process must be followed, elisabeth kübler-ross developed the best map, shock, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, reflection and loneliness, acceptance. i guess these can occur in a non linear way, and i am uncertain where i am at. women have totally different ways of processing information, men take a little more time, i guess i'm somewhere in anger and acceptance with some reflection.
i can channel anger, it's redirected into something else, transmuted. i can feel the acceptance, it's a peaceful type of space, i'm not quite swimming in it because i'm disappointed although i'm not even sure if disappointment is an emotion. 
the idea of going into a courtroom does not intimidate me, the law system can be summed up in one word, OBEY. we must obey. i never really ever invested in that system so for me, i have an inner law that i subscribe to so it's not such a big deal, the idea of money is academic especially over airline tickets, if it assists a baby feel safe from alcohol and stupidity then it's cash well burnt. 
but my friend, a beautiful person at heart is lost to me and that's sadder than anything else i can think about. lost to the most misused substance on planet earth, the most dangerous toxin that can be imagined, the cause of so much suffering and grief, the fallout from intoxication is vast, almost incomprehensible. i often imagine a world where it is unavailable and attitudes to marijuana are put into perspective, or dmt. imagine people congregating to share this experience instead of alcohol in pubs, no violence, no aggression, less lies and deception, more insight, contemplation and knowing. a person on alcohol will inflict their poison upon others, that's the nature of the substance. i know this is true.
i don't know how to feel really. i don't even care about what happens to me, all i want is for that baby to feel safe and have a chance. no one's perfect, everyone fails and makes mistakes, everyone has their demons. i know this, i'm not a judge or jury, but i can't help feel a duty to care about this especially now i have seen the 'thing' that lurks behind the masks, it has no love for anything, not even itself, it only desires gratification, it is the cause of much suffering and can be fixed, healed and banished very simply but it evades under subterfuge and it's resources. spiritual warfare. i have taken a hit.
my heart is diminished slightly, my solar plexus is vital and my throat charkra seems very clear in intent, my base is aligned with the planet and there are very comprehensive communications in the higher realms. 
the only person who can repair the wound is wendy the witch, she has great power over my astral body and energy fields, i'm very receptive to her healing ways. if i had the cash i would study her technique but i have to use my own, an archaic steam punk type of methodology, powerful yet discordant, seeped in magickal and scientific theory, yet when practiced produces side effects that are concentric bubbles, each one a universe of possible outcomes and probabilities, each one needing consideration and care, like a herb garden, one cannot abandon ones creations. one can relinquish them when they are perfect or completed. one can only honour the process and be devoted to a universe that listens.