the inscrutable chinese came up with that saying, 'may you live in interesting times' and us westerners have never really been able to work out if that is a blessing or a curse. 
me, i had my share of interesting times, my history was diverse, rich in experience and totally non conventional but here i was just about to enter that mid life area somewhat ready to settle into a quiet life of contemplation, ambition tempered by experience and disappointment, content with simple things. the materialistic drive had driven into a dead end and that big plan to change the world or have some impact upon it redrawn into the much more practical idea of just attempting to survive it and then marnee came along and i was unexpectedly happy.
marnee, investigative journalist, writer, political advocate, human rights campaigner,animal liberationist, an all round force to be reckoned with, it was in her blood, both parents journalists, her father responsible for asia's first english independent newspaper, her mother had written several books about american interest's in asia that were best sellers. 
marnee herself had written from the war zones and killing fields of planet earth. kicked out from china, indonesia, malaysia and south africa, wanted for spying in iraq and a fatwa from the king of saudi arabia or some big wig mullah, she had been in situations that were so extreme it was hard to imagine how this gentle soft soul had managed to coherently write about what she saw, let alone stay alive. tiny petite marnee, who would imagine she could cause so much havoc, the pen is truly mightier than the sword. 
where i no longer believed i could change the world, marnee never lost her own belief she could, she needed to make a difference. she had that beautiful sweet optimism and passion that makes up a good journalist, and who the hell was i to even attempt to take that from her just because i had lost mine.


she was apologising, telling me how sorry she felt, how special our love was and knowing her leaving was hurting me but the truth is i wasn't hurting like she thought, i wanted to keep her but i knew that was like clutching smoke, so i had kind of come to an understanding that whatever happiness i was going to get from life was fleeting and transient and marnee i guess was the embodiment of that, may as well enjoy it while it's here i figured.
i knew she wanted me to fill the awkward silence that had fallen between us but the words were stuck halfway down my neck, 'i want you to be happy,' i said insincerely and then added, 'lets just enjoy the next few hours together hey?'
we left it like that, sometimes words make a bad situation worse. we returned home, fucked for a few hours, slept for a few more, i cooked the fish and later in the evening we sat in candle light smoking a joint and listening to the rain, the last thing i remember about marnee was that sweet smell of her soft skin under my nose as i fell asleep.