well well well, there's a surprise, a turn up for the books, just when i thunk it impossible. just at the 12th hour as the clock that ticks and tocks finally come towards its final tock.
i'm sleeping in my deep state, at peace. i have let go of it all. and at 0230 it's hardly surprising as there's nothing but the promise of REM sleep and the some delta programming on channel zzz...

i am awoken to bright white light pouring in through the windows, aliens i think. spectral forms move past the perimeter, i see humanoid shapes and whisperings. then a loud banging at my door. i search for my telephone, it's switched off and lays by my bed. i notice a stream of missed calls and texts from ms mission. i respond and she says, 'has the ambulance arrived?'
at the door stand two concerned medics, 'i'm okay,' i whisper and they leave quickly disappearing into the strange smoke-filled night as though called to an emergency in the physical realms.
where am i? i wonder.
ms mission arrives soon after. 
she presents herself as concerned about me and although i am jaded and somewhat exhausted offers me commitment.
have i already moved through her?
did we have our moment and did it pass or is this a trap?
is this bit real?
is this another test for me?
some sort of clever manipulation, some sort of weird set up.'
i am so damaged from the last year i don't know what to think and words pour out from my fragile head that i don't understand.
time seems to skip and i end up down the beach with her looking at a blazing red ball of sun, it's quite spectacular as it comes up over the water and creates a pathway straight to us.
i don't know, is this bliss now?
am i in ignorance?
it feels so good. is this the fork on the end of the steak. did the glamour infiltrate me completely utterly and am i selling my soul to it in female form.
we say a long goodbye, a tantric event occurs but it's a cycle, and we both feel it, overwhelming sensuality, a deep profound love. i have to heal from whatever damage i have sustained, this is me time now, it's a matter of survival. 
the hit i have taken is terminal, i was to dumb to see i have been bleeding out for the last 8-9 months.
bleeding out!
that's what has been happening. 



  


  

ego tripping- flaming lips

magic and loss
lou reed

When you pass through the fire
You pass through humble
You pass through a maze of self doubt
When you pass through humble
The lights can blind you
Some people never figure that out
You pass through arrogance, you pass through hurt
You pass through an ever-present past
And it's best not to wait for luck to save you
Pass through the fire to the light
As you pass through the fire
Your right hand waving
There are things you have to throw out
That caustic dread inside your head
Will never help you out
You have to be very strong
'Cause you'll start from zero
Over and over again
And as the smoke clears
There's an all-consuming fire
Lying straight ahead
They say no one person can do it all
But you want to in your head
But you can't be Joyce
So what is left instead?
You're stuck with yourself
And a rage that can hurt you
You have to start at the beginning again
And just this moment
This wonderful fire started up again
When you pass through humble
When you pass through sickly
When you pass through
I'm better than you all
When you pass through
Anger and self-deprecation
And have the strength to acknowledge it all
When the past makes you laugh
And you can savor the magic
That let you survive your own war
You find that that fire is passion
And there's a door up ahead; not a wall
As you pass through fire, as you pass through fire
Trying to remember its name
When you pass through fire, licking at your lips
You cannot remain the same
And if the building's burning
Move towards that door
But don't put the flames out
There's a bit of magic in everything
And then some loss to even things out

Van Morrison - dark night

I am a dead man who walked into a dead hotel on a dead-end road.

The hotel was old and made of ancient bones, some human, some animal and some alien-looking shapes I would never have recognised if it was not for my extra-terrestrial adventures. There was piped music playing as soon as I walked through the big swing door, a tune I recognized, Talking Heads, ‘Heaven.’

Sweet, I thought, nice ambient touch, soft candlelight flickered to give the air of a séance. Lush plush velvets and burning incense. The woman at the front desk was a dead ringer for a woman I once knew, she was older with grey hair and looked sadder than a country and western song. I offered her a gold coin and she beckoned me to sit down for a reading.

The hanged man.

Death.

And the lovers.

She looked into my eyes and whispered, ‘I only ever seen eyes that black in one man and he’s long dead.’

Her gaze penetrated but she couldn’t see past the wounded history she was recalling.

‘What do the cards say?’

‘You are a ghost.’

‘Am I?’

‘You come to haunt me?’

‘Is that why I am here?’

‘I don’t know, yet. I got a feeling you and I have unfinished business.’

‘Am I a memory or a disembodied spirit?’

She looks at me shocked, ‘It can’t be you, you are dead.’

‘So you say but then you know ghosts very well right?’

‘I spend my youth playing with them. Then I forgot all about them until I met…you.’

I pick up the lovers card, it’s from a much worn and frayed deviant moon pack.

‘These look familiar. Had them long.’

‘Yeah, a long long time.’

‘I remember when you got them.’

‘It is you.’

She steps down and towards me, a hand reaches out for my cheek but passes right through me.

She starts to cry.

‘Why did you return, have you come to haunt me?’

‘No. I came to liberate you.’

She smiles briefly and for the first time an affectionate look crosses her face.

‘You already did that.’

‘And now I return once more to complete unfinished business.’

‘What does that mean Mission.’

I reach out to touch her cheek and she looks in disbelief as my fingers pass through her.

She is shaking, ‘What does this mean, I can’t touch you and you can’t touch me.’

‘You always were and always will be my equal. Now I have come to take you home.’