Ha! after a few days of psychic anxiety, my intuitions confirmed, sam is involved with some one else, a boring man from her past she once got engaged to then dumped, i knew the third diumping was coming, i could feel it in my bones, however this time anxiety had build up to the point i could prepare for it and process it well, it was the non confirmation stage that was fucking me up. anyway all done, very clean, i hope she's happy with him i really do, but i did feel the potential there for a while, it was a good and i feel sad that she has made her choice, more for her than me.
never mind life here at mission control goes on, things happen, people pass through the revolving door of my world and i pass through theirs, it's not the journey i really ever wanted but it's the one i am on and i may as well enjoy the view.
so the morning starts with a huge black rain cloud, i am driving down the carnage highway, listening to 'killing moon' into the low cloud, rain hits the windshield as i drive through a waterfall that lasts till i get to palm beach, cars are speed boats, water flies every where as roads are flooded, i park, i run to a friends house, my guitar case is hualed up a flight of stairs, i perform the song to her as the kettle boils, she does some re-arranging on the piano, makes it hers, it sounds nice, but it's lost the edge i gave it.
anyways after the break up i find myself feeling a bit lost and lonely, i listen to some more echo, if i smoked ciggarettes i would have smoked one, but instead i just watch the clouds roll by and look at the waterlogged life i leave behind me. it's a terrible feeling to be dumped, but after the third one it begins to feel liberating, thrilling even. usually when i dump someone, i take them to bronte beach, where the cafes are, it's more memorable and a nicer enviroment. Once when i was with a friend i was telling her about how it's my break up beach, the girl sitting next to us overheard and said she was meeting her boyfriend to dump him. i think dumping is a real art form, when i dump, very rarely, i like to do it with as much dignity as possible. it's an ending, it's completion, it's closure, it's a ritual and if it's not done correctly it will come back to huant you. Credit where it's due sam handled it well and was able to express herself in a reasonably clear way, i don't harbour any bad feelings towards her at all. i am powerful, my ability to read the etheric patterns is uncanny, it's sometimes more a curse than a blessing but it's okay becuase i trust it. it's a terrible responsibility but i manage it well, i rarely abuse it. shaman, transpersonal, magickian, all of these things come naturally to me, and over the last 5 years they are sharply refined and improved, using the techniques i rave on about in these pages sometimes.
so here i am 4 days off in a row and nothing but big black clouds in the sky, rain falling, the cold held at bay, a residual sadness at the possibilities of the promise of maybe.
i have a recipe for blueberry crumble. I'm going to test it out, i'll let you know if it's any good.