early morning i watch the glorious surf roll in but cannot get in as my cough is still bad, however it's very inviting and everyone says it's warm. another two weeks and i probably will return to the ocean, i can't get in prematurely and get ill again. instead i chat with a few locals, some girls come over to say they have missed me, and i give a brief rundown on my last few months. no word from bubbles, i know she's not well and probably in bed asleep and i don't want to ring but it's strange not hearing from her. my intuition tells me she is not that interested in me, i'm not the guy she met 20 years ago, my life is much more domestic and introverted. i dunno, i just feel she won't see me again. later in the evening i ring to check in, but she is short and not that interested in talking. i guess what i want is some confirmation, communication. if i have to let go i'd like to know now so i can move forwards. i hate holding patterns. it's not like I would mind, i'd accept whatever the outcome is but i rather know now than later.

i'm philisophical about this, whatever's going to happen let it happen, or not. at home i do more laundry and look at the fire damage upon my tropical plants, it will require some landscaping, full on tearing out trees, plants and natural fencing. i've ideas about what to put there, some weed perhaps after all i have seeds. i also search my house for an oil heater, i'm sure i have one at home, of two but nothing is there. 

i sit down to write, a novel i must get out this year, it requires work, it's an insane story and when i read it back, there are weak areas. i can make it much better but i need time and some feedback. maybe these few months i can attack it, get it done. plus there's my song i worked out with tez and gene, they need fresh vocals and as soon as i can sing without coughing i'll get that down. couple of days methinks. it's a prority. i've heard some demos, and wow! it's stunning but tez and jean seem to have the skills whereas i just write.

the other big descision i have made is to do something with my hair, something radical and interesting, i do some investigative work and find a place that may work in hornsby. out of the blue i am called into work by my boss who begs me to help he out so i figure it will be warmer at work and drive in, on the way i stop at the hardressing place and get a quote. it's a lot but i gotta do something with the mess atop my head. now it's a question of when and logistics. i may train it in and back sometimes next week.

at work everyone wants me to bake a cake, even my boss. there's a butter cake mix there so i do some magick with it, add some berries, mashed bannana, honey and mct oil. my boss takes half the cake home, the clients all sit around eating and licking the spoons, happy people. it's nice, i like making cakes for these guys, they are nothing special, just regular cake mix with my own varients but these whackos show so much appreciation and its easy for me. i cook three meals and bake a cake, everyone content. i even get paid for it. 

later bubbles calls me, she's still sick but it's lovely hearing her voice, even if she hates me, i will always think of her as the one that got away, and her picture will always remain upon my wall, gazing down at me. that enegmatic look, those eyes, twenty years.

the sun sets fast and the temperature drops, it's been a long day which starts at the beach catching up with monique, i hear our mutual friend is back on monday and i'm looking forwards to seeing him. monique asks me if i had tried the mushrooms we bought, she said she had one square and was impressed. but her son ate 6 and was hallucinating wildly and his friends had to bring him home as he was loosing it. i confesses bubbles and myself had eaten the lot over several nights. i put in an order for more. she was about to go for a surf and asked if i wanted to join her but i was not feeling 100% plus it was freezing. it had been a while since i had seen her and it was great to catch up. 

at home i did a lot of work cleaning, dusting vacuuming and polishing, i got stuck into the front garden and then sat in front of my laptop writing. there's a few things i need to tidy up writing wise.

by evening i'm spent, ready for bed. out of fire starters and for the first time in a while i don't light the fire. my cough seems to get worse in the evenings, it's annoying as speaking is difficult. i listen to the predators cd,  it's very very good. it's taken me about two months to get around to playing it.

bubbles rings me, safe and sound, home, in record time. i'm glad she is safe but she sounds tired and sick, a reflection of myself at the moment whom is coughing and spluttering. conversations short as i recognise she needs sleep and some space . i get a late afternoon visit from agent wilde, she's brought around some lozenges for me, and we have some tea and cake, it's nice to see her, been a while and she seems in good spirits.i fill her in on my month, she's amazed at my bubbles tale, '20 years', the photograph on my wall, the fact we both had brain issues and the weird reconnection out of the blue. i guess it is a pretty unusual sequence.

i try to explain bubbles to her, it's complex as she is no conventional personality but i manage and agent wilde says, 'i think i will really like this girl.' yeah i think so to. we finish tea and cake and she disappears back home, i'm left with the cold, the awful ache and the strange sadness lingering. separation anxiety, only the surf would fix me, but it's freezing.

she's long gone now, on the highway,  stopping at hotels and restaurants,  a whispered conversation here and there, she is not one for goodbyes, no sentimentality there, just a practical mindset, no romance or affection, it's just one thing to the next. we are quite different. i'm all or nothing, in or out, 100% or nothing, because i am so certain about myself but i have learnt to let these things pass,  windows and doors open and close, i see the portal and it's potential future and what kind of leap of faith is required. it's beyond trust, it's a huge big faith.

fire burns around me, loud crackling, flames 8ft high licking at my trees as it consumes my plants. if it was not for the sound i'd have never known, that consuming devouring fire has, it eats all in its path. i'm leaping out with the hose, it's intense but i whack it on,  spraying dow at the flames, then across is sweeping motions, the heat is nuts, the black charcoal patch that trails up the trunks, the fumes, the terrible stench but this fire must be quenched. my neighbour comes over to assist buy by now it is well under control.  my gorgeous ginger plant has been destroyed but fortunate that's the worst of it.

it's a lot of drama for one day, i return to domestics.

for those that see, the few humans with vision, those free people, clear minds unpolluted by media, ideologies and causes, for those rare individuals who understand the cosmos there is only one way out of the prison humanity has now termed freedom. up is down, in is out, left is right, and everyone is saturated with someone else's program. it's not as simple as mind control for those that think they are at risk of mind control are often the ones who are controlled and like any virus have a need to control the ones they think are running the virus. everyday in cafes, in streets and towns i hear the inane nonsense of these so called 'awakened' ones who are just as brain dead as those that they label asleep. there is no awake and no asleep, you are all fallen under the spell cast by your own prison of mind. no ideology can liberate you, no human intervention will reveal the truth, yet the truth has already been revealed, and it is divine. soon it will come, the liberating power of excession, an event so beyond comprehension we will not understand it at all but only decipher it in terms of divine. faith baby. it works.

as I stand at dawn, the golden path awaits, the fragile civilization is just illusionary, for in these new dimensions intention must be purified upon the furnace of truth. i just see ashes and smoke and the zombie apocalypse gains ground. i'll step into the golden light. 

cold, ice cold almost as mission control's supply of wood reduces before my eyes, it's the algebra of diminishing returns as the winter marches the fire burns more brightly until there is no fuel. i calculate i have sufficient to get me through.  both meredith and myself cannot quite fathom how cold it gets here, and i explain in my history of travelling and living in various ice climates this is the coldest place i have stayed.

we have eaten psychedelics and laughed the cold away, she's a funny girl, always made me laugh hysterically. she say's she loves me but i don't believe it. she knows i love her, which is something. i dunno  love is a verb for me. who knows where this will lead, i just don't want a repeat of past mistakes, a flame on, burn out type situation, i need something reliable, consistent and real. these qualities seem very reasonable and simple yet they have alluded me all my life, bad choices and an over developed sense of loyalty, yet i am who i am. however there's a lot going in our favour, and a high potential this could work for us. like, love, lust. we have that, despite the weird quantities and mix, we also have a past, we have a now and we have a future which is brighter than ever. 

for the moment we have about 48 hours left before she returns to adelaide and there's nothing really major that can happen in that time to change the harmony although separation anxiety may kick in somewhere. peas in a pod for about one month. soon i will be on my own,  falling into my routine, beach in the morning, training for one hour, home and work. my energies will be focused upon finishing a few novels, and getting home cleaned up. it looks chaotic, meredith living out of suitcases, my kitchen cluttered and spilling over with weird medicines, condiments and cooking utensils. the book mountains. all these things need attention. everything requires time, the resource i value most.

late night shenanigans art mission control with meredith and myself,  and thus, no sleep for me, but i did have a groovy night. 

the day seem to slip into easy action, some chores, some shopping, some chatting and then i seemed to hit the ground running, as sleep deprivation claimed me and an early night pulled me in it's overwhelming gravity towards the deepest sleep i have had for years. nice. 

as it happens i seem to be passing my health tests with fling colours, the heart specialist reckons i'll be off my meds in 8 months after referring me to newcastle hospital who are doing experimental surgery on AF patients. he said my results are perfect. my results regarding lungs will be finalised on monday when the results from the breathing tests are reconciled by the respiratory doctor. and then there's the outrageous UTI I had from out of the blue which made every one panic thinking it was some form of tumour or or cancer, after a blast of very strong antibiotics and an MRI  it appears i am okay.

this is fantastic news for me, specifically as i require a positive outlook to be productive. by tuesday i should know more and be able to plan some movement.

meredith is still here, all good, very cool, she's perfect including all her weird flaws and idiosyncrasies, possibly the most eccentric individual i know, yet we are uniquely compatible. it really is bizarre but it really is lovely and easy. so there's that!

well today i have a number of tests being run on me at the hospital, i guess when the results are in i will know but until then it's chop wood carry water.  to be honest i feel okay, just another challenge and just another day on planet earth.

 oh dear. have i run out of time? 

it's hard to second guess, but this morning i had a health scare, ha, who hasn't had one since that fucking jab, anyway, it appears i need urgent medical health. all the fucking medication I am using for my heart issue is effecting every other organ in my body, especially my kidneys, thank you spike protein. i never needed you in my life but you forced your way in thanks to stupid bureaucrats and zombies who do what they are told. i'm not even angry just feeling defeated as the closer i get to what i wanted the further it gets. not everyone gets happy endings, someone has to loose out in order for someone to win, but what the fuck is the game, control, domination, power, or just an insane pathology. 

tick tock the time bomb goes, the second hand makes it's circuit, there's only one way out mission in this game of chance, and that's in. the red wire or the blue, i was never very good at choices. i'll just pull them both and see what happens.

last night in perfect harmony meredith and myself sat down to watch a magnificent tv series called 'pluribus' written by the 'breaking bad' writer. a strange transmission is picked up by boffins who discover embedded inside a code for altering dna through rna (sound familiar) however this code transforms the survivors into a new kind of human, a human that shares a hive mind and only wants peace, tranquility and to transform others, (a meme) and despite the billions of deaths there are 12 humans globally who are resistant to the virus, and the series follows the life of one. a brilliantly flawed character and both meredith and myself like her a lot. there are some great ideas in this show plus a original humour that is refreshing to see on modern tv. ah, science fiction, still the best genre.

waterboys 'endless store'

 

the waterways, from the fishermans blues sessions released upon atlantic rain, the gift that keeps on giving.

the ice cold penetrates every aspect of mission control including my old bones, even my blood feels like it's freezing over. my guest is also suffering so i investigate the local wood dealers, all have pushed their prices up due to the ice age but I'm in no position to argue. 

when the wood comes it's dumped outside in a pile and we both load and stack it outside the front door, the work almost destroys me, my back is already damaged and now it just feels terrible. however mission control is  very hot, the fire works wonders.

while catching up at work i notice i have about 6 months long service leave, it's quite a big chunk but i'm not sure what to do, the last thing i really want is to travel anywhere, but next summer if the weather is good, i may take a month off for surfing activities and just to relax, maybe if i can afford it a week away up in brissy which i've always wanted to explore. however current contentment and lack of curiosity will probably keep me local. plus i had a lovely visit from meredith who drove up from adelaide to visit, and so far it's been well, like 20 years gap never happened, but it did, i guess it would be foolish to avoid it. both of us have changed but in good ways, wiser i guess, and we are determined not to rush into anything and establish a close friendship before anything else. that bit's just happening naturally and it's really nice. she's a very peculiar individual and her traits compliment mine, the only thing i need to do is really a few simple modifications and forwards we go.

yesterday we went for a lovely walk in the sunshine, had a nice small simple lunch and just spoke about our weird history and how amazing it is to be together. in the evening we watched a scary australian movie she recommended, 'bring her back' which was excellent up until the messy ending which although satisfying could have been better. 

i've a lot of medical appointments this month, heart, chest, kidneys ect so it's nice to actually have someone who is happy to be my next of kin, in australia, who will assist me. unfortunately jake is in london.

it's very cold, the bitter winter has arrived and it is chasing my heels as i reacclimatise myself. i need to get some firewood, the fire will make all the difference. to counteract the cold i end up taking myself to bed very early. it's the warmest place in mission control, and at 1900 i tend to read for a few moments and then fall asleep, waking up just before sunrise at 0600 and heading down to catch the sun rise. whales are migrating south at the moment so if i'm lucky i may catch a few but now the rain has come going outside becomes tricky and my enthusiasm less.

today i return to work after 7 weeks away, this creates a split in me, half not wanting to go, the other dealing with the reality. it's been so nice being away from all the stupid people i work with, their petty scheming, undermining and competitive natures. however i have a mission there and need to make a considerable dent in it while i can. 

everything is so uncertain, it's not just an uncertain moment, it's an uncertain decade. war, plague, hate and lies, it's all there at the door and i have surrendered to the fight, all you zombies can eat yourselves while i just bunker down and keep my own peace. just gotta stay away from the vast amount of ignorant people, especially the new ones who claim to be awakened. it's almost like saying 'your spiritual' those types are the ones i avoid. 

yesterday i had a conversation with someone who wanted to find a partner, 'they must have integrity,' and i thought, there's a demand you will never meet. in my mind integrity is a moment to moment thing, under the right circumstances it can change and often does, so there's no point desiring it, all you can do is find your own and know that it to will shift and change as your life does. integrity is a warning sign, like spirituality, if you have these things there is no need to speak of them. 

back home. finally. it was quite a journey, lots of delays and waiting in planes and airports and then being singled out for customs in Sydney, which was ridiculous as I need up being the guinea pig for the drug dogs when a customs officer planted a bag in my trolly to test her hubby. obviously she asked me, but the irony was not lost. i touched down at 6am and was home at 11am. 

straight into the garden which is a mess, then laundry, unpacking and putting stuff away and then showering, shopping and sleeping. i went to bed at 1630 and awake at 0500 the following morning. my back still hurts but i'm determined to catch the sunrise at terrible beach this morning.

it's neither hot nor cold here, very mild for winter and there are even a few people surfing, i say hi to a few locals and have my first good coffee in a month, i saviour every drop. i still have bags under my eyes and it may take a while for those to go away but generally i feel good.

later in the day the sun goes behind a cloud and i can feel the temp drop. chilly. back home for more domestics.