well from one health scare to another, from one dramatic tension to another, from one crisis to another and then salvation. it's all the same thing, the one electron theory. the get out of jail free card if you apply it, a little quantum physics goes a long way if you don't observe it or at least try to. as a student of all things strange and mystical and occult i was mentored by one individual who revolutionised the way i think. he died recently. a quantum physicist who was also a wizard. 

so there's that.

then there's this, a long chat with my uncle and aunt yesterday was productive and interesting, it was great to hear them and laugh. i put a few things in perspective. there's so much going on and then there's nothing but the void in which we exist, thinking it's all going on. it's just history, it's just existence getting to know itself, it's just random, it's chaos looking for order, it's the yin yang, it's the terrifying beauty of truth, it's the beautiful truth of terror. we are all dying while we live, we are all energy interacting with energy, we cannot end only change. that's the only truth that is consistent.

new phase on the horizon, i await this moment, it's slower, more joyous and fruitful. relationships must shift into this new area of thinking, i'm done with movements that don't move, conversations built upon fear and lies, people awakened who are asleep, it's all there in plain sight, the zombie apocalypse. plug into your news feed, absorb your truth, fill your heart with hate today, fill your mind with lies and agendas, and then create it. it's the same old story what came first? the idea or the act. can you really create something out of nothing. is nothing something?

ha! zen koans rule. awake sleeper. whack!

the surf this morning was spectacular, there were very few waves but the water was warm, so clear i could see the fish swimming, big fish and a lot of them.  i spent about forty minutes splashing about,  and further out sharks were sighted. it really was a fantastic morning, the sun dried me in about 10 mins and it was really hot for autumn. actually better than most summer days, i just hope it stays this warm. nights are different, much colder once the sun sets and a good reason for early nights.

my head injury seems to be much better today, yesterday was quite painful again and i had to take two painkillers which is very rare for me. i have to say they made a huge difference and after 20 mins of taking them the migraine- like throb that lingered all day disappeared. on top of that my heart today was beating strong and in time, for the first time in months i felt as if i were 100%.

 'it's to late, to be late again.' bowie, said. 

i recall seeing him at earls court in 78, a little kid in total awe, overwhelmed by the amount of people and the size of the place. my dad had got me the ticket through his friend, they had gone to a lot of trouble as the show was already sold out but dad knew what it meant to me, he pulled out all stops. i vaguely remember when he told me, i was jumping around the house smiling like an idiot.  at the show i was seated in a great spot but the audience was so large it was like being at a wembley final football match but all the pitch was covered in seated people facing a huge stage. 

the band came on and opened with warzawa which was mysterious and dramatic and then launched into heroes, david in that ridiculous sailors outfit, those big white stripped vertical lights came on and that was it. the next hours passed by so fast, it was hard to process as the atmosphere blended into the music and some sort of weird synthanesea overtook my brain input. the next thing i knew it was encores and like everyone there i made a lot of noise. the highlight was 'station to station' which is captured really well on 'welcome to the blackout' as was 'beauty and the beast.' in fact that is a great bootleg although now officially available, it was recorded over the few nights bowie played there and put together by tony visconti. 

anyways, thanks dad. i know you would have tried really hard to get me that ticket. i was 15 years old.

i think about that line, 'it's to late to be late again,' a lot. especially after dads death, because the implications are so much is left unsaid. and that's the saddest part of it all. the bit that lingers on and haunts you is all the words missed. anyways, i guess it comes down to our individual responsibility, my disappointment belongs to me, and it's to late.

i am good,  i seem to be a surviver of all things be it global or local, and my outlook is positive personally. a few weeks ago maybe a month i attempted to call my brother who lives in london, he is going through a change in career and life, and i had some critical health issues and needed to let someone know in case i never made it. as usual my brother never answered or returned the call until it was to late but it was good to chat with him last night. rather than go into details about my predicaments i kept it about him and what he plans to do in the close future. he wants to get out of the uk. he seems to think it's really fucked and he would not be wrong, something i have seen over several years and knew decades ago. there is very little doubt now unless something radically changes there will be civil war or global war, uk has now placed itself on an official war footing.  

i've had some time of from work and although these weeks have been quiet i have found myself thinking about my dad more than ever. and actually identified a few regrets. these do not weigh me down but fill me with a sort of sadness and subtle weight within, an introspective type of emotion where i feel i had so much unsaid. i guess i said it all the funeral but deep down he really needed to hear it in conversation, and that's one of the things i miss most about him, our chats. anyways, time's arrow travels in one direction and as a passenger the universe flows passed me, as today i feel still.

outside sun breaks through the front jungle, the pond rages and the birds sing. i hear the ocean calling me. neptune sings out, his siren daughters call. it's fresh clean and warmish, the waves break in perfect form, i cannot go far out or really be unwatched but i throw myself in and splash around, like a baptism ceremony, back in the ocean, my head bleeds out poisonous thoughts and fills with awe. all this stuff may be part of a situation and it may not be real at all but some parts are beautiful and some bits feel realer than others. 

unfortunately i cannot stay long, certain responsibilities pull me back into the illusionary world, and i have to embrace them with an open heart and mind.

still pondering the direction of my sequel, it's sort of complete but the ending is not quite powerful enough. it drifts into more my normal style of writing and narrative and gets quite metaphysical in conclusion but i am writing about child trafficking and pedophilia in contemporary times some 30 years after the antidote. so do i enter into a lovecraftian ending or keep it real. and then what's real anymore? 

this morning i woke up and pondered the question, at what point did it all break. there are a number of answers. the strangest is when bowie died. it does feel like he was holding the fabric of reality together, i don't quite know how that works or what it means, it cannot really be true although it feels true. then there's the hadron collider, which when i fist heard i found hard to accept but now see it as a real possibility. did it fabricate a new reality, a somewhat more absurd and chaotic one. i don't know but if you mess with the dna of the being somethings going to mutate. atoms spin by the hand of god, they collide by design not by science. unless of course it is all a simulation and the program is self destructing. will we build a new one, will we just download ourselves into it or just zero out like the tv set when it's switched off. i always said, trump heralded the post truth world, where nothing can be trusted, media, people, institutions. 

then finally i decide it's cosmic warfare. as i navigate the zombie apocalypse, the truth becomes clearer for me. i'm alive, only just but I have an advantage, i know the date of my death. ayahuscia showed me the way, sometimes i just have to remember.

someone i love said to me, 'i don't believe in accumulating material things anymore.'

but that's just a half truth, it's not the material things that count as meaningful or meaningless, it's the attachment to them. there is only one way out of here. let it go.

a few tests this morning with the technicians, they wire me up and take readings, 'bippitty boppity bip' a few injections, strangely i am immune to these, maybe as i have desensitised to them over the years. the lady jabbing me is from the uk and we chat about the old country, music in the 80's and the cost of living in australia. she tells me the mistake the chemist made was very serious and could have killed me. she says i should take it as high as possible but i'm not wired that way. 

yesterday after the tests i checked into the hospital for the procedure, it was hell but the nurses and anasthetist all recognise me from a previous visit, and as lay upon the hospital bed we chat about the history of anaesthetists and various progress through the ages but i'm mostly interested in ether which was used after chloroform, around the victorian era. it's effects are similar to alcohol and just as dangerous. it's an interesting science, after all no one really understands it because it's not really sleep more like a coma state. anyways I'm in the operating theatre and they deliver the anaesthetics through the blood and indicate it will either taste like rotting garbage of 1 in a million, bananas. i get the rotting garbage for a moment and then it changes to bananas.  it's quite extraordinary and when it hits it hits, i'm out. the first part of the procedure is to send a camera into my heart and check for clots, if they find one they will not be able to do the second part. fortunately there are no clots (despite the chemists mistakes) and they go on to deliver the shock.

when i come to i am back in the ward. it was a success. they want me to stay as there is no one at home to monitor my recovery so i end up overnight. in the morning i'm discharged and head homewards.

few days to chill out now, find my bearings as i seem a bit adrift after this one.

well the big news is in, from the front line, where i have a friend who is a PR expert and showed a great interest in my novel. she suggested i seriously think about a mini series and go through the steps of marketing it and pitching it which i considered. there is no doubt it would make an excellent series on netflix and due to it's topical nature may draw some attention. however my energy was pretty low, and there's an element of danger around it so i waited for a while hoping to discus this with people close to me, but they had all disappeared so i just sat with it. eventually my friend sent me a proposal, it was really good and in the spirit of factory records i just said, you can have 10% of whatever i get, all you have to do is get it on their desks and spark interest. now she is a glamorous blonde and very smart, plus she's very well connected so when reading her proposal it was obvious she had put effort into the issue and mapped out a pretty good plan of attack. i looked at her website for her business and it is excellent, her own writing is impressive as is her eccentric humour. so i wrote back, 'read the book again, if you believe in it and we can take it from there.'

a few weeks later she contacts me. she's spoken to some production companies and one specifically that deals in gritty crime dramas. they basically told her it's impossible to make anything like this in australia, it's a death sentence and i should do it overseas set in another country. you gotta laugh really.

anyways, the sequel is coming along nicely but i have come to a fork in the road. this conclusion to my duo-logy could stay very believable or go completely into a very conspiracy theory - like zone. i need a second opinion and some advice but there's no one around for me to ask who knows enough about the subject.

 it's been a long night and i was not sure i would wake up after eventually falling asleep, it took me ages and around 3pm i eventually drifted into a dreamless state, where at 5am i awoke feeling restless and irritable. the pain in my chest, my damaged heart was awful and for the last 24 hours had me functioning at 10% instead of the 50% i had become used to since my AF situation. anyways, i clambered out of bed and my attempt to actually make my bed left me somewhat breathless and exhausted. even the mechanical act of breathing hurt and felt different than usual. after a shower and some coffee i went down to terrible and watched the surf, the waves were wonderful and the water looked clean and inviting but under my circumstances far to risky to enter. i read for a while in the sun. 

supermax is a compilation of three novels featuring the two lead characters max and angie, written by two crime writers, ken breun and jason starr possibly the best modern noir crime novels ever and certainly the funniest. it's a real laugh out loud story and with the witty snappy dialogue you expect from tarranteno or scorsese. all the characters are very nasty, awful people and their situations go from bad to worse to worser as the story continues at a super fast pace and with various twists and turns and introductions to new characters and even more horrific personalities, yet funny as it gets.

a strange thing happened, which is i figured out the chemist had made a massive error in my medications, which possibly resulted in my AF not improving. they put the wrong dosage on the box, so i was getting 50% less dose than necessary.  i have to return to hospital in a couple of days as they will do some more procedures but they will have to keep there as there is no one at home to keep an eye on me, curses, i hate being in hospital but there's no choice. 

a week of hard work, one day left to go, before i can take some time out, it's been huge, so many dramas and events pass me by at work, really huge situations but nothing involving me and fortunately i end up looking very good but at the expense of about 5 other people. it's weird but the karma must have caught up with the idiots i have to work with, although my boss will undoubtably cover it up or find someone else to blame because this is australia in the year of our comrade 2026 where the useless rise to the top and get what they want while the innovators and hard workers driven by passion and intellect have to suffer the fools. ah, australia where did you go wrong, i think after hawke. that's when the rot set in. 

anyways what do i know, i just plod onwards hoping to pay my mortgage and bills on time, maybe the occasional book here and there and if i feel extravagant an ice cream every wednesday night after terrible beach drum circle. 

i was watching one of my fave people being interviewed by a moronic irishman who seemed to be reading from a list of questions, and unable to actually converse but johnny lydon was generously talking away and his honesty was incredible refreshing as was his bravery. he talks a lot about the mythology of mandela, which is very rare to hear due to the fact he is often promoted as a legend of humanity whereas the reality is pretty grim. he spoke about the bbc covering up for jimmy saville and what happened when he blew the lid. i love lydon, a really smart guy with working class roots, he's honest and funny, self depreciating yet well aware of his place in history as a 'sex pistol.'

as far as watching / listeneing goes, i do think this is very interesting.

https://youtu.be/3bWzPHMXLeY?si=xG-_zqD5YrQi0-Kr

 the sarvan by douglass hoover

a small group of prisoners in the first world war held in a barbaric work camp where they are treated with the cruelty and sadistic brutality by their german captors are given a chance to be transferred to a neutral camp in switzerland by the mysterious officer who appears to have documentation from the Kaiser himself. 

escorted by a handful of men the prisoners find themselves stranded in a small town isolated by mountains and ice in the alps,  where they must cohabitate and make use of themselves with the community. 

the community are mostly females and seem to hold strange ceremonies and rituals based upon the ancient cult of mithras. 

this is the novel stephen king aspires to write, he is good at short stories but his novels are predictable and far to long winded. douglass on the other hand is detailed without being boring, his characters are very interesting with many dimensions to them, and the story is a page turner as we want to see what happens next as well as comprehend what exactly is going on. 

i really enjoyed this one, took me back into binge reading, where i could not put the book down. this belongs in any bestseller list despite it not being one, it really is fantastic, and would make a great film.

there's a supernatural element to it but it's not overwhelming or dominating, it's always there waiting to make it's appearance but the story is about characters and their survival against the more mortal enemy of war and how to survive it.

okay well now it's time for a good crime novel next, something pulpy and with snappy noir dialogue from interesting characters we hate at first but kinda want them to have a happy ending, yeah, that kinda trip.

last sunday i took a serious blow to the head, it sent me reeling into that high level pain area along with loss of awareness, disorientation and some kinda weird liquid escaping from the top of my head that was not blood but some transparent fluid. it was outrageously painful, my crown swelled up and the only thing that seemed to ease the pain was a packet of frozen vegetables. several times i thought i should go to hospital but i had work, i can't afford not to work and my positive thinking made a valiant effort to overcome but the pain has not gone and i fear it may be bleeding on the brain or severe bruising so i have to take myself to hospital again. just before i leave i attempt to refill my rosette box of medication for the week and realise the chemist has given me the wrong meds, so this needs to be fixed which takes a day and a half. so today after finally sorting out the mistake i am about to go to hospital and have my brain looked at. head injuries seem to be my thing, i've had a severe brain injury to the frontal lobe which changed my life completely once, a prerequisite to ayahuscia it appears but now this is on my crown so we will see what happens. i just hope i live a little longer as I'm writing again and really feel good about that. 

so the bizarre thing is when i drive myself to the hospital there is nowhere to park, i drive around for an hour, and there is nothing. no space anywhere. so it's back home for me, back home and hope i wake up in in the morning.

a strange powerful energy, almost a force has besieged me, my body over run with it's directive as i sit up at 3am for a few hours writing a free flowing, almost channelled follow up to my novel the antidote. it's been this way for about two weeks and my time is literally consumed with writing. the strangeness is there's little conscious thought in the story, it's just ambling along, i don't even know where it will end, but there have been several points it could have so far, i guess the process will inform me. it's great to be writing like this again,  everyday when getting up old captain mission counts his blessings, just got another day to write, that's a win, for i feel the story must be told. that's my mission at the moment which is weird as i am supposed to be a science fiction writer. anyways it's a case of i write therefore i am.

this time we jump about 30 years in to the future and the main character is obviously older and now a well oiled part of a strange agency tasked with assassination. he's experienced now, a different animal from the one in the first book, again i've jumped from first to last.  this one is set in the uk, and based around the grooming (rape) gangs saga. it's very tricky because the obvious criticism is waiting to pounce upon me but it's just a factual background and very contemporay setting. anyways, it's almost finished in draft form and needs tiding up, editing and a few insertions and details. the bit i'm actually not skilled in. 

war interrupts the world, everyone is panicking, terror on the streets of sydney, the airways filled with opinion, somebody sees the future another sees the past, one man living in the present says nothings going to last. you can't keep the peace forever, you can't go to fight with flowers, inaction saved nothing but zen, and action plans all fail, you can't hear the screams of the wounded over the wailing sirens hail. trapped in some luxury resort, it's a middle east heaven or hell, enemies of the people change sides like it really matters, until cameras point their way, and the imans and the preachers encourage more carnage, the religion of peace and calmness, all win the hearts and minds, in a suicidal empathy delusion, losers on all sides. the western way is war fare or law fare, all's fair in the fun fair. 

currently reading howard jacobsons new book which is absolutely brilliant, possibly his best as i didn't find many of his other works quite as funny as this, and sad as well as it reflects the position of most of us very well. it's hilarious in parts and very visual but the underline tone is despair as we are all sucked into the madness that anti semitism always brings to the societies that tolerate it.  

apparently 64 years on earth in this body means i have lived quite a bit, it's true i crammed a lot in there but i'm also tired and burnt out from all those crazy things, and need some time to just breath slow, smell the flowers and enjoy a wave or two. the colours today were wet and grey as i drove down the freeway i treated myself to a chocolate custard pudding which i ate on the run. the heart is pumping onwards, still outta whack, and my face feels like an old sea faring pirate stuck in a caribbean storm,  a long way from land, looking for an island to hold up on, while the english navel vessels are in hot pursuit, captained by sadistic members of his majesty's royal navy. i tell you my pursuers have the smell of empire about them, a rotten one at that. 

this morning i hear my ex wife debbie died. she had an aggressive cancer and passed away in sleep. our son was with her and as i spoke with him we both agreed, it was better she was no longer suffering and in pain. it's somewhat sad in ways that are complex, i'm sorry i never got to resolve issues that she had incorrectly believed about me, and i am sorry she went to her death still clinging to a fabrication but in other ways it is nothing to do with me, time put me on a different path and we are separated not just by the view of death but also ideas on life. she was when i was with her good, a good wife, a good mother. and for that i am grateful. post marriage, her hatred of me clouded everything she ever did or said so since those days i really had little to do with her. 

she's gone. i remain. 

i don't know how long i have. these days when i wake up i'm surprised and joyous, another day, more time. money can't buy it. love can't buy it, it's value is beyond currency. it's a gift. which probably explains why i am always surprised. vale debbie.

 

vale dan simmons, one of the great science fiction writers of our time. i read hyperion many moons ago and it was a life changing book. i had just arrived in avalon and devoured it in a few sessions. the story of a pilgrimage based upon chuacers tales, each pilgrim telling their story. it was incredible, each in a different style and with amazing situations, the book was brilliant and characters sympathetic and wonderfully rich. 

they were on their way to the time tombs where the mysterious shrike await. each with a request. i remember not wanting to do anything else until i had burned through from cover to cover and then in quick succession the sequels were published completing the story arc, and it just got better and better. perfect science fiction story. dan became to me what stephen king is to most other readers.

i read all his works, he skipped to other genres, horror was one with his debut novel 'song of kali' which is haunting and disturbing. then there were the supernatural ones, and the brilliant vampire novel, 'children of the night' set in the romanian orphanage at the end of the communist rule. there were others as well, he wrote a lot of good books 'black hills' is the name of the indian shaman whom believes he hosts the sprit of general custer as he works upon the mount rushmore 60 years later with an idea to blow it to pieces. meanwhile the spirit of custer yearns for his beloved wife having awoken in a cold lonely dark place.

simmons also wrote the amazing book, 'the terror' which was also a great adaptation for a mini series. it tells the tale of the franklin expedition to the artic and throws in some mythology as the survivors trapped in a frozen wasteland are forced into cannibalism, madness and all while a mysterious beast stalks them. 

but my personal fave was the book everyone hated, 'flashpoint' a seriously brilliant novel depicting a near future. man that book was brilliant and possible. it was a prophecy.

vale dan simmons, and thanks for the wonderful stories.

finally after a week of disturbed sleep i manage to sleep 8 hours and wake up at a reasonable hour feeling good. it's been very challenging with the old heart beat this week and the sooner i get into hospital for the electric shock the better. almost everything i do at the moment exhausts me, but i somehow still manage to do it. 

my friend paul takes me to see his new house and it's really beautiful, big sprawling house with two fire places and a remarkably large open plan kitchen, six bedrooms with en suites and a massive amount of lounge space. outside there's a massive farm with a cow, and a manicured garden with an open plan shed with a massive pizza oven and entertainment area. there's even a huge pool and a garage where three cars could fit easy. it's in a lovely part of the country side, and 20 mins drive from the beach.

on the way back home i stop in at the market and get some jalopenos's, bread and blue cheese. i pick up a bottle of cherry juice and an avocado from harris farms. the sun is out now, hot and heavy with it's humidity, and tonight is the full moon. it will rise over the ocean and we will be saluting it at out drum ceremony as it appears. hail le sol, bringer of light and life.

its strange after getting the antidote out there i unexpectedly began its sequel, it just started happening and i couldn't stop the flow. whereas the antidote is the alpha, its predecessor is the omega, the conclusion of the story. it will tie up a lot of loose ends, finish what was started 30 years ago. i'm a third of the way through, although i have no idea where it is going or how long it will be, a third just feels right. it's set in the uk and probably needs a lot more research and fine tuning, fortunately i have a couple of friends, tez and jean who live there and can actually assist me with some background info if required. but i can do that when i complete the skeleton. anyways, it is really nice to have that energy back, my muse whatever it is is flowing strong and i'm grateful for it.

the heart specialist said i need the electric shock, he changed my medication and seemed to think all was going to be fine. good news i guess. i'm still in AF, it slows me down but i guess as long as i am breathing i'm winning. 

i checked the surf out this morning and it looked beautiful, splendid colour and calmness, slight wave but time was running out for me this morning as i had a few things to do. 

back home i'm enjoying  podcast called 'heretics' where the host andrew gold is chatting to a jay anderson a younger version of graham hancock, it's very good and convincing.

https://youtu.be/L3oZiZOexA0?si=HMxf_4zCuLEQg5nM