wow parents, they can be the worst influences, i guess they don't mean to most of the time and it's such a sensitive area, taboo to discuss, i mean outside of therapy it's unhealthy to discuss openly with them about issues and dynamics although i do with jakob, i try to be as open as possible until he gets bored or tells me to can it. but there are limits to disclosure, and this is appropriate, however for a writer there are no limits, everything is revealed and laid bare, it must be this way, for the writer reveals his soul in everything he creates.
i was reading irvine welsh, crime and secrets of the master chefs, two very heavy novels about families and dysfunctionality and environments that oppress and past catching up and loops and time, dialogue that scans like conversation, conversation that you could almost hear in any pub, welsh can write. he has the perception to look at a character and create him as flawed and desperate and unloveable and then you find yourself beginning to care, starting to love the beast. some people criticise me for reading welsh, why read something so negative, so dark and fucked up?
i don't know, it's not fun or easy going, it's compulsive and grotesque but raw and real i guess and these people who inhabit his world are people i kind of know, people i left behind, unsavoury and unlikable, but it's a darkness i am familiar with and like all mythological journeys we find the main character finds some sort of redemption at the end of their journey and it's this journey we all need to take really, at the age of 47 when you have had a few knocks, taken a couple of hits and dodged the killing joke, when your heart is not quite as light as it was, when your soul feels slightly heavier, it's time to start looking for some kind of closure. it starts with family and it should end with family, so i forgive everyone, my mum, my dad, my brother, far out people if you would just see me.
it's really all i can do on that score.
jake is getting ready, he's organising himself and doing a great job, i know he's nervous, anxiety sits heavy in this house anyway and it can't be easy with the environment but he does really really well, he smiles and jokes and gets what needs to be done done, he wins people over and he works hard, he uses the one thing that will send him far in this place, initiative.
i love you jake, you made a man who never really feel pride over any of his achievements, although loosing my virginity was a big moment, the rest i always felt like i was actually quite detached, a side effect of having a good imagination and being somewhat other worldly, but i never really felt proud about any thing, even the films i acted in i never really saw them, the photographs i took maybe one or two made me feel good but pride was not the word i'd use. pride they say is a sin. well i understand it has a negative connotation, but i think in this context i can say i don't care if it's a sin or not, i feel proud that you are who you are. i don't ask anything from you, just be happy, live true to yourself and never be afraid to love the people you care about.
i have ten more days with you jake, five of those you will be away at your friends, so that leaves 5.
five days to really do something mind blowing and brilliant.