an uncertainty principle followed me home, it's enveloped me, not sure what to do but i know the surf will help, drove down to terrible beach but it looked and felt wrong so i grabbed a coffee and returned home crashed out for a few hours. outside the rain fell, my fern had sprouted two new fronds, they were blowing wildly in the wind. i was certain i had murdered that tree but it appears to have regenerated itself. the garden looks green, a bit wild, every time i look at it i see more work.
on the radio they have been talking a lot about snakes, i heard an interview with a central coast snake catcher whom said he catches about 50 a month. in the local paper they have a few warnings about snakes, and some photos of people whom have had encounters.
i'm not so scared of snakes, i seen a few but they just slithered away. they can move fast and one even moved sideways in a strange motion that i found mesmerizing. i contemplate having a pet python, my place would suit it well but i figure i'd have to feed it live animals which i would find very difficult although it could feast on all the wild critters that hang out outside. in one part of my mind i have this vision of a snake hanging down from the ceiling fan but the idea is rejected quickly by my much smaller rational brain.
i am about to start reading the final book of the 'left hand of god' trilogy, it's called, 'the beating of his wings.'
i thought i should read the first and second book again for continuity, i recall most of the story but there's a sub plot i completely forget and these novels won't take long to read but when i start looking for them i can't see them at all. i stumble around the piles of books scanning like an library android, there are so many books in here but i have a system. it's chaos to the observer but for me it works, only it didn't. three scans later and i still can't find the first and second novels. it's highly likely they may have been given away in my big cull, i was very ruthless which was really difficult for me, i get attached to books but that cull was executed with such savagery i'm still in denial.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Saturday, April 12, 2014
i had this overwhelming desire to feel sunlight upon my face so i shaved off my beard and now i look like a fat faced pea head, and to cap it all it's rained non stop. however this did not stop me venturing out towards the city to catch everyones favourite rock legend the cosmic space rocker steve kilbey and his counterpoint the very wise and talented mr mark gable whom i have to say an unlikely pairing when you consider their musical influences, yet mark has an appreciation of steve's music that i can relate to as well, it's as though he to was caught in the spell of those songs.
well i arrived in nude town very early as i was to meet my church friend wilde childe but she was running late so i pottered around the bookshops and almost picked up a big volume of hunter s thompson's three late collections but realised i had read two off them. i was kind of frayed and exhausted, the week had been impossibly draining, it was a miracle i had made it, my bones ached with tiredness and my mind was scattered, i needed a good lie down and a cup of tea but i didn't want to miss the last of these shows, 'a stumble through australian music.'
i liked the songs they had chosen to play, great songs from australian musicians that i was vaguely familiar with yet their interpretations gave them new life, an energy that soared and was proud and graceful, you could really get a sense of what australian music was like at the time, something lacking in my appreciation. i only knew the church as australian, that was it, i discovered australian music when i got here in 1988, the rest of my education was based in london and new york.
australia had a scene, it had this great culture of songs and as steve and mark played them images and feelings of exciting possibilities flew up in my mental landscape.
i met with wilde childe who was as frazzled as i, she bussed it, stuck in traffic, her week equally frustrating as mine.
we had a quick pick me up coffee hit and went inside. i wanted to catch groom epoch who we had renamed groovy ewok, they were richard ploogs new band and i had liked what i had heard online, live they were great, they hit a groove after a few songs and suddenly doors opened, yeah i like that sound a lot, it was space rock with a groove. can't wait to get the cd, i can picture myself driving along the highway listening to them blasting out my speakers.
richard remained on stage as he drums with steve and mark and i have to say he makes those songs come alive. marks guitar was amazing, it filled the room, felt like there were two guitar players on stage, i dunno how he does that, it's very effective, even dutch pierre was impressed with that awesome sound.
when they launched into the first song (i don't know what it's called) and those 'tra la la la le's' hit, man that's when you just knew it was going to be a special night. absolutely brilliant, in a class of their own these guys made those songs come alive.
something like 'stumbling through australian music' should be on the abc as a special, steve and mark are so incongruous yet they work so well, they say it's due to their heights, but i think it's probably down to some other ingredient, whatever it is, it works and the crowd loved it. very funny night, part rock, part vaudeville, part cabaret, part comedy, part education.
it would be a great show abc people, get on it and make it happen!
had to split early due to train issues and ended up arriving home at 3am. on the train i noticed someone had left a book, a large hardback edition of the gita on the seat opposite me. that book always pops up in my life. i was book-less so i started into it, it's the hare krishna version, the one i grew up with in hertfordshire where my parents moved to, just down the road from the big temple george harrison built. every sunday i'd wander over and have lunch with the krishnas, they were intrigued by my background and i was into their excellent free lunches, i also liked the fact they were always happy, free from all of the bullshit, just singing and playing tambourines, eating karmic free food, doing some chanting plus they had sexy girls.
i spent years going there every sunday afternoon.
when i was learning to drive my instructor (who was also my dealer) told me he was joining the krishna movement and i was deeply upset as i looked forward to my driving lessons which were really an excuse for a smoke. he disappeared and i think ended up in the usa or jail, he was involved in some murky business but i liked to think about him dancing through some chicago airport terminal.
when jake was about four i took him to the temple in north sydney although the experience was very different, it had a more corporate style by then, i think there had been some sort of big change in the whole movement but whatever it was it didn't feel right for me.
my early years in sydney i'd always go to govindas, the cinema and restaurant in kings cross, what an absolute perfect place that was. one of my favourite spots in the city, long gone. i'd always have this amazing meal then go watch a movie and fall asleep almost immediately after laying down on those big cushions. great place for a date, one could slip into a soft intimacy without really having to try. i loved it.
holding onto the book i watched the night pass me by as morning arrived my thoughts taking strange detours memories merged with landscape.
a group of kids embark at hornsby and they start singing an 'ah ha' song, it makes me smile, i hate that single but i love almost everything else they did, that huge elemental sound, landscapes and memories.
religions and beliefs, so many, some good some bad, some set you free while others try to control, some work for you some don't, some gods are reasonable, others aren't but at the end of the day it's the same one, just different faces, the point is, find your path, stick to it, for it is the journey that is the destination, not the destination.
some of the people you meet on the way are just yourself.
i cast my mind to my work, always with humans, it's always been one devalued group after another, homeless disenfranchised, beaten and battered, offender and offended, innocents and guilty, the helpless and the hopeless and in the end i remain convinced all you can really do is make it safe for them to do what they have to do, which is cry, wail and howl. we all break. i don't judge, i can't even advise, i can just hold their hand and say softly, it's okay, you are safe, with me, i'm just like you.
i remember jason, a young kid i worked with who had committed a terrible crime, an act so depraved i can't even write it, but he came at me once with a knife running towards me in a blur of frustration, anger and rage. the guy didn't stand a chance, he was a kid from terrible family conditions but he liked me, or at least had moments where he did. something had sent him into a furious rage and there he was racing at me with a blade. partly out of surprise but completely involuntary i smiled and opened up myself, in a death pose and just offered myself to him with a stupid grim. (it was not bravery or even a considered strategy, it was just automatic) and i watched his face, a map of all the pains and hate in his short existence and that knife stopped a fraction of a cm from my chest, he let it go and broke down sobbing at my feet. what are you going to say, 'naughty jason, shouldn't play with knifes?'
they wanted me to charge him but i refused, instead i just held his hand until he stopped crying and told him it's okay, he's okay and, i lied, everything would be okay. i didn't know that everything would be okay, i'm not clairvoyant but it seemed like a natural thing to say.
anyway the point is, i been there to, i been angry, hurt, wanted to lash out and sometimes lashed much to my shame. there's no difference between wanting to lash and lashing really, the intention becomes some energy on some level. a bad thought can do a lot of damage.
anyway's my point i think i'm trying to articulate is there's no separation really, you me and the devil, we all just doing our best with what we got. i count my blessings, one two, if i wake up breathing i'm winning. anything else it has to be a blessing.
so 3am i arrive home, gotta go to work soon, i sprawl out on the sofa. its been a long, long night and i'm already in tomorrow.
and then, as i fall into some tranquil zone i remember a story i read a long long time ago, about a hero who fights a war and realises after he's killed everyone he was fighting for the wrong side. maybe that's me. how are we really to know anything about what's right?
my brain must have shut down automatically at this point, like a zen koan the gears come to a screeching halt!
well i arrived in nude town very early as i was to meet my church friend wilde childe but she was running late so i pottered around the bookshops and almost picked up a big volume of hunter s thompson's three late collections but realised i had read two off them. i was kind of frayed and exhausted, the week had been impossibly draining, it was a miracle i had made it, my bones ached with tiredness and my mind was scattered, i needed a good lie down and a cup of tea but i didn't want to miss the last of these shows, 'a stumble through australian music.'
i liked the songs they had chosen to play, great songs from australian musicians that i was vaguely familiar with yet their interpretations gave them new life, an energy that soared and was proud and graceful, you could really get a sense of what australian music was like at the time, something lacking in my appreciation. i only knew the church as australian, that was it, i discovered australian music when i got here in 1988, the rest of my education was based in london and new york.
australia had a scene, it had this great culture of songs and as steve and mark played them images and feelings of exciting possibilities flew up in my mental landscape.
i met with wilde childe who was as frazzled as i, she bussed it, stuck in traffic, her week equally frustrating as mine.
we had a quick pick me up coffee hit and went inside. i wanted to catch groom epoch who we had renamed groovy ewok, they were richard ploogs new band and i had liked what i had heard online, live they were great, they hit a groove after a few songs and suddenly doors opened, yeah i like that sound a lot, it was space rock with a groove. can't wait to get the cd, i can picture myself driving along the highway listening to them blasting out my speakers.
richard remained on stage as he drums with steve and mark and i have to say he makes those songs come alive. marks guitar was amazing, it filled the room, felt like there were two guitar players on stage, i dunno how he does that, it's very effective, even dutch pierre was impressed with that awesome sound.
when they launched into the first song (i don't know what it's called) and those 'tra la la la le's' hit, man that's when you just knew it was going to be a special night. absolutely brilliant, in a class of their own these guys made those songs come alive.
something like 'stumbling through australian music' should be on the abc as a special, steve and mark are so incongruous yet they work so well, they say it's due to their heights, but i think it's probably down to some other ingredient, whatever it is, it works and the crowd loved it. very funny night, part rock, part vaudeville, part cabaret, part comedy, part education.
it would be a great show abc people, get on it and make it happen!
had to split early due to train issues and ended up arriving home at 3am. on the train i noticed someone had left a book, a large hardback edition of the gita on the seat opposite me. that book always pops up in my life. i was book-less so i started into it, it's the hare krishna version, the one i grew up with in hertfordshire where my parents moved to, just down the road from the big temple george harrison built. every sunday i'd wander over and have lunch with the krishnas, they were intrigued by my background and i was into their excellent free lunches, i also liked the fact they were always happy, free from all of the bullshit, just singing and playing tambourines, eating karmic free food, doing some chanting plus they had sexy girls.
i spent years going there every sunday afternoon.
when i was learning to drive my instructor (who was also my dealer) told me he was joining the krishna movement and i was deeply upset as i looked forward to my driving lessons which were really an excuse for a smoke. he disappeared and i think ended up in the usa or jail, he was involved in some murky business but i liked to think about him dancing through some chicago airport terminal.
when jake was about four i took him to the temple in north sydney although the experience was very different, it had a more corporate style by then, i think there had been some sort of big change in the whole movement but whatever it was it didn't feel right for me.
my early years in sydney i'd always go to govindas, the cinema and restaurant in kings cross, what an absolute perfect place that was. one of my favourite spots in the city, long gone. i'd always have this amazing meal then go watch a movie and fall asleep almost immediately after laying down on those big cushions. great place for a date, one could slip into a soft intimacy without really having to try. i loved it.
holding onto the book i watched the night pass me by as morning arrived my thoughts taking strange detours memories merged with landscape.
a group of kids embark at hornsby and they start singing an 'ah ha' song, it makes me smile, i hate that single but i love almost everything else they did, that huge elemental sound, landscapes and memories.
religions and beliefs, so many, some good some bad, some set you free while others try to control, some work for you some don't, some gods are reasonable, others aren't but at the end of the day it's the same one, just different faces, the point is, find your path, stick to it, for it is the journey that is the destination, not the destination.
some of the people you meet on the way are just yourself.
i cast my mind to my work, always with humans, it's always been one devalued group after another, homeless disenfranchised, beaten and battered, offender and offended, innocents and guilty, the helpless and the hopeless and in the end i remain convinced all you can really do is make it safe for them to do what they have to do, which is cry, wail and howl. we all break. i don't judge, i can't even advise, i can just hold their hand and say softly, it's okay, you are safe, with me, i'm just like you.
i remember jason, a young kid i worked with who had committed a terrible crime, an act so depraved i can't even write it, but he came at me once with a knife running towards me in a blur of frustration, anger and rage. the guy didn't stand a chance, he was a kid from terrible family conditions but he liked me, or at least had moments where he did. something had sent him into a furious rage and there he was racing at me with a blade. partly out of surprise but completely involuntary i smiled and opened up myself, in a death pose and just offered myself to him with a stupid grim. (it was not bravery or even a considered strategy, it was just automatic) and i watched his face, a map of all the pains and hate in his short existence and that knife stopped a fraction of a cm from my chest, he let it go and broke down sobbing at my feet. what are you going to say, 'naughty jason, shouldn't play with knifes?'
they wanted me to charge him but i refused, instead i just held his hand until he stopped crying and told him it's okay, he's okay and, i lied, everything would be okay. i didn't know that everything would be okay, i'm not clairvoyant but it seemed like a natural thing to say.
anyway the point is, i been there to, i been angry, hurt, wanted to lash out and sometimes lashed much to my shame. there's no difference between wanting to lash and lashing really, the intention becomes some energy on some level. a bad thought can do a lot of damage.
anyway's my point i think i'm trying to articulate is there's no separation really, you me and the devil, we all just doing our best with what we got. i count my blessings, one two, if i wake up breathing i'm winning. anything else it has to be a blessing.
so 3am i arrive home, gotta go to work soon, i sprawl out on the sofa. its been a long, long night and i'm already in tomorrow.
and then, as i fall into some tranquil zone i remember a story i read a long long time ago, about a hero who fights a war and realises after he's killed everyone he was fighting for the wrong side. maybe that's me. how are we really to know anything about what's right?
my brain must have shut down automatically at this point, like a zen koan the gears come to a screeching halt!
Thursday, April 10, 2014
krishna krishna, how i love your colour, radiating purity and clarity, like a foxy lady of the night giving it away for free, sit be still, come talk with me.
not holy, unsaid or worthy words, not unforgivable memetic schemes, not of the brain or mind and all its myriad schemes, no map to chart territory, or heartfelt emotional plea, here lies ambidextrous logics twin, the ghostly cloak of intuition.
halfway through don webbs, 'destroying old gods' i had to skip the first half written by some weird satanist whom i couldn't understand, the book is really an interpretation of old crowelys book of the law, a completely strangely inaccessible book as far as i am concerned. he should have written it in plain english but his woman was channelling some alien and i guess in the olde days all that mumbo jumbo must have sounded sweet.
however when don webb starts explaining it, things start to fall into place, i like his understanding of it.
i like the definitions of white and black magick, much more sensible than the old moral ones. webb says, white magick is union with the universe, merging and harmonising the magickians will with the universes, which i guess is mysticism. black magick is separating, the magickian is the universe and by transforming their will they effect change on the external universe.
to me both are identical. okay i'm not an expert but i have studied and practiced these ideas and intuitively know that in order to be true i must put them to the test and repeat the experiment so that results are consistent. that's the scientific method. one cannot replicate the experiments exactly the same as states of mind play a large part in the process of getting desired results but i believe the magickian has to surrender to the universe in order to change it, it's not about will it's about respect. this can be seen and observed in shamanic plant medicine. unless you respect the plant spirit, the plant spirit cannot be effective in assisting you. a bit like prayer, it's not a demand.
the practice of praying is a process, it takes a while to dissolve the ego state to a point it no longer exists, by this point it no longer seeks a wish fulfilment. however the universe being intelligent, and open to receive and intervene may do this if the conditions are right. the will gets in the way, which is why chaos magickians know not to expect a result. the expectation is the problem, it sabotages a result by it's very nature, which is why training is required.
mental training takes years, and it starts with the premise, 'try not to think of an elephant!'
mental training takes years, and it starts with the premise, 'try not to think of an elephant!'
those satanist cats are just frightened that there may be intelligences within the universe that are more powerful influential smarter and wiser than them. while i admire their pursuit of an alternative creative energy, i can't begin to understand why they fear ego loss, ultimately they have to die like every other life form, so why not deal with it now.
i do like their gothic fashions though, black and silver work for me.
Wednesday, April 09, 2014
it's okay don't panic, i am used to people hating me, as soon as they find out my background the gates are open and it floods out. i'm a veteran. girls who have loved me so utterly and completely suddenly find me repulsive and leave, friends i have known for years suddenly abandon me, ha, even my best friend dr. crack found it paradoxical, he couldn't get over it but he stuck with me till the end cos he loved me.
i'm okay with it, it's not my place to defend a whole civilisation, i'm not after anything from people, if you wanna loathe me, go ahead, i'm available, project it all, for what is hate?
i forgive everything, ha! i forget everything, jesus and buddha teach loving your enemy and non attachment. i'm not attached to history, to ideas, ideological memes, religious or political, all of them serve no purpose for me. but they do for you. i love my enemy, i thank them for assisting me on my path, for representing my shadow.
i understand it's something deep at work, some energy needing to express itself. let it out, its better to release it than repress it although i won't go quietly into a gas oven so expect some resistance if it comes down to that.
life is short. i want to love right, i don't want to fall under a shadow of fear, it's to vampyric for me.
everything will come out in the wash, the lambs and the wolves and the wolves dressed in lambskins, from where i am its best to love them all.
i'm okay with it, it's not my place to defend a whole civilisation, i'm not after anything from people, if you wanna loathe me, go ahead, i'm available, project it all, for what is hate?
i forgive everything, ha! i forget everything, jesus and buddha teach loving your enemy and non attachment. i'm not attached to history, to ideas, ideological memes, religious or political, all of them serve no purpose for me. but they do for you. i love my enemy, i thank them for assisting me on my path, for representing my shadow.
i understand it's something deep at work, some energy needing to express itself. let it out, its better to release it than repress it although i won't go quietly into a gas oven so expect some resistance if it comes down to that.
life is short. i want to love right, i don't want to fall under a shadow of fear, it's to vampyric for me.
everything will come out in the wash, the lambs and the wolves and the wolves dressed in lambskins, from where i am its best to love them all.
Thursday, April 03, 2014
Sunday, March 30, 2014
i'm driving home, into the sun
a dog waits for me on the driveway
i feed him, offer him a few munchies and then i roll myself a joint. jake rings, we have a chat. he's a capricorn, super practical and offers such good advice, whereas i'm completely living in the shadow of neptune.
the night falls fast, black clouds break open and a sudden lightening storm passes overhead. i feel that fear, i was hit by lightening once, still freaks me.
i turn on the tv, watch a show about the amazon, a massive blast of lightening strikes and then thunderous cracks, and trembles in the atmosphere. i turn off the amazon and light candles, everything in the room is still but outside the weather is wild.
hard rain falls.
it's so early, 5am as i drive along the sleepy central coast, roads wet and gleaming in the street lighting, a few sporadic cars mostly utes pass along my cruise towards the highway. i'm somewhat bleary eyed, this is an unnaturally early time to be awake and i have to kick start my brain with a coffee.
on the highway i start firing up, i can feel sleep leaving me as my body boots up, starts initializing all it's software.
the high way becomes a point of focus, hypnotising me into some sort of strange hyper alertness.
it's relaxing to, not much traffic, not many distractions, my mind still relatively empty will throw up the occasional residual thought but the holes in my minds net are to large, they just float through, never staying long enough for analysis or reflection.
suddenly i hit the fog, it's very thick, so thick even the tail lights from the car in front becomes obscured. i follow the flow of the road markings amazed by the density of this fog, it's almost impossible to see anything outside, i'm surrounded by it, and then just as suddenly as it appeared it ends. somewhere past brooklyn the first rays of sunlight begin to pierce darkness.
i have a strange day ahead of me, it's not going to be easy, i attempt to direct my thoughts into a zone free of anxiety, detachment, i eat some light, embrace the calmness of zen driving, allow my breathing to control my fear.
i miss my morning surfs, rain has made it impossible over the last week and i feel blocked and frustrated. i pray for surf tomorrow, evoke magnificent waves, sunshine, blue skies, as i pull off the highway, i begin to embrace the dawn and all it brings.
on the highway i start firing up, i can feel sleep leaving me as my body boots up, starts initializing all it's software.
the high way becomes a point of focus, hypnotising me into some sort of strange hyper alertness.
it's relaxing to, not much traffic, not many distractions, my mind still relatively empty will throw up the occasional residual thought but the holes in my minds net are to large, they just float through, never staying long enough for analysis or reflection.
suddenly i hit the fog, it's very thick, so thick even the tail lights from the car in front becomes obscured. i follow the flow of the road markings amazed by the density of this fog, it's almost impossible to see anything outside, i'm surrounded by it, and then just as suddenly as it appeared it ends. somewhere past brooklyn the first rays of sunlight begin to pierce darkness.
i have a strange day ahead of me, it's not going to be easy, i attempt to direct my thoughts into a zone free of anxiety, detachment, i eat some light, embrace the calmness of zen driving, allow my breathing to control my fear.
i miss my morning surfs, rain has made it impossible over the last week and i feel blocked and frustrated. i pray for surf tomorrow, evoke magnificent waves, sunshine, blue skies, as i pull off the highway, i begin to embrace the dawn and all it brings.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
the machine elf blended in perfectly with the indistinctive background, it's dimensions were strangely contradictory, slightly two dimensional yet there was a depth there, you could just make it out given the depth of field was distorted by the almost camouflage like uniformity of colour and pattern, i just felt as though my sensory system was not quite adjusted to it, everything seemed projected upon a screen, yet the machine elf stood in the foreground now, beckoning me closer. his eyes were impenetrable, a far cry from human, there was no hint of danger but neither did i recognise kindness.
i considered lilly's laws,
1. examine whatever one can of where the new spaces are, what the basic beliefs are to go there.
2. take on the basic beliefs of that new area as if true.
3. go into the area fully aware, in high energy, storing everything, no matter how neutral, how ecstatic, or how painful the experiences become.
4. come back here, to our best of consensus realities, temporarily shedding those basic beliefs of the new area and taking on those of the investigator impartially dispassionately objectively examining the recorded experiences and data.
5. test one’s current models of this consensus reality.
6. construct a model that includes this reality and this new one in a more inclusive succinct way. no matter how painful such revisions of the models are be sure they include both realities.
7. do not worship, revere, or be afraid of any person, group, space, or reality. an investigator, an explorer, has no room for such baggage.
as he came closer i could see he held something in his hands, it looked like a piece of technology, but it could have been a magick wand or an ornate teaspoon for all i knew. he started speaking but the voice was distorted, i couldn't understand anything, even his body language was peculiar, sounds came from a mouth. clicks, similar to dolphin but obviously xenolinguistic in nature.
the shimmering skin gleamed like some sort of deep ocean fish plucked from its element into the air. shimmering and glistening like a fragment of mirror crushed into a small orb sending reflected light in every direction.
he came closer, long clicking sounds, holding the strange device in his hand. he carefully made some adjustment to it, and it started to rotate, strange flesh metal hands came very close to my chest, a fierce heat or cold upon my skin. mr. freeze was creating a hole in my body, my flesh seemed to be manipulated by his hands and he placed the strange tube inside me and then closed up the wound with his hand. there was no pain, just the tickling sensation, and then a cold piercing numbness.
the machine elf kept trying to communicate with me but the sounds grew faint, the spiral came back as the elf dimension retreated and mr freeze into it.
back in real time i find myself slumped in my chair, at my desk. the screensaver comes on, the harsh lighting from fluorescent tubes penetrate my head, the exaggerated noise of an office, whispers from down the corridor, the smell of ms novas perfume, the strange musky atmosphere, slightly damp and fungal, a battered old air conditioning system regurgitating stale air, the deep penetration of a nail file, a stapler in slow motion, high pitched laughter, i looked out the window, stared into rain, the trees, the dark skies.
mr. freeze had put something inside me. i needed answers.
i had accessed some sort of dimensional portal into another reality but all things considered these machine elves could have chosen me. hundreds of people report sightings of mr freeze but no one ever speaks of an abduction and implantation of alien technology. maybe they were to embarrassed. i did a google search.
there were some references to dmt and the machine elves, a scientific investigation by dr. strassman back in the 1990's, some recreational users. i returned to the strassman experiment. his subjects were given large doses and under controlled conditions, strassman was a scientist, somewhat skeptical. some of the test subjects that took high doses actually met with the elves, some were experimented upon, given gift implants. they reported that the machine elves were benevolent, they were excited and happy to see humans and greeted them with gifts.
the subjects all came out of their altered states feeling good, positive vibrations.
there were other reports about how the dmt machine elves control mankind and are dangerous aliens, not to be trusted. i didn't buy that line, the net was filled with these conspiracy ideas, it was becoming increasingly difficult to know what the hell was real and what was fiction.
i shut down the computer and quit work early, heading back to the zoom witches.
the drive took an hour and a half, rain fell heavily and by the time i arrived the sun had set and it was now as miserable as hell. water had penetrated my boots, and my big black overcoat was saturated and weighing me down. i climbed up to the basement and let myself in.
the girls were in a huge bathtub, being attended to by several eunuchs. they were all relaxing with cucumber slices over their eyes the smell of weed hanging heavily in the air.
'captain mission, welcome back,' one of them said.
'mr. freeze, what is he exactly?'
'the girls emerged, their faces surfacing and carefully the cucumber slices were removed by the attendants.
'you saw mr. freeze?'
'yes, but who...what is he?'
'he is a machine elf.' one of the girls said.
'he's actually an alien being from another dimension,' another girl said.
'he's actually an angel we call hashmal?'
'what, which is he?'
'depends in what context you saw him.'
'he put something inside of me, some sort of device. what is it?'
the girls were putting on their robes, servants dried their hair with long white towels.
'mr freeze gives humans gifts, you are lucky.'
'lucky, what the hell was it, why do i have this?
'you were chosen.'
'for what?'
they all share a smile.
'i don't want to be chosen, it feels more like a curse.'
the girls laugh and i make to leave somewhat humiliated by my ignorance. the alien object inside me seems to throb, i can feel it inside my chest.
i considered lilly's laws,
1. examine whatever one can of where the new spaces are, what the basic beliefs are to go there.
2. take on the basic beliefs of that new area as if true.
3. go into the area fully aware, in high energy, storing everything, no matter how neutral, how ecstatic, or how painful the experiences become.
4. come back here, to our best of consensus realities, temporarily shedding those basic beliefs of the new area and taking on those of the investigator impartially dispassionately objectively examining the recorded experiences and data.
5. test one’s current models of this consensus reality.
6. construct a model that includes this reality and this new one in a more inclusive succinct way. no matter how painful such revisions of the models are be sure they include both realities.
7. do not worship, revere, or be afraid of any person, group, space, or reality. an investigator, an explorer, has no room for such baggage.
as he came closer i could see he held something in his hands, it looked like a piece of technology, but it could have been a magick wand or an ornate teaspoon for all i knew. he started speaking but the voice was distorted, i couldn't understand anything, even his body language was peculiar, sounds came from a mouth. clicks, similar to dolphin but obviously xenolinguistic in nature.
the shimmering skin gleamed like some sort of deep ocean fish plucked from its element into the air. shimmering and glistening like a fragment of mirror crushed into a small orb sending reflected light in every direction.
he came closer, long clicking sounds, holding the strange device in his hand. he carefully made some adjustment to it, and it started to rotate, strange flesh metal hands came very close to my chest, a fierce heat or cold upon my skin. mr. freeze was creating a hole in my body, my flesh seemed to be manipulated by his hands and he placed the strange tube inside me and then closed up the wound with his hand. there was no pain, just the tickling sensation, and then a cold piercing numbness.
the machine elf kept trying to communicate with me but the sounds grew faint, the spiral came back as the elf dimension retreated and mr freeze into it.
back in real time i find myself slumped in my chair, at my desk. the screensaver comes on, the harsh lighting from fluorescent tubes penetrate my head, the exaggerated noise of an office, whispers from down the corridor, the smell of ms novas perfume, the strange musky atmosphere, slightly damp and fungal, a battered old air conditioning system regurgitating stale air, the deep penetration of a nail file, a stapler in slow motion, high pitched laughter, i looked out the window, stared into rain, the trees, the dark skies.
mr. freeze had put something inside me. i needed answers.
i had accessed some sort of dimensional portal into another reality but all things considered these machine elves could have chosen me. hundreds of people report sightings of mr freeze but no one ever speaks of an abduction and implantation of alien technology. maybe they were to embarrassed. i did a google search.
there were some references to dmt and the machine elves, a scientific investigation by dr. strassman back in the 1990's, some recreational users. i returned to the strassman experiment. his subjects were given large doses and under controlled conditions, strassman was a scientist, somewhat skeptical. some of the test subjects that took high doses actually met with the elves, some were experimented upon, given gift implants. they reported that the machine elves were benevolent, they were excited and happy to see humans and greeted them with gifts.
the subjects all came out of their altered states feeling good, positive vibrations.
there were other reports about how the dmt machine elves control mankind and are dangerous aliens, not to be trusted. i didn't buy that line, the net was filled with these conspiracy ideas, it was becoming increasingly difficult to know what the hell was real and what was fiction.
i shut down the computer and quit work early, heading back to the zoom witches.
the drive took an hour and a half, rain fell heavily and by the time i arrived the sun had set and it was now as miserable as hell. water had penetrated my boots, and my big black overcoat was saturated and weighing me down. i climbed up to the basement and let myself in.
the girls were in a huge bathtub, being attended to by several eunuchs. they were all relaxing with cucumber slices over their eyes the smell of weed hanging heavily in the air.
'captain mission, welcome back,' one of them said.
'mr. freeze, what is he exactly?'
'the girls emerged, their faces surfacing and carefully the cucumber slices were removed by the attendants.
'you saw mr. freeze?'
'yes, but who...what is he?'
'he is a machine elf.' one of the girls said.
'he's actually an alien being from another dimension,' another girl said.
'he's actually an angel we call hashmal?'
'what, which is he?'
'depends in what context you saw him.'
'he put something inside of me, some sort of device. what is it?'
the girls were putting on their robes, servants dried their hair with long white towels.
'mr freeze gives humans gifts, you are lucky.'
'lucky, what the hell was it, why do i have this?
'you were chosen.'
'for what?'
they all share a smile.
'i don't want to be chosen, it feels more like a curse.'
the girls laugh and i make to leave somewhat humiliated by my ignorance. the alien object inside me seems to throb, i can feel it inside my chest.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
psycho babble comes through the wire, someone in a feedback loop, gotta shake the heat and score me some zoom. at least then i can chase down tomorrow today, flip some wires, twist some synapses.
'hey brother what's doing,'a voice calls from a crowd.
'i'm just travelling my journey man, what about you?'
'in a crowd.'
we wave bye and say some things, i pass through a fish tank window, how do i do that, portal manifestation. what did that strange lady say, vortex.
fuck it! i resign myself to fate, some people are good with numbers and have musical talents, me i'm just a vortex manipulator.
a voice in my head whispers the question, 'or are you manipulated by the vortex?'
'it don't matter either way, i will get to where i have to be.'
i make some cosmic adjustments to the matrix, weave in some forgiveness, let it pass into yesterday already.
the zoom ladies hide out in sub lofts, and elevated basements, they lounge around in lingerie smoking thin perfectly rolled spilffs, some are sleeping others in some sensual dream state. the scent of fresh clove and lime lingers in a faint haze, grapes lay on platters.
'i need a hit of zoom,' can't keep up with the flow, need a short cut.'
a woman open her eyes, she looks at me assessing me with a slow soft scan, from my strange boots up to the crown of my aura.
she rises slowly and slips into some boots.
'we will require some blood or semen for exchange.'
these witches are bitches, heavily into some kind of domination supremacy shit.'
i nod my head, yeah i know the score, its capitalism.
later the zoom cruises through my body, i'm hitting tomorrow afternoon, paving the pathway for myself. yeah reading e mails, that have not been sent yet, checking out the environment, prepared for rainstorms and a slow drive into work, some obstacles i can manage now. the zoom is clean, clear sighted, it organises time management, like cloning yourself. there are side effects, side effects are just part of the territory of life, in zooms case you don't have the same paradoxes you have in travelling back in time because with zoom you don't physically travel there' you experience it as a ghost, disembodied. you can avoid issues and problems because you see them coming, but you can't really change anything while your under the influence.
the biggest side effect is freeze.
if you perhaps hear a song or repeating hypnotic pattern in a zoom experience, under certain conditions when you meet it again under normal time you can freeze, the song has imprinted itself over riding any activity you plan.
freeze was the enemy of zoom.
it happened randomly so i took my chances.
some zoom users called the phenomena mr. freeze. if you met mr. freeze, he would fuck you up.
i'm scanning some papers, processing some information when i notice the spiral pattern, like that sixties spiral on tv shows, that seems to draw you in at the same time it takes you out.
my eyes followed the spiral, my attention fell away completely and i noticed a shadow flick across the way.
i shook myself from the effects of the spiral and when i looked again it had vanished. where was it, how had it appeared, maybe some one was attempting to implant some kind of subliminal message.
the zoom wore off faster that i would have liked, and i prepared to meet my day, factoring in i would have to think fast when i saw the spiral again.
nothing much else happened, until i hit the timeline again, this time in corporeal form, in real time.
the rain fell, the drive was insane, slow and frustrating. i drank a coffee and hit my desk, read and answered e mails in a way i had planned, knowing what to ignore, what to expect and how to respond, i strategically dealt with issues as they came up getting through a workload that should have taken hours in a few seconds.
then i saw the spiral, it was reflected in my computer screen. i began to be drawn in but quickly chanted a mantra, 'i bow and call upon primal wisdom, i call upon the wisdom of the age, i bow and call to true wisdom outside all things, i bow and call to the wisdom within.'
the spiral seemed to spit me out, and i fell back over my seat onto the floor, and there out of the corner of my eye i could see him, a small white creature, almost human in shape but obviously not, for he was tiny, covered in purple shades of patterns and ever changing fractals, light symbology surrounded his whole body and the air around him, it. i looked closely at it, inspecting it with my vision, it was part machine yet organic, part human part elf, a machine elf.
'hey brother what's doing,'a voice calls from a crowd.
'i'm just travelling my journey man, what about you?'
'in a crowd.'
we wave bye and say some things, i pass through a fish tank window, how do i do that, portal manifestation. what did that strange lady say, vortex.
fuck it! i resign myself to fate, some people are good with numbers and have musical talents, me i'm just a vortex manipulator.
a voice in my head whispers the question, 'or are you manipulated by the vortex?'
'it don't matter either way, i will get to where i have to be.'
i make some cosmic adjustments to the matrix, weave in some forgiveness, let it pass into yesterday already.
the zoom ladies hide out in sub lofts, and elevated basements, they lounge around in lingerie smoking thin perfectly rolled spilffs, some are sleeping others in some sensual dream state. the scent of fresh clove and lime lingers in a faint haze, grapes lay on platters.
'i need a hit of zoom,' can't keep up with the flow, need a short cut.'
a woman open her eyes, she looks at me assessing me with a slow soft scan, from my strange boots up to the crown of my aura.
she rises slowly and slips into some boots.
'we will require some blood or semen for exchange.'
these witches are bitches, heavily into some kind of domination supremacy shit.'
i nod my head, yeah i know the score, its capitalism.
later the zoom cruises through my body, i'm hitting tomorrow afternoon, paving the pathway for myself. yeah reading e mails, that have not been sent yet, checking out the environment, prepared for rainstorms and a slow drive into work, some obstacles i can manage now. the zoom is clean, clear sighted, it organises time management, like cloning yourself. there are side effects, side effects are just part of the territory of life, in zooms case you don't have the same paradoxes you have in travelling back in time because with zoom you don't physically travel there' you experience it as a ghost, disembodied. you can avoid issues and problems because you see them coming, but you can't really change anything while your under the influence.
the biggest side effect is freeze.
if you perhaps hear a song or repeating hypnotic pattern in a zoom experience, under certain conditions when you meet it again under normal time you can freeze, the song has imprinted itself over riding any activity you plan.
freeze was the enemy of zoom.
it happened randomly so i took my chances.
some zoom users called the phenomena mr. freeze. if you met mr. freeze, he would fuck you up.
i'm scanning some papers, processing some information when i notice the spiral pattern, like that sixties spiral on tv shows, that seems to draw you in at the same time it takes you out.
my eyes followed the spiral, my attention fell away completely and i noticed a shadow flick across the way.
i shook myself from the effects of the spiral and when i looked again it had vanished. where was it, how had it appeared, maybe some one was attempting to implant some kind of subliminal message.
the zoom wore off faster that i would have liked, and i prepared to meet my day, factoring in i would have to think fast when i saw the spiral again.
nothing much else happened, until i hit the timeline again, this time in corporeal form, in real time.
the rain fell, the drive was insane, slow and frustrating. i drank a coffee and hit my desk, read and answered e mails in a way i had planned, knowing what to ignore, what to expect and how to respond, i strategically dealt with issues as they came up getting through a workload that should have taken hours in a few seconds.
then i saw the spiral, it was reflected in my computer screen. i began to be drawn in but quickly chanted a mantra, 'i bow and call upon primal wisdom, i call upon the wisdom of the age, i bow and call to true wisdom outside all things, i bow and call to the wisdom within.'
the spiral seemed to spit me out, and i fell back over my seat onto the floor, and there out of the corner of my eye i could see him, a small white creature, almost human in shape but obviously not, for he was tiny, covered in purple shades of patterns and ever changing fractals, light symbology surrounded his whole body and the air around him, it. i looked closely at it, inspecting it with my vision, it was part machine yet organic, part human part elf, a machine elf.
i don't consider myself black or jewish by the way, it's something i learnt other people seem far more interested in than i am. i have a colourful dna line back to solomon maybe offspring of even cleopatra and solomon but 'black' and 'jew' are verbs that don't describe me, i have some parts of me that are icelandic, nordic, north american indian, south american aztec, olmec and mayan. i span time and space and am a single element in a vast beautiful expanse of intelligence and wonder i call god ocassionally, but you may call the universe. he is everywhere, in everything, the atoms, the elephants, the forces that rule our scientific universe are god for what is gravity but mass's love for other mass.
there are eastern european aspects to me, european and atlantan. i am part tiger, octopus and moomintroll, i am vastly beyond two mere words and just to prove anything true must contain its own paradox, i am captain mission!
free speech?
lets face it, it's almost the only thing left that's free, before they take it away incrementally at first, the mass will allow it, they have been dumbed down to think it's a great idea. i preach free speech although technically i'm not a man who talks. my thing is writing. i don't see the point in restricting peoples speech, let them say stupid things, let them be bigots or racists or just idiots, i'm offended everyday. silencing them will never stop their thoughts, perhaps even send them into even more twisted extremes, literature is filled with this stuff, it's out there in the world, it always has been.
is it better said, no! but you can't ever control speech because it's connected with thought in most cases.
speech has a power, it's a dimension that causes change to others directly. i think people just need to be careful what they say, considerate and constructive, have some level of the impact of words upon those that hear them but to restrict it is just another surrender of personal power to an authority that is fucked up. lawyers, magistrates, public servants and beurocracies, police and fucking ideological windbags.
i'm a black jew so i've heard it all, am i offended, no, i let it go or exercise my right to counter the offence with a more reasonable perspective !
people should be able to say what they want, when they want, how they want, that's free speech.
the real dilemma is embedded in how the information is received and processed.
lets face it, it's almost the only thing left that's free, before they take it away incrementally at first, the mass will allow it, they have been dumbed down to think it's a great idea. i preach free speech although technically i'm not a man who talks. my thing is writing. i don't see the point in restricting peoples speech, let them say stupid things, let them be bigots or racists or just idiots, i'm offended everyday. silencing them will never stop their thoughts, perhaps even send them into even more twisted extremes, literature is filled with this stuff, it's out there in the world, it always has been.
is it better said, no! but you can't ever control speech because it's connected with thought in most cases.
speech has a power, it's a dimension that causes change to others directly. i think people just need to be careful what they say, considerate and constructive, have some level of the impact of words upon those that hear them but to restrict it is just another surrender of personal power to an authority that is fucked up. lawyers, magistrates, public servants and beurocracies, police and fucking ideological windbags.
i'm a black jew so i've heard it all, am i offended, no, i let it go or exercise my right to counter the offence with a more reasonable perspective !
people should be able to say what they want, when they want, how they want, that's free speech.
the real dilemma is embedded in how the information is received and processed.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
in in the city today, train ride in passes like compression time, i've got my head stuck in a great big book, immersed like a fish in water.
when i wander out off the station i notice my shoes have fallen apart, split right down the seams, fabric tearing up, stitching come undone, yeah literally falling away from my feet. it's like the beginning of a bukowski novel without the drinking, i just feel pathetic and stupid, a clothing malfunction i think they call it.
i head over to newtown where i meet olga and val.
'you gotta help me man, i need some sensible shoes, look at these ones.'
i display the shreds upon my feet.
olga, the queen of sensible shoes takes me to a trendy king street shoe shop and i buy myself a fantastic pair of casual canvass boots, super comfortable, grey green perfect fit thanks to a lovely sales person who was very helpful, how refreshing that is.
so val, olga and i have a great rave, we eat himalayan food in a beautiful restaurant, amazing palak paneer, the spinach is a beautiful rich shade of green, i can't stop looking at it, fresh and vital and i did feel very comfortable in my new boots almost as though i had been wearing them all my life.
we wander along the crowded night street, have coffee down in some quaint natural coffee shop near the station, swap some ideas around, laugh a little, i tell a story about a girl i was in love with once and then i get the train back up the coast feeling happy to have seen my friends, to be wearing these comfortable new boots reading my big book again.
when i wander out off the station i notice my shoes have fallen apart, split right down the seams, fabric tearing up, stitching come undone, yeah literally falling away from my feet. it's like the beginning of a bukowski novel without the drinking, i just feel pathetic and stupid, a clothing malfunction i think they call it.
i head over to newtown where i meet olga and val.
'you gotta help me man, i need some sensible shoes, look at these ones.'
i display the shreds upon my feet.
olga, the queen of sensible shoes takes me to a trendy king street shoe shop and i buy myself a fantastic pair of casual canvass boots, super comfortable, grey green perfect fit thanks to a lovely sales person who was very helpful, how refreshing that is.
so val, olga and i have a great rave, we eat himalayan food in a beautiful restaurant, amazing palak paneer, the spinach is a beautiful rich shade of green, i can't stop looking at it, fresh and vital and i did feel very comfortable in my new boots almost as though i had been wearing them all my life.
we wander along the crowded night street, have coffee down in some quaint natural coffee shop near the station, swap some ideas around, laugh a little, i tell a story about a girl i was in love with once and then i get the train back up the coast feeling happy to have seen my friends, to be wearing these comfortable new boots reading my big book again.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
people say you should stay in the moment. i think this is good advice. i forget to remember to do this sometimes, it's a glitch in my nivarna circuit, except... sometimes i'm caught in a slip stream of temporal displacements and at a whim of fate could end up any point in time, but even in that time you may just find the moment you are in the moment. the trick is that moment really is a moment, it's hard to attain and maintain, and the lesson is letting go. that's the glitch solved!
it's difficult, i have trouble with it. anxieties creep in, stresses and strains from work, money usually, what a jip money is.
how is it that some politician can get to earn $1000's of dollars for two hours work or whatever it fucking was and yet they harp on about slashing penalty rates of nurses and people that work weekends, that's fucking disgusting hypocracy these people are all various levels of vermin, although that's not fair on vermin, whatever vermin is or are, rats maybe or locusts, i don't know exactly what vermin are but they are politicians, lawyers and bankers. i don't care if this one's innocent or guilty for whatever he has done but he's guilty of being fucking overpaid and a fucking hypocrite, but that's politics, a game of thrones indeed.
there's no side, left or right the globalists have taken control, the one world government is coming, only it's the same morons that we have now not some super dooper version of star trek's federation, just the same bastards with more control and more power, less accountability.
china will be here soon. they own the usa. someone's going to start a war. that's the default option of these fuckers. start a fucking war to solve a problem. it's the reset button for them in their video game reality. where will they start it this time? russia, middle east, banda aceh. how will it play out, maybe it just won't play out and we will just slide into some kinda global harmony zone. i don't know but i don't feel like that will happen, these bastards who pull the strings are playing by a different set of rules than the rest of us.
but let it go, it's another drama against an endless background of mans attempt to dominate the earth and his neighbours. jesus was the man (buddha and lao tze).
i heard abbot's 'forest' speech, well okay i gave him a chance but he blew it right there. the trees are not for us to chop down indiscriminately tony, you mean well, but your fucking stupid if you think that. there are so many alternatives to chopping down our forests.
create harmonious alternative societies within the forest, many people here in australia love trees, why not build some society that can function in forests, build a few resources, infrastructure solar panels, sustainable eco living domes, wi fi it if you want, build a roof platform so people can travel on different levels, be cool man, let the people into the forests and that will generate jobs but it has to be ecological.
the tree logging industry can be re-skilled. think of them as an investment and treat them with respect, they lost their jobs because trees are fucking majestic powerful life forms that possess some kind of intelligence we should all respect.
it's difficult, i have trouble with it. anxieties creep in, stresses and strains from work, money usually, what a jip money is.
how is it that some politician can get to earn $1000's of dollars for two hours work or whatever it fucking was and yet they harp on about slashing penalty rates of nurses and people that work weekends, that's fucking disgusting hypocracy these people are all various levels of vermin, although that's not fair on vermin, whatever vermin is or are, rats maybe or locusts, i don't know exactly what vermin are but they are politicians, lawyers and bankers. i don't care if this one's innocent or guilty for whatever he has done but he's guilty of being fucking overpaid and a fucking hypocrite, but that's politics, a game of thrones indeed.
there's no side, left or right the globalists have taken control, the one world government is coming, only it's the same morons that we have now not some super dooper version of star trek's federation, just the same bastards with more control and more power, less accountability.
china will be here soon. they own the usa. someone's going to start a war. that's the default option of these fuckers. start a fucking war to solve a problem. it's the reset button for them in their video game reality. where will they start it this time? russia, middle east, banda aceh. how will it play out, maybe it just won't play out and we will just slide into some kinda global harmony zone. i don't know but i don't feel like that will happen, these bastards who pull the strings are playing by a different set of rules than the rest of us.
but let it go, it's another drama against an endless background of mans attempt to dominate the earth and his neighbours. jesus was the man (buddha and lao tze).
i heard abbot's 'forest' speech, well okay i gave him a chance but he blew it right there. the trees are not for us to chop down indiscriminately tony, you mean well, but your fucking stupid if you think that. there are so many alternatives to chopping down our forests.
create harmonious alternative societies within the forest, many people here in australia love trees, why not build some society that can function in forests, build a few resources, infrastructure solar panels, sustainable eco living domes, wi fi it if you want, build a roof platform so people can travel on different levels, be cool man, let the people into the forests and that will generate jobs but it has to be ecological.
the tree logging industry can be re-skilled. think of them as an investment and treat them with respect, they lost their jobs because trees are fucking majestic powerful life forms that possess some kind of intelligence we should all respect.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
perfect wave at terrible beach, it was really something wonderful to feel that slight tingle of cold as it lapped around my knees and then that walk into its deep penetrating surface, how i stretched out and dived in, shock and fast fade.
i get the beautiful waves, they are bigger this morning, the effects of some kind of butterfly effect in northern australia, but here the wave manifests as a butterfly wing, perfect flow. i catch some but its not surfing that motivates me, it's just a kind of silly childish wonder at being in such a strangely familiar element, splashing around like a boy, haven't felt like that for ages.
later i walk out across a perfect sandy beach, up to the shower and i feel the sunshine upon my skin, it's feeding me.
i read the news, it's all bad shit, coming at ya from all angles, left right, all the fucking same, don't buy the goods man. they all work for the same man. who cares who it is, he's a bad energy dude, sucking up hope like an evil pope.
i drive along the road, enjoying the cruise, watching the homes, people walking early in the morning, it's a slow drive, soaking up the morning with my organic eye. i buy some grapes from a fruit shop, black ones. i get home and make my fruity drink, i feed the hound, the fish and wait for something to happen but nothing does. i fall into a dream about surfing.
i get the beautiful waves, they are bigger this morning, the effects of some kind of butterfly effect in northern australia, but here the wave manifests as a butterfly wing, perfect flow. i catch some but its not surfing that motivates me, it's just a kind of silly childish wonder at being in such a strangely familiar element, splashing around like a boy, haven't felt like that for ages.
later i walk out across a perfect sandy beach, up to the shower and i feel the sunshine upon my skin, it's feeding me.
i read the news, it's all bad shit, coming at ya from all angles, left right, all the fucking same, don't buy the goods man. they all work for the same man. who cares who it is, he's a bad energy dude, sucking up hope like an evil pope.
i drive along the road, enjoying the cruise, watching the homes, people walking early in the morning, it's a slow drive, soaking up the morning with my organic eye. i buy some grapes from a fruit shop, black ones. i get home and make my fruity drink, i feed the hound, the fish and wait for something to happen but nothing does. i fall into a dream about surfing.
i am a cockney by birth. london lore reckons if you are born within the sound of the bells at st. bows then you're a cockney, i was born right around the corner in whitechapel and in 1962 it was the biggest slum in europe, populated by immigrants and criminal activity and weirdly wired brains like isreal regarde who was a student of crowley for a short time.
my mother encouraged my father to do some engineering course and he became an engineer, and suddenly we moved to the suburbs where everything was different. i hated this part of london life, i can't recall much about it only i was bullied a lot, there was a girl called kim powers whom i liked a lot.
one memory that sticks out as my first imprint with the emotion of love was when i took my brand new bike out for a ride, i saw her on the opposite side of the street walking towards me, i acted nonchalant, only because i didn't know quite what to do so i just equated this impulsive need to show off, thus i peddled as fast as i could building up a little speed and zoomed down the road hoping she would think, i was steve mcqueen cool.
just as we were about to cross paths, splat!
into a lampost and to add to my humiliation i literally slid down the post with my tongue hanging out licking the cold stone.
she laughed and walked past and thus my lessons in life turned up, humiliation and defeat in love, from which i have learnt to let go and laugh at myself.
these are good lessons and occasionally we all need to remind ourselves how ridiculous we all are. myself probably more than others. thankfully i can't help but write my self out of being, till i am void of thought and imagination. that's what some form of neutrality must be like i imagine. maybe peace, maybe hell, i have no idea.
everything outside of the natural order is meaningless, i don't get it. a mass of ideas we have forced into existence building civilisations and cultures, all formed around an idea. the earth generates ideas. taoism teaches us not to look at the idea but look at the nature. i think there's a lot to be said for this and perhaps we should be looking at both which ironically is an idea but that's why all truth contains its own paradox.
me, maybe i'm just a paradox within a paradox, what i think is freedom is just another cage until there is no cage. you can use your mind to do anything, belief will power it, so it stands to reason one needs to consider what one believes. love is a choice. i chose to believe in love, i choose joy and peace, love and creativity over all other ideas or at least until something better comes along.
magick is a very good process, i find i'm attuned to it, it comes intuitively whereas i'm crap at almost everything else, magick is my language, symbolic significances that i've retained while all other ideologies i may embrace for a while, fail after i apply some critical analysis or you push them as far as you can. the key to magick like everything is knowing when the process is over for you. knowing when the education of these secret traditions are completed and you have finished. it's different for everyone, it's individual and unique. the magick skools tend to omit letting people know about this, which is when some people start to implode or self destruct. i guess its like anything, its something you can't force upon yourself, you don't control it once you let it start, magick is a potent drive because it could lead to power. power, the ultimate aphrodisiac, that's what they say, i wouldn't know because power does not interest me at all, it's in the realm of others. i seek a relationship with the universe, i have one. it works for me, i spent years developing and refining it but that in itself can only come from love, understanding and acknowledgement, it's not really a complex deal in retrospect but sometimes it appeared heavy and weighty and filled with some dark energy, but that ladies and gentlemen, was what was inside me, yeah quite literally magick when it works turns you inside out so you can see yourself. it's a metaphor although literal. this is the alchemy of the process, changing yourself changes experience of the drama outside ourselves, we know it thanks to the new age but it's the old age that really gives you an authentic experience. those ancient ones were switched on cats, taking plant medicine, seeing their own internal fears and desires and madness played out, knowing that it was beyond them but they could symbolise its significance. they designed the road map for us psychonauts, we ambled our way following our impulses and intuition learning what we can, and leaving our own trail of crumbs for others to follow into the woods, it's not for nothing dante starts with inferno and the lines 'half way through life's path, lost in the woods.'
the christian mystics knew kabbalah, they say kabbalists say one can't study kabbala until you are age 40, halfway through life i guess, you need a little experience of life but those kooky kabbalists didn't really get the process because it needed time.
that's what time is, a way of transmitting information.
in time and the advance of information technology, we could process magick fast, support a science of magick, consciousness, psychology, healing arts, mysticism, science and art, all these lenses should be applied to the magickal realm, what is true and what is not?
true for you?
remember magick is a process, there's no finishing line, it's something that unfolds like a flower and when you have drunk in it's beauty let it go. it's a beautiful process, from a much more elegant intelligence than human and it is worthy of awe and respect and love.
well i think so.
i read a fantastic book called 'the erl king' based upon the gothic story / poem by gothe, mixed with the story of st. christopher and a dash of allegorical magical realism echoing proust and gunther grass's tin drum, although i found that a heavy dense book when i first read it, this is somewhat easier to read and captivating. it's written by micheal tounier in 1977 and he won a big literary prize for it unanimously.
the novel is so well written it's easy to see why it won a prize, the story is working on so many levels it's incredibly challenging to read the symbolism in this book but 'wow' it's worth it.
my mother encouraged my father to do some engineering course and he became an engineer, and suddenly we moved to the suburbs where everything was different. i hated this part of london life, i can't recall much about it only i was bullied a lot, there was a girl called kim powers whom i liked a lot.
one memory that sticks out as my first imprint with the emotion of love was when i took my brand new bike out for a ride, i saw her on the opposite side of the street walking towards me, i acted nonchalant, only because i didn't know quite what to do so i just equated this impulsive need to show off, thus i peddled as fast as i could building up a little speed and zoomed down the road hoping she would think, i was steve mcqueen cool.
just as we were about to cross paths, splat!
into a lampost and to add to my humiliation i literally slid down the post with my tongue hanging out licking the cold stone.
she laughed and walked past and thus my lessons in life turned up, humiliation and defeat in love, from which i have learnt to let go and laugh at myself.
these are good lessons and occasionally we all need to remind ourselves how ridiculous we all are. myself probably more than others. thankfully i can't help but write my self out of being, till i am void of thought and imagination. that's what some form of neutrality must be like i imagine. maybe peace, maybe hell, i have no idea.
everything outside of the natural order is meaningless, i don't get it. a mass of ideas we have forced into existence building civilisations and cultures, all formed around an idea. the earth generates ideas. taoism teaches us not to look at the idea but look at the nature. i think there's a lot to be said for this and perhaps we should be looking at both which ironically is an idea but that's why all truth contains its own paradox.
me, maybe i'm just a paradox within a paradox, what i think is freedom is just another cage until there is no cage. you can use your mind to do anything, belief will power it, so it stands to reason one needs to consider what one believes. love is a choice. i chose to believe in love, i choose joy and peace, love and creativity over all other ideas or at least until something better comes along.
magick is a very good process, i find i'm attuned to it, it comes intuitively whereas i'm crap at almost everything else, magick is my language, symbolic significances that i've retained while all other ideologies i may embrace for a while, fail after i apply some critical analysis or you push them as far as you can. the key to magick like everything is knowing when the process is over for you. knowing when the education of these secret traditions are completed and you have finished. it's different for everyone, it's individual and unique. the magick skools tend to omit letting people know about this, which is when some people start to implode or self destruct. i guess its like anything, its something you can't force upon yourself, you don't control it once you let it start, magick is a potent drive because it could lead to power. power, the ultimate aphrodisiac, that's what they say, i wouldn't know because power does not interest me at all, it's in the realm of others. i seek a relationship with the universe, i have one. it works for me, i spent years developing and refining it but that in itself can only come from love, understanding and acknowledgement, it's not really a complex deal in retrospect but sometimes it appeared heavy and weighty and filled with some dark energy, but that ladies and gentlemen, was what was inside me, yeah quite literally magick when it works turns you inside out so you can see yourself. it's a metaphor although literal. this is the alchemy of the process, changing yourself changes experience of the drama outside ourselves, we know it thanks to the new age but it's the old age that really gives you an authentic experience. those ancient ones were switched on cats, taking plant medicine, seeing their own internal fears and desires and madness played out, knowing that it was beyond them but they could symbolise its significance. they designed the road map for us psychonauts, we ambled our way following our impulses and intuition learning what we can, and leaving our own trail of crumbs for others to follow into the woods, it's not for nothing dante starts with inferno and the lines 'half way through life's path, lost in the woods.'
the christian mystics knew kabbalah, they say kabbalists say one can't study kabbala until you are age 40, halfway through life i guess, you need a little experience of life but those kooky kabbalists didn't really get the process because it needed time.
that's what time is, a way of transmitting information.
in time and the advance of information technology, we could process magick fast, support a science of magick, consciousness, psychology, healing arts, mysticism, science and art, all these lenses should be applied to the magickal realm, what is true and what is not?
true for you?
remember magick is a process, there's no finishing line, it's something that unfolds like a flower and when you have drunk in it's beauty let it go. it's a beautiful process, from a much more elegant intelligence than human and it is worthy of awe and respect and love.
well i think so.
i read a fantastic book called 'the erl king' based upon the gothic story / poem by gothe, mixed with the story of st. christopher and a dash of allegorical magical realism echoing proust and gunther grass's tin drum, although i found that a heavy dense book when i first read it, this is somewhat easier to read and captivating. it's written by micheal tounier in 1977 and he won a big literary prize for it unanimously.
the novel is so well written it's easy to see why it won a prize, the story is working on so many levels it's incredibly challenging to read the symbolism in this book but 'wow' it's worth it.
Friday, March 14, 2014
get the train up to newcastle, meet some groovy people in the old customs house, beautiful stone building, high ceilings and grand vista. i chat to a woman in a red dress and very high heels, she's english and had blood red nail polish. the stars are out, a moon hangs in the sky.
i know she likes me, but it's complex, some other guys hang around her demanding her time and one of them offers me a lift home, then declaring his love for the woman in red. he tells me the saddest story of a recent break up, and how he's certain the woman in red is the girl for him now. i don't know what to say, why is he telling me all this, why can't i just look out the window at the night skies, why can't he play some brian eno instead of slayer or iron maiden. it's a long drive home and i have to suffer.
but i kinda feel sorry for the guy and offer some thoughtful philosophical advice, safe stuff so he don't dump me halfway between newcastle and home.
i get a text from the woman in red, she says, how she liked my company and thought i was a gentleman, she says she would like to see me again.
this kinda stuff is rare these days, i hardly ever meet anyone let alone women, i hardly ever go out.
the lady in red has something to do with the band, the pet shop boys, apparently she's their sound engineer.
she said she'd been in lots of their video's to.
i don't know anything much about the pet shop boys, i like the first song, 'west end girls' but the rest of the stuff i've heard i never really liked much, whereas my brother loves them. anyway i think it's weird that i meet a pet shop girl and i smile when i read her text. it's nice to get feedback like that.
but as i smile my chauffeur is telling me how he feels he can make a new start with pet shop girl, how she may be his 'one' and all the heartbreak he has suffered might just be leading up to this moment, he feels there may be some chance for him.
i send some sort of neutral text back, but instinctively add a kiss which i immediately regret, i don't wanna get entangled with this chap and his desires, it's only going to lead to someone getting hurt, my head starts to feel heavy, i wanna close my eyes, when did going out become so complex.
i get home after midnight and my phones going crazy, woman in red sending me flirty texts. in the morning more come and i think about the poor guy who obviously needs this woman, has pinned his hopes upon the fact she may just like him in return, but you know romance don't work like that, it follows no laws, conditions or rules, it's chaos. the best thing for me to do is go surfing, forget about everything.
i know she likes me, but it's complex, some other guys hang around her demanding her time and one of them offers me a lift home, then declaring his love for the woman in red. he tells me the saddest story of a recent break up, and how he's certain the woman in red is the girl for him now. i don't know what to say, why is he telling me all this, why can't i just look out the window at the night skies, why can't he play some brian eno instead of slayer or iron maiden. it's a long drive home and i have to suffer.
but i kinda feel sorry for the guy and offer some thoughtful philosophical advice, safe stuff so he don't dump me halfway between newcastle and home.
i get a text from the woman in red, she says, how she liked my company and thought i was a gentleman, she says she would like to see me again.
this kinda stuff is rare these days, i hardly ever meet anyone let alone women, i hardly ever go out.
the lady in red has something to do with the band, the pet shop boys, apparently she's their sound engineer.
she said she'd been in lots of their video's to.
i don't know anything much about the pet shop boys, i like the first song, 'west end girls' but the rest of the stuff i've heard i never really liked much, whereas my brother loves them. anyway i think it's weird that i meet a pet shop girl and i smile when i read her text. it's nice to get feedback like that.
but as i smile my chauffeur is telling me how he feels he can make a new start with pet shop girl, how she may be his 'one' and all the heartbreak he has suffered might just be leading up to this moment, he feels there may be some chance for him.
i send some sort of neutral text back, but instinctively add a kiss which i immediately regret, i don't wanna get entangled with this chap and his desires, it's only going to lead to someone getting hurt, my head starts to feel heavy, i wanna close my eyes, when did going out become so complex.
i get home after midnight and my phones going crazy, woman in red sending me flirty texts. in the morning more come and i think about the poor guy who obviously needs this woman, has pinned his hopes upon the fact she may just like him in return, but you know romance don't work like that, it follows no laws, conditions or rules, it's chaos. the best thing for me to do is go surfing, forget about everything.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
i have seen it all.
today i'm driving three paranoid schizophrenics, we are on our way to pick up a forth. there's a lot of traffic and i've already given a tranquillizer to the most dangerous of my clients. he's recent history is quite violent and disturbing but no one seems to care, the police can't do anything, there's no support for him, and less for us.
he is becoming more and more anxious and agitated so i offer him another tranquillizer, the two other clients are withdrawing further into themselves and the mood within the van becomes darker the closer we get to the pick up point.
the forth client jumps in, he says hello to everyone except the one who is getting agitated and as a result receives a shit load of verbal abuse, some of which is really disturbing. then suddenly the agitated client unbuckles his safety belt and smashes a metal model of the millennium falcon over the head of the other, i attempt to intervene and end up getting a smashed wrist, the millennium falcon comes around for a second blow, smashing into the guys cranium.
i'm driving a massive van through very crowded street with no where to pull over of any side street, blood and bone spurting out everywhere on the inside of the windows.
it's another day at the office.
i have a 40 year history of stories, bizarre strange, sad stories with the occasional funny one thrown in, all from my career. one day i'll compile them into some narrative, but you probably wouldn't believe them, the truth is far stranger than fiction.
today i'm driving three paranoid schizophrenics, we are on our way to pick up a forth. there's a lot of traffic and i've already given a tranquillizer to the most dangerous of my clients. he's recent history is quite violent and disturbing but no one seems to care, the police can't do anything, there's no support for him, and less for us.
he is becoming more and more anxious and agitated so i offer him another tranquillizer, the two other clients are withdrawing further into themselves and the mood within the van becomes darker the closer we get to the pick up point.
the forth client jumps in, he says hello to everyone except the one who is getting agitated and as a result receives a shit load of verbal abuse, some of which is really disturbing. then suddenly the agitated client unbuckles his safety belt and smashes a metal model of the millennium falcon over the head of the other, i attempt to intervene and end up getting a smashed wrist, the millennium falcon comes around for a second blow, smashing into the guys cranium.
i'm driving a massive van through very crowded street with no where to pull over of any side street, blood and bone spurting out everywhere on the inside of the windows.
it's another day at the office.
i have a 40 year history of stories, bizarre strange, sad stories with the occasional funny one thrown in, all from my career. one day i'll compile them into some narrative, but you probably wouldn't believe them, the truth is far stranger than fiction.
one eyed seer,
psychic cyclops
spinning his way forth
lumbering forwards
falling back
simple minded
misplaced molecule
foolish weak thing
shame the strong
in the idiot wind
i heard your song
drifting and drifting
where does it lead
through the wild wood
and towards the sea
the whispering angels
pinprick of night
dazzling synapses
electrical current insight
darkness now visible
let there be light
psychic cyclops
spinning his way forth
lumbering forwards
falling back
simple minded
misplaced molecule
foolish weak thing
shame the strong
in the idiot wind
i heard your song
drifting and drifting
where does it lead
through the wild wood
and towards the sea
the whispering angels
pinprick of night
dazzling synapses
electrical current insight
darkness now visible
let there be light
Monday, March 10, 2014
apparently i incarnated into this vessel 52 or 53 years ago, so i took it down to the ocean at terrible beach where neptune greeted and gifted me with perfect waves under rich blue skies, invigorating my cellular body with negative ions, my spiritual body with peace.
i get home to find david chaim smiths 'blazing dew of stars' waiting for me, if it's as good as 'sacrificial universe' i'm going to be thrilled but the present that beats them all is my priest = aura poster, signed by all the church members, and i must thank sam for asking richard ploog to add his name to it, when i have some cash i will get an appropriate frame for it.
i don't think anyone sent me presents or gifts even knowing it was my birthday, they just kinda turned up due to some synchronistic singularity event. couldn't have asked for a better birthday really.
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