i'm being force fed waffles at a niche cafe down the beach, she's spent almost two hours hounding me to meet her and join her for coffee and eventually i just give in. i mean i have some time and it's a beautiful morning. nothing else happening.
when i get there she's waving one hand over her head, sunglasses on, scarves wrapped around her shoulders like some 60s movie star. as i approach she stands up and leans in for the kiss. there's nothing i can do, resistance is low, i'm so fatalistic the next two hours will be painful as i'm force fed waffles and stories of her exploits in business. oh dear, i hope she don't ask me to invest.
i smother my waffles in blueberry sauce and start shovelling them down, horrible fucking things, i chew em up and feel so sick as i swallow the big thick wads of whatever evil shit makes waffles. my mouth can feel the blueberry busting, sweet goo slips down the back of my throat and although i have to have some form of conversation with her my mouth stuffed full of waffles it gives me a reason not to.
'it's been such a lovey year for the trade darlink,' she says loud enough for people to overhear. i wish i could just hide my head in shame but all i can do is waffle my waffles and nod my head.
'the market just seemed to explode and now we have america i just feel so blessed.'
i attempt to ask her a banal question but with a mouthful of waffle it just comes out muffled. so i smile nod my head and slump into some sort of weird dejection as my glamorous companion seems to somehow have ordered more waffles for the table. 'eat, eat, you look so malnourished, i simply must come over and cook for you, i think you need my squid ink pasta darlink, it's divine. tonight would be perfect, i'll bring wine, you like pinots right? you must try the sidewood i have a 2017, it's divine, now have you had your cards read recently, you came up in my readings...'
and on it went, onwards into the drone sound one gets at mind body festivals, middle class women talking about their buddhist practice.
there is only so many waffles a man can eat and if you are a man who hates waffles the number is diminished but she just kept ordering them as i become weighed down by them, they absorbed into my bloodstream and cells, my brain became a big blueberry waffle blob, a trapped audience as she went on and one about her new enterprises, shopping trips, her garden, her spiritual practice, the need for cashmere sweaters and if abc national was becoming to repetitive (possibly the only thing i could agree with but not in a way she would understand)
lets face it she was successful. not unattractive but really loud and flaunting her wealth made her kind of ugly in my book. i mean i've known wealthy people but they are all understated, whereas marylyn just looked like she belonged on san tropez sipping moet with some racing car driver on one arm and some greek shipping magnate on the other. as usual i'm completely out of place. but she is a force to be reckoned with and eventually when the waffles run out i am wrapped in her arms as she kisses me on the cheek and asks if i would like to walk along the beach with her.
'we can put our shoes in my car,' she suggests.
'oh, er i really need to get back, mission control needs me, my sofa needs me, i need my sofa. i need to close my eyes, sink into the depths of some oblivion where there are no sounds, no lights, no people. but what do i know, waffles dumb all resistance down, it's like fluoride, just makes you more susceptible to suggestion so before i know about it, i've dumped my boots in her car and find myself wandering hand in hand down to the shoreline.
thankfully the water is warmer than the air and not freezing, it's quite beautiful, crystal clear and clean. azure blue.
i stop to look at pieces of debris, that has washed up in the tidal flow of last nights full moon. the sand feels good between my toes, the water laps my feet and despite my waffle stuffed body i figure the day will get better, 'let's just keep walking' she says, 'to the next town.'
first sensible thing she has said. i start to warm up.