so far away, i should be in new york city, my instincts were correct but yet again my brain sabotaged everything, with it's misplaced loyalty and kind nature. i take responsibility, it was my fault to trust a master manipulator and deceiver and this is the price i must pay. i should be there because you gave me so much, i can't even express what you gave me, it's magnitude is epic in scope, it's beyond words. i know you know that. i don't understand how the universe works but i feel it working, the connections, just like that film i gave you, where the writer feels his debt and from there all things unfold that lead to truth. that's how i feel about you, that's why i should be there. but then there's debt and debt and i had made a commitment to assist a baby into the world. i had to do this for myself as much as for the baby who had called me for help. i know you understand this and i know you will forgive me for not being there for you. the cluster fuck got me as we knew it would. there's no escape from it brother. we went down hard but we are still standing, a man can only meet destiny with a smile and good intention. and if destiny destroys him, who is the greater?
a man who knows fear is the enemy and love is the liberator.
i dreamt of a shark last night, i was swimming in a lovely ocean and a shark broke the surface, i floated upon my back, heading towards the shore slowly, drifting and the shark seemed to swim towards me slowly, i processed my fear and prepared to die fighting. i thought out how i would hit the beast in the eye simultaneously thinking how the shark would tear me limb from limb.
i woke up.
sharks are the survivors, trapped in that level of survival, where nothing really matters except them. they have no higher reason. there's nothing about them other than they survive. you can't deal with a shark if it's hungry. it can't self reflect its nature. it's almost a machine. sad and lonely creature trapped in gratification.

i have realised that there are two types of people, chemical driven ones and natural ones. i'm aligned with the natural ones, a much more intelligent species.