bad news piles up upon bad news, like a pile up car crash on the motorway, in the rain, my teeth are smashed in, i'd like to say i got in a bar fight defending the honour of some girl who was being harassed by a radical band of extreme feminists or chinese agents of the cpp, but the truth is they were knocked out by a hospital camera that was halfway down my neck spying upon my heart which was failing it's duty to dance to the rhythm of life. anyways,  i have a row of missing teeth on my lower jaw. 

i returned to the dental clinic within the hospital yesterday for an investigative look at what kind of repair they would offer me, and the sad news is dentures. the kind your granny puts in a fizzy glass when she goes to bed. it's depressing.

anyways i looked into alternatives and the big one out there are implants but apparently you need a good bone within the gum to screw them into, and i have receding gums so that's me fucked. the next big challenge is in order to have the implants they will have to put cow bone into my jaw to act as a platform.  all this would cost around $50-$60 grand. that's basically my super which can be used for medical emergencies.

when i look back upon things i wish i had listened to all those ex girlfriends who warned me to stop smoking weed because of the chocolate i was scoffing down after in lieu of a nice carrot stick,  or the luxurious ice cream i gorged upon in my munchie fever instead of a nice green juice or some steamed vegetables.  ah well as soon as i fix that time machine...

decline in health is inevitable as i age, my friends age as well and we are all suffering form some ailment or the other. i gotta get thing in perspective here, i have my heart working and although it's taken a few blows and probably not quite as sharp as it could be my mind and brain are reasonable so together with my vital organs i guess i am lucky. i seem to recall a life when i was confined to some sort of iron lung, the morphine just outta reach...

i figure as soon as i start loosing my marbles and can't read a book or listen to an audio book i'm cashing in my chips. i don't wanna hang around in a badly designed body, if i were a dalek in pure form i could see the sense in encasing oneself in a metal type of robotic like shell. i must admit they could have used a better designer. i guess modern examples would be yer typical android shape. i don't know if i would make a good android, and then there's a whole bunch of new challenges like computer viruses, rust type illness. i mean an android has to look after itself just like a human. perhaps the only solution we have is to download consciousness into a computer simulation, but then one could argue that's exactly what we are. five to one baby, one in five. no one here get's out...

gotta keep laughing at it all. really what else is there to do, laughter is the best medicine.

down the street at the beach, heavy rainfall yet people surf, i watch the waves, the ocean is contemplative today as it's dark surface moves in gentle rhythm and harmony, despite the atrocious weather. i wander to the little cafe, where i meet with the dolphin people. we discuss many things, from artificial intelligence to colloidal silver to the joys of weed. it's short conversation as everyone had health appointments but it was quality. now it really is back to mission control to gather my thoughts as i walk into hospital yet again, this time the dental clinic. a nightmare indeed, i hope they give me loads of drugs.

lazy sunday, i'm up early wondering what to do with my day off, it's nice outside and i'm pulled in many directions, mostly pretty mundane and unexciting, i could do my washing, tidy the garden up, catch a train to the japanese bookshop, go hunting second hand shops for rare science fiction books, i could get stoned and turn up simple mind's 'reel to reel' while i write more bullshit or i could bake a cake. all these weird ideas float through my mind with a sort of non enthusiasm you find in these post jab years, i don't know it's a sunday.

then agent wilde rings to ask if i am not doing anything would i like to go to newcastle, to see sk play in a matinee performance at 1500. well i didn't have to think to hard, the muscle memory kicks into action and i almost say 'yes' before she has finished asking. i suggest i catch a train and meet her at newcastle but she invites me for a road trip with ryissa and offers to pick me up. this means i can smoke a spliff, have a drink and relax without the stress of trains, getting home and police intervention.

as we drive down the freeway in a lovely big sofa car, we chat about stuff, and  it's mostly hilarious. two things stand out. one is ryissa is a very incredible mimic, she impersonated all the characters from 'the league of gentlemen' with perfect accent and authentic accents. hearing her i was immediately cast back to the show, which we both agreed was the darkest comedy ever made. a blend of horror and comedy, often one was the same as the other, and you as a viewer were left shocked at the bizarre nature of what you were watching. 

the other thing was agent wilde finally giving me an answer to a question i had been asking for 30 years. in the uk when i was living at home with my parents we watched a documentary called QED and the initials stood for something latin that when translated meant, 'question everything...' but i could never recall what the d stood for.
agent wilde said in conversation always remember qed, question everything done!'
i was so taken aback by this missing jigsaw piece, the final one after such a long time, i was almost shocked. the girls thought this was funny but i couldn't begin to express just how much that meant to me. it's something that has puzzled me for so long and numerous attempts to uncover it ended in failure. 

it was a lovely journey to newcastle and great to spend time with such special people. i don't know many people but it was really lovely to feel like i had friends, real friends. thank you to both of them.

i arrived in newcastle feeling happy, it was refreshing for a change, this horrid cloud of bleakness had lifted and newcastle looked very interesting, new development and buildings, lost of cool people everywhere. the venue was in an industrial area, very nice place, lots of space, a distillery where they made gin. 

we met with sk and rachel who as usual were welcoming and busy doing their things, setting up and soundchecks. sk offered me his fave strain of weed, something called silver woman er it could be silver witch or silver something, i know it's not silver wizard. however it was recommended by a man who i imagine knows his weed. and let me just say here and now...sk has given me so much in my life. i know it's a clique and boring but soundtrack to my life, an appreciation of  words in songs, myths, the amazing music, the art, the exposure to him as a human and not rock god and the all round general bohemian wake he leaves as he creates his art. i even said to the girls on the way up he has a quantum mind, and i think he is from the future but whatever he is, he has given me heaps of knowledge experience wisdom and joy since i was about 15 years old so i am incredibly grateful. but silver witch, wow, it was not only a great flavour it was beautiful to smoke. now i am not an expert, i usually just smoke what ever i have as long as it's natural and grown wild, but i'm now a convert. 

the gig itself was fantastic, now i have heard all these songs before but it does feel like the first time hearing them played again, the sound today happened to be perfect, i could actually hear all the bass notes which was new as i enjoyed following them along, and his vocals were pure, clean and very strong sounding. the whole sound was crisp and clear, i was very impressed although sk said later from where he stood it didn't sound good. his stories between songs, again, i have heard them but they were hilarious and i was amazed at how much my memory fails me. sk puts on a show, gives 100% and i have to say, it's never just a guy playing songs, it's a mix of everything, and i came away thinking this experience is theatrical. everything about it, the linking of the narrative told a story, it had a beginning, middle and end' it was 'improvised in part' there was music, story, laughter and tears, it contained elements of pathos and despite the tragic elements it made you laugh and filled you with a sense of joy that from out of all that experience was forged a fantastic human being who not only reached the potential of a picassio has a lot more to offer his audience down the time line. (he is from the future)

it was also interesting to watch how he won the crowd over, they were slightly apathetic at first but he engaged them and drew them in and they responded very well. i guess thats another art form in itself.

i dunno, i'm getting old, my health is beginning to decline and i may die at any point in time, but i have to say i have had some interesting and beautiful experiences, seeing sk play in a band or alone, listening and learning, being part of a stange group of individuals who all orbit around him, this has given me a lot of joy. i don't normally like being part of anything, any clique, group, gang, thing. but this small group always makes me happy and i genuinely care deeply for all of them, it's strange for me, i'm slow to know, slow to warm to people and yet i deeply care for the church family.

during the show i caught up with dave and his lovely wife, we had a chat about the damned gig coming up, and it was great to see him again, unfortunately they disappeared after the show so i never got to say bye.

later was beautiful, the sun drenched street of a funky newcastle suburb, with it's outdoor food, cafes and kooky shops looked a lot like a side street of glebe, i really liked the vibe of the city despite only being there three times before. i gotta say we had a lovely evening. 

driving home was again a great journey, we all agreed the sound was crisp and clean and the gig was a success. apparently it was quite spontaneous and arisen only a week or so before hand so there was some uncertainty about numbers. it seemed pretty packed in there, but it was a spacious venue, high ceilings, warehouse- like so it might have appeared somewhat vacant but this was deceptive, all the seats were taken up and the audience response was loud and appreciative. 

these are our twilight years, i don't mind them if i can occasionally have days like this. who knows what's going to happen anymore, i just would like to die smiling, knowing i had met one of my heroes and it was a good trip, all that 'never meet your heroes' stuff i believed turned out to be false. you should meet your heroes because in some strange way you also get to meet yourself or perhaps what you aspire to be like.

on the way home the big bright moon follows us, and we speak about where we saw ourselves when we were younger, ryissa says she thought she would be independant, travelling and free but then she met her partner for 24 years. 

me, i thought i would be living in burma, sri lanka, bali, or some exotic island writing novels, getting stoned and married to some olive skinned native who cooked nice fish dinners and offered me the occasional coconut. instead i ended up looking after all these people with strange behaviours and abilities and came to understand everyone is disabled in some way, some people just are better at covering it up than others.

'if you want to make god laugh, tell him your plans,' they say.

and over my shoulder gods always laughing. that's why i like him so much.

it was a great day.

thank you to everyone. 

 

the sad thing about me is i will not surrender to something i cannot respect, understand or love. it's why i never took the knee to the black lives matter fiasco, not because they are a corrupt neo marxist ideology disguised as some sort of charitable empathetic organisation but because all lives matter.  i just happened to know they had hidden agendas.

i don't support the feminist movement, especially when clementine ford is looked up to as an ambassador of it, she may be the abc darling and spokeswoman of the left but she is a moron filled with hate towards jewish women and all males, except her son who you have to feel sorry for. being against marriage does not make you a feminist clemy, let me tell you there are plenty of men who are against it as they end up giving everything away in divorce, it doesn't work the other way around. but that's not the reason i dislike feminism in it's contemporary incarnation, it's because it's current figureheads are more masculine than most men. they are aggressive, angry, hostile and reject all feminine qualities.  

i don't support extremists of all denominations, disguises or rebranding if it is based upon hate or coercion. how fashionable it is to bend the knee at one point was indicated by all the dumb stickers on facebook, same as those stupid vaccinations which people were forced to take or shamed into taking them. shamed by virtue signalling idiots who follow crowds like the zombies they are. 

same with all these woke things, fuck off you morons. stop telling me how i should speak and think. go read 1984 and then read animal farm and perhaps we can have a conversation, but until then leave me alone.

no unfortunately i stand up straight for my own beliefs and i don't shove them down peoples necks like my opponents and adversary's. believe whatever you want, but leave me alone. it really is simple, the moment you start telling me what i need to do or whom i need to follow is the moment you loose me. 

unfortunately i have a free mind, an an individuality that will not bend. i tried it when i was a kid wanting acceptance, it doesn't work. at the end of the day i can only be who i am.

so, if you don't like it fuck off. i really don't care. i used to but these days i rather be alone than surrounded by idiots, zombies and the woke, who are really just asleep but dreaming they are awakened. 

 

england is finished, i've been watching it's decline over the decades and now i can report, it is finished, fallen, taken over by the insane, marxist, islamo-facsist, green left ideologies that infect it's population. 
the scenes from london yesterday prove that the govt. cannot function out of fear. it is the end and because they have been so slow to acknowledge the threat they will fall further unless something radical is done. but who is brave enough to take on the enemies of 'reasonability.' 
certainly not labour which is riddled with neo socialist facsist nut jobs, or the conservative party who are basically globalist appeasers who don't seem to demonstrate any difference between their political opponents.  

the british institutions are infected with this sickness as well, and about 40% of the public. it was only a matter of time. history is a pattern, it may not repeat itself exactly but it does reoccur. every generation faces the same challenge, no matter how tolerant you are, how much do you tolerate intolerance, how much does a value system that offers freedom compromise itself to one that does not?

the answer has been slapping us in the face for years. i saw it early and escaped it, but it's hot on my heels, snapping at my feet. it's only a matter of time. 

i finished reading 'the shards' and am still a little uncertain how i feel about the ending. it was an excellent read however, i really enjoyed it despite the uncomfortable gay sex scenes i thought it was brilliantly written and constructed. the setting was la in the 80's and the book had a soundtrack written into it which i appreciate o  number of levels. the images evoked were the uber privileged rich white kids attending a high end college all caught up in the wake of a new arrival who may or may not be a serial killer. 

the conclusion seemed a bit hasty, all points converging to a confrontation between the protagonist and the adversary. the fact brett himself is the main protagonist and writes himself into what could be perceived as a true story about his youth just before he completed 'rules of attraction' gives us a meta fiction that sucks us inside that ambiguous liminal space where we can't really know if what we are reading is autobiographical or not. i liked all the plot devices but the ending is unresolved within me, i like it but it feels unfinished. however in some ways it's the perfect ending. 

yesterday i took a day off, something i hardly ever do and thought i would go to the 'never gain means now' show of support for jews and israel in the centre of sydney. it was to highlight the fact most jews had been targeted by the left, the greens, the islamists and the media, not to mention the police. they felt unsafe in australia and were having to hide their identity, there had been several episodes of attacks. i have not been to any kind of demonstration or protest since i was a teenager and figured this is something i need to do, not just for myself but a community under siege and for a country that is completely misrepresented by it's enemies and the morons that believe everything they are fed by media. when it comes to minorities israel is a good example, when it comes to racism jews are another, in fact the truth is you can critique israel and the jews as much as you want, but to lie blatantly is a different story, and to hold it to a different standard is the definition of antisemitism, in my book at least. and that's the problem, isreal is held to a completely different standard than any other country on earth. 

a few truths, there is no apathied, gaza is not and has not been under occupation for nearly 20 years and gaza is not an open air prison (it has 5 star hotels and resorts) and israel has been supplying gaza with electricity and water for years free off charge because hamas blew up the infrastructure. but never let the truth get in the way of a good nazi. 

so i finish my chores and set off, at 10am thinking i will give myself plenty of time to get to the city, wander around and then attend the demo but as usual in this weird week, everything went wrong. the train i was on stopped over the hawksberry river and remained there for over an hour. it was meant to take me to central but some urgent track work was necessary before it could continue. eventually after over an hour it continued only to stop at the next station and announce it was terminating. 
the next train was an hour away and instead of going directly to central this one went the long way around, stopping at all these weird suburbs and using up the chunk of time i had left. eventually i arrived in sydney at exactly 3pm when the demo commenced. i had to sprint across a park to get there for 1520 where a number of people gathered, mostly christians, jews and persians. 

warren mundine made a great speech, jackie lambie added a typical barrage of her direct no-nonsense nonsense, fortunately i missed scott morrison's speech ( a man i can't stand )
i wandered through the crowd of about 8000 people, lots of flags and a very cool art instillation representing the murdered people, you could walk around, each human cut-out displaying some form of art. 
some christians sung a hymn with a rock band, it was a sort of gospel sounding and some maoris and pacific islanders all dressed in blue and white lined up to the right of the stage. 
i noticed a cute looking woman and we exchanged smiles but it was not really the place to flirt so i moved on, into the centre of the crowd and noticed a vast cross section of people from all over, but it was the persians that stood out most with their lion flags. i spoke to many, all saying how much they loved the jews and israel and that iran was under a dictator who would not let his population live freely. 
i didn't stick around, swallowed up as i left into the hordes of citizens out sunday night. i made my way to the japanese bookshop where i picked up brett easton ellis's 'lunar park' and then boarded another train for the return journey which itself was delayed for 30 mins. 

when i got home i had almost finished 'the shards' and although i fell asleep i remember thinking how much i had enjoyed reading it. wondering how it would conclude.
my last thoughts were on the week being so weird and challenging for me, i should have just taken the week off and stayed home. but it would be coming to an end soon, a new one, better. 

i got the hospital blues. i finish work at 2300 get home for midnight, i wake up at 0500 and get organised for a 0700 appointment at hospital where they prep me for a strange electric shock treatment. i managed to read a fair chunk of my book while they hooked me up to various sensors, took blood, blood pressure and various measurements, at one point i imagined a man in a suit and bow tie would come in with a tape measure and size my dimensions for a coffin. they rolled me into the operating theatre and i had a nice chat with the surgeon who was a fellow londoner, he laughed at my cockney accent and witty comments as they talked about sending a camera down my throat to check for clotting and then said they would send the shockwave through me if it was safe. i had already signed the disclaimer as the procedure comes with a risk of death. 
then they administered the anaesthesia. 
i woke up in a ward later with a nurse standing over me. the doctor came along and asked how i was, 'i could murder a coffee,' i replied. 
'well captain mission, there is good news and bad news.'
'bad news first doc.'
'we put the camera into your mouth and got the visuals we needed from your heart but when we pulled out the camera it knocked out some teeth.'
i nodded, feeling around my mouth, ahh yeah, all my front teeth were missing. then i noticed the blood. let me just mention, there was a shitload of blood spilling out my mouth and all over the sheets. 
'the good news is the electric shocks worked.'
i lay back, and fell asleep. i was not allowed to drive or use public transport for 24 hours so i caught an uber home and had a shower and went to sleep. during the night blood seemed to pump out continually from my mouth, sometimes in large clots.

as i hovered above my sink spitting out the mess massive globules of blood would just fall out, it was weird. i must have had about 5 runs to the bathroom during the night and in the morning my sheets and pillow cases were stained from drool and dribble. it wasn't until about noon today the bleeding stopped. 

i wandered around the house a bit dazed from the post anaesthesia, i tried to eat but it's hard without front teeth. 

my friend from new zealand rang and we had a great chat and then i must have passed out and had a dream i had a time machine and travelled through space and time like dr, who, only i was sexier and dressed more casually. i had two assistants, female and they always wanted to have sex with me, and we basically travelled time and space looking for good weed. sometimes we went to strange alien cities, sometimes up and down earths very own time lines, sometimes we just stayed in and listened to the church or early simple minds. it was a nice dream.

 

a forgotten classic.

 

i have a strange relationship with paul weller and his projects, i loved the jams first album but thought a lot of other releases were a bit mediocre, good but not good enough and then style concel wrote a few nice tunes and solo i loved about 60% of his output, heavy soul, wild wood, the new stuff. i've seen the jam, and paul weller a number of times but last night i somehow found myself at the opera house. the band were excellent, they played really well and the songs were good and some were excellent. the lesser known ones from that sunset album especially. what really surprised me was the audience, all ex pats, all older, not one young person in sight, yet everyone was on their feet. it was weird.

anyways, i enjoyed some of it. i wish i had seen simple minds a day before but seeing as they played two sets in the same night i felt i would not get 100% and when it comes from simple minds that's what you want. although this would have been excellent right...

ahh finally a lone day to myself, i'm exhausted from the various demands, the external pressures and the strange anticipation about an upcoming procedure that i though would be fairly straightforwards but is now proving quite complex. i really don't want to die or become seriously sick which means i have to trust whatever process these doctors and technicians will provide while i am anesthetized.  however these days as i inwardly am pessimistic i must adopt a brave front for all around, and set my controls for the heart of the sun, in more ways that one. 

out of the blue an old friend rang and we had a good chat, he's moved up to mullinbimbi, although he spends a lot of time in sydney. i must admit it was good to hear his voice, really good. a sane man, a wonderful man actually, the kind of guy i would have been happy to be jakes godfather if i were able to go back in time. his mother made all those decisions and chose a woman i never heard from or see. not that i believe in all that stuff, but i guess if something happened to me when jake was very young i would have liked a male figure to step in as mentor. my friend would have been a perfect guy but i didn't know him back then. anyways we chat about fatherhood, expectations, women, music, the world wars and mutual acquaintances. 

my work is disheartening, i feel no energy to do anything, same at home, as if caught in some weird spiders web. i do manage to find a way into some markets, which will motivate me. i just need a few days to line up. i figure i can move quite a lot of stuff, if i sell cheap. this will clear out a lot of space at mission control.

i speak to my friends in nz and defer my plans to visit pending my procedure. i miss them a lot but need to be healthy.

ah well, loose ends must be tied up i guess. 

six years before i moved to sydney, a few k's down the way from this venue simple minds played there, this very gig. in this early incarnation simple minds were unstoppable, a phenomenal mix of musicians, and a rhythm section that basically couldn't ever be surpassed. i've seen simple minds many times but never in their original form with derek forbes on bass. new gold dream had just come out and there was no looking back. from this moment simple minds would fill stadiums and nothing could ever be the same. 

i certainty do not begrudge them success but the band that played stadiums were a different band to the one that started out. i like both but my heart is in those formative years when it really was a new gold dream.

i awake within a dream, my excursions into dream yoga have become more and more vivid, transcending the lucid state.  thanatos and hypnos are siblings, very close and dreaming this deep is a preparation for death. i am in strange environments, unafraid but cautious, it is a dark place with bursts of colour, faces stare from the edges, some human, others animals. i expand, overwhelming it all. above the skies i look down at the earth, it's beautiful in it's fragility. a vital pearl of life in an ocean of...
...time obliterates. there is nothingness except peace. a peace so deep it's beyond sleep, beyond death. i feel immaculate, there is no desire to return to sleep, to living. peace like this obliterates the body and the mind, only some form of consciousness remains, the kind that feels like a drop in an ocean. eventually i will awaken, eventually the morning sunlight will activate my pineal gland, the process will begin. pulling me out of the tranquility towards life.
i wake up and literally jump out of bed. it's been a few weeks since i did that. there's an overwhelming sense of boundless energy and positivity running through me, an electricity propels me to the next moment, coffee, breakfast, shower, dressed for the day i am bathed in sunlight now, everything in place. i'm unlocked and loaded, my aim is true. 

 i manage to get myself to training this morning, it's a hard slog as i am exhausted and functioning at half capacity, my arrhythmia seems to have kicked in and by the time i meet my trainer i'm puffed out. we decide to do some low impact stuff today so i suggest a walk, it's humid already but the water looks good despite the dark surface, waves are breaking and i feel it's pull, however under my current health i wouldn't risk it. maybe tomorrow if i'm back to normal. as i walk i see all the people, so many people out and about. it's incredible. we ascend the skillion, up to where in winter whales drift passed and if you stay long enough you can see them breaching.  as i drive back i think the coolest place to be is in my car as the air con is very effective. 

at home write a few messages, have a lot of stuff to do but cant find the energy and instead i fall asleep on the lounge room sofa only to be awoken by my water dragon who is demanding food. i have some blackberries and he likes them. he has a diet of different fruits and seems to enjoy them all but i don't want him dependant upon me. he only comes along when the screen door is open or he sees me. it's like having a puppy. 

the whole day feels like it's going to burst forth with rain. i sink into a short sleep, my eyes are so heavy with a strange heaviness, i just can't keep them open. ah, yeah i took some melatonin, that's why. that stuff really knocks me out. it's not the usual melatonin you get in health food shops, this stuff is super strong and only available on script. it really is amazing!  the quality of sleep is so deep as well, i'm really grateful i have access to it but it cannot be over used. 

so a couple of days to myself, to restore my batteries and prepare for ye hospital procedure in a couple of weeks. i have to get some blood tests next week and then we can have a look and see if there are any deficiencies. i have a feeling i'm pretty good but i guess we will confirm that soon.