once when i hit rock botton i landed a part time job with burroughs bug exterminator company, a nefarious business indeed.
burroughs was long past his use by date and couldn't leave home due to crippling agoraphobia so he trained me up in his underground basement, which resembled a mad scientists laboratory from a cheesy late fifties movie. burroughs chain smoked tiny joints he rolled with sweet smelling mexican hooch, he repeated the instructions in that strange dying android drawl as i followed them out, 
'move from left to right, right from left, keep the nozzle downwards, about one inch from the ground, you're an exterminator now, bug killing terrorist, gotta spray those fucking bugs mission, cos a bug never forgets.'
'i thought it was an elephant that never forgets.'
'elephants never remember, bugs never forget mission, you got any wits?'
'wit's!'
'on your personage.'
'err...'
'mmm didn't think so boy, now focus your mind.'
occasionally he'd add a little element.
once he was teaching me how to get a nest, he'd set up a balloon and pinned it up from the ceiling and i was to hook onto it, carry it down and smoke the wasps unconscious and then drown them but it was all simulated, there were no wasps. i managed to hook the balloon and was about to bring it in when burroughs threw a dart into my leg.
i screamed, dropping the pole and the balloon.
'what the fuck man!'
i hopped around on one leg, the dart had entered all the way to the hilt, i pulled it out and a jet of blood spurt streamed out.
'wise man take a sting below the belt from a rouge than crack a nest and take the heat from a swarm.'
in some ways it was like the i ching, the more i listened the more i'd discover i had no idea what he was talking about, yet although it was elusive and eluding his words contained some sort of hidden painful truth.
and every time i felt i was getting better at this stupid job he'd teach me i knew nothing.
so onwards i trained, days passed into weeks and then months and we worked our ways from ants, roaches, spiders and hornets and wasps, snakes and reptiles, rats, possums, skunks and finally the exotic beasts burroughs seemed to hold in high regard, centipedes, snails and beetles.
i have to be honest, these things didn't come easy. i'm no killer, even of bugs.
but burroughs, he was hardcore, a lethal ruthless assassin and even though we only learnt theory i knew burroughs was an expert. not just in bug killing, but in everything, he had knowledge of stuff that was ridiculous, he knew who killed jfk, he knew what aliens species the government knew about, he had encyclopaedic knowledge about drugs and derivatives, he also knew a hell of a lot about weapons and late one tuesday afternoon, he showed me his vault.
knives. he picked one up, it was a black dagger, with a ribbed edge, it looked like something from the future. the handle was pure black onyx yet it was light to hold and it fit perfectly into my hands. he gave me a belt to keep it with and a black leather sheath.
'it's a olmenic soul killing dagger mission, mans gotta have something to protect himself with.'
there were guns in there but we never got to look at those. burroughs didn't even show me the rest of the blades, he just gave me this weapon and that was it.
i saw some oriental weapons on the walls, 'what's that?'
it's persian, a war machine, very dangerous for humans.'
'mmm, okay,' i'd lost interest in his weapons and burroughs didn't really seem to enthusiastic now, 'that's your weapon, guns don't stop bugs without a world of collateral damage, plus they are heavy to carry, use the dagger, it's exactly what you need for your first mission mission.'
'what kinda bugs do you kill with a dagger.'
'the large kind mission, the large kind.'
we went back to the basement and i ate some soup while burroughs shot up on some black powder.

he passed me a piece of paper, it was wafer thing and rolled up like a toothpick, i uncurled it and saw an address written in his awful scrawl. there was a telephone number under the address.
he threw me the phone.
'independence day mission, go out there, kill some bugs.' he threw me the car key, it was attached to a keychain with a big plastic cockroach.
the car was indeed a black truck, beaten up and somewhat antiquated, i wondered how long it had left before it fell apart. the engine turned over with a crunch and i kicked it into gear. the machine moved awkwardly forwards lurching like some rusty derelict fairground ride and despite my reservations got me to my destination. 
i pulled up outside a huge old federation mansion.
the door was unmarked, it could use a layer of paint, i studied the house, it was falling apart, the best possible thing would be to pull it down and start again. whatever bugs were inside would be entrenched.
it was a young lady that opened the door, she wore an apron and some oven gloves, 'apologies, i was just baking some muffins.'
'no problem, i'm the exterminator. i believe you have a problem with some bugs.'
'ah mr. burroughs must have sent you, i was hoping he would return, i enjoyed his company for an old man he certainly had lots of vitality.'
'well i wouldn't know about that but he did indeed send me, i'm mission, his new assistant, apprentice actually. i'm still learning. he sent me but he didn't provide me with much information about the nature of your problem. i may need to talk with you before i start.'
she smiled, 'sure, why don't you come inside, those muffins will be ready soon. i'm mrs. vandermoon but you can call me shirley.'
the interior was darker than most homes, furniture was from another time but it looked stylish in relation to the interior decor and gradually i could make an impression. 
this was old money, a family home for decades, maybe centuries. the design was timeless, old desks and paintings, rugs and tables, high ceilings with dusty crystal chandeliers, the curtains were heavy and dark, wooden floors covered in dust creaking in the breeze. the staircase was the wide style with that particular curl as you ascend. i looked around taking it all in, first impressions are important in this line of work burroughs said to me once. especially the smell of a place, and it was this strange pungent stink of something ancient and rotting that i could perceive underneath the disguise of fresh muffins. 
we sat in the kitchen at the big work bench shirley pulled out a tray of perfect muffins, steam rose from the lush looking raspberry domes and as she put the kettle on the stove i asked her as few questions.
'so what is the nature of your problem?'
'pardon mr mission?'
'well, do you have an infestation problem?'
'oh no. i wouldn't call it infestation, after all that would imply many. i think the bug we have is just a single one. a lone insect, thankfully.'
'well that makes it simple and hard, how will i locate one single bug in this big house?'
'well i can't know, i'm just a housewife, you are the exterminator.'
'yes, that's true. okay well have you seen it?'
she poured the tea into a china tea cup and offered me it black but pointed to a bowl of sugar. 
'help yourself to sugar mr. mission. yes, i did see it once but it's difficult to speak about, it was quite revolting.' she leaned in, whispering, 'it's huge, as big as i am, blacker than black just horrible. covered in legs like a centipede but fatter and with a head.'
i ate the muffin and sipped the tea. she was insane, deranged, some genetic defect, possibly from the inbreeding in her family line. old money means old karma. i continued with the charade, 'can you tell me where you last saw it.'
'the study.'
'and you want me to exterminate it?'
'obviously mr. mission.'
i bit down into the hot cake, a raspberry and white chocolate heat melting upon my tongue in an erotic moment of pleasure and sensation, 
'these are great muffins mrs vandermoon, lovely.'
'help yourself, really. i can't eat them all.'
'i'll be fine with this one but i will need that bowl of sugar if that's okay.'
'certainly. i'm going to have to pop out for a while anyway and do some shopping so start whenever you wish. can i ask how long this will take?'
'shouldn't be more than an hour providing this insect takes the bait. if i have to use the spray i'll call you. you won't be able to enter the house for at least 2 hours.'
there was an awkward moment then she said, 'i'll just leave you to it.' 
i'd never trained for big bugs, burroughs had suggested they get big on rare occasions but never mentioned them being human sized. i just assumed when he said big bugs he meant, the size of a walnut or something. there must be a mistake, insects are small and very rarely are they lone preferring a swarm, or family. 
i returned to the van and took out my kit, a belt bag i affixed next to my knife. some spray (just in case) and my zap powdered moon gun which was set to a sonic setting at a frequency insects would detect and be repelled.
room by room i swept with sound, methodically and with diligence finding nothing of mention until i came to the study. 
the entry was a big double door which mrs. vandermoon had left unlocked for me. i positioned myself carefully before it and slipped through silently, shutting the door behind.
i checked the settings on my zap gun and raised it to begin my sweep.
'don't please, i am reading.'
the weapon fell from my hand.
the bug was certainly man sized and it spoke in a very educated english. 
a deep silence hung in the book filled room, broken only by a car starting up outside in the distance.
'that would be mrs vandermoon, sweet lady indeed. and i see you have brought me a bowl of sugar, fabulous.'
still frozen i realised i was clutching the plastic bag into which i had poured the sugar intending to use it as bait. 
i was uncertain quite what to say so i placed the bowl down and pushed it towards where it sat.
without batting an eyelid the bug shot out a long tendril like tongue, frog fast it snatched the bowl and drew it towards the it's lap with great precision, not a granule of sugar spilled. it put aside the book and a long slimy snout seemed to emerge from within it's mouth. a secondary mouth, this one had a sucker type tube at it's end and it was into this tube the sugar seemed to disappear. it was not quite snorting, but it was very efficient way of ingesting nutrients.
'please excuse my eating habits, these are quite different from yours. my body is designed to excrete certain acids that dissolve food and digest it externally which i then suck back into my body as nutrient. it must look strange to you?'
'it's repulsive.'
'now, now, it's basic insect biology. no need to be so rude.' after all it's far more efficient than consuming raw product and spending five hours walking around in your skinbag digesting your meals.' 
the thing made a slapping slurping sound and sighed, 'there, all done. now state your business so i can return to my book.'
'i'm the exterminator, i've come to kill you.'
the thing made clicking sounds i assumed was some form of laughter, 'i think you are mistaken, killing me is quite impossible. my defences are very sophisticated and i could dispatch you in a matter of seconds.' 
the beast turned to look at me, it's face was quite distasteful, alien and ugly but it  seemed to smile now, it's strange purple crystalline features displayed some sort of malevolent intelligence. 'my weaponry systems are far superior to your primal ideas of defence and attack.'
smugly i quipped back, 'is that so. you just digested a fast acting chemical poison i laced the sugar with.'
'my chemical digestive systems are intelligent enough to know what's what. they rearrange compositions at a micro level, like nano technology only biological and far more sophisticated. everything about me is much more advanced than your civilization can throw at me. i'm a highly evolved bug and you won't be exterminating me today.'
my hand finds its way towards the knife at my belt, it's instinctive as if i have crossed a threshold and defaulted to stupid violence over reason. but before my hand can grip it a wave of pain hits me, an intense head ache and mind numbing wave of sound like a knife between my ears. i fall to the fall on my knees clutching my skull.
it stops as quickly as it begun. 'now, i don't wish to prove my point to the extreme but you should accept defeat and open a more constructive means of communication to surrender.'
my head clears slowly, my breathing calms down and i wipe away the tears in my eyes. 
what would burroughs do i think, what the hell would he expect me to do.
'what are you reading?'
'ah finally an intelligent line of inquiry. it's the third volume of dr. william reich's 'emotional trouble of mankind' otherwise known as 'people in trouble' are you familiar with it?'
'no, i'm not although i have read 'function of the orgasm' so i know of his work and i like the song orgone accumulator which was by hawkwind.'
'ah yes i do like hawkwind particularly their early stuff. bob calvert was a magnificent writer.'
'yeah i agree, did you ever hear 'amazing sounds amazing music?'
yes, when mrs vandermoon had wifi i was able to stream it, along with various other elements of your culture i find appealing and somewhat addictive.'
i swear the creature winked at me.
'do mean porn?'
'research.' human sexuality is of great interest to me.'
'why?'
'i am here undercover, from my hive. they sent me here amongst you to learn if it were possible to cross pollinate so to speak.' 
'what the fuck, are you kidding?'
'no, mrs vandermoon would make a suitable subject, she has the perfect hips and her organs are ripe for plundering.'
'that's insane. i can't let you do that, that's monstrous.'
'it's to late exterminator. far to late.'
revulsion overwhelmed me, how could this awful thing have impregnated poor mrs vandermoon?'
'how did you do it? how did you convince her?'
the creature stood up, it was tall and quite skinny, standing upon two strange long legs it brought it's claws up towards it's eyes, 'look, look, look mission. don't you know who i am fool?' and with that it ripped apart it's face and tore away the shell exposing burroughs.
'you failed your exams mission, never make a bug exterminator out of you. mush for brains, weak willed, no imagination, no gumption. just another cog in the machine mission.'
'but, but, but did you, how?'
'i fucked her alright, she was grateful for the attention, liked a bit of rough tradesman, ha ha ha! you think i really go around killing my own kind, you dope. you are the bugs. bugs upon this planet, you and your kind, eating it to death, plundering it's resources worse than a plague of locusts, more destructive than any ant colony, more sting in the tail than any wasp, more webs than any bug. people like riech and calvert pop up once in a blue moon to make your species appear worthwhile but what do you do, you lock em in institutions and call them insane. mission face it you are the bugs.'
'but why breed with us if that's how you feel about us.'
'we hold no moral claims over sex, we do what we want. to become stronger, faster, smarter, we push evolutions envelope by being diverse and unbounded by human morality, we are the colour and light in life, we are sound and vision while your human society is just a black hole in the great patterns of existence. you came from the monkey and you behave worse than primates. you develop culture a meaningless pursuit of no value to anyone but yourselves. you mate with one another and continue to produce the same entity. do you not think our agents are not out there attempting procreation with other species, we are everywhere. it's a reproductive war mission, war.'
burroughs marched towards me leaving a strange skin laying in a crumpled heap. he appeared human except i could make out his fingernails were black sharp claws and his eyes were big oval fly eyes, he wore his suit but the closer he got the more his human persona seemed to fall away.
he stood face to face with me, a wide grin upon his face as i was frozen and could not think of any conceivable action that i may take, then suddenly his face just began to throb and pulse, it changed shape slightly and a tear opened up like an over ripe plum. something crawled out from a rip in his head and within seconds the room was filled with thousands of flying creatures, they swarmed around the library like a tornado. i stood in the centre as it swirled around me. a deafening sound of millions of burroughs laughing and talking, then the black cloud seemed to implode, that is the centrifugal force reversed and in one solid whoosh the swarm came together in one solid form, burroughs again. he stood before me.
'you failed mission, you're a lousy apprentice and now it's my turn to exterminate you. let's face it, evolution is for those prepared to engage with it. the universe is indifferent to life's morality, it is only concerned with adaptation, diversity and survival.'
it was my turn to laugh, 'burroughs you crazy bug man, what exactly do you think i failed, a stupid test, an exam in pest control?'
'your whole species have failed, this is a war for the planet. we will destroy the males of your species and breed with the females, it's time for our kind.'
the dagger was in my hands and i threw it up in there air, burroughs watched it and using the distraction i shed my skin.
burroughs recoiled, 'what the fuck!'
exposed my skin gleamed in the soft light, purples and deep shades of blues reflected off my sheen.
'what the fuck is this mission?'
'it's the other side bug man.'
'what side? i don't understand. what are you?'
my tentacles wrapped around his face and body lifting him from the floor, his legs dangling and mouth hanging open as a jet of ink hit him hard in the face sending neurotoxins through his skin pores, paralyzing his body and mind. the thousands of tiny suckers independently gripping onto his body as he instantly succumbed to shock and the realisation he was not the only creature masquerading as a human. my tentacles squashed him to an unrecognisable pulp, black blood and guts shooting out across the room, his eyeballs falling slowly down the walls and a bit of brain hanging from the chandelier. i slid along the wet floor, undistracted by the visceral mess, my tentacles stretching out in all directions, searching for the rest of the muffin mrs. vandermoon had given me. such lovely raspberry and white chocolate, mmm, these humans may be fucked up when it comes to planetary consciousness but they do make exceedingly good cakes.