taking the hits, reeling from the blows, ya get kicked in the guts, punched in the face, your feeling bloody and a mess, covered in blood and drool like a first class looser in the game of love. you stumble around in confusion, up against polarity blues, up against love is pain, up against your twin flame anxiety and you don't have any salvation drugs, no cure for the intense feelings, no redemption, just the stench of failure and loss. teeth are falling out, bones hurt, hair wild and dry, eyes burning with tears, mind fragmented and confused in a pea soup fog, face scratched up with claw marks from the vengeful rage, the hideous anger that takes you out. 
you splutter inadequacy and impotence, you feel like a dethroned king shoved out by some imposter knight who really was her king which makes you the imposter, you feel sad and fatalistic and you require some nursing so you retreat to the barren wilderness where nothing can ever touch you again. you shut up your heart, you build a fortress around it and protect it from her fury and bladed words. 
you let her say all the things she needs to, a barrage of critique, heavy artillery, it's pummelling down like a clusterfuck, you can't hide, you can't move, you just have to hear each sharp instrument as it penetrates everything you wanted to be and reduces you down to an infinitesimal nothing. 
and now you know what you know you knew. it's not what i think of me, but it's what she thinks and she is me, and therefore it is my self worth. i hear what it's valued at. it's not worth much, less now than ever. maybe a handful of magick beans down the market of shattered dreams.
still i stand, still i breathe, still i am.
i know what to say, how to defend myself but this is not the time or place, this is just self indulgence, negative energy fuelled by rage. happy birthday to me i think as i compare my birthday to the magnificence of his. 
it's not healthy thoughts that lead me here, this whole thing has been unhealthy as i am told to take responsibility for everything i do.
it's all my fault. no one else is to blame. 
so i travel onwards on my own. the best and worst experience i could ever imagine. a process that proved i have a soul and she is beautiful and yet terrifying. 
what have i learnt?
i have learnt that love is as strong as death and hard as hell.