the days dissolve me, i watch the life around me, birds, insects, flowers and animals approach me in my st.francis moments. from a soldier to a hip priest, from a lover to a fighter. well i guess thats how the dice falls old mission. time for the new mission, although i will never recover from this, part of me just died in the loss. my enthusiasm, that little tigger inside my heart just retreats now at the thought of anything. what's the point i think, what's the fucking point. 
the point is now to get healthy, fighting fit and beat the defeated blues. fortunately i have some very interesting events to keep me focused and maybe do something constructive in this period. 
the covid 19 virus means isolation, it means restriction and distancing, it means russian roulette in the game of life and death, no matter race, age, religion and who you vote for everyone is in the same boat. so, don't panic, it's easy to navigate this period, all the things we think mean something mean little, the idea of being right, materialism, the acquisition of wealth, power and jewels, the pursuit of ambition, attachments to constructs, we have to let them go. the only thing that matters is love, hold on to that. it's the only thing that matters. you may never see your loved one alive again, make it count. god bless you all.

the frontline dispatches.

everything happens fast, each day a new challenge as we are confronted by a very high-risk environment and clients that have no conceptual understanding of events outside their routines and the predictable safety they have known for a few years. 
last week i tried to explain the situation using graphics but i'm not sure how much info gets through. not much on the virus and the social implications. they have no idea why they are in quarantine and after a few days, behaviors begin to escalate. 
i think about the mental health issues that are going to cause untold problems, not just to the clients but to the wider community. the only way forwards is to let it all go, this is the real front line, let of everything. money won't fucking help, attainment of ambitions won't help, being wrong or right won't help. art won't help, writing blogs won't help. only help will help. sure we ascend but everyone worth anything knows that to be there for another is to the greatest gift. so i'm here being there. 
i am not in a position to take time off work now, we are very short-staffed and considered an essential service. i get a special pass that allows me to drive around in case i'm stopped by authorities, i had no idea the public are not allowed to drive unless it's for groceries or emergencies or to an essential service like a hospital. two people maximum in a car!
fines are being implemented by the cops. it's surreal, although i like the roads empty, makes for fast driving. i like the clear skies, look up at the stars. there's a lot happening, strange objects.
we have our temperature read every day and infection control in the work environment is very high, masks and gloves disinfectant sprays handwashing every 30 mins etc. it's like working for the cdc. the authorities that run our service are doing their best to protect us but i guess if you are frontline staff you have a responsibility to be professional and turn up, enact the procedures as best you can and keep yourself and clients safe. most staff are taking leave and abandoning their posts, some have families and loved ones they want to be with so i understand. if one of us goes down, we all do. there's a lot of responsibility in that.

circumstances are extreme and it's nice to watch people re-prioritize what's important in the face of chance against a virus that does not care about your race, age, religion or political stance. me. i'm getting healthier every day although i miss ms. mission more than ever.

some weird germ from china has escaped into the world causing havoc and peoples response is to buy up toilet paper. mum and dad say it's god but i think it may be me. 

if the inner effects the outer then yep, i'm fucking responsible and i will fix it up as soon as i can. it may take a while for me to make necessary adjustments but please understand i am commited to the task. in the meantime don't panic, be peaceful and creative.

early morning i discover the zone near the south end of a remote beach, some interesting people come my way, all wish to speak for some reason, me i just mind my business, 'leave me alone' vibe not working so i talk to them. the sun drenched water is beautiful, i feel the sunlight upon my skin and do some bone breathing, light eating. i'm blocked, energy not flowing anymore but i am in a zen space and it feels okay. hope it can stick around.
i gotta lot of stuff i need to sort through, my blocked energy, my broken heart, guilt, remorse, fucking self worth, i gotta get myself sorted out fast and the only way is go deeper in and fix my own damage. my white light has a leak. my black light has a knot. i saw a fucking great black dragon tattoo this morning in a shop at long jetty. it was awesome. i'm not sure if i can get that tattoo now, i need to do that in consultation but i would like something soon maybe in june when i am consistent and back from the dead.
we did speak briefly, she the clockwork binary universe, me, i see it as a vast intelligent organism constructed from spiritual material that has no analogue or digital dualistic quality, only the illusion of one. i do know this, not from study but from experience.  the raw and real is even an illusion, it all is except love. the only thing that matters is the soul and mine is half beautiful the other slightly wounded.  
i'm going so far inwards i can't say what will appear on the out.
let's make it sexy again.
i stop at some strange yoga place and ask this crazy girl to make me something healthy and nutrition packed, she fixes me the most glorious green drink ever. it's absorbed by grateful cells who dance around like james brown, the girl looks at me in bemusement as i can't stop thanking her and she asks if i want to stay and have lunch. 
'no, i can't,' i say, 'i have to keep dissolving.'
she smiles, 'cool,' she replies.
i think she gets it.

i must acknowledge how amazing ms mission is. she really is much better than me. all my ravings and writings have been very one sided and selfish, me working it all out. she had to work it out as well. she had her drama and challenges and i should have responded instead of reacting. 

i have had to learn this lesson hard. face myself, my own inadequacies and failings. i have to let that go as well. just go through what needs to be gone through.

my mistake, my lesson. it is all about unconditional love. i understand this now, in more clarity than ever because it is a twin flame process so everything was really fucking intense. this is what i have to transcend, my own mind. love brought me to duality and this is such a problem for me because i wanted an expression of romantic love, i wanted to be wanted and thought of as special to her but the twin flame relationship is not about this at all. my mind wanted this, and when it didn't get this, in fact it got the opposite i found the process unbearable. 
all i had to do was submit to it.
let it go. be detached.
not want the other person.
not have any attachment yet of course i did. how hard is it not to have an attachment to someone you are in love with?
how do i turn that down?
how do you stop?
how does that work?
you have to let go. 
let it go mission.
let go.
now!

taking the hits, reeling from the blows, ya get kicked in the guts, punched in the face, your feeling bloody and a mess, covered in blood and drool like a first class looser in the game of love. you stumble around in confusion, up against polarity blues, up against love is pain, up against your twin flame anxiety and you don't have any salvation drugs, no cure for the intense feelings, no redemption, just the stench of failure and loss. teeth are falling out, bones hurt, hair wild and dry, eyes burning with tears, mind fragmented and confused in a pea soup fog, face scratched up with claw marks from the vengeful rage, the hideous anger that takes you out. 
you splutter inadequacy and impotence, you feel like a dethroned king shoved out by some imposter knight who really was her king which makes you the imposter, you feel sad and fatalistic and you require some nursing so you retreat to the barren wilderness where nothing can ever touch you again. you shut up your heart, you build a fortress around it and protect it from her fury and bladed words. 
you let her say all the things she needs to, a barrage of critique, heavy artillery, it's pummelling down like a clusterfuck, you can't hide, you can't move, you just have to hear each sharp instrument as it penetrates everything you wanted to be and reduces you down to an infinitesimal nothing. 
and now you know what you know you knew. it's not what i think of me, but it's what she thinks and she is me, and therefore it is my self worth. i hear what it's valued at. it's not worth much, less now than ever. maybe a handful of magick beans down the market of shattered dreams.
still i stand, still i breathe, still i am.
i know what to say, how to defend myself but this is not the time or place, this is just self indulgence, negative energy fuelled by rage. happy birthday to me i think as i compare my birthday to the magnificence of his. 
it's not healthy thoughts that lead me here, this whole thing has been unhealthy as i am told to take responsibility for everything i do.
it's all my fault. no one else is to blame. 
so i travel onwards on my own. the best and worst experience i could ever imagine. a process that proved i have a soul and she is beautiful and yet terrifying. 
what have i learnt?
i have learnt that love is as strong as death and hard as hell.