Long ride into the night, sleeplessly complex and slowly my circumstances are drowning me, like soft liquid honey, sweet and pure, deep and deadly. emilie asking me to play Russian roulette with my heart, she comes over all beautiful and fucking gorgeous, and wants to go through the list of +s and – s, the road map to a marriage without the love I want,. I give credit to her honesty, she says she is totally selfish, there is nothing to benefit me, no cash, no sex, no fucking love, and it’s just business and two years of my life, two years.
information comes rapidly, emilie and i meet, we go down the shops for provisions, the happy grocer thinks emile is my wife, 'she's well trained,' he says as she buys the veg, she looks at me amused, later she wants to talk business, i tell her i don't do business but will create a space to talk over the matter that hovers over both our minds, i want to wait till we are home before we talk marriage. i let her talk, and man, this is one lady that can talk, but that accent makes it more than bearable, i mean come on, i can listen to her talk all night but the 'marriage' thing is wearing me out. yes i can feel my defences weaken, we go over the list, i explain, that i have re categorized them into negotiable and non negotiable. i read through the negotiable and we seem quite in tune, however the non negotiable issue is of course the paradox, i can't marry emilie as i will fall in love with her, i also can't live with her knowing that she is fucking other men and women, although i compromised and said she can fuck the women, unselfish being that i am. anyways the situation is stalemate, although according to the immigration dept. i could buy her nine months by lodging an application for marriage, although i would have to marry her within the nine months. well it's 8-9 months extra on the current visa and 8-9 months in which anything can happen, and then maybe nothing, it’s all possibility and it’s all my responsibility. I am frozen in the moment. the problem is she wants to marry me because she knows i am 'reliable and trustworthy', she knows i will respect her, but i don't actually want to, i mean my hormones are going nuts, every time she speaks, looks at me, or breathes my way, blah. i told her that i'd been waiting thirty years for her and she should at least have the decency to fall in love with me immediately, but she just laughed in my face.
The clock is ticking. Is emilie the girl? she meets all my requirements and she even wants to get married, but will she fall in love with me? i guess the question really is, am i her man?

finished 'mammals' a great novel, if you like your reality bleak and french with funny observations and insightful wit and humour, it left me with the existentialist angst that any good french book should leave its readers with.
started unravelling the rainbow by Richard Dawkins, the meme man, it's very good, he's talking about how when Newton discovered the spectrum the english poet Keats said that science had taken all the beauty from the rainbow. its a great topic for a book because dawkins has been accused of being depressingly un faithful to a concept of intelligent design and therefore left his readers feeling alone in a sea of creation that is nothing more than random chance.
in 'rainbows' dawkind suggests that science is driven towards finding the beauty in the chaos and that as it explains existence, more beauty is revealed.
one can apply this to other domains, particularly love, the more i love, the more beautiful life reveals, like the motion upon the surface of the water once the ripples cease, it reveals itself to be a reflection. life?
Its always been a paradox with me, I always get what I want, only to find out, it comes with something that negates itself, my manifestations of reality need fine tuning, I need to become more responsible, what do I do with my creations, I love them and I guess like god, I want them to love me back.