in the inferno of london, tempratures sizzle, records are broken but there is no respite outside of cold beer, air conditioning, off which there are very few places that seem to have this luxury due to council regulations on emmissions. the heat is overwhelming, my mothers apartment is sweltering and it appears the car is the coolest place to be. my brother has lent me his car and in the evenings i take mum out for shopping adventures, a few dinners and some juants around the local area. at the moment the sun sinks around 9pm so wer enjoy the twilight hours although it's still very hot. at night it's impossible to sleep as i'm covered in a layer of sweat and the atmosphere is overwhelming. it's hard to breath. i usually stay awake until 4am and as the faint dawn offers glimpses retire to bed, where i may sleep for 6 hours. 

i've been watching 'peeky blinders' which is better than i thought it would be, in fact it's excellent. much better than 'the soprano's.' the acting is sensational, the script amazing and the soundtrack full of surprises. but it is a great story and completely captivating, no wonder bowie loved it.

currently reading my first adrian tchaikovsky book, 'shround' which is science fiction and so far really good.

london is indeed an onion, it's layers are deep and it takes a considerable amount of research and walking skills to pentrate it. the mithras temple underneath the bloomberg building is at it's heart although i suspect it goes deeper. 
as you decend a time line shows you how london was overlaid with various structures and events, one covers the other. it's quite something. there is indeed a hidden esotericism. secret societies, hidden messages in sculptures and architectures, one could easily feel lost within a labyrinth or at the outskirts of a maze. there's a weird formality to it all as initiates pass through invisible gates and doors, and enter chambers unveiled and deeper knowldge revealed beyond ythe pagan heart and astrological centre. one can never be certain about how deep it goes but what is known is the deeper yo go the harder it is to return the same as when one went in. london is a city of mysteries, conspiracy and concealment. it's heirachy is almost inpenetrable which is why the keys to the city are needed. and also why only a handful have them.

on a lighter side i visit some of christopher wrens churches, st. pauls is the obvious one but st. mary le bow is the one which interests me most as it determined my birth as a cockney. those born within it's church bells are true londoners aka cockneys and i was well within it's circle. rebuilt after the great fire of london by wren it now stands magnificently as a testiment to his finest achievements. one has to acknowledge his genius when you stand inside and look upwards. it's as close to holy as a man could get in human endevours. 

on the darkside i also visited one of wrens students designs for churches nicholas hawksmoor whom one could say was not a christian at all, his designs were neo pagan and possibly satanic. paying special attension to the locations, one can see an obvious pattern.

if one includes the london eye into the pattern the structure takes on a more obvious meaning as the all seeing eye.

st. lukes in oldfield, st.george in bloomsbury, st.john in horsleydown, st.george in the east, st. annes limehouse, christchurch in spitalfields, st. pauls.

peter ackroyd's novel is well worth reading as is iaan sinclairs, lud heat

martin and i take ourselves out for a movie, it's been so long since i have visited a cimema it's quite the novilty, unfortunatly 'disclosure day' is the movie we chose and although i am a big science fiction fan this one is very flawed. let me point out the acting, directing and idea are very good but the script and general narrative are very weak.  sure, it's a good theme and quite topical, what would humanity do if the knowledge of alien visitation to earth was revealled. personally 'the man who fell to earth,' is much better and far more intelligent than spielbergs movie. the central theme is 'empathy' is a form of intelligence that only highly evolved species can use. yeah all well and good in theory, but humanity is also suffering from a form of suicidal empathy, which would have made an intersting counterpoint to the whole movie. aliens meet isis. 
the film is a kinda chase movie, along with the usual dips into convential religion faces extra terrestrial life philosophy, god created man in his highest image, but 'only upon earth' some smart nun responds. and the control of information versus freedom of information, let the public have the facts. 

meanwhile spielberg throws in his usual sentimental moments reducing an adulty experience into a childhood one. meh!

martin condfesses he didn't really understand it and even through i understood it, i wish i hadn't wasted my time.

the japanese dinner i had with martin was excellent, tofu noodles with vegtable. 

 i speak with meredith in adalaide, it's so nice to hear her voice which has two components, one being a non stop talking machine which basically will just speak about anything with intermitent laughter as it rambles onwards like a steam train going down hill at the listener tied to the track. the other part is a 'soft' voice whoch fortunatly is present most times we speak, it's possibly the most calming sound you can imagine. it's influence upon me is narcotic, i'm not sure if i have ever encountered anything like it, a whispering gentle sound with plenty of space between words where sounds manifest, dolphins, birds and random coded alphabets, some i understand and others i don't. it's as though i'm a wounded tiger in pain and distressed and as soon as i hear her voice i instantly calm and am enveloped by an ocean of tranquility and peace. 

my pain, at the moment is a back pain that has moved into my shoulder, it really is accute and feels akin to someone stabbing me in the back with a sharp but large blade. i have had to take painkillers to assist. i cannot rely upon merediths voice so i may have to buy some weed as im not sure i can stand it much longer, the pain is terrible and limits my movements.

when i do speak with meredith it is between long bouts of her sleeping as she is recovering from a chest infection, plus months of stress and trauma. i imagine she is exhuasted and i feel helpless being so far away. she sleeps, i sleep and maybe we can meet in our dreams. her sleep is ridiculous although when i was on anti histamines i also slept long hours, sleeping between sleeping but i must admit meredith has beaten records, sometimes she sleeps for 12 hours, wakes up to say hello and five mins later sleeps for another 12 hours, and this last period she has slept for 5 days like this.  

jake popped in today and we take mum to the big shop where she buys a potato in the jacket and meets some people from out of town. she's tired but does well walking a long distance. at home we all collapse, i sit by the window watching the evening sunlight dancing through the trees, the birds singing a summer song and i just feel everything, saturating me, intense vampric sensory inputs, the slightest noise, the most miniute sensation of wind upon my skin, the hyper sensual curve of a womans flesh, the artery that pulses upon her neck, slightly in sublime slow motion as it starts standing out, looking magnificent and powerful, all that blood and life in one throb. 

i do a bit of cooking for mum, but she hates my food just as much as i can't eat hers. she needs sugar, salt and a selection of poisons whereas i am attempting to be as clear of these things as possible. often i will make my own breakfasts and dinners, usually for breakfast greek yougurt with fruit and bran, the apples and berries are really good here in the uk. dinners usually consist of green lentils and veg, or sardines. i can't really eat anything mum makes. even her sandwiches are awful due to the processed bread everyone seems to eat. if i am out i try to find a bagel shop, cream cheese, smoked salmon and capers are my weakness but then very ocassionally when i feel like it i induldge myself in fish and chips. the ones i had with tez and jean were the best so far. strangely everyone seems to eat indian food here, i'm amazed at how it has become so popular, and normal. i don't mind it once in a blue moon but it appears everyone seems to eat it here. often i'm asked what i want for dinner and i say 'anything but indian' and find as i sit down to eat, it's indian food. weird man. it's not that i dislike it, it's that i cannot eat it every day. 

i travel by train down to worthing to meet my old friends tez and jean, it seems srange seeing them in 3d as we usually speak via skype messenger. it's a short but very nice few days, the weather seems to confine us to indoors but we have a couple of excursions, some great food and late night chats. my strange sleepy maliase seems t overwhelm me and i find myself having seistas and retiring early. tez says it's due to the fact i am at rest, my body is easing into holiday mode but i think it may be something else, some sort of weirdness. however i enjoy my sleep and it's the best ret i have had in months. it's hard to leave them, but i return to london. the train journey sees me staring out the window at south london, as we roll passed battersea powerstation and all the horrible buildings, the strange homes and streets and the city seems part victorian, part 70's and mostly brutal. dark grey clouds and sleet don't help.

the next day i take a trip into london, wander around soho my old huants and carnaby street where i worked as a kid, down into covent gardens, i find a bagel shop and get a really good one. in foyles i pick up a few books, i avoid the esoteric bookshops as i have no cash. the city is heaving with people, and in a shop i meet an interesting italian lady, she's really nice and we strike up a conversation about olive oil, and i tell her about my love for italy. on the way home i notice all these young girls and women, dressed up to the nines, all looking glamourous and a woman with pink fingerpolish explains me someone called harry styles is in town, hence the girls. i have no idea who he is but london looks quite the spot with all these girls out and about.

i made the mistake of buying another caitlin starling book and once again what started as a great novel became a bad one 2/3rds through. it's a shame as i would like to find a few female writers i like but it's just not happening. the novel has a great premise and begins in a monstic castle under seige, and they are running out of food. the three charachters are very interesting, all female. one a waif whom sctraches together a life in the carverns discoveres a mysterious precence under the foundations which offers her a terrible bargin. the other is knight, a warrior who devotes herself to her king until he is supplanted by the arrival of the saints. these saints bring what appears like salvation but it is also a debuched fall into savagery and illusion. and the last charachjeter is a witch who has managed to use her powers to create water fit for drinking but cannot quite work out how to create food. 
while the monastry seems to decend into madness and horror the three women challenge the arrival of the saints and expose their true nature. it's a great story but the last bits seem to just fail in the same way as her previous novel, 'the luminous dead' did.

seven days, the season changed, the heat of spring reverts to a winter cold summer with rain to match. i've scrapped together some clothes from what's left from my dad's wardrobe, a highly unfashionable man who went for the greys, navy blues and innocuious lower wavelegths. i'm grateful although i look like a man out of time. 

i've been pottering around, there's not much left for me to take home, martin and jake got in first but the single painting i want is still hanging there. i measure it up and discover it's to big for my suitcase. i'll have to have it shipped out when jake returns with his stuff that's going into storage.

i've really enjoyed seeing my aunt  and uncle sydney and yolande and their son mark and his family. marks wife is one of the worlds greatest cheifs, she is amazing and i love her food better than anyone elses. she's also got a brilliant sence of humour and knowledge, in fact they are a very intelligent couple.

sometimes i hardly sleep, just reading and watching stupid tv shows. i did see the short series 'half man' which i liked for the same reason i liked 'baby reindeer.'

i have finished 'sleeper beach'by nick harkaway which was fantastic. a really unique piece of story telling and a mix of hardboiled noir and science fiction. my single excursion into the city was pretty disasterous, i had a good look around forbidden planet and waterstones but only found the new 2 volumes of alister reynolds revelation space short stories and his halycon years novel in my fave format which i immediately purchased. but london was dirty, over crowded and tense, i just wanted to get back.

i was on a quest for a certain trophy, and after some nifty running around and scouting i found something suitable. i hope it will do as now there's only going forwards. 

long flight to the olde country, lots of negativity as part of me doesnt want to go, plus in a huge miscalculation and the pre flight choas of getting organised i made an error and arrived one day earlier for the flight. i statyed in an adjacent hotel and despite the cost it seemed more efficient than returning home and returning the following day. 
i arrived in london on the hottest day on record, it was hot and not an air con in sight. i took the train to my brothers and then later went to my mothers. and in the evening went to a bbq hosted by denni and mark, which was amazing. 
then i slept. it's been very difficult as i had not packed any clothing, so i borrowed a few items and have to make do. i think i'm exhuasted and just need loads of sleep. 

i still. can't sleep at all, the world seems to fall inwards as i expand outwards picking up the vibration of space time, surfing the eros fragments from the past, exploring possibilities in the future, knowing it pulls me apart in many ways, and yet pulls me together. only the essence once inhaled will determine the outcome. i'm like an alien hound on the trail of a buried bone, somewhere in the universe. the blows to the head, the breaks and aches, the constant turbulence of life and then in cruise control i manifest a history from 20 years ago. how does that work anyway?

these girls all seemed to have left me, and then when i have moved on they seem to return bearing gifts. promises of maybe? maybe in retrospect i wasn't such a bad partner, maybe there's part of me they actually liked after all despite their actions  i can't know anything due to the side effects of my brain and it's swiss cheese memory.

what i do know is that in a meeting at work i had to take control and challenge the idiotic women i have to work with who have terrorised a client to the point of depression and anxiety, for their own dumb power issues. there were tantrums, explosive outbursts, nasty comments and preposterous behaviours but afterwards my manager said i was magnificent. 

oh, and also i received a message from the dept. immigration offering me citizenship.

take my pond guy out for a coffee at my fave coffee place,  on the coast lulu's where i have been enjoying their special blend for 12 years. we swap a few war stories and it's nice to have some company. later when i return home the rain starts, it's relentless and cold, it's not my type of thing and although i want to return to bed and sleep i have to travel into the city. at least on the train i can make headway into nick parkway's sequel 'sleeper beach,' which i'm excited about.

in the city, i have a bite at the arthouse where i gaze upon my fave painting in the world. later i head to level one where i find a dark corner and sit reading. i have two hours before the waterboys come on stage. while stretching my legs i hear a noise behind me, the lift opening and out walks some people, a voice behind me yells, 'where the fuck is the bar?'

i recognize the voice and spin around. it's her, a blast from the past i rather avoid but i do the right thing and be socially conforming, we exchange small talk and i make my getaway.

as i have exited the bar looking for anonymity, i wander into the state theatre. figure i may as well watch the support band, an ellie hooper who was actually very good. she is an australian but her music is pure nashville, and what a voice.

the waterboys are on before i know it, smashing out song after song, it's breathtaking. i'm blown away, everyone is. 

pottering around the place yesterday i pop down the beach and although do not get wet, enjoy my morning coffee courtesy of an old friend who asks me why i look so tired. mmm, there's not an easy answer. lack of sleep i guess. then in the sun i absorb a healthy dose that warms my bones, although the shade this morning is very cold. on return home, a chat with that girl from adelaide who seems to just be able to talk non stop. it's lovely but wow, it's sometimes overwhelming as i'm a guy who enjoys my quiet time and often don't speak to anyone for days. i don't mind, although she spends most of her time in past relationships, reviewing and post deconstructing them, which is really fine, she has had a colourful past but it's obviously traumatized her, where it still is part of her present. i ponder this as she talks, wondering if one day i can get her to a place where the history of her trauma is at rest. for the moment i just listen. in the evening/ night things take a turn and we start to speak about the present, although she finds some forgotten communication between us from 15 years ago that makes us laugh, i can cope with that. it's hilarious, she is mostly hilarious and i know when she's not being dragged back to abusive relationships and experiences she is kinda irrepressible.

i read some more of titanium noir and marvel at harkaway's dexterity, but i cannot sleep. an insomnia type energy has taken hold of me, a vampiric spirit awakening so i read through till dawn, watch a tv show, make a drink and eat a very early breakfast. the sun coming up slow, the cold air bites my skin, the birds rejoice and call me towards them. there's a lot to do this morning, so many things to prepare for and my energy is low, my mind is somewhat clouded and my body feels heavy and sluggish. 

strange overcast morning, sunburst at noon soaring through clouds and grey zones, burn through confusion and anxiety, burn through lies and deception, burn through hate and war, burn through tension and constriction, burn through immaterial world, burn through material girl, set ablaze the illusion, set ablaze the delusion oh fiery angel of sol, with thy sword of revelation, cast out the enemy within and behold the beauty of truth.

my task is not to seek for love but to find the barriers inside myself that i have built against it.

i have a couple of days off to catch my breath, my time is spent doing chores and paying bills but it's all bearable as in-between i chat with meredith and listen to her stories, man, she can talk and she has stories. i guess we are good as weird people with a collection of weird stories. it's nice reconnecting, catching up and reviewing the time we spent together as well as all that happened in-between.

currently reading titanium noir by nick harkaway which is brilliantly written and i'm in awe and respect for such a command of style, english, humour and imagination. 

set in a time when humans with the big bucks can chemically expand their lives and abilities with T7 a gene therapy. only the elites have access and they are known as titans. so when one is found murdered the police call in cal sounder who is known for operating between humans and titans discreetly. cal is an old skull detective, he goes from the crime scene to witness, to suspect to various titans, as he investigates the strange death. harkaway paints a place and time that although is vastly different is a very familiar landscape, and the themes of inequity, injustice and transhumanism are very relatable.

i love this book, it's a mix between william gibson and pkd.

well life is kinda strange as yet another ex contacts me and initiates a resurrection. it had been 20 years since i had seen her last, as we were interstate and a massive act of god had intervened in our relationship. she had a brain injury and i had a brain injury at exactly the same time. we were in her place in adelaide, both shell shocked, stunned trauma patients wondering what the hell had happened. i was not allowed to fly so we were just trapped in her place, just dazed and confused. i was in some form of very deep trauma, and maybe shock, my memory had been wiped and she was exactly the same. we were like peas in a pod, having had the most phenomenal relationship and now we were two vegetables who had no idea what we were in. eventually after getting clearance i was able to fly out and into deep therapy with neurologists and councillors,' unable to work or do anything we both ended the relationship and attempted to get our lives on track, but at that crucial point ayahuscia arrived at my door and i attended my first ceremony, and was healed. my trajectory had changed radically and i was in a new life. it's 20 years ago. and this week out of the blue she wrote to me. it's blown my mind.  

as i set off to drive to the surf in glorious golden dawn light the clouds just appear in front of me and the sky goes dark and suddenly it's bucketing down, staring p the ocean and making it impossible for me to have my morning swim. i  spend a long time finding a park, the place is packed, when i do it's considerably remote meaning a walk through the rain, it's not my fave thing. the cafes are packed, my local is all seating outside so it's hopeless, eventually i grab a coffee on the run and disappear back home. as i get indoors the sun comes out. 

bowie live, great setlist and preformance 

dawn surf, water warm, waves perfecto, as they roll in from the beating heart of neptune old captain mission walks out into the solar pathway, there's a strange little pull as the current slips to the side but it's gentle enough for me to deal with, i submerge out there water washing over my head as i dive down. it's so clean you can see thousands of fish and thrusting forwards into the wave my body kicks into autopilot, the fin knows what to do. monique dives down and moves past me, she says some one saw a white pointer out by the boy and she goes to check it out, i find my spot, turn and wait.

after 40 mins there were three waves that were perfect for me to ride, the more force i used to push down the higher i lifted myself, it was pretty wild. they were fast and if i manoeuvred myself to their right i would catch them right until they ht the beach, like an overdrive. amazing.

last night I watched the moon over the water, high tide, this morning it's perfect conditions. and i move forwards  filled with gratitude and praise to jah, who has created all this beauty.

well from one health scare to another, from one dramatic tension to another, from one crisis to another and then salvation. it's all the same thing, the one electron theory. the get out of jail free card if you apply it, a little quantum physics goes a long way if you don't observe it or at least try to. as a student of all things strange and mystical and occult i was mentored by one individual who revolutionised the way i think. he died recently. a quantum physicist who was also a wizard. 

so there's that.

then there's this, a long chat with my uncle and aunt yesterday was productive and interesting, it was great to hear them and laugh. i put a few things in perspective. there's so much going on and then there's nothing but the void in which we exist, thinking it's all going on. it's just history, it's just existence getting to know itself, it's just random, it's chaos looking for order, it's the yin yang, it's the terrifying beauty of truth, it's the beautiful truth of terror. we are all dying while we live, we are all energy interacting with energy, we cannot end only change. that's the only truth that is consistent.

new phase on the horizon, i await this moment, it's slower, more joyous and fruitful. relationships must shift into this new area of thinking, i'm done with movements that don't move, conversations built upon fear and lies, people awakened who are asleep, it's all there in plain sight, the zombie apocalypse. plug into your news feed, absorb your truth, fill your heart with hate today, fill your mind with lies and agendas, and then create it. it's the same old story what came first? the idea or the act. can you really create something out of nothing. is nothing something?

ha! zen koans rule. awake sleeper. whack!

the surf this morning was spectacular, there were very few waves but the water was warm, so clear i could see the fish swimming, big fish and a lot of them.  i spent about forty minutes splashing about,  and further out sharks were sighted. it really was a fantastic morning, the sun dried me in about 10 mins and it was really hot for autumn. actually better than most summer days, i just hope it stays this warm. nights are different, much colder once the sun sets and a good reason for early nights.

my head injury seems to be much better today, yesterday was quite painful again and i had to take two painkillers which is very rare for me. i have to say they made a huge difference and after 20 mins of taking them the migraine- like throb that lingered all day disappeared. on top of that my heart today was beating strong and in time, for the first time in months i felt as if i were 100%.

 'it's to late, to be late again.' bowie, said. 

i recall seeing him at earls court in 78, a little kid in total awe, overwhelmed by the amount of people and the size of the place. my dad had got me the ticket through his friend, they had gone to a lot of trouble as the show was already sold out but dad knew what it meant to me, he pulled out all stops. i vaguely remember when he told me, i was jumping around the house smiling like an idiot.  at the show i was seated in a great spot but the audience was so large it was like being at a wembley final football match but all the pitch was covered in seated people facing a huge stage. 

the band came on and opened with warzawa which was mysterious and dramatic and then launched into heroes, david in that ridiculous sailors outfit, those big white stripped vertical lights came on and that was it. the next hours passed by so fast, it was hard to process as the atmosphere blended into the music and some sort of weird synthanesea overtook my brain input. the next thing i knew it was encores and like everyone there i made a lot of noise. the highlight was 'station to station' which is captured really well on 'welcome to the blackout' as was 'beauty and the beast.' in fact that is a great bootleg although now officially available, it was recorded over the few nights bowie played there and put together by tony visconti. 

anyways, thanks dad. i know you would have tried really hard to get me that ticket. i was 15 years old.

i think about that line, 'it's to late to be late again,' a lot. especially after dads death, because the implications are so much is left unsaid. and that's the saddest part of it all. the bit that lingers on and haunts you is all the words missed. anyways, i guess it comes down to our individual responsibility, my disappointment belongs to me, and it's to late.