Saturday, April 02, 2016

back in london at my parents home we are preparing for a visit from my grandmother and some aunts and uncles, they are in transit from wimbledon. i am helping my mother prepare some food and my brother is playing with my son who is a baby. it's strange how time works in dreams, it seems to apply to different laws. 
at the back of my mind there's an anxiety eating away at me and while i go through the motions i feel it surge through my blood to a crescendo. i put down my vegetables, the big blade, tae off my apron, wash my hands, grab my car keys and sone and slip away. i gotta do this i whisper to jake who lays in the back seat wondering what;s going on as we head into the evening weaving through traffic. parts of london are day and other areas are night, the suburbs look familiar and yet unfamiliar as through i've been asleep for decades and just woken up, or have i been away. as we progress towards greater london i find myself surrounded by black cabs and police cars. i know i don't want the police to pull me over as i'm smoking a joint so i steer the car through some back streets and around a small roundabout. 
eventually i park and wander through a strange indoor mall. only it's not a mall it's more of a market, people crowd inside, there's so many people, a woman pushing a pram forces her way through the crowds and we follow in her trail, jake staring out at the faces and passing mass of shoppers. i notice some of the shops closing up. it's a mixture of people, black, brown white, asian, different ages and somewhere deep down i remember this is what i liked about london. cockney voices shout out, and i find myself in a baby shop with a bunch of girls who are looking through bargin bins and baby accessories, the shop is huge, i can't find an exit but eventually escape back into the maze where i turn a corner and suddenly reach the courtyard outside where a huge crowd gathers.
a woman speaks. she talks about all the wonderful things he did for the community that no one ever knew about until now. she is sincere and her black face wet with tears. i can hear her but although i am far away her white teeth flash out like a beacon as i move towards her.
i get as close as i can, this is what i came here for. 
it's over fast, the crowds disperse and i walk back to the direction of the car, this time around the outside of the complex. a man, my age grabs my arm, 'what did you think, good speech?'
yes i say, yes it was. i'm glad i came. i just had to be here.
'i didn't cry, but i feel sad,' he says.
tears are falling down my cheeks. i suddenly become aware they have been there for a while, 'it got me, you know, it got me deep.'
but he's gone, lost in the crowd and i have to return. i call my brother and ask if my family are there, he tells me they are pissed off i have left. my grandmother wants to see jake. she's travelled a long way to see both of us. all the family are shocked i just split.
i head home, i'll make it. i'm glad i went. i had to be there. i just had to and so did you i whisper to the sleeping baby, so did you.

when i wake up i know it's bowie. i can't sleep and wander down to write my report. maybe we all attended some ceremony in our private dream world, some individual temple constructed from fragments of songs, a mixture of his world and ours. maybe that's how we say goodbye.  

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