i'm at a cafe chatting with some people who invite me to a 3 day mountain trek this weekend, i can't go, not just because i'm the type of guy who would trail behind and get kidnapped by a rogue mutant serial killer but because my days roughing it in freezing remote areas are well and truly over. i do recall going on a hike through the mountains, abseiling, wading through rivers and clambering up small trails in the middle of nowhere, long ago, as youthful endeavors, i liked a challenge and i was leading about ten street kids on an outwards bound course. these days i not only enjoy my luxuries i am useless without them, and sleeping rough is top of my hate list. i like a bed, my bed. i like warmth and hot water and electricity powering my cd player. i need access to my car and access to the shop, i've become quite cosy, the idea of clambering around mountains and bushland just does not get me excited.nope, i like to laze around a swimming pool in hot exotic climates, places where no one speaks english and the cool drinks keep coming, and within moments you are dry and need another dip, sorry but i like hanging out with girls in bikinis not ugg boots and parkas. call me shallow, call me sexist, i just like sensual warm places where sex drugs and comfort are all accessible.

i did meet an interesting russian lady once. we were in sydney and she was wearing white fur, and thigh high white furry boots to match her jacket.

'where in russia are you from?' i asked all flirty and innocent.

'siberia' she replied in her sexy accent.

'oh, wow! how the hell do you keep warm in siberia?' i asked. and without missing a beat she said.

'drink vodka, fuck like bear.'

now there's someone i could go camping in winter with.