my nose is cold. i don't like that at all!

in to city to see iggy starseed my old friend, what a joy, what a great morning, perfect company for me.
we discuss a multitude of things, eat a toxic laksa which almost blew my head off, discuss some geo-political stuff, some weaponry, random books and old iggy pop. we discuss iggy's movements through global points and my current situation. we look for the japanese shop where we can't find the cash register and i pick up the new waterboys cd at red eye. yay!

it was on sunday, was it not? my mind is so discombobulated now, the days all blended into one. 
did we not wander through chinese space and collect burning sticks where intention dissipates into smoke, did we not ask for basil seed drink and find it sweet and sensational, did we not play a space bubble drum machine with big deep dish bass notes, wander through japanese bookshops and eventually turn right to the opera house wing of the quay to catch the 'hold on' mantra.
sundays lazy sunday afternoon seemed quite apt as we spiraled around in song and dance, spiral around yin and yang, you and i in the cosmic dance of vishnu. one day your eyes will open up and you will see clearly now the fear is gone, obstacles were in your head all the time, it's going to be a bright future so get your sunglasses out.
i found my place where i rest my face, in twilights last gleaming and music revealing all the things you need to know, all the answers in our flow, other people see it clearly within us, they always have. it was a good day reflected in your inner eye but that brain is a resistor to all matters of the heart, whereas mine is true. 
the harbour alive with our vitality and joyous dance, music blasting out in droplets of light, it's nice that you finally see me in the world i guess, it's good you experience what that effect is as opposed to constantly perceive me as something i am not. 
i got a bit lost in your judgments of me, they confused me and made me think i was inadequate or failing in some way, it was never me failing though. it was you. i was not the beast after all. i am what i have always been and will always be.

productive mission, yes yes yes, it's all coming together, my novels and stories are moving fast. mr. mission is very happy, he's found his groove. all i needed was the waterboys doing that ladbrooke groove song, belly dance doing pope of pop and some random funky jazz tunes with cool piano. oh and some of that.

so here i am a tuned in space tripping elegant alien seeking some truth and a little action. look to the stars, the moon. i seek escape from the salvation blues i need a happy ending with some good news, i'm a big bag of tricks and one of them is me. popping crazy saxophones with those colbalt blue and hot pink notes. some one said i shouldn't wear my boots but i say, 'fuck you.'

so keep on going, high speed train, making that deadline with some high velocity . i have enjoyed these last few days, big energy surging through me now, back to being someone i love.

i'm on the right side of love. and the wrong side of heartbreak.

ah, i dig that song most of all. listen to that hammond in the mix.

  

man that 11:11 pops up everywhere at the moment, what the hell is that all about. i normally see it all the time but the last few weeks nothing and suddenly it has reappeared. maybe it's because i finally feel happy and relaxed, it's weird how calm i am and somewhat blissful. inner peace finally returns to old captain mission.
i keep feeling that beautiful twin flame close-by even though she pissed off somewhere, it's very strange, it actually feels good for a change rather than all that angst and uncertainty. 
i slept a bit and had a dream we were dancing together to some funky music wrapped around one another like dna strands, ohh it did get a bit frisky. all my energy feels very cool at the moment. it's groovy again. yay, i think i'm back to fucking normal. and it appears my past has returned to show me a few things i had forgotten about.
this is very strange indeed, all things aligning like this out of the blue. i wonder what the fuck is going on.

hey ho, off we go, a massive day / night writing and reading various works, my eyes have gone square shaped and although i managed two hours of uninterrupted sleep i worked through the night like a naughty possum, inspiration, spliff and mineral water fuelling me. mission impossible as i attempt some completion and rewrites but my mojo's fading fast as the sun came up. 
it was good to get some contact with my old friend iggy starseed who seems to be in town, i was looking forwards to hearing from that cat. man i miss him and his brain, he will give me sound and sage advice. 
i'm convinced we have some project to do together, not sure what it could be, the last one was way ahead of it's time. i'm always going to remember his challenge to the love guy who thought he was so clever when he said in protest, 'i am love, that's all i need.'
without missing a beat iggy replies, 'great, now take that into down town mogadishu and see where it gets you.'
i love that moment.
beyond love. it's why i like commitment and loyalty, the cosmic truth counts for something, it's why i can leap and now i can fly once more.
it's reassuring to know and have this certainty there are people in my past whom will support me, believe in me and know me in a way i  know myself. they seem to have arrived right on time, despite my strange resistance they are all here, now!

dolphin boy and i chat for a few hours working out our parallelogram  and how it has been resolved. interesting stuff as dolphin boy like myself watches the waves, he's up at some nice spot north while i am based at terrigal beach headlands looking for whales. this is the time they swim past and usually have something to say. 
dolphin boy knew me just before my story 'rites' starts, he knew me at a time in my life when i was mostly a surf loving beach guy, laid back and open, social and very happy in my innocence. we surfed everyday, always together. our fave times were drinking iced coffee after a long surf or beer in what we called the ufo landing spot, a place we made very fashionable years after. we never ran in normal time, always just operated on chance and it worked. gradually our network expanded and a tribe was born. my tribe. it was pretty groovy, a collection of cool cats all looking to play but then i had a very bad accident that took me veering into another path, a tangent where i was forced into exploring a dark area of life and my stupid fear which manifested in a much bigger way than i ever understood possible. that's what 'rites of passage' is about. i was so foolish thinking i could face my fear but that year i did and it was an awful experience.
anyway i pulled away from all the beauty and light and met the dark shadow, faced up to it and it did change me in a profound way. i lost a part of myself but gained experience. 
that's the thing, life draws you into different area and as you loose part of yourself you gain something as well. i am lucky, i led the writers life, each experience had meaning, it was never just a hedonistic one, there was purpose and growth to them, an evolution.
dolphin boys reminds me we once started a company called 'aid to evolution' and our plan was to evolve the human race but in the many years that have passed i understand evolution is a personal experience and we just were egotistical fools thinking we had a world to save. 
dolphin boy agrees with me and we reminisce a bit about those days when we were innocent and how the last few years and lessons have made us somewhat more isolated and detached from the world of man. 
later i speak to my cousin about aircraft, lots of stuff happening on that front, jesus that guy moves fast. movement seems to be on the cards, where do i go? 
he's looking at islands now, tells me to check out st. kitts, i can ship all my stuff out there in a container, although he has never seen my book collection and i think it's a seasonal kind of place, good surf though. not sure if i need such a radical change but i do like the whole idea of dramatic internal change although the last few days i have found a sort of peace, a relative happy spot i can return to. that's gotta be groovy. 

the moments
wake up in a strange sweat, my head is expanded into something else. an old friend rings me up, we speak for a long time and i understand our connection is much deeper than perhaps i gave it credit, unbreakable bond.
cathy has always been love incarnate so it's interesting to hear her speak about her journey. she is and always has been beautiful to me, kind and demonstratively loving. even after 20 years she tells me non stop how much she loves me. it's easy to believe her. 
we talk about jake and his current status. she used to hang out with jake a little. we talk about travel, we talk about tambourines and magick stuff, we talk about darkness and light, we talk about vibrations and resonance, some mayan stuff and the fact we should see one another soon. i guess i need to do something but all this choice of movement is making me do nothing. eventually the pressure will get so high i will do something, i guess. inertia is crawling up my spine making it's way into my brain box. it's either going to snap, crackle or pop. 
i have a interesting conversation with my counterpart dolphin persona, a man fish i surfed with for years who also has a similar heart based approach to life the universe and everything, he tells me of his journey, a strange tangled tale of the pursuit of money and how it damaged his marriage. i don't know what to say, the pursuit of money is everyones ambition it appears except ours, we choose love over cash. 
then there's you cryptic, secretive and unavailable to me. what can i count upon, only myself and the handful of people who seem to be manifesting from my long distant past. i wrestle with this occurrence. i don't go backwards but these people are catching up to me, they all seem to be there now. what's going down, i wonder. i really need to face this strange appearance of the past and understand why it has occurred at this time. 
maybe a short trip is in order. this would satisfy my need to get away and also my curiosity to explore this phenomena. 
mission control is shaping up, kitchen tidied, table reasonable and now the deck transformation into a new area i can play in, a hammock space for swingers. there's some outside work happening as well, a reenforced retaining wall and a new levelled corridor along the side of my house. 
the rest of the time i work upon my short story collection, a second edition with many changes to the first, longer stories tidied up and adapted. then i will put out volume 2 which will be a collection of new stories. it's a lot of laborious work, in front of a computer but i have to do it. 

rites of passage, finally finished, i can send it complete to my extrodiary editor for a tidy up. i will read it aloud soon, make necessary changes, do what i can but then it's time to let it go and put it out. finally, it's been a long time coming. i don't know if it's good or not, do i care. not really, it was a story that needed to be completed and my job is nearly done. just needs a superficial tidy up i guess.

now i need to focus upon the same tiding up with manifesto the other novel. it's lacking in parts but i have pushed ahead and may need a second opinion and some advice on what works and what does not.

it's my most recent work and may require distance and perspective before i understand it as finished.

dawn as the sun rises across the water with spectacular grandeur, the elements are dancing around me, hydrogen, oxygen my faves are entwined into my dna like the waves i watch. and then like a chariot crash a strange contrast overwhelms me, an inexplicable panic, ominous doom. my connection is so strong, so powerful it derails the moment and crushes my chest. there terror of it overwhelms and i'm caught between possible actions. 
i'm processing like it's life or death, like it's our survival.
right action mission right action, if i drive i will be a risk but the need is so powerful i couldn't care about the consequence. then there's the strangest feeling within my chest, the force that implodes within, what the hell is this?
a certain panic, a certain anti logic a massive anxiety bursts through the surface and pours through the world sweeping me in its torrential tide.
what is this?
an insignificance that crushes me, a feeling of inadequacy as everything is squeezed through the eye of the needle.
if i drove i would be a maniac, speeding straight to the source, it would be the wrong action, intrusive and uninvited. it would be wrong. yet it feels so right, so important as through my whole prime directive is set in this template. is that normal, natural or just insanity, i have no map for this only the feeling. i can only trust the feeling.
i take myself to the doctors, what is happening, chest pains, anxiety, a force i can't control or understand, is it physical, it feels that way. they offer me an appointment for this afternoon. 
that seems a long way away.
contact helps, i guess, i don't know, it's distant and abstract most of the time, whereas i need a total experience, yet it helps alleviate the symptoms. 
what is this?

the road is littered with plastic banjo's from some sort of carnival of dreams. i speak slowly but talk fast, memories pour into my head from another life, can't hang my hat on those i think. the ground feels wobbly, another earthquake moment as it swallows me up into the nothing of nothing and here in my fall i see so many faces i forgot about.

the phone rings, it's a message from the past, over 20 years. oh dear, i always feel uncomfortable when the past returns, it's probably because i have moved forwards so much i don't like being dragged back.
it's hard to know what to do. it's cathy, probably a famous actress by now. i was always impressed by how much weed she could smoke and still remember her lines, she was beautiful and smart so i feel somewhat disarmed by the message.

'is this captain mission from avalon?'

i sit on it for a while. it's tricky, a beast of a dilemma. 
eventually, i figure what the hell, and i text her back.
'yes it is.'

'i'm living on a gold coast, still in touch with emma in usa, love to catch up with you, we often think about you. so glad we are connected after 20 + years'

oh, i think 20 years, i have no memory of us even parting only surfing, smoking weed and laughing it up big time. she was always very beautiful and kind to me. she was possessed of an english quality i like, a gentle femininity, soft and safe. she had a confidence in that, which i respected. 

she is a hard mistress i know this from my own experience but she is true and loyal and loves. i know this as i feel it when i am tuned to her signal. i knew exactly what happened because i am usually in her signal. 
she is here to heal, there are no agendas, no ego. all those are part of you not her. it's easy to 'defy' most do but to 'embrace' is a different kettle of octopi, that takes mighty power and is not for everyone.
time is the teacher now in this stranger pathway, it's not the easy option, it's not the one we were offered or the one i feel good about but it's yours and that's what's important. so be it, i have to accept that and move onward. ay ho!

i'm moving through landscapes, for some reason cold barren mountains figure largely as setting. snow capped ice peaks, sherpa blues, lonely figures in the snow clambering through a terrible blizzard to reach...

the temple.

it sits upon the bleakest areas of the earth yet it radiates some kind of sanctuary, that deep spirit far away from distraction and maya.

i have a friend who is encouraging me to travel with him to nepal, i like this cat, he's excited by krisha and knows the myths. he has been working out a tour for me, cheap and off the map, something wild and dangerous i ask, something that will change everything, and he has the place in mind. 

indeed it is an ancient monastery, it survived being under ice for 400 years, it survived flood that killed thousands and a recent earthquake. it is known as kedarnath. 

my friend also says i can stay at his families home which would be excellent, i looked at some of the photographs from his phone, it's beautiful. simple but well suited to me.

'what's this stuff?' i ask him pointing to all the foliage that's growing around the house.

'marijuana, it grows wild.'

'but it's everywhere.'

'yes, it grows like a weed everywhere.'

interesting. a few months in the mountains with fresh supply of local weed and a monastery in the mountains sounds perfect.

then there's my cousin who calls me wanting me to go to colombo with him, south american girls, cocaine, cheap living, sunshine, beaches...

...temptation man, it's like an angel and devil on my shoulder. one seeking truth and liberation and weed, the other seeking pleasure. 

another fork in the road mission.

isn't it time for a spoon in the road. fuck man, i'd love a spoon one day. i'm tired of forks and knives.

 oh well back to reality, chop wood carry water. that's the way mission, follow the way for the moment. 

up early, ready to roll, i'm driving down the highway listening to some tune, thinking about some girl and some clown comes on the radio tells me how white my shirt should be. i can't get no satisfaction, but i try.
head in the clouds feet on the ground my impulse engine throbs with some new energy, the message is mortality, i have to leave all that death stuff behind now i no longer inhabit osiris, king of the underworld. his age came and went, now it's the child of union, my creativity spurts out in waves, staining sheets and the recent past, fuck my heart is busted into fragments but it still beats at least, it still pounds like a big bass drum and pumps that red stuff around like an ocean current of nutrients and plasma. i wonder if i will ever get over this and then i think sure, i will. i'm the only man alive who just moves in a straight line, way past my target, way past everything, why that line stretches out to infinity, and beyond.
I like the thoth deck a lot, her paintings capture the energy and forces at work within the universe. you can see the waves, the undulating processes the intelligence at work, it's beauty. i understand what i am now, the full deck. i forgot but it all came back to me   

something shifted yet again, i'm reading the right book, getting a much better understanding now of what i am, who i am and a reminder of what i need to do. it's strange the information comes in the thoth cards through the art of f. harris. very strange indeed but then entirely understandable.
i think i remember who i am now.
this journey gets stranger and stranger!

i know today (tonight and tomorrow) will be a huge experience for you and i want you to know it will be excellent. don't worry about anything, just let her do her work, don't fear anything, don't resist her and let her in deep. you and i are the same in essence so i understand how to approach this. go with intention and let her reveal what she must.
be completely open and embrace the ceremony as healing, nurturing and self care. this is your time, your personal healing space and i respect that completely because i respect you.
you will be safe. i will be here /there whenever you need me to be. you just have to call me when you are ready, right?
if you feel any anxiety play our waterboys song and know.

well it's all very fucking normal now, do i really have six months of this ahead of me. ho hum, it's a strange space, ordinary but on the positive side i am being very productive, driven. also motivated to walk, do my kung fu and finally sleep at least 5 hours a night with a siesta around 3pm for an hour. perfect.
i'm outta weed so i have to see a girl about my supply and demand issues. may as well fill my heart with smoke these ordinary days.
mission control is shaping up, small steps and i'm cleaning the whole place up, making space at least for myself to sit down at a table without being surrounded by books. the kitchen still looks amazing and i try very hard to maintain it. that's the trouble with living alone, you can get very blasé about appearance. anyway, i just gotta think about the important things now, like how to survive such a normal period without going sane. 
then my cousin rings and asks if i want to go to columbia with him. crazy cat, he connects me to a columbian lady in new jersey he thinks i would like, we chat for a while about beaches, waves and american politics but all i wanna do is get back to writing, i'm on a roll and don't wanna chat about anything else really. the day is passing me by and i have a certain chunk i need to get through to establish the endgame in 'rites' so i feel forced to terminate the call and get back to the real work.    
six months of normal days, what is a captain going to do?
travel looms up high, i must make a move somewhere but i'm frozen in my spot until i know, hopefully this weekend will shed some clarity for us all.

what a strange day, i wrote my way through it, a few more dents into the details of two stories i am writing, i don't know when i will be finished but it should be soon at this rate. the day just flew by, one moment it was dark, then light, now it's dark and midnight. where does time go when your in your zone. it don't fucking exist. such an illusion we create around time, it moves everything forwards towards decay and entropy. only the spirits journey matters really. that's why i always say time is just a way of stopping everything happening at once. 

i'm still freaked out by whats happened to the characters in my story, it's like she says write it and it manifests.

now i have a certain responsibility that has come to a fork in the road. do i write as a writer, completely free of any boundaries or do i take responsibility and adapt narratives to have positive outcomes. it's a strange situation to be in, and i can only think to betray my writers integrity would damage me as a writer so i have to just write as i write and hope there's a distinction between a spell and a story, and i am certain it's intention. my intention is to write whatever my muse directs me to write and my muse is a universe of possibilities, infinite characters and personas and tales rich with all sorts of diverse experiences and styles. it's like singing, you gotta find your voice and mine is pretty much a mix of influences that would never get published today which is why self publishing may work. no one wants to read these same story, no matter the genre, no one should have their intelligence insulted by some sort of manufactured boy band equivalent of the novel. it's better to explore, experiment and be dangerous with narrative. i mean  painting had its evolution but writing seems to be going backwards after the great provocateurs have left. 

  

the days have burst open upon me, a new feeling, a somewhat down to earth crash from which i am emerging. no more energies except the one i was born with. no more influences or forces, i am raw, basic and this is how it feels. 

a man. 

whatever i went through fundamentally changed me. i am and can never be the same. 

is that good? 

i can't attach a value to it as it's still happening. this is just process.

an opportunity i guess. 

she says live in the moments but only part of me does that nowadays, i realise how important that can be but also how dangerous it can be unless you have anchor points, a fixed moral code or ethical foundation. it's easy to transgress the self when in the moment.

i carry a fixed identity within myself, it's not what i know, it's what i don't. it's sculpted by what i don't want to be. and i only know this because i have been that, and felt a loathing for it. only by being true to myself can i know what my self is, i am loyal, creative, loving and intelligent. i am intuitive, adaptable, open and often inhabit many realms. but part of me is damaged, my heart opened to fast, to much was revealed and it should have been slower and natural, i should never have declared myself for that just made everything more complex and me vulnerable  i should have let go early and moved onwards or just said nothing about anything. the situation killed me, it crushed me and everything i thought was true turned out to be a lie. 

so what does that mean?

it means i give a second chance. 

it means i believe in myself, and you as part of me

it means i love and it is true.

it means i am just a man now. for the moment until i become something else.

yesterday we shared the deviant moon, and your comment about black wings. these are arcane subjects, not spoken off by normal people. are we telepathic? 

there is a powerful connection, i don't know what that means but i'm drawn towards the twin flames more and more as a guide for me to navigate lest i loose belief in all things. 

proof exists in experience and i am all about the experience, i always said, whatever it is, it's energy is sacred and i wanted to honour that. i still feel that sacredness, and i don't know why it has not diminished at all, only become deeper and clearer and more profound. 

but i am a man of commitment and require that in anything i do, if not committed then why bother. so therein lays my problem that i need to get my head around.

johnny marr - this tension

wandering around aimlessly in mission control like an old water tiger i went into the room some obscure compact discs that often take me down memory freeways are kept and finally found the one i was looking for, yes, wait for it/// bellydance's 'one blood' an amazing piece of groove that puts old captain fruitcake in a groovy mood. you know how it is, i'm music and light man and love apparently. so i stuck on me old bellydance cd and yeah, it felt so good i had a can of sardines for lunch, sat in the garden and blew some bubbles over at the next door neighbour. i had a lovely chat with my editor michelle who is in melbourne, she's a beautiful soul, i love chatting with her about books, writing, weed, heartbreak and social workers blues. cool cat and one day i'm going to drive down to melbourne with mutual friend nic and smoke some weed with her.
anyway, bellydance are fucking magnificent and i love them.

my possibility machine is fixed, i spent two hours on it this morning, and some of last night. there was a micro fracture under the surface, not sure what caused it but it's possible it could have been a manufacturing error, thankfully i patched it with some zeros and ones.
anyways, this morning i powered it up with a sunrise and saw an infinite array of universes sprawl out before me. wow, who would have thought they were all so reasonably bright, except one. that one made me violently ill so i blocked it and chose another pathway.
oh, yeah the new one has all the good stuff. that's what i am going for now. the good stuff. i punch some words and crunch some sentences  it's all so limitless when you see beyond infinity. 
i guess love will find a way after all.

managed to catch mike garson's BOWIE celebration show last night at the state. had front row seats and danced my ass off as they played all the classics, including sweet thing/candidate and sweet thing reprise. actually, it was awesome, i particularly enjoyed gerry lenords cover of 'andy warhol' which was mind blowing. thanks for the pick gerry.
the entire audience was up and danced through the show, and there was a lot of love in the air for the man.

martin von donaldson, a great and mighty man who lost touch with me back in the day. he like me was an oddity, a highly talented intelligent man who just couldn't find his place in the world. we thought we found it in west berlin but the winters and a strange love affair cast me adrift again and i ended up in australia 31 years ago, sans love affair and still an oddity. 
we briefly spoke once when i rang a studio randomly in berlin after the fall of the wall and asked if they knew martin. 
a thick german accent replied, 'jar jar, marty, he iz standing right here,'
we chatted briefly promised to catch up but never did.
he disappeared and i moved onwards.
martin and i kinda grew up together, he was my first friend and we connected over our mutual love of bowie. he was looking for a singer who liked bowie and lou reed, well i was the man for that job. we knocked out covers of waiting for the man, white light, cracked actor and what in the world as well as a few others. later we  both left london and lived together in germany but my tropical soul needed a warmer environment. kruezberg was a brilliant place to live and i did have a lot of amazing adventures but my soul needed something nourishing so i sought the sunshine and followed love.
now we are back in contact. it's lovely to see him and his wife together, living in spain, he's still the same kind of guy, a bit less hair but nothing much else seems to have changed. i'm really happy to hear from him, and i hope i can see him soon. we have some unfinished business.

everything still, the air is silent, the ocean a frozen surface of calm moments as i recede into something else. the birds swoop around me like st. francis and the cats and dogs all come out to say hello. it's a strange place to be as i have been here before, some sort of peace, some sort of moment where all is finally at rest. 
i must thank a few people who have offered love and support to me, you know who you are and i am grateful for your presence in my life.  
as for you, i miss my flame.

who is she?
by
the deep fix


she's like the naked and now,

she's part symbol and sign

she has the look of it all

but she can't escape time

it's like the dimensional shift

an ocean current or drift

it's the space within space

with such a beautiful face

and if the sun rises again

i'd like to be there to see

when she looks at her self
i hope she sees me

who is she?

she's like the queen of the faie
and she's coming your way
like the phoenix rising

straight out from the flame

it's not smoke or mirror
but a new kind of wave
an intelligent groove
we are hoping to save
and the numbers all add
to zero and nine
and then she will see
how to escape time

who is she

she's a beacon of light
on the head of a pin
she's the ancient codes of the new
and so we let it begin
it's like the wonders of love
wrapped up in a glove
and uber glamorous girl
beauty out in the world
and she's able to move 
when ever she's free
but if she ever finds home
i hope it's with me

who is she

finally i complete 'manifesto' it's not perfect or finished but the general story is done. will need an edit and an editor and possibly some changes, i dunno. loose ends to tidy up.

anyways i gotta focus on 'rites' which is getting there.

i called in on a local friend, she is a bit dangerous to be around but after a few drinks i sort of began to get comfortable, had a good chat and a laugh can't recall the next bits although i woke up with a sore head. how did i get home, mysteries?
i do a few chores around the house and ask a  friend to help clean up my kitchen, yay! she's spending the day with me tomorrow and going to completely rearrange everything so there's more space and everything will have a place. it's not that i can't do it myself i just have no motivation to do such a banal thing while i am writing however i feel imminent baking energy coming on.

yesterday i made an amazing banana cake, possibly the best one yet, those weird chaps at work devoured it up with such gusto and enthusiasm i feel like making more for them. 

i'm fluctuating between motivational force to write and deep sadness, can't seem to shake the disappointment in me old bones but hell, i love that woman and i know that's true for me despite all her questioning and doubts, all those weird accusations and cynicism. did i ever stand a chance i wonder. i guess you're dealing with a complex mechanism there old mission. it is, but i understand it and why it's there, i love it but it's totally pointless when used against me. i see it for what it is and it's not the woman i love. it's not the woman i know. it's borne from a past where she holds anger.  

there's the thing, i was so certain it was known. it was clarity for me all the way, i had a confidence in that like i have never ever had before and yet there was no real space for me in her life. she says her life is perfect now and i just turned up at the wrong time. i didn't know. i had no idea, i just fell out the sky myself, it's not like i have a mechanism for arriving on time re: falling in love, it just happens when it happens although i could be totally wrong. i never lived in time so that's new as well. i'm glad her life is perfect in a way, she does deserve it, a perfect life. 
well i must move onwards into the unknown now. 
it's all unknown it's something like being shoved off balance. i don't know anything really except things are far from perfect now. maybe i just need to get out and loose myself in some new environment, i certainly feel that pull but all i can do for the moment is keep writing. 
back to manifesto, lots of small glitches and narrative points that require fixing, plus there's a plot line i don't quite think works so i need some help. help?

some days i are better than others, that's what the actress said.
she was waiting for the hero to come save her skin
while the villain was contemplating.
there should be a train along in a moment, have i got enough rope?
should i reveal my plan to the audience or tell another pantomime joke.
the actress she look so bored, going through the motions
the acting life was not going well, like she had planned.
maybe i should have married that freak, had his babies and lived the good life, comfortable and mediocre. maybe it would not have been half as bad as i thought, for thinking always gets me in trouble. 
the audience offer a round of half hearted applause. 
she takes a bow and then a courtesy to the handclaps, but mostly people are already making their way up the isles and towards the exit.
the house lights come on but she's already left the stage.
in her dressing room lay's a bouquet and a card, they sit there next to the mirror reflection. she has already stopped in her tracks, and her mood shifts from dejection to joy. it's the first time she has ever received flowers and despite her cynical mask the sight fills her with joy and expectation. she takes off her wig and sits in front of the mirror, carefully she picks up the roses and brings them to her nose. 
the floral hit sweeps over her, as if her nerves are soothed in an opium bliss but fleeting, it passes fast leaving her dazed.
her fingers reach for the small envelope and opens it carefully.
'you were magnificent, a star in my night sky.'
it was not signed but written in black ink, the handwriting was embellished with swirls and dexterous shapes, intricate and complex, very feminine a strange emblem in bright red marked the lower corner, it was a partial kiss in rose red matching lipstick. no signature.
she sat in the darkness lit only by the halo of lightbulbs that made an arc around the mirror. the roses were amazing and she wanted to put them in water but the mystery of where they had come from overwhelmed her. surely someone who went to so much trouble would wish me to know who they are, she thinks. 
suddenly the door swings open and the stage manager, arnold pops his head into the room, 'jesus, it's dark in here, turn the lights on.'
'arnie, no i prefer the dark, besides i'm to depressed for lights. so, how the hell did we do?'
'abysmal, i think tonight was the last show, creditors are going to be here in the morning, we owe them so i have to stick around but you should get out.' 
his face suddenly lights up, 'hey, did you get flowers?'
'yeah but i'm not sure who sent them, it's a woman. why would a woman send me flowers?'
'who cares, roses as well.'
'mmm, it's a bit strange arnie.'
arnie left her to it.
she grabbed the face flannel and started cleaning off the make up that plastered her face.
dressed in an evening gown she walked out, carrying the bunch and a small bag of her materials. it wasn't until she reached the stage door she noticed someone following her.
tall elegant and clothed in fine materials, the woman drifted towards her with outstretched arms embracing and inviting. 
the actress did not recognize the woman but she looked quite beautiful and high class.
'they are very beautiful, i thank you from the bottom of my heart.'
'you are a magnificent actress my dear and i appreciate your skills.'
'i will place them in a vase as soon as i get home.'
the mysterious woman smiles and then makes a request, 'i am sorry to intrude but i was wondering if i can have a few moments, perhaps over some tea.'
'of course you may.'
they find a quiet tea house on a side street and the woman launches into her request.
'i seek a double, and i see you and i have the same type of appearance, we share similar bone structure and height, a touch of hair dye and you would look like my twin.'
the actress stares at her doppelganger. there was a certain resemblance but it is fleeting, on closer inspection they are quite different.
'you would be paid a large amount to act out a role on my behalf.'
'large you say?'
'yes a small fortune for a nights work.'
'tell me the details.'
tea arrives and the ladies discuss the proposal.
the deal is the actress will marry the fiance of the mysterious woman. the only time the veil will be lifted is when they kiss and he will have his eyes closed as is his habit. the deal being at any time in the relationship there is a catastrophic failure she can release herself because they are not technically married. the actress will be paid a thousand pounds in gold coins.
it sounds like a good plan on the surface and she agrees, the gig will finish after the ceremony and then the mysterious woman will replace the actress unbeknown to her groom.
perfect.
only at the same time the groom was seeing his double and proposing the same deal.
the moral of this story is trickery and deceit gets you nowhere.  

twin flames, what a strange idea, i always figured i was unique and alone. i was quite content being alone, happy and at peace. i'd found my zen paradise and then WHACK!
you fell out from the sky. is this real you kept asking. well yeah, i am real. i wish i wasn't. i'd like to be a dream or fantasy but i'm real. everything about me is real despite my fucking unreal life. are you fucking real? 
my first question to you this time around was, 'who fucking sent you?'
that's not me being paranoid baby, that's me being real.
all that twin flame stuff you sent me i never really liked hearing about it, it was something alien and to far out for me even. i liked the romantic element but we never had that. we had a triangle and there was no romance so how could that seem real to me. 
yet some of it got through, that stuff made sense, it described me.
i don't understand much about it, everyone seems to know more than me on the subject. i often ask random people if they have ever heard of such a thing and they all say, 'ohh yeah, it's amazing.' 
see, i'm the last one to know these things.
so are you my twin? 
it would appear there is something in this right?
how do you explain it. 
i can't.
then the new video you sent that describes your position, wow! 
i did understand that although it took two listens and a friend to explain some of it to me. okay, i don't understand all of it, i don't follow other people's ideas and concepts but that lady seemed to have a much clearer way of expressing the position than i had heard and yes, some of it did penetrate my mind. 
so now i find myself in a different space, clear and fresh, a good place where i can move fast and forwards. i still don't subscribe to  an idea just because someone else has mapped it out, i find that slightly absurd. my marriage ended because some tarot card woman said i had an affair, a complete lie, yet my ex believed this to be true. therefore i have great apprehension in following a lot of these people however in my self i trust therefore, i'm letting it all go, i can do that. it's what i do until i find someone whom i can hold onto.

travel plans coming together finally, there's fucking light at the end of this tunnel. it's going to mean some hauling ass across a few places and some weird adventures with dangerous peoples but i'm ready for anything now, in fact gimmie danger little stranger and i'll feel your appeal. it's going to mean a huge chunk of time out but that's exactly what is required now. i can exit and disappear into thin air like a forgotten abandoned ghost. 
i have the future to forget, the past to catch and a moment of now to share. it's poetic in a way, the way the cards fell, the devil is out playing poker with souls but at least i am the one that gets away. 
there's a lot of work i need to do, repair myself. fix the fucking stupid thing that fucked me up. my old heart needs a reboot and it's not going to just happen in a vacuum. i think i understand everything now. that video she sent me is amazing, it does appear to speak more truth than perhaps i was ready to hear. i'm changing perspective. i'm doing it for us. there must be an us otherwise it's all just random shit and i refuse to believe that. in fact i will die fighting for the idea we have meaning and it is unfolding. everything will unfold in time as it must and i know my vision was accurate and true. yes timing was wrong for you, but in the grand scheme of things it was divine time, it is time. time is divine, just like you are. and me. i am also part of something divine, it exists within me, deeper than i know. you must have seen it else you would never have bothered with me, i saw a glimpse through you and surprisingly various others who seemed to echo your sentiments. the biggest deception was my own self which could not believe in my own self. now that's ironic. 

always tripping over the next hallucination i find myself looking at the ocean down at the beach at dawn, it's so inviting i dive in, splash around, not much wave action but it's refreshing and kind. gentle splashes as i'm joined by some people in wetsuits, the old diggers, an early morning ritual. they swim past me out to the buoy (goldie) named after a dog that was a local surfer.
the sky and water are the same washed out turquoise, there's a small break that rides just above the shoulders as i suspend myself hoping it has force. it has weak force but it's groovy and sweet and i love it up. 
when i spin around and face the shore i notice the huge black shadow above the town, rain clouds, shaped like the end of everything. the sun suddenly extinguishes itself. i'm in another extinction event, people are running around, cars speed along, technicolored pandemonium moves quickly into darkness as the shadow obscuring sunlight like a cowl or batman's cape. times run out. i watch humanity sink or swim with vague indifference. i have seen everything under the sun, and now i get to see it under a cloud, the result is the same, i just want one final wave.
the surf swells, rising up. 
i wait patiently pondering the now deserted town, i can see the car park where i parked my car. it sits alone like a drop of blood. the shadow is moving fast and there are no waves coming, only one small figure silhouetted upon the shore hands swirl around it's head and i understand that it is waving. i watch momentarily hands move in arcs, drawing down power, legs sway like some sort of gymnastic ballet, precision and grace. 
who is that? 
who is it waving to?
i'm the only person left in the fucking ocean.
i start swimming towards the shore, towards this figure. the rain falls heavy, it makes quite a racket as i emerge from the water and run towards the lithe figure. it's a woman with a girls body, slim and slender, an pixie or elf, no, it's agent alchemist.
we embrace, it's been so long and i escort her to my car but she has her own, a french sporty convertible with a single windscreen wiper, i think of lady grinning soul but the rain suddenly turns to snow.
'can you bring the sun back?' i ask.
she waves her hands in some intricate gesture and the snow stops, sunlight rays across an immaculate horizon and the sky turns pinkish, birds start singing, even the water looks calm now. 
she's smiling, that face probably launched a thousand ships, armies and navies went to war for a face like that, ancient peloponnese sacked for beauty. yeah yeah, i see it all, karma, fate, destiny, it's all there if you know how to see. sometimes i wonder if it's my eyes or brain that offer me such vast perspective. is it a curse or a blessing.
the sun rises again, and she looks amazing. hold on to that mission i think. but the moment i think it, i have to let it go.

i guess there's only so many chocolates and tubs of ice cream you can eat right. eventually you just run out of tears and are forced to leave the sofa where you have camped for four days, sending out for pizza and smoking enough weed to keep jamaica smiling for years.
eventually you have to shower and clean your teeth and start answering calls. fuck there's been a lot of people trying to catch me, but to be honest i'm not that enthused to get back, i'd just bore them with war stories. nope, it's best if i just stay on the sofa and smoke more weed, watch romantic comedies and drink that black beer i like till i pass out. maybe i will sleep a few hours, i certainly need to. blah! 
occasionally i manage to write a few e mails, research a trip, add to a story i'm writing but the pull of the sofa is strong. my heart hurts, it feels really weird and my guts ache like hell. the only place for me at the moment is under a blanket. 
i don't like this feeling at all. i'm such a clique.
and then like a prayer answered she turns up at 2am to speak. i don't know what she's saying though, a whole bunch of stuff, speaking tongues, talking heads, it just pours out from her like niagra falls, and i'm in a barrel falling over the edge.
the gist of it is time. she needs time. so what can i do, time is where i am stuck in since she turned up, time is my prison. so i guess i will just pace it's dimensions and see what happens while doing a few other things. completing my books for starters and planning a trip where i can just loose myself in something else. spain calls, nepal screams, and canada is an option now for a more permanent position. alternatively, i could just stay put and see what happens over the awful winter months ahead. maybe hell will freeze over. maybe heaven will arrive with all its angels and angles, i don't know anything, i'm just drifting through a shit load of hurt.  
we watch the sun rise over terrible beach and for a moment i feel happy and home, but it can't possibly last and as soon as i feel it, i let it go.

although i write this blog every day and it represents an aspect of myself, it is not me. i have met a few readers of my blog and they all say i am not what they expected, that's because i am a writer and use this platform for a multitude of reasons.

to discipline my skill - i write stream of consciousness  whatever is in my head when i sit i write, no edits no reviews  and i just post it and generally never revisit it. ms mission did point out that this was dangerous as my writing was coming true. taking this on board out of respect i did not publish over 20 pieces and ended up deleting them. a big mistake, some of them were very good. but i was nervous about influence and thought i should respect her wish. there is a point to it. words do have power and can influence events but they have to have a vibration behind them. they have to have an intentional power that charges them. mine were generally not powered by anything, i entered my writing state and just wrote. same way i always have. my writing is not prophetic. it is visionary.

a magickal diary - this is just a record of events and magickal work, magick is not witchcraft, witchcraft is completely different. witchcraft follows a completely different framework than magick. different conditions. 

experimental - it's all just random ideas, thoughts, stories, memories, fleeting moments, waves that surf through my mind. but not the ocean that is me. so if people feel puzzled by my post they should ask me for clarification or bare in mind, i am not what i write, just like stephen king is not a serial killer or ghost.

creative - i like creative writing, so here is a place i can explore it. i used to post my stories up here before publishing them. i will continue to do so but i'm working on some novels so that takes up a lot of time. 

process- or therapy, i find sometimes i can write out my situations and gain understanding, clarity from them. i'm the first to admit the recent love one has fucked me. i have no idea what to make of it. i know i'm not in good shape as i was before the experience but loves a battlefield, or a game show right? 
gonna get wounded if your in it mission. that's just what happens.
however this wound will not stop my heart nor will it stop my quest for love. i'm open to the whole thing but this time on my own terms. i'm not after anything else but loyalty and a partner who wants to do everything with me by their side and i hers. that's pretty much what will happen from now on. 

i'm sorry for my anger, i really am, it's not really anything i'm familiar with. it just came from the situations nexus and my own disappointment. 

i thought i had found my home. i invested my emotional core in that place. i really did. i thought i had finally found what i was looking for. home. 

all my perceptions were incorrect i guess, i just fell into the whole void thinking it was all going to be something else. 

i'm still reeling from the whole thing. i feel ugly about myself and don't know how to shake it other than wiping myself out of the whole  picture. i lost pretty much everything i believed in but at the back of my mind i feel i should just keep going onwards, write another spell and make it much more accurate and specific. i don't have to use the universe as a broker, i can just do it on my own. 

alternatively i can just go hang out with the zen girls and see what happens there. i should live in the moment as she said. take the joy and laughter option and indulge myself in things that make me happy. it all feels wrong but maybe i just have to do something wrong to make it right.

i'm so fucked up about it i can't even think. all my values are challenged, changing and inverting. there is something awakened now, it's deep in my bones and being born again. it's stronger than i was in love, a powerful surging need for pleasure instead of this emotional pain.

when i think about it lust is better than love. it's more honest, you don't have to use your brain and think about it, it's far less painful, it's base and real. love is just confusion, hurt and pain, no real growth at all there for me really, just steps backwards into something infantile if there is growth i don't understand what it is. just a pattern that repeats itself over and over until it's boredom numbs. 

oh well it's a new day i guess, gotta make some plans in the next few days, i think my walkabout. ho hum!

a poem

anger diminishes, 
beauty fades, 
as we all see through everyone else's facade. 
the strange, the super,
the one who chooses, 
the winner is the one who looses, 
for these are the lessons in the heart of love, 
it's all just a game played for, 
laughs.

agent stone is my best friend. i have not seen her for so long it's making me very sad but today she sent me a card from an aboriginal pack as she has just returned from northern territory.

the card was 'walkabout' which indicated a long journey away for a while, which is exactly what i want to do now. 

thank you agent stone. i am so lucky to have you as a friend, i really am. i'm also so sorry for just not being there when you needed me. i fucked up, i should have been there with you and kia as i imagine you would have needed a guy around to lean on. i feel so fucking bad about this, you were always and still are an amazing friend to me, and never a day goes by when i don't think about the times you helped me out and saved my ass.

i look back on those nights we hung out with such fond memories  me practicing my kung fu with you. the moon adventures and the night clubbing. i always listen to 'temperamental' by everything but the girl and think of those nights driving around with you. 

those nights we clambered the rocks down at avalon beach under the moon, magick. you were the best friend i could ask for. you were always there.

my friend justine, killed by a policeman in the usa. she was the most beautiful lightworker of them all. a true light and beacon of hope for humanity. today we may have something close to justice for her in human terms. it's never going to be enough but those that knew her were blessed by her and all she stood for. an angel.