i have been sick, wounded deeply, battle scared and world weary. there are times recently when i just wanted to wander away and die quietly, i have been self destructing, riddled with sadness and regret, and then in a beautiful space, surrounded by love and beautiful people, i did die, the second death in a week.

ayahuscia session last night with an oral dose of dmt, again deep healing, deep release, i had amazing visions, she came as a beautiful serpent, rich greens yellows and reds her blazing eyes, the jungle was alive the music in perfect time, invoking the serpent power, seductive and terrifing but beautiful but i have been so wounded these last few months, i have been lost and strayed from my true nature, i have been selfish and unkind and hostile and bitter and i have failed in friendships and generosity, i need forgiveness, from myself and from my Mistress, and i was thankfully given a deep healing. Divinity is Aya, she is my teacher and i have surrendered to her, but tonight in the throes of my absolution, i met the other force, him, behind everything, behind her, he says to me in his wonderful way, 'heal yourself, heal others and then you can heal the world.' it was a calling, a door has opened. he is there, the old old testament, figure, he is there, i understand now.

L and L, both so beautiful, so rich and powerful in spirit, i am so blessed to have shared my passage with you, i love you so much, for giving me the chance to die and be reborn. and to her, my mistress, you are my teacher, seducing me with your voice and dance, and grace. and behind all, is him. i never knew love like that and now its all i need to know.

i have to heal myself, and then brothers and sisters i will asssit you to heal, because your healing heals me.
such perfection, so elegant, so simple.