the narcotic sex scent of elderberry mixed with absinthe, the strange impulsive flesh machinery, biological chemical but mostly neurological my impulse engine is throbbing captain.
i am orbiting a galaxy of desire. my thrusters are firing, penetrating new frontiers in pornographic details. 
the slow motion, fast action like a machine with it's over riding program, hacked and fire-walled, there's blood on the tracks, slaughter in the air. someone else inside me, someone could get skinned. 
how? 
my my, i just can't say know. 
i'm the beauty, she's the beast. 
night time, unreal time. i figure it all when i'm laying on the bed staring at the ceiling. it reminds me of my grandmothers home, high ceilings with some sort of intricate pattern blended into the design. 
for a while i just gaze at it thinking it is wooden and then painted over but i'm informed by my friend it's tin. and as she say's the word tin, she adds, faraday, which i mistake as far away. far away cage.
she's very smart, angelica, an old soul.
the strange thing about the cottage is we went for a walk, we started out early looking for a pizza place, but quickly became lost even though we knew we were only very close to the cottage. the more we walked the stranger the whole experience became, as every time we looked up, there were the same street names. two different ones. i suggested we find the main street and retrace our steps but we never got there, instead we just walked and walked in strange loops. 
i found a two dollar coin, i gave it to her. 
she found a two dollar coin and she gave it to me. 
when we got back to the cottage and the room we drunk two bottles of water each and smoked some weed.
conversations started in one place and spun in strange patterns and trajectories, i was spellbound by two things, the energy and the intellect, but there was a power in her mind i liked. 
we stayed in the far away cage until morning. 
when we departed and went our seperate ways i slipped into the other dimension, and it seemed so ordinary. 

your aids to evolution?
you steal things, you lie, you have a mighty ego. you seek conquest, you want adoration, you compete and spread rumour. these are your aids to your own evolution, not mine.
you never walked away from a partnership, you were abandoned. 
my evolution, man you would never even fathom it. 

i'm in the hyatt regency with my cousin, he's over from canada on an around the world tour and it's his first time in sydney. he's here for one day only and we are eating a massive breakfast, catching up. 
i want to show him the sights, as much as i can in a day so i'm already planning the important parts over coffee. we swap a few family stories, he tells me about his divorce and the fall out. 
divorce is always hard for the men, we are dumb stupid creatures in a marriage, get dependant and comfortable, start sliding into neglect, we cease thinking and fall into comfort zones and fluffy cotton wool dreams where everything is easy and if it gets to hard we have a wife to fall back on. 
i lived with these guys for a while, watched their family, it was never really going to work out, i knew that back then. however he needs a sympathetic friend and i being family i fall into the role.
later i tell him a truth i hope he appreciates.
when i stayed with them he was an animal, a heat seeking focused missile whose only target was making money. she spent it, he earns it. he was so obsessed nothing else mattered, i mean nothing. 
occasionally there are people who have these qualities, its psychotic in a way and something i wish i had, sometimes.
anyway you cannot have a healthy family life and pursue this business obsession at the same time, the two opposite energies, and one sacrifices the other. eventually both are damaged and because women are smart they have already planned for survival mechanisms in advance.
anyway he wants to live in sydney, he falls in love with the city, the women, the sun, the water, the lifestyle. he's in shock, most people don't understand the hedonistic pleasures sydney is geared up for. it's attractive, sensual and sexy, and everyone wants to live here. we take a boat out, i show him the opera house, the bridge some other landmarks. 
we walk around the opera house and he's amazed at its structure, we wander through the botanical gardens, we go up counterpoint tower, into world square and china town, back into darling harbour and cockle bay, towards bangaroo, where we have dinner.
it's a good day, i hope he does come out and live in sydney, he seems to really love the place. i know he is lonely in canada. he asks me all the time if i am lonely here on my own.
i say no, i'm very content in my own company and do not require people to make me happy.
he is envious, i see it in his eyes.
i remind him he has the money, whereas i struggle.
we say goodbye, he has a need to get the last word in, i guess being older he needs to feel responsible. i don't really have an attachment to ego so for me i can just smile but he's suffering. he is thinking about death and wants a clean slate with everyone,
i tell him to relax, by the time my slate is clean we will all be dead.

couldn't get down this morning as i was in buddha cafe meeting these important peoples, and all day i felt this annoying money on my back, get back get back, get back in the surf. so i drove down in the afternoon and was surprised at the crowd, i went to park in a space and some girl who had driven passed the space and was some way ahead just reversed really quickly and wound down her window.
'oh that's my space.'
'have it, i am not going to fight over it.' i say all relaxed and chilled amicable like a buddha.
'i was here first, i want that space.'
'it's yours,' i repeat.
'getting angry now she says, 'i have shit i need to do today and i was here first.'
'we all have shit to do, why don't you park your car and let me drive away from you.'
'i was here first,' she yells out.
man i drive around the corner park and have a surf. my neighbour is in the water, we chat. there's a storm coming, big surf and chop. i'm catching a couple of waves and struggling with the rip.
later i wander through the car park, i see the ladies car in the space. it has a parking ticket, she was only allowed to stay there for 30 mins. 
that's the way it is with me sucker. i sit down opposite and have a drink and about twenty minites later she appears in her car at the exit where she has to give way. i can see the look of madness in her eyes, an angry fucked up unit of loathing. i smile at her when she sees me sitting opposite, you were there first, i whisper.

it appears solid, yet it is just a cloud, dark and ominous hanging over the beach filling one half of the sky. the other half is ridiculously blue but the blazing sunlight cannot penetrate the dark cloud and the water in it's shadow threatens menace. 

there's three swimmers this morning, all hover near the shoreline as i pass them by wading out into the surprisingly warm water. no waves. 

it's all very dramatic and after yesterdays shark sighting people are nervous but we are surfers and the call of the water over rides every logical impulsion. 

forty minites later i'm drinking coffee in the sunlight, reading newspapers. the day is about to begin and it's not even 0700.

my problem with love is that it is a state of inertia. it embraces the idea of acceptance, and being. all great ideas in theory but reality is composed of friction and doing, not being. nothing real just is being, things are doing. even the universe is in flux, love just is surrendering to something other than the self. yet the self is in conflict all the time, a discordant march of identity, ideas and beliefs, always changing and moving, never still. 
yes i love my son, but i do not accept everything he chooses to do i should love, i don't love the fact he smokes cigarettes or drinks alcohol. 
love cannot be the end point, it is the beginning of something, maybe a process whereby surrendering to something greater be it, another person, an animal, an idea or a piece of art we are now in a position to see where that takes us. however the truth of the matter is it may drive us but we are not driving it. is love loss of self control? a little perhaps, maybe it's just wanting the best for someone, but people are complex. they don't always want the best for people they claim to love. after all people are driven by demons, ideologies and their own beliefs that have propelled them, be it jealous ones or political. love is the place where people feel safe.
i am reminded of a friends wise words. 
i was on auto pilot  not thinking in a social situation, i was saying goodbye.
'take care,' i said.
'no. take risks,' he replied.
risks move us and keep us alive, or at least living. 
we must calculate them obviously, but without risk we are nothing. i suggest that we incorporate love with risks, therefore do with love. lest we are just dreamers alive and dreaming about what could be. that's fine and i see value in this, for dreamers have a place but like smoke dreams are pointless unless they have substance which is why dreams require deep understanding, not dismissal upon awakening. 
for a long sleep i dreamt of being, it was nice, safe and unusual but now i must wake up. wake up with me, let's do something amazing!

the surf, every morning has been large but weak, not enough to propel me but big enough to play in, me and a handful of enthusiastic diggers whom have joined me. 
we splash around for an hour.
a big cloud blocks the sun and i swim in its shadow.
in that moment everything changes. some dormant sensory apparatus kicks in and i'm aware of my celestial place. my solar plexus opens up and drinks in electromagnetic radiation, feeding my cells, feeding my bones. i almost feel the spiral currents of bone breathing light, in it's strange dance through my body.
portals open up, communication channels appear clear, transmissions begin.
later i get a text from someone organising a ufo conference and another for a cosmic consciousness conference, they are promoting sone event, and ask if i will attend. i am not interested in these things, out grown them, and cynical of events and people. i notice the ticket is $400 and it's being held in byron bay.
'do aliens exist?' the banner asks.
well if you don't know now i guess you will always be asking that question. 
i delete the messages and dismiss the sender.
the industry of aliens, ufo's and consciousness has become absurd, filled with ego's and profits. not my cup of tea at all. 

i've been in peculating mode with my novel, just sitting on the whole thing like an egg incubating. some ideas have arisen, slight changes, details and diversions. i'm going to start at the end, embellish some scenes and fill out some details. my editor is good, i trust her completely. she has good ideas and has been working hard on the first draft. 

i'm very excited about this.

driving down at sunrise through early morning fog, the first blast of sunlight hits the car windscreen obliterating everything in a vast wash. i can no longer see the road, the trees, other cars and i know there is a cyclist in front somewhere so i have to slow down to a crawl. even the white line that informs my lane has vanished.
everything disappeared for about three minutes, i was lost. it was frightening, and strange. if i stopped a car behind me would drive into me, if i pulled over where would i go? 
i put my beam on but it disappeared into the white light, swallowed by the source of everything. how ironic. 
use the force mission, it's strong with you. it is, i did, and i found circumstances changed as the road curved around, and even though when i parked i faced the sun again it was not so bad.
once out there in the water the surf was massive, but weak, not great conditions. i did enjoy a splash and play but couldn't really catch any waves. the water was surprisingly warm, a few old people swam past and looked at me with my fin. 
the sun and the sea kickstarted my day. 

the void has called me, through dream yoga. it obliterates the known like a devouring god. 
all thoughts are energy, and all thoughts of the void feed its growth. 

'you are alive, that means you have, a responsibility.'
'i'm not a super hero.'
'yes you are captain mission, you are captain mission.'
'afraid not. you have got confused along the way, it can happen. i've seen it occur many times, it's easy to get confused when you focus upon me, i'm a massive rorschach test.'
'stop it mission, stop fucking with me.'
'sorry babe, i know it's hard to accept but find someone else to focus upon.'
'fuck off mission.'

i'm the void, i devour you. my words and thoughts infiltrate your mind as it is weak and vulnerable. it is defenceless and filled with candy floss. it really wants to believe in all the nice things life has to offer, things like love, joy and bliss. but these are infants dreams. life is a howling storm of chaos and conflict and you protect yourself from the truth with idiot walls and ideals.

'but i believed in you.'
'you believe in your idea of me, but not in me. and that is the cause of your sickness.'
'i'm not sick! you have to have something to believe in, something to look forwards to, my grandfather always told me that.'
'i believe in death and life. i look forwards to both.'
'you are horrible.'
'no. i am free.'