weird energy slips through today, ominous feeling and wrought with dread. i don't know what's going on but it's crippling as i make my way through the day. fuck this energy, i twist and turn it, yet i can't deny it's presence. 
it's very painful as if being the carrier of some impending catastrophe vision.   

things move fast, things fall into place, things circle around me, things spiral with me at the centre, things come together, things conjoin, things materialise, things morph, things pulse, things connect, things attract. unusual people seem to drift towards me now, strange as i don't feel attractive yet i'm attracting. i am an expert at isolation, i been doing it for years and now it's c-19 trendy i listen to people who find it difficult whereas i found it easy and productive.   

sunrise over avoca, i'm sipping my coffee watching the lake shimmer as the sun makes it's way across the dawn. crystal forms dance at my feet. i feel the breeze penetrate my skin, the sound of nature blooming for a day of harmony. in the distance i see the market take form, it's vast winding corridors sprawl around the lake and colorful people begin to give it shape. i wander through like a stranger in a stranger land and find myself staring at a large format children's book, it's called 'ancient egypt,' and it's identical to one i made up in a novel i was working upon last night. 

to be honest i am stunned as i flick through the pages, it's not just identical, it's the one i describe. things get stranger.

across the path i notice a magnificent set of drawings, i wander over and stare at the mushroom image which is obviously magickal in origin. this lady comes to me, the artist.

'did you do these drawings?'

smiling she says, 'yes.'

'they are amazing. i love them, truely you are in tune with the magickal realms.'

'yes, i am a fairy.'

i laugh at her smile, of course she is.

we speak about my experience in the faye realm, about certain alliances and she recognizes me as a wizard.

she says, 'i see you in a house filled with books and candles.'

we swap a few stories and i comment again on the magnificence of her work and walk to the next stall, en route to the bagel stall. here is a stand filled with strange jewelry made from crystals and right at the front is a book called, fairies and the magical realms. i show the fairy this and she smiles, 'you are magickal.'

'yeah,, i am. i'm very magickal. it was a pleasure meeting you.'

i wander away, heading for the bagel stall where i get an amazing bagel with lox. the bees fucking knees.

i work around the house, the garden is wild and lush like a jungle. i tear into some fallen palm fronds, i weed the dead leaves and fill my green bin with foliage. i speak with family and friends, i make a loose plan, i eat a banana, do some writing, read some magickal stuff and do my energy work. 

power surges through me, i feel it igniting my bones and building up into something. my mind is disciplined now, i must keep focus and not steer from my path. i have to push forwards alone, pushing and kicking against the pricks. it's time to fight back, time to move forwards, time to let love go and take some action because no one else will. i make a plan for the usa, i make a plan for paris, there are people whom want to actually be with me, and for the first time in a long time i make space for others. 

we go to the movies, see the film we stared in, our own movie. at one point the scene is infinite mirrors as we watch ourselves watching ourselves in the same movie, that's when i tear down the screen and you smash the projector and we finally see there is only one screen, and it's not a screen.
all is true, the truth is all that matters and the truth is love. i feel the pain sharp stabbing in my soul, not sure if it's projecting inwards or out but it hurts. i sit with this, there is only ever one event that starts this and a few hours later i have managed to alter the energy so that it's less intense. obviously i need to confirm if my instinct is correct and thus make the call. thankfully my twin speaks the truth and although it is usually very hard to hear or accept i respect that about her.
the pain has left my body although i'm disappointed but mostly in myself for being so fucking sensitive to energy.
i make my peace with it all.
other actions are occurring. interesting how this works. i stand amongst the wreckage of a projector and the shreds of a movie screen, fragmenting illusions.
all i have done for the last year and a half is fight illusions, hers and mine and other people who seem to want to project upon me. it really did destroy me, pure torture intermittent joy when we truly are alone and our mind is not in fear.. i've never cried so many tears or felt so hurt, it's been hell but it's been so worthwhile, she is worthwhile. i'm the door. she was the key, i am the key she the door. everything unlocked and now all that awaits is for us to walk through or close it.
my mind is wandering into my next arrangements, i am indecisive, having a few interesting options now. i can't out-think myself, information happens fast, my processes are kicking in and i am being pulled in two directions, one east one west. both seem appealing. myself, both now immediate.

information influx, anteries is the 5th brightest star in the sky, it was discovered by a man named tobias, it is ruled by the archangel ariel.
very strange

old captain mission is older than you know, he travels all the way across the watery town to see a past life regression therapist. he goes under like a heavy rock and slips into a deep state where he reverses the flow of time and gets younger, into the birth canal but instead of popping back in his past life he seems to be in the far future, which may be the distant past.
okay, let me illuminate. the captain is a baby, my name is tobias, on some weird alien spacecraft. faces look down upon him with great joy as though they have been waiting for his arrival. the beings are not quite human, elongated with massive eyes they are benevolent and kind. they show great compassion for the baby mission. i see only kindness.
then i am a five-year-old, wandering into the forbidden room which is in darkness. i stand up looking at a huge chair, a throne. it is not made of any recognizable material. i gaze up in awe.
then age 20 i am teaching a classroom of children the art of creation. as the stars zoom past i teach each star is a soul and the children all pay attention, i show them how to care for each soul and assist it's growth. i teach them how to manifest beauty, trees, spiderwebs, sunsets and butterflies. one girl (ariel) aged around 14 looks up at me and offers me an alluring look, it's her.
i'm sitting on that big chair, holding my hand is the girl and adult now. she is my partner and counsel, we are in positions of authority although in my state it's just elevated, ascended. every act we make is in agreement, we are at peace and a strange bliss emanates. inseparable. 
later in this lifetime we travel to our star, i think it is called anteries. we share a star. i show her it's beauty and she shows me hers. i feel her hand holding mine, and we share that look. that look.
my next life i am sent to is alone, a sort of lonely isolated man, name of james, living in the mountains near a huge lake where i fish and hunt, every moment is spent in nature. i have learnt contentment and the harmony of the natural world, it's monastic but i am happy. 
later at the end of this life i sit by a fire place recalling a previous life as a north american indian warrior who takes himself away to die. this memory allows me to die peacefully by the fireplace in my log cabin.
i return to my current life.

awakened at dawn i find myself escorting a friend to a relationship workshop in dulwich hill. (more irony than a man can bare) she has an appointment and is anxious about going alone, after all, its personal stuff disclosed to a bunch of strangers, she's agitated about the whole thing so we leave early and stop in the city for a walk through kings street, grabbing various coffees, teas, healthy drinks and the occasional trinket. i'm looking for a panamanian hat, my man seems to have closed shop as i can't locate his shop anywhere near where i recall it to be. it's a funny old day as everyone seems to be smiling at me, big wide grins of acknowledgment and recognition.  
my friend wants thai food so we take a break from the hordes and duck into a small pocket-sized place that seems to have the meals already in front of us. i can't recall ordering but this is apparently exactly what i wanted, veggies and tofu. it's delicious. my friend eats meat so she's chowing down something that looks uninteresting to me. i'm in my vegan mindset again, discipline seems to be my key word of the moment. my mind is crispy, it even smells of fresh apples plucked from a tasmanian orchard.
later we stand outside the shopfront where the workshop will take place, no one seems to be around. i notice the building next door is a chocolate factory with a narrow doorway that we wander through from the street. inside is a short sighted giant who seems happy to see us.
i've already seen a huge tray marked 'seconds' and inside are bags of gourmet hand made chocolates for a few dollars.
well it seems the giant is upon us, explaining each bags variations. and i must say my discipline goes out the window instantly.
we scoff the bag between us as we wait for the workshop facilitator to arrive. 
when she does she's a glamorous looking woman with an assistant in tow, they hold lots of workshop stuff, thick marker pens, butcher paper and various files.
we are let inside and almost immediately several other people turn up.
i make an agreement to pick up my friend at 4pm and take myself to enmore. i stop in at a friends shop, say hi to the georgian girl who recognizes me, many pleasantries are exchanged and i'm almost forcing myself not to ask her to write in 'georgian' for me as i normally find myself mesmerized whenever she does.
i don't buy anything but feel like i have been given something without any cash exchanging hands, she puts something inside my heart, she always does this strangely. we say goodbye and i wish her well.
the strange pull of people towards me seems very strong today, i can't seem to slip into anonymity, everyone just acknowledges me. i end up in the art bookshop asking for sarah parry's new book which i am desperate to read but they don't have it so i buy alister reynolds new one 'permafrost.'
the girl at the counter asks me what i bought, she inspects the cover. i give her a run down on the genius of reynolds and why she should read him. she's looking at me with a strange look, almost something intimate, she nods her head and says she will read him and mentions she loves science fiction. i notice her face is quite elfish, she's an inner-city elf girl. she's looking at me very strangely but not in a bad way. i attempt to leave the shop but something stops me, a pull, she's using some sort of weird attraction upon me, i can see it in her eyes. i stare at her, snapping whatever fixation she cast. we briefly smile and i leap out the door to escape.
later i sit in the graveyard with two spanish ladies. they have a beautiful cat with them, and their english is almost non-existant but i attempt to engage in some friendly banter. i'm drinking a green health juice and they are sharing an ice cream. it's somehow all wrong, they even seem to know it. they offer me a lick but i've rediscovered my discipline.
later i find i have almost an hour and a half to kill so i go check out the market where the hub used to be. 
memories pull me back to the old days. the bank hotel, the singapore gourmet, the late-night escapades. it all comes flooding back in a wave of weirdness. i have to force myself back to the moment with some breath work and mantra. a buddhist man in white appears in front of me and i spontaneously say, 'i'm working on my inner child.'  
he nods as though needing to know this intimate secret that i have apparently revealed, smiles and vanishes into the crowds.
i march back to pick up my friend and drive her home. she tells me she didn't enjoy the workshop at all. 

  

at 16 days intervals i receive information from the cosmos, this morning i download a vast array of information and instruction. my mind has to deal with the implications and make new decisions. for one and a half years i had no choices but now i have a few and they are becoming apparently necessary as the one choice seems to fade further from me others grasp my gut and pull me in new directions. 
this is okay. i understand it, it's not what i ever wanted but what is. 
probability machines dance in front of my eyes, i am dabbling in matters anew, seeing through the veils again. the dance of my own mind is in its own war, and there are two ways out. i choose the one that i don't know. i dissolve back into quanta, reformat my being and emerge anew. thank you to the great alchemist who has guided me. thank you to the new beings and beginnings.
energies seem to be still, the great peace is maintained although there are areas of impossible conflicts, it is short-lived skirmishes for my own liberation. the final fucking part of a horrific period has drawn to an end. 
the noise fades out and i hear the signal. loud and clear.
the judging appears over, the hate ended, the reduction energy dissipated, the truth reveals.
signal not noise.
soul not mind.

pulled into some sort of narcosis my eyes can't stay open. we have been chatting on the phone about a number of things, mostly a six-month break so you can move forward with your commitments. it's a space i offer but it's probably going to end anything we may have that keeps us fixed. it's risky but it is an option, i guess the stakes are high.
we can't resolve the situation but my body suddenly feels tired and a wave of gravity pulls me down. i fall into a deep sleep.
in the astral realm, your legs are wrapped around mine, it's erotic imagery but also deeply communicative. 
what are we saying, what language do we speak, what whispers evade our lips, it's all so dreamlike and surreal?
it feels very real as your lips crush mine. 
    

the money came rolling in, i spent it immediately, cocaine, girls and fast cars, i didn't care, you only live once right? 

my dealers fell in love with one another, it was a strange match but cars and cocaine made an unlikely successful marriage. they seemed happy and grateful, after all it was me that brought them together. ultimately i was not spending enough, three homes, four cars, a big bag of coke a day, the girls had their expensive needs to which somehow i was deemed responsible for but my accountants deemed it necessary to buy more. they insisted if i didn't i would lose half the money in taxes, so i did, i spent the cash in the most random ways possible, buying up small french villages, supermarket chains, winery's, funding scientific research and each ad every one just seemed to earn me more cash, i had the midas touch.

anyways life was a party and it rotated around me until it all blurred into a dali type nightmare sequence and my head quite literally imploded. 
they said i had had a breakdown, i just found myself in a wheelchair, high up looking out an elaborate victorian window down onto a perfectly manicured lawn and a beautiful pond where a pair of swans seemed to drift in perfect synchronization.

i stared out of that window for hours, each day looking down at the figures that wandered around, people, but always coming back to the pond. somedays it would rain leaving a thick foggy layer carpeting the lake and lawns and the swans would appear from the mist like strange regal beasts materializing out from smoke, they would drift around and then disappear again. 

i was told i had been in there for quite a few months, the nurse came to wheel me to my room. every day she took my temperature, measured my heart rate, made me walk a little and then she would undress me, guide me to the shower where i would be cleaned by her and then redressed in clean gowns and wheeled back to my window. perhaps at intervals i was fed and given medication, i can't recall everything, it gets foggy in my mind as well.

i hardly spoke, i didn't read anything although there was always a bundle of magazines each day for me, i didn't really speak or listen even when the men in suits who said they knew me came to talk business with me, they reassured me everything was okay, they made me sign a few cheques and then in the uncomfortable silence would make an excuse and leave but not before promising to call in again.
i don't know what was going on in my head, i just felt as though i had no will to do anything at all except look at the swans.
one day i noticed across from my window was another, and there in the shadows i saw a figure in a wheelchair, she was staring down at the swans as well, but she also had seen me and waved her hand. for the first time i felt some kind of curiosity, a spark of synaptic intrigue. given the proximity, i could wheel myself over to her window, it would mean i would have to leave the area i am familiar with and travel along the west and then southern wing. i felt like i had the strength, i certainly had enough time. for the next week i researched the frequency of my counterpoint, it seemed she looked out at the window from about 10am until 7pm, and at noon someone wheeled her away for an hour, possibly for lunch, same as i.
i set of on a sunday morning, after breakfast, i took myself down to the end of the corridor, a few nurses walked past me, but they were indifferent, an orderly smiled and a cleaner pushed her trolly out of the way, that was the extent of interaction with people. 
i positioned the chair at right angles to her room door, 22 and smiled as i had room 11. there seemed a strange synchronicity which i trusted.
i reached forward and knocked on the door only to find it was open, silently swinging away from me in the slowest of movements revealing an elegant looking woman who close-up looks even more attractive and exquisite than at a distance.
we looked at one another in silence and smiled.
i wheeled myself inside and closed the door behind me, making certain it was locked.
'what would you do for love?' i asked.
'anything,' she replies. 
my past was obliterated as she held my gaze with her magnificent eyes.