as well as being unable to display comments i've now somehow lost a weeks worth of posts somewhere in bloggers black hole and a technical issue at mission control has severed me from internet access, which may or may not be a blessing in disguise.
i must say the last few weeks have been poor, i'm not really in good form and probably need a break from everything, an endless period of working night shifts plus my two and a half hours public transport journeying each way every night / morning is taking it's toll, left me really exhausted and extremely jet lagged, i have been doing this for three months now. my body is falling apart and my mind is somewhat stretched trying to just do the basic things one needs to do like work out what day it is. i crave a good nights sleep the way a vampyre craves scarlet johanson's neck, it's out of reach. it's my own fault for loosing my license, never again will i speed, from now on it's life in the very slow lane.  
i'm probably going to have to take some time off soon, i can't continue like this and yesterday morning on the bus ride home i had some weird stress induced attack that left me very shocked although i'm sure it was nothing to serious. my friend tried to take me to a doctor but i managed to loose him outside the medical centre and return to mission control alone. i have a great aversion to doctors and their goods.
in and out of erratic sleep, grabbing hours here and there, power naps leave me powerless, i'm grabbing food on the run, i'm an intravenous coffee hound, i'm a fiend for sleep, a trader in bad dreams and nightmares, i'm in REM deficit, i'm loosing my grip, my paranoia will annoy you, my nervous disposition is an imposition, i drive people away, i'm a magnetic repulsion field, i'm a hostile takeover bid gone nasty, i'm an h bomb baby, i'm the theory of irrelativity, i'm stone cold in my sobriety, the joints are not jumping, i'd kill for one right now, it's been a long time, just to take away the pain and numb the whole sorry mess. 
tonight i haul my sorry ass to the bus where i ride head buried in      
alastair reynolds new book blue earth remembered which is brilliant so far, i've nearly finished it and will post a little review later but i keep my head down, keep myself to myself as my fellow passengers all shout into mobile phones, they sneeze and cough, they are tanked up on beer and the girls shriek at the boys across the bus, i bite my lip and read about a society of machines left to scavenge on mars, as they slowly form some kind of society, some kind of intelligence but the noisy bus keeps intruding. 
i close my eyes, make it all go away and perhaps i sleep a little. later on the train i pass epping and look at the big dark sky, the spitting rain, the strange outline of trees, some random lights from offices and homes, suburbs pass us by. this is my life at the moment, in transit, an exhausted passenger on a journey without end, coming apart from the inside out.