i surf each morning, the water gets warmer each day and today was lovely although choppy. my head feels the same way as thoughts rattle around and rebound on the walls of my brain or however that works, all i know is i feel slightly over people and their weird perceptions on me but that's okay, i shrug it off and move forwards, sometimes you gotta take the odd bullet just so others can feel okay, and sometimes they just don't know what they are even saying. often words are said in anger and actions follow, that's the cause and effect but occasionally the cause is based upon no evidence or false premise. even i didn't have all the information but it's amazing how malleable a mind can be when it's under attack and for the sake of the peace just accept the falsehood.

my doctor whom has helped me massivly through the last few years deducted my cough that has afflicted me over decades was not an infection at all but a form of reflux. i had undergone several tests and specialists, speculation from lung disease to mould poisoning to asthma often surfaced as everyone had their own take but my doctor suggested 'reflux' and prescribed me some medication which instantly fixed the issue. only i had forgotten all about it as this occurred over a year ago. 

when last weekend i started coughing again i just logically thought i'd picked up some bug from everyone i work with, as they were all sick. it wasn't anything else but reflux, fixed by one of those pills. but the damage was done, can't change the history or the intention, it's no ones fault but just the way things sometimes play out and although i carry no ill will or negative thoughts i do feel a sense of sadness that this type of misunderstanding or situation occurrs wen you least expect it and have no real defence due to circumstance.

it was nice to get a call from jake this morning, he arrived yesterday afternoon and had been to see his mother, things do not look good, it's pretty bad but he's prepared and strong. me, i'm still not sure what to make of the whole thing. i was wondering if I should attend the funeral, more outa respect for jake than her but the whole thing could backfire. those people hated me, they were cruel and behaved disgusting towards me, i have nothing to prove or any point to make but i wanna do the right thing, once i work that out.