spend the morning down the beach watching three whales swimming by, they are breaching and jumping right out of the ocean, creating huge splashes and waves of joy as children, women and men all stop to look out at the ocean, we are all in awe. i'm being sued by a friend over some airline tickets, already given her money i don't have for a trip i will never take, it's deeply disappointed me but i should have expected it, i'm stupid but not guilty. the clusterfuck always gets you, there is no escape.

i'm kinda fucked money wise anyway and i have lost my license for six months so i am not in a great position but watching these whales lifts my spirits, watching the way they play and frolic freely fills me with something i have not felt in a while, lightness.

these animals can teach us a lot, they kill what they need, eat what they need, don't wage phycological warfare, don't suffer greed or envy or any of those stupid sins, they don't complicate their lives, in fact when you think about it they are construct free and live in harmony with the flow. then there's us, far away removed from anything including the animals. 

anyways court, this will play out in some strange dramatic outcome, i will loose thousands and feel humiliated for a moment but generally i guess i'll be okay. i guess at the end of the day i am a slow learner. it takes a lot for me to actually let go of my friends, i stick by them even when they beat me with a big stick, i forgive and if i don't forgive i guess i just forget. 

the strange thing is i did forget this person once, i cant recall much of her from that period, only that it was bad, and even now i can feel myself forgetting her faster than i really care to. i'm not sure if it's just my brain being dysfunctional or if she's just not worth remembering. 

i been reading an amazing novel, dan simmons new book 'flashback' is a genuine intelligent science fiction page turner, it's set in 2035 and civilisation is now the product of these very times we are living in, economies have collapsed, the new caliphate restored, anarchy and war across the globe, widespread use of a drug called flashback that takes you back into memory and let you re experience the past. throw a detective story into this and you have the ingredients of this novel. however the recipe is simmons brilliant writing and characters. i've read all dan simmons work, he takes on all genres and does so with incredible skill, hyperion quartet, song of kali, the terror and black hills, all perfect but 'flashback' is the best, gritty, provocative and in a very believable future that we may all find ourselves in soon. i don't want the book to end but i'm reading it very fast while savouring each word.