' as i loved it so much. damian was cool guy although i teased him a lot about his gig with the church, he got into yoga and became quite serious about it but the guy had opinions about everything, he was a contradiction, kinda hard not to love the man.  

intention prayer
by
captain mission

you fly 
free
beauty
you dance 
free
flow
you create
free 
artistically
you 
grow
free
interdependently
you are.

uneven poem
by
captain mission

how far you must have unfallen
that's what they would say,
the writers of the truth and those that follow their unorthodox way.
i've always loved the night, the home where you dwell
charmed and enchanted, i fall to its spell
and south horizon splendor, 
ocean in space floating in zen.
we were inseparable and apart, 
that was now this is then.
unmade the great, ever the none
eclipsed by time sayeth the moon and the sun. 

without knowing why i have transversed my own magickal memory, following the 'thisharab' process. although i travel through dimensions easy i don't always understand them completely and thus i return to the past from the future.
i know the details now and why i am not in time. it's almost magickal in itself that my intuition leads me by following my own clues from the future. 
i understand it all so much better but it is difficult to write about for the process was my own and each must find their own, however the guides have left us all we need to follow ourselves into a fifth-dimensional prism, it's quite strange. this must be the fifth dimension these spiritual people are always going on about. i don't think even they understand how it looks, i guess they are enslaved by their language and ego which looks at things in terms of levels and numbers. qualitative perceptions change dramatically from higher dimensions, no one in them can speak of levels because they don't exist, that explains why i never understood all of this new age babble, i'm distinctly old age.
from an early age i was fascinated by time, and as i grew older i played outside of time, seeing it for the cage it is, for the restrictive limitation it enforces upon creation, the cause of all suffering. i operated my own process unknowingly following the pathway laid by the eastern mystics, hacking further into my brain and also the cosmos until now it's all intuitive and i trust it 100%. 
my process led me through time back as the deliverer from suffering, and the liberator of mankind, one at a time. the process was intellectual retraining the mind from it's preconditioned education, everything undone first. the universe bashed me when i strayed from destiny and now i am track with her.