Monday, May 16, 2022

in contrast from yesterday slight rain falls through the afternoon, bleak clouds overhead and we are indoors, lazing around. i have managed to pick up a copy of alister reynolds new revelation space novel, 'inhibitor phase;' the fifth novel set in the revelation space time line, it's my fave contemporary sci-fi sequence  so i am happy to read. 
i try to spend a bit of time with my father but he exhausts easy and has great difficulty being mobile, hearing is also a huge problem hence everyone shouts and that really is something i find difficult to deal with but i understand why. my dad is 93, he's still sharp but jaded and his intellect is frayed, although he still possesses an engineers mind, it's the focus of his concentration that is damaged, unable to pay attention for to long to any one thing, however if i give him some challenge he will do his best to solve it, maybe it's 'purpose' that he needs. i see that as a huge issue around aging, loss of purpose. our society aging is just waiting around to transform back to spirit, it's almost like a slow phase of shutting down. i see elements of this in dad, a reversion to an almost youthful innocence. 
fortunately i personally have a healthy attitude towards death, in the scene i have had so many i am familiar with it's process but i don't want to loose the people i love, their loss in this realm is my own.
one has to adopt a cosmic perspective lest be overwhelmed. i tell jake i think i will take control of my aging, and my exit from the physical. he's so lovely he wants to look after me when i am older but i say i will remain independent until i can't and then i will take my leave. i may need him to administer the shot. irony huh?

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