yesterday, written off with a host of people trampling through mission control, making a mess and leaving a trail of dirt, dust and debris behind them.  i can't even park in my driveway, it's blocked by skips and trucks. the work is coming to completion but it's kinda nuts, i'm really getting frustrated that it's taken so long and the builders are not able to listen to what i want. i guess they just want the cash and to save as much on materials, whereas i am trying to get my vision made. anyways, we are nearly there, it's going to look really fine once it's all finished. i just have to move stuff inside a very narrow doorway. i only want a beanbag in there, a ceiling fan and fridge. that's my plan, the walls will be books and some plants scattered around the edges. 

today, just as crazy only i start with my workout, and then a surf, the water is so warm, waves are friendly but not powerful, i splash around and play for a while.

later the afghans arrive to complete the building, it's the same as usual, a mess everywhere, mistakes and the usual cutting corners leading to more expense. i really was just trying to help them, new business, i figured they may get a good start with a guy that is laid back and not so committed to deadlines but this is now dragging onwards for months when it should have taken a week. oh well.

in the afternoon i find myself at a loss, it's pointless cleaning up now when tomorrow the mess will return. everything is half completed, half chaos, i like home to be tidy and everything in it's place, it calms me. i make a halfhearted attempt to clean up but it's like sisyphus says, meaning, absurdity or meaning in absurdity.

yesterday, i do something bad to my neck, pain is shooting through my shoulder, sleep is impossible. everything is intense, all my nerve ending are on fire and there is no release. i return to work, my house a complete disaster. in my anger i blast the builders, and they promise to return this week to fix their mistakes. then my washing machine breaks down. saturn moving closer, it's now  march 6th, so tomorrow it will be official. i'm in a new state of consciousness, one  have not experienced, where pain is everything. i can't even hold a bottle of water. when i get to work my boss gives me a generous dollop of her herbal medicine, a balm made with plants. it's cold burn neutralizes the hot one and for a moment there is a reprieve. 

today, i didn't sleep at all last night, although i managed to tidy up a few things. the interior looks somewhat better but it is still a form of chaos. once the fix is complete i can begin the rearrangement and repositioning of everything. this will change the fundamental layout of space. i contemplate offers of help, with my shoulder i will need a certain logical mind, more ordered and structured than mine to assist with the organizational tasks i am bewildered by. 

pain still tears at me, it's so acute, like a hot blade stabbing and jabbing away, the knife sliding in and out and in and out upon the very end of each nerve. if it was not for the magic balm my boss generously offers me i would probably pass out.

stabbing stabbing stabbing, all day all night, it's the torture garden but somehow i get through every second of it. by the way, i start 'slow horses' by mick herron, it's off to a good start. i had no idea they had adapted it for tv, and that mick jagger had worked upon the theme song. and i have to also say when i heard the theme, it really is perfect for the books. he has obviously read and enjoyed them. it's a perfect track, well done mick.