Disturbing dreams have kept me awake all night, I cannot sleep any more, it’s late, I write a letter to Meredith, then hours later I read it, it’s strange, I’m slightly embarrassed by its contents, I am unsure what I have written, but I send it anyway. We speak on the phone briefly, today she will find out if she has a brain tumour, in fact she’s in the hospital right now, and I’m just waiting for the call.
My intuition says its just stress, but there are always other possibilities and although I am positive focused and fixed on the task ahead I am also very aware that I may have to prepare for the worst.
So the worst-case scenario plays itself through my head like a weird tragic love story and I find myself in the horrifically selfish arena of self-pity. I shake that loose, it’s the one place I don’t want to be. Consider Meredith’s perspective, she’s the most bravest strongest woman I have ever met, she is a true angel, she’s been fucked over many times yet she makes everyone laugh, she’s so unselfish it makes me ashamed. She gives 100% of herself to everyone. She faced my demonic experience in hospital while under her own strain, handled a situation really well and put me first. How many girls do that these days?
So yeah Meredith, whatever happens looks like your stuck with me.