choppy surf, unpredictable currents deprive me of my morning surf. two days have passed and my body feels wrapped in a thing, a thin skien of strange artificial coating. it slows me down, makes me sluggish, pervades my power. 
i stand on a wall staring out at the massive chop, it's terrifyingly close, very rare at terrible beach to see such chaos. in my mind i reach out and into the quantum foam, i pull out some strange asymmetrical patterns and try to divine some meaning. it's difficult, as though tangled in a spider web as it wraps around your face, slowly mentally unwrapping and remaking a web with big fat fingers of clumsy mental imaginative precision. the nameless one inhabits here, the borneless one, 'a heart with a serpent' as my dead friends would say. 
i distil a 30 minute ritual into nano time, using quantum thought waves, no time for zeroes and ones, a ritual is still a ritual under the conditions of space time. 
the crashing thunderous roar, the random power inherent unleashed, all is explicate chaotic order of quantum entanglement transformed into an algebraic implicit order. 
the clarity starts in my head and spreads through me like a new light in space. i laugh and jump away from the ocean as white light baths my fingers and black light enters my blood, atoms smash around my collider creating new structures, new neural networks expanding, shifting out into society, i am a strange attractor, not a loop but a spiral.      

in surf i surrender to intuition, my body knows when to catch the wave, my mind eases outside itself in some sort of submission and ecstasy while my body, it's atomic molecular structure and organic synergy understands completely what how and when. it happens outside the rational zones, no technical skill here. it's a perfect relationship, that zen kick and the thunderous massage of water as it pummels against my torso. the horizon dissolves like all dimensions, theres a velocity from everywhere, but it's internal now. years of perfection into some sort of yoga, soar plexus yellow energy like iron mans chest disc, i have achieved mastership of waves by not being master of waves. instinct knows when to turn my fin against the ultimate union of elements, just before the crash, no broken bones, no high impact just a twist and a turn as i land feet first with elegance and beauty. for a beast like me this has to have some consequence.
the rest of the day my orgone energy is high, negative ions radiate from my head like a bulb switched on, magnetised and attracting the watery significance.

sense of an ending, thoroughly english, from it's characters to their sense of ill defined communication and habitats. i'm overwhelmed by the feeling of an extremely brilliantly constructed novel that climaxes in a revelation where the reader has to do all the work, there's more unsaid than written in this book so answers are not obvious yet it's a joy to read as it's so rich with philosophy and mundane complications.
friends at university tony and adrian's trajectories are about to intersect by variable time and unreliable memory as we the reader feel complicit in one mans discovery of his past and the death of another. but facts are slippery, events never what they appear to be, and julian barnes subtle little novel tackles grand issues in a elegant and refined way. a really worthwhile little novel if your inclined to be led astray for a couple of days.     

black star by bowie

inferno before dawn, i'm up very early laying awake under my ceiling fan covered in sweat and residual erotic dreams. i text my friend, a man i met by accident in a central coast coffee shop. he introduced himself and latched on to me. i liked him a little, he was a londoner, jewish guy who seemed to want to take me under his wing and guide me into his flock. 
he was bewildered by my being. my hair, tee shirts, surfing lifestyle, attitude to the world, knowledge and yet like all those i come across a little intimidated. therefore during the course of the friendship he always inflated his sense of self, called himself a spiritual leader and told me all the things he could do for me, people he knew and i bit my lip and listened quietly. i listened and we had a few laughs, i incorporated him into my morning routine, he very kindly drove me to the beach each morning and sometimes let me have a surf, but as his need to control increased would sabotage my time in the ocean. i paid it no heed. he said he was a great spiritual leader, not that i ever figured him to be spiritual at all, but he kept introducing himself as one, couldn't he see the irony?
i could but i weighed up his company, his offering to buy me the occasional breakfast and his willingness to help me enter his fold, the community with his abrasive manner and ego. 
one day after he harassed me for not being a great part of the community  i said to him, 'fuck the community, i don't want to be in a community of anything. i hate the whole idea of communities especially this one. those eastern suburbs fuckwits, all gold and bmws, all glam and materialism. i never met a more selfish fucking judgemental community in my life, they covert everything from thy neighbours wife to thy neighbours job.'
so i got the cold shoulder from the spiritual leader who said i was not very traditional. it's true, i am not interested in any tradition other than perhaps a magickal one. i believe and know god and she loves me, i have faith in her... the rest is bullshit. i take my truth from elements of all spiritual truths and my critical thinking, my experience and knowledge and my ability to take off my head every now and then and write a new program for the time.
anyway the friendship continued but was rocky, everyday he had to get his digs in, repeating his conquests, the famous people he knew, the business deals he sealed, yet all i saw was desperation and futility, a tragic old man who was loosing his way. i kept my mouth quiet and offered some support, i baked him some healthy cakes, gave him some relationship advice, just tried to understand we were different animals and he was unlikely to change into an octopi. but the more time i spent with him the more he pushed me, wanting to enter that horrific competitive bollocks that guys get into, he wanted to show off his skills at being involved in various community groups, choirs, committees and social groups. occasionally he would boast about his electrical skills, how he was inundated with work and contracts and how he fixed various establishments lights circuit boards and cables and then demanded a free breakfast, and often got it. i'd seen this part of him and it was ugly, it was this expectation he relieve 'something' rather than just change the bulb to do a good deed. he justified everything with weakness. he told me of the people who disappointed him, friendships he ended, loves lost and i began to see he was indeed the problem not the other parties who were probably as frustrated as i. 
this morning he exploded as i made him wait up the street for a few mins, he screamed down the phone and said he was 'hot' in his air conditioned van, he implied he had texted me to say he was waiting, a text i never received and then he left me after raging his fury and anger. 
so after my surf when i had my coffee in my terrigal coffee shop he was there hiding away in the corner stuffing his face with bacon fat in secret (so his community wouldn't see him) the spluttering drivel emitted was something like, 'don't expect an apology from me' and then i told him i didn't because he was a selfish arrogant bully of a man who should be ashamed of his behaviour.' 
the waitress came over and asked me, 'your friend is behind you, don't you want to sit with him?'
'he's not my friend,' i said, 'he's a fucking disgrace.'
so the heat burns up friendships here in australia, it consumes everything and i realised i don't have many friends at all anymore. i have the birds in the garden, the fish in my pond, the  dragons and the handful of people i seem to have managed to keep in my circle. agent stone, val and olga and a girl in the shadows, so and i do some work in the garden, sweating away like some sort of slimy amphibious beast channeling my energies. later i fall asleep under a fan and i get a text from friend who invites me to a gig where he's playing 4 songs and i can't go due to work. i'm really saddened about it but i'm heart filled as i do have good friend's i may not see or hear from a lot of the time but they are there in that consistent way and for that i am ever grateful. 

the sun blazes through extremity, bushfire season in hell, the land already takes it's claim in life. australia is a dangerous place, it's wilderness will consume you, the creatures will bite, the women are lethal, the men drink to forget. 

yesterday was a furnace, today the mercury rises, tomorrow shows no mercy. 

 

  

weather shifts, moves in and out of gear, unpredictable. i watch a howling wind bending the trees in my garden to snapping point, i have to take a step backwards and brace myself as they threaten the fabric of mission control. the tall tiger grass swirls around in anger even the gentle palms are swaying violently, old fronds flap and fall. it's a sea storm, i think as i take the wheel and batten down the hatches, waiting it out.

next it's sunshine, blue skies appear, birds emerge with songs from a disney cartoon and even pan bathes in the sunlight like a tired old beast who's found peace at last. the atmosphere is truly schizophrenic. 

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/australasia/head-boy-diagnosed-with-terminal-cancer-delivers-emotional-speech-at-prize-giving-ceremony-in-new-a6727526.html

antediluvian sun gods bless the earth with glory and magnificence, dancing upon the ocean surface in magical delights.
technology kneels before time and magic as i walk out into the waves, half blinded by love and half sighted with a love. slip away like sublimated sin, slip under the surface of wet skin, the shades of blue's traverse the depth, from shadows of hinted formation comes bursting densities and exploding perceptions. i astral travel my body is left behind, neptune takes me in his arms and whatever form my spirt takes feels safe and at peace. my body left a long time ago, when i was younger and somewhat innocent.
eons have passed and neptune returns me to an older body, this one i find myself in emerging from the depths, sensation floods itself, the water is everywhere, the soft elegant resistance as weakened muscle swims upwards, following primal instinct, towards light. only now i am aware of the need, like some heroin fix the need is in every atom, over riding all desires, cancelling out every requirement but the single lung bursting sensation for a fix of oxygen. propelled, kicking harder the surface breaking like an explosion of soft glass as my mouth sucks it down and my face bathed in light. 
i find the shallows, sand stretches through my toes, my body moves upright towards the shore, to the land. i fall down exhausted, slightly confused. i am returned, but older, in a body that feels different, older heavier and riddled with aching muscle. my hands feel my face and my hair is longer, beard had grown over my chin. 
the brightness sears, the harsh truth of enchantment tears into my flesh. 
i walk over to the surf club and throw myself in the shower where cold water washes away the sand and delirium. i look upon my reflection in a cracked mirror and see i have aged, i am older than i recall. many years have passed in my absence from land, there are many changes, transformations and the condition of the outside to inside is askew. i sit down on a bench watching the surfers, i look out at the horizon, light flickers here and there, a few birds swoop down, a dog splashes around the sea line and memory is leaking in a pool at my feet.
some sailors speak of being adrift in wrecked life rafts for years living upon raw fish and gulls they catch with their hands, some speak of islands that became a sort of home until they were discovered by passing ships. but me, i was taken by neptune himself and lived in his realm, swam with the dolphins and octopi, the sea horse and shark. i had adventures and lifetimes within lifetimes, married a mermaid, made love and went to war. i was happy as prince amongst the oceanic cities. but then came the war against progress, as man took our friends from the oceans, killed out families for food, dumped toxins in our sustainer, ravaged and raped our home. the tide ebbs and flows but man is a fool that is cruel and has a million ways to inflict its will. 
i watched my cities fall. every retreat took us further away from truth, every attack was weakened by the enemy's ignorance. and then i made a deal with neptune, it was hard to have him agree, our weapons were useless and tactics to righteous.
the homeopathic cure, fight like with like. fight mankind with a kind man. i have returned. to walk among you. take me to your cities, take me to your populations, politicians, teachers, skools, universities and medias, for all kind men come to mankind with a message that repeats itself over and over, demonstrated by anti science. i am the miracle, and magick is my message. 

i'm almost finished the very brilliant illuminating and enjoyable book called 'the magical universe of william burroughs' which i've devoured with a lot of pleasure. 
if you feel inclined to hack yourself, and then make several excursions into hacking  this reality thang, this is a great primer and a good place to start. of course the concepts and ideas are much more sophisticated these days, but in these pages one is presented with an organic version of what most magickians would know and use.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Magical-Universe-William-Burroughs/dp/1906958645

click on the link buy a copy and read it

a fleeting windy rain swept visit by my brother who stays one night and leaves the following morning was pleasant despite the awful weather and our exhaustion. he unloaded a book written by my cousin about divorce, and gifts from my folks and i loaded him up with some books and balms to return. 
it's been an extreme week, demanding, draining and difficult. i really feel stressed out, somewhat exploited by the people i work with who seem to do nothing and leave it to me.
i'm working many extra hours which i am taxed heavily, i have no choice but that's the way it is in this crazy country as we drift towards a socialist system. there is no incentive other than my own drive. 
sunday morning i read brendon o neils column in the australian, fantastic journalism / opinion piece by a true intellectual. a brave man indeed, especially as he is a marxist by self definition. he postulates the intolerance of the left, the division they create, the hypocrisy and double standards based upon ideology that squashes free speech and humilities and bullies it's opponents without intellectual debate or reason. with me he's preaching to the converted, i know this. the left wing in australia are the most ridiculous nut jobs i've ever come across, happy to fall into the trap of the banking and united nations while decrying the people who want some sovereignty. anyway it's to late now we have malcolm running to his masters, the guys is a fucking pawn and should be hanged for treason, selling us out to the IMF and UN both rackets for one world agenda.

finally on sunday morning the day stops, daze of rest. i find myself with time to contemplate the previous few days, it's been a blur. long hours, loads of demands, telephones ringing through the night, hours of negotiations and strategy. i'm exhausted from working but that's what i do for a crust so i can't complain. 
anyway plans for today, get to the city, meet val in newtown for hash cookie antics. 
pan is back to normal, healthy, happy and mostly dreaming his days away in the sun. it's a dogs life.