i've always been on my own, from the moment i was conceived, in that womb, alone, kinda floating and growing. i don't know about first memories but after birth i was in an incubator for 4 months as i was very premature, so i guess i was alone then. i remember an astral dream floating up and looking at my rat like body, yellow skin from jaundice and my slit eyes, thin lips a boney lump, with narrow fingers and absent expression, yeah i learnt how to escape in that box, float over the other babies, over the nurses and their charts. drifting down sterile corridors and grey doorways, i travelled into doctors offices and surgery, i gazed into bodies and saw many births and deaths. i saw parents come visit me, they peered through glass, i saw my grandmother lilly and her sister sarah waving, i tried to reach out to them, and then i found myself pulled along by invisible currents towards a coridoor and a locked doorway. i seemed to drift into the room and there surrounded by cabinets i saw the small bottles, the rows and rows of drugs and medicines and pills and i watched these pills and drugs being given to many people and i watched them close their eyes, and i watched their spirits passing, some i met, some warned me, 'never smoke cigarettes, never drink, never fight in war.' they passed onwards and some wanted to stay but i told them that they could not, they were just passing through. their time had expired and they would be melancholy if they hung around, and lonely. and they said, 'but we will have you.'
yeah, alone with the ghosts, that's me travelling through life, unattached, no commitments, feeling tragic, sleeping alone, no warm body to smell, no dream to share but it's my own making, the random thought processor spurts out from my head. yes i created this, for the moment it suits me, as i am married to my muse, she allows certain indiscretions but it really is simple, all women are faces of the goddess, and the goddess is my muse.