i'm wrestling with a demon.
meredith rings me at about 10pm to say she is really looking forwards to chatting with me and will call me as soon as boston legal finishes. i say, great i am really excited, i am at work and its one of those opurtunities where we can chat all night.
the call don't come.
i call her home line, it rings out, later her mobile rings out. try again, i call her home leave messages, send texts, call mobile it's engaged, then it rings out, same with home, later the message bank comes on.
anyway there's my mind playing tricks, going down all sorts of senerios that i don't like to think about, seizure in the bath tub perhaps, i mean, it's pointless. but this is the demon that exists in my head, i need to face all my fears and exorsice them before they overwhelm me. relationships and love brings out fear, it's understandable, its the first time i felt it in this relationship and i need to process it. perhaps meredith just fell asleep and that's the end of story, i don't really know at time of report, perhaps i just need to chill out.
instincts are all over the place, i guess i just need to face up to my fear and deal with it, after all that's what captain mission does.
anyway i feel like listening to lloyd cole right now.

later when we do talk we uncover she's had a seizure and i am kinda freaking out at her, it's totally irrational, i'm not sure i understand it myself but its bad. shes upset at me, poor thing, i turn into a brute interrigating her, suggesting that she move up here, my head pounds with sleeplessness, i feel everything slipping away, the more i reach out the further it slips. i don't know what to say or do, so i start saying crazy things, i can't even recall what i am saying, the word salad happens.