there were two more days of training left, lydia had offered me a full time position as some one had dropped out, i accepted, i was changed, hardened, ready for it, i actually believed in what we were doing. i had discovered my ability for compassion ran deeper than i had thought, i was looking forwards to the challenge. i'd finally found the lowest rung of the ladder as far as challenging clients go, this was what i wanted wasn't it, be careful what you wish for because sure enough you get it. 

during this period we learnt two bits of information that stuck with me, one being that sex offenders usually have never been sexually assaulted themselves although they often say they have, it's a myth. they are masterful at evading responsibility and sucking sympathy. in fact part of the clinical treatment was to get them taking responsibility but this usually was the default position a sex offender takes, it was done to me as a child and i am just repeating the pattern, are you sympathetic? it's a fucking lie.

the other fact that stunned us all was the fact that women were as much offenders as men. yes that's correct you read this right, it took me a long time to acknowledge this, i didn't want my idealistic view of women shattered but the destructive energy that inhabits these people does not distinguish between available hosts, it just finds a slightly weak vessel and goes about it's business in it's secretive methodical way.

also another curious development in these last two days was fifi had begun to interact with me in a less than subtle way, she gave me all the signs and i was frozen in a conflicted desire, i wanted nothing to do with her but i imagined about all the things we could do and i found a chink in my armour. 

i maintained a detached presence, i said very little, i smiled back at her and once i mentioned her boots were kinda cute, but generally i kept myself away from her and developed a strange friendship with mike the school teacher.

we would meet for coffee before training and discuss the newspapers, it was refreshing to know there was life outside sex offenders, no institutions were spared from our critiques of modern society, he had jesus i had lou reed. our new education gave us a filter for reality, under the surface the human condition was falling apart, a thin veil with a large leak, we were the glue holding it all together, keeping the darkness out, keeping children safe, protectors, we took the hits for you citizens, we dealt with the underworld so you didn't have to. looking back i feel revulsion at my innocence in the terrible endless sorrow of existence, the unmanefested future had us by the balls and was laughing at our dumb self importance.