if you like your novels written in a brilliant style, complex and page turning, crammed full of information, if you like your novels to challenge and filled with strange loops and connections,'dead water' is the book for you. 
primarily a story about the history of container shipping and the evolution of the understanding of the multi currents that operate within life, it's a novel about how hidden things reside in complex systems, both natural and man made, the book is a poem to our complete mercy to forces beyond understanding and control.
the novel is a fractal, breathtakingly beautiful, ever evolving and the characters are exotic and global personalities that the reader befriends only to read helplessly as they undergo the terrible fate the author inflicts upon them.
every sentence is perfectly written, and lingers as you move to the next, simon ing is my new favourite writer, he has something to say, and says it very well. there's a film makers dream in here somewhere, i savoured the pages describing a train crash and saw the most beautiful imagery in my mind, the two children's fates taking the most incredible transformation into something supernatural seemed to have a very visual and visceral quality, as chaos moved at totally different velocities within the carriages. i saw slow motion currents converge with fast motion in the same frames, details of debris spinning through, it was really a powerful piece of writing within a very good book.
this is one writer i'd like to read more off, i have picked up 'the weight of numbers' and look forwards to reading that in the near future. 

marty and i driving in his mustang down wisemans ferry way, weaving the bends at an outrageous speed racing a dream bike from the future, welded to the road, country blurs past but slow enough to know it's beautiful out there, colourful birds with big personalities, the winding hawksberry river from pittwater to parramatta, you can apprehend the past here, aborigine landscape, sacred place, i want to stop and absorb it all, but speed drives me ever forwards in time.
the next day i'm in a bmw with tim tearing past the graveyard listening to the rolling stones, 'melody, was her second name' with the brilliant piano and that sexy horn section. we drive to the city where he drops me off. i wander down macquarie street where there's some kinda commotion and it's not lloyd cole, it's a whole bunch of hindus, technically sieks, celebrating a big festival, there are thousands of them, laughing and dancing, they have a huge computer display and hand out drinks and food and suddenly i'm one of them, laughing and chatting, admiring turbans and the nice gowns, i pass through the crowd and head to the bookshop where i pick up some jack mcdevitt and hunt down simon ings. heading back from the city with tim we look at the clouds, big powerful cumulus.
the night comes and i'm looking at stars as i walk with evan down the street to newport for dinner, we go through our usual topics life the universe and everything, evan and i share a passion for 'dark side of the moon' it's our favourite piece of human art, it's the one object that we believe should represent humanity, send it into space i say while evan says, leave it buried in a time capsule so it will survive our future and one day when visitor archeologists trawl the ruins they will find it and appreciate there was some intelligent life here.   

snuff music by the deep fix part eight

snuff music by the deep fix part seven

'occult diary part one' opens an investigation, my own personal one. i was somewhat innocent in the sense i didn't know where it would lead me or what lay ahead. they say any investigation into the mysteries should be recorded in a magickal diary. i guess this was my magickal diary opening and my intention.
'invocation' is in actual fact a banishing ritual, it's also known as the lesser banishing ritual of the pentagram and basically clears space from positive or negative energies but it also focuses the mind in a meditative state and positions you at the centre of the magickal universe, in shamanism this is known as centring. the other aspect to the banishing ritual is it identifies the inspirational energy you require blending the self with the archetype you wish to invoke. there are hundreds of variations one can chose from and the words are really just sounds, it is the intention behind them that is important and the vibration one uses to make them, the sound has the power. i wanted the angels to have their own sounds, so after the name of each angel a different sound is heard, we wanted to create an atmosphere that was completely different to the rest of the music, one that commands listening and concentration and a little air of genuine respect.
'manifestation' basically is the work and dedication necessary to attain the mysterious 'communication or conversation with guardian angel' better known as augoeides (peter carroll says this is quantum uncertainty) and is traditionally a process of devotion. we threw in the effects of a presence or intelligence manifesting which was the energetic quality of lucifer, venus, the goddess, and the spirit of illumination, val adopts this very well in his line, 'show me this world' at the beginning of the next track but for the ending of this song val created the most frightening vocal line i have heard, he says he actually went a little crazy and describes it as possessed but whatever it was it was horrible, and i took it out from the mix. i was in another room while val did the line and it sounded like he had gone crazy, the old sound basement studio was attached to a mortuary so we did have some very strange experiences while recording some of the songs. i am convinced i saw a ghost and there are things in the mix that neither of us recorded. we left them in as the subliminal quality we wanted originally, maybe it was just some audio type resonance where two sounds create a third, i don't know but we left them in. val's vocal was far to disturbing to leave in, although he probably would have enjoyed that.
'straight outta hell' is possibly the obvious single or radio friendly song, it's got a chorus and its fun to do live. 
'lucifers tears' started as an electro song with lots of synth and a kraftwork type feel but ended being quite organic once we added louis on saxophone and clarinet, he gives it that beautiful flight that lifts you off the ground on the outro, i would have liked it to go on forever.
'snuff music' well the lyric and energy sums it up, any intelligence would look at the way humans behave and contemplate our species being like a cancer upon the planet. i think whatever critical mass we need to reach for things to change we had slipped way past it on all levels, and i felt that solutions now needed to be cosmic because lets face it, we are pretty self destructive as a species, and here's where i discovered the mayan calendar and the idea of evolutionary consciousness. 
'8 division sky place' well i guess i'm heralding a new way of looking at life, although it's actually not new, these traditions had known about them for ever, but civilisation came along all superior and obliterated the savage. while i am obviously not opposed to civilisation, what i do feel is we are far removed from our esoteric roots, where indigenous cultures still have this relationship and are close to the source. i guess the song here is about readjustment to a cosmic principle and a letting go of investment in false constructs but most of all letting go of fear, and how fear paralysis us whereas love liberates.
'occult diary part two' closes the investigation, and obviously changes the energy and dynamic of the investigator.
'my mantra' half made up on the spot, is basically a celebration of love, self love, for through self love  we can liberate ourselves from all the energies that hold us entrapped in negative emotions, fear hate etc, and the great mantra 'om siri rama jaya' translates as 'victory for the self within' which is the essence of my own personal philosophy for here lies the singularity that is love. i guess this is about changing yourself before trying to change others, dealing with your own selfish desires will change other peoples more effectively than trying to change some one else's, i may be wrong but it felt right at the time.
anyway's the whole process was one energy wave, a current i was riding, it came through and to me, it was not me, for i am just a normal guy trying to get by, i am not enlightened any more than anyone else, i'm still a fucking idiot, a fool, a clown who can't pay his rent, writes stupid things, fails at relationships and friendships, i still have to chop the wood and carry water but for some reason i just found myself tapping into this wave and here is where it took me. every individual will find their own wave and it may be very different from the one i took, and there will be other waves, and each wave is just part of a cosmic ocean that makes up the universe and the universe is just one within a multiverse, and the best thing to do, seeing as though we exist in such magnificent and glorious infinite oceans of possibility is unconditionally love life and use your imagination to create art and devote it to the universe, because what the hell is the point to anything else.

snuff music from the deep fix part six

val and i met through some incredible connection and synchronistic event, he and i were orbiting the same star but it was obvious we were destined to meet at some point in time. let me state now, val is a genius of the highest order, there is no doubt in my mind and he is perfect for me to work with as he understands my ideas completely. because i can't speak in a musical language i use metaphors very similar to eno's oblique strategies, painting soundscapes works for me and val transmutes my skeleton sketches into a body, we both use an intuitive process but val has the skills to technically delve into the details and shape the work with the breathe of life, it's all done very fast, i trust val enough that i know he will always take the song where it needs to go. 
we made snuff music over about a year, a few hours here a few there, but when we work we work fast, it flows and often i'm uncertain where it's going as the whole thing is totally intuitive, sometimes drifting down a hidden tangent we never saw coming. once we get the song, we like to fuck with it, val tends to be the darker palette and i the lighter, the balance is perfect a blending of opposites. we used nevin on some guitar parts, dragged him in one night gave him some oblique strategies, no time for him to even rehearse and in the second take we recorded. my very good friend tez in the uk played that amazing guitar on 'hell' and louis played  his sax like the giant he is, sometimes we took him down the end of the corridor, miked the sax up to get that echoing, haunting feel. these guys are excellent musicians, i am very grateful to have such people contribute to this project. the woman's voice is olga, val's wife, whom i dragged into the studio to do the spoken word stuff, she was great. 
all in all the songs formed in this weird narrative and each one completely different part of a whole. 

snuff music from the deep fix part five

the mayans had inherited a calendar that plotted the universes patterns based on the relationship it has with consciousness, it is an obvious map of the heavens showing in tremendous details the cycles the universe operates towards but it also had a hidden cycle the one known as '8 division sky place.'

this was about an individuals own calendar, their own personal biorhythm, the one they wake up in the morning with, it's unique and personal to the soul or spirit of that person but it was available via the one power all life forms have, intuition.

when one is in intuition with the universe one is also in the zone, any surfer knows this, most sports people know this and most artists know although they may not think beyond the studio, stadium, or ocean, if we expand to the cosmic scale, when you're in the zone, you're in the zone. 

in fact all the modern books on education state, find out what your child loves doing and focus on that, the zone is about love, it's a singularity, escape from the zero's and ones. 

the fact is something is shifting, changes are underway, this may not be as catastrophic as traditionalists think, cities will not fall into the sea but each individual will go through major changes and shifts where they are realigned into a new way of living. the word apocalypse means revealing, and this is exactly what's occurring. people are understanding politics, religion, financial systems, are all just ideas we have mistakenly invested in, they are built upon weak foundations and a re-evaluation is occurring as we go through our personal shifts. the key to navigating this change is intuitive thinking, feeling with the heart. unconditional love is not a weak force, it's a strong force.

snuff music from the deep fix part four

the downloading took place over a year but it was in one glorious sun drenched morning i experienced some divine intervention. there's no other word for it and i understand how the people that wrote the old testament must have felt when they attempted to describe their visions with syrian rue, the connections are obvious. 
i rode the wave into illumination guided by the mythology of lucifer, not the church version either, the original roman symbol identified as the morning star, venus, the goddess bringing light into darkness, like one big revelation baby i started seeing clearly for the first time in my life, the shackles and the cave wall no longer obscured the truth, my truth, ideologies ere constructs, banking systems, religions, laws, science, politics, society, it was all a vast unnecessary construct i was free off. so what's left when you take all that away?
the cosmos and the shaman have a relationship that cannot be understood by the brain, it's an area of maybe logic, it's that strange zone where all things converge, boundaries dissolve and the shaman can move between worlds, into other dimensions, realities it's a place where there is no dualism and one can bring back information for the benefit of the tribe. 
i came back and looked at my tribe and it was living in a type of insanity, that's how it was for me now, like a snuff film where life is not valued, where violent bloody death is celebrated, where the innocent are dragged against every spiritual value in the universe all because somewhere down the time line we decided to abandon the heart as a thinking organ, ego and self gratification had won the war, all that was missing was a soundtrack.
but venus had one last thing to share with me, it was found in graham handcock's book, 'fingerprints of the gods' where the idea of civilisations existing on earth way before our official history dates. in fact these civilisations were very advanced, in mathematics, astronomy, architecture. there are maps that circumnavigate the land mass that could only be drawn from the air, there are buildings that plot the cycles of the universe and there was a pole shift which occurred every few million years in line with the mayan calendar which i started to decipher over the year. 

snuff music from the deep fix part three

originally we wanted to make a cd of songs that were unlistenable or irritate the listener enough to send them into some sort of 'hysteria state' where they felt they were listening to something that evoked a hideous terror that they where repulsed by. we generate ideas faster than we can actualise them, it's a blessing and a curse.

val and i wanted to play with subliminal sounds that actually made the listener want to turn the cd off but i felt val had already achieved this with his 'gentle flow' release called black.

here's a sample with the most terrifying video clip and music ever.

black 6 is the most accessible song from the whole black album in my opinion, it's a remarkable piece of work for this was total sonic repulsion in extremus and i doubt many people would be playing it more than once.

for the deep fix, i wanted something subtle with a 'pop' aspect something that took the listener on a journey through the dark and into the light, ideas were coming together, themes were forming, melodies bubbling away but there were no words yet and whatever current i was tapping into had not yet reached its destination, i wanted to ride this wave and see where it took me, i couldn't predict what lay ahead because at that point it was beyond imagination, contained within boundaries, as william blake says, 'between the known and unknown there are doors.'
then i had ayahuscia for the first time, and the boundaries dissolved, my mind opened up and i guess so soon after a brain injury my whole hardwire reformatted itself beyond anything i had ever experienced, and any one who has had the experience of these amazing plant teachers will validate, it is confirmation of gods existence, it is confirmation of the spiritual world, it is confirmation of intelligence beyond man, it is confirmation that consciousness exists beyond the limits of the body, and it is confirmation that death is not the end. the door had just opened wide and i leapt through.

snuff music from the deep fix part two

it starts with forgetting and remembering, for i am the strange loop, the deep fix is something stranger, snuff music was born out of subconscious impulses and connections, it is chaotic, random and fractal like, it has no place in the world and belongs in another universe, it is not space rock but inner-space rock, it is not trance music but trance dimensional pop, i am not the writer although i am the vessel, a mere conduit, the songs and ideas are points connecting but not in straight lines, the pattern is a narrative but it follows non linear path. it's secrets lay within its dark matter, it is fluid, mercurial, forming a hologram when completed, it has no value, it is neither good or bad, it is an important message or an insignificant blip upon the radar of human culture, it means absolutely everything and absolutely nothing. it may be disposable pop music and bad poetry, it's most defiantly crazy cosmic jive, it could even be trash or art. it does not matter, it does not anti matter, it is revolutionary protest songs for the revolution will be private, it will not be televised, it occurs within the mind of man and yet cannot be won with the mind of man. 


a few years ago i had a brain injury, it made me forget huge chunks of stuff and yet i remembered others that lay hidden before the accident. in fact part of my history seemed more real than the others parts, it was quite a peculiar thing causing lots of problems and thus creating new possibilities.
i had finished various conventional treatments and was in the process of integrating everything together so i could function reasonably well in the world again, meanwhile while all the memories of my esoteric life were present i began to map the process in chronological order, looking at patterns and events because i didn't know what they meant and i was suffering an existential crisis, i needed that one thing that life does not guarantee, meaning. 
i had taken apart all philosophies, all sciences, all religion and there were absences, every system was scrutinised, every one had validity up to a point but all failed me. the theory of everything can't be found in these forms. ideologies, beliefs, ideas about existence all seemed to reach a certain point and then start to collapse within their own foundations. take capitalism, that works to a point until banks are bailed out by the people who pay tax. that's what recently occurred, capitalism failed. those banks should never have been bailed out, it was a total anti capitalist move signifying it's failure. socialism, well lets just say that more people have been killed by socialist governments than by any other. socialism works in small communities, ironically kibbutz is a socialist environment that works, try running a country on these principles and all that happens is the population start spying on one another and individuality is lost, the drive to move forwards is lost, the need to diversify is lost, and the human spirit crushed. 
ayn rands book 'the fountain head' is a magnificent example of why the individual matters in a way that the mass cannot, we must find our place within the world as individuals. identity crisis is fashionably ignored by individuals and countries, who are you, what is an australian, what is human, what is one's duty to another, what is value, what is real, what is not?????


reading howard blooms book 'the lucifer principle' 
assisted understand why history was in conflict, what mysterious impulses are driving these forces and how we as a species were only just beginning to understand them. 
yet there was another path that understood this already through some serendipitous fluke it converged with my own, all the occult knowledge i had experience off, the crazy life i had lived, the random factor, the past lives that i had glimpsed, the future, the science, the mythology, the fictions and the facts, my surfing philosophy, inventions and imagination all seemed to come to or from this one single point. 


'the lucifer principle' puts forward this simple idea, that humanity is driven by memes and generally we can say some are better than others but they are always in conflict over history and we can see the way they have shaped our past, often violently. all because someone had an idea or the idea had them.

snuff music from the deep fix part one

opaque memory, slave to time, forgetting, memory and forgetting, the two are intrinsically linked like a coin's head to its tail, spinning through space and time, in our minds, when you share a memory with a friend it splits in two, their memory and forgetting, and your own, the more people who share the same memory the more the events are separated from the original.
history has never been an exact science. we may be able to tell the winner from the looser but it means little over a period of time. england won the war and beat germany, yet by the 1970's germany was the economic superpower in europe while england floundered, what does that mean, same for japan and america. in history the tibetans were the cruel invaders of china, their horrific deeds are forgotten in time, currently everyone hates the chinese invaders. in a few years tibetan buddhism will be absorbed into china as all chinas foes are, and it will germinate into a meme that will take over it's host, we may even see a greater tibet as chinese people convert to the more powerful force than absorption, you can't stop an idea like buddhism, it is like trying to sink a water droplet in an ocean. thus a cycle of time is complete, the tibetans win a war without fighting it or committing an act of destruction, just like ghandi. on the other hand gengus khan, hitler, pol pot, all pursue invasion of the mind, spreading hate and fear, eventually history turns it into something else, no hitler never killed any jews, they just exaggerate the numbers, death camps, they were holiday camps. the killing fields, a holiday in cambodia, i wonder how many khmer rouge were welcomed into cabrimatta as political refugees, i met quite a few in local politics there, just average guys swept up in some kinda madness. murder is banal when it's done on such grand scales, like industry. 
the trends now are to rewrite history, to steal it, to own it, this is the way it is as we slip into the time and space of history, we see history is war itself, a war for versions, a war for truth, a bloody messy white wash, and what do we learn from it anyway.
history is the study of the past, but it really is the study of patterns, cycles, and the only one fact we know for certain is that mankind repeats itself endlessly, like a fractal pattern we are caught in the ebb and flow with our memories and forgetting.

SPHERE TURNS INSIDE OUT

alphaville.
where the skyline falls into the bedroom, the sunset washes away the horizon and the neon glow of artificial futures intoxicate the neo cortex with a haunting saxophone solo or a strange discordant piano note, treated with some additional stress plays out through immaculate glass structures. 
i watched the helipad over on the east side, you could see the silhouette of a big hulking monstrous bird and the shadow of it's rotors sending synaptic vibrations across the rooftops, the deafening whoop..whoop..whoop of blades. i put out the joint and took a sip of bottled water. 

mariane suggested we share some bliss but it was far to hot, i just wanted to fill the tub with ice and sink under it naked and close my eyes wrapped in the cool sensation of temperature drop.
she laughed, 'you don't have ice to even put in your drink baby.'

she was right, alphaville in summer was hot and dry, ice was a luxury we didn't have, we were out of credit, out of scams and out of luck, we were running on love and in alphaville that's the currency of fools and the young, and i had already lived four lifetimes in one. 

mariane looked luscious in her little yellow dress, and those red sunglasses matching red heels, she was all aglow like a ripe peach. she came over and took a sip of water,'what's the plan' she says.

aplahville don't care for plans, it lets you make them then it shows you how impotent you are. i learnt that the hard way but mariane is an optimist, she likes something to look forwards to, she's younger than me but wise enough to know ultimately after luck and credit have run out there's only so far love can take you, in alphaville it's not far at all. maybe to the front door of your escape plan.

down on the street i spotted a man with a sun umbrella, he wore nice clothes, a shiny light reflecting suit of greenish blue, with some red thrown in because i guess wealth don't necessarily come with taste, he walked towards a big stretch car, it was all gloss and gleam and there was a chauffeur holding a door open for him in a nice uniform, looking all present and professional. as the suit leaned in to sit in the back seat he threw the smoking remains of his cigar away. it flew up in a tight arc and fell onto the pavement where it rolled a few feet and lay still, smoking at the feet of a policeman, who picked it up carefully and inspected it. i watched him gaze at it and then smell it slowly as if it were a fine wine, he inhaled the smoke into his nostrils and then held the butt up to the light examining it in detail, you could just make out the stress lines on his face as he concentrated.

mariane and i watched from above, her hair caught a soft breeze, and for a moment she looked all angelic and heavenly and i wanted to kiss her but things started moving fast on the street, the policeman, drew his weapon, it was a laser taser, he pointed it at the man but the door had been shut and the chauffeur was climbing into the driving seat, we could see the passenger in the back seat, his chubby profile and stubby hands seemed to be pouring himself a drink from a bottle with an elongated neck. the blast of the tire exploding was enough to make the glass fall from his hands and he started yelling at the driver who was already leaving the car in a panic, the police man held his weapon towards the driver and shouted, 'on the floor, now.'

he ran towards the car and opened the door pulling the man out, dragging him blubbering onto the floor, it was obvious he was a stranger to alphaville, unfamiliar to the zee tee code, should have done his research, i thought. 
by now a crowd of alphavilles were gathered, children gazed at the drama as it unfolded, they were shuffled out into the shadows away from the sun by concerned parents, one of the kids was licking an ice cream another held on to a can of cold fizzy drink, i was looking at him slurping it with envy.
the cop stands astride the man, holds his weapon over him, he aims at his face and his mouth starts reciting the zee tee code. then with cool precision he lets the energy beam burn a whole in the mans brain. it's a clean shot, no mess at all, just a little vapour cloud rising from the guys skull.
the man didn't even have time to beg, he just looked shocked and then dead. the children clapped and moved onwards with their mums and dads, the chauffeur hovered nervously and began dragging the smouldering remains of the man into the car. the police man handed him the cigar butt and walked onwards continuing his beat. 
mariane and i drew down the blind, we had seen the zero tolerance code enacted many times, it was the alphaville way, everyone knew how it goes, except the poor suckers who don't.
'all that credit, look where it got him.'
'yeah' i say, 'lets just make love until we can't.'
that's how it is in alphaville.

whatever notion may arise, never to let it live or grow, but to turn it that instant, firm and stern, back to it's source and merge it there, this is robust intense detachment.


okay this comes easy to me these days, i get it. sri ramana's really on to something here, he's nailing something really revolutionary, it's extreme and demanding and also somewhat impossible. 
he's suggesting that when you are confronted with some kind of notion, an opinion, judgement or external value, a criticism, something that just don't feel right or something that comes from a bad place, a corrupted thought process you can let it go. it belongs to the person who sends it, comes from them, it's their creation and therefore should have no attachment to you unless you chose to keep hold of it. 
the more one practices detachment, even of ones own thoughts and negative energies the less hold they have over you.
and the hard bit is understandably applying it to your own thoughts, the ones that fill you with insecurity and fear, these need to be understood, acknowledged as nothing more than thoughts and released as love.

down on the streets of nude port the young mothers wheel their children in designer prams built to withstand thermo nuclear attacks from hostile predators with take over intentions. they carry jumbo lattes and mobile phones, they drive sleek metallic black military looking suvs and dress like super models. 
the sun is out with a wind factor from the west, blowing in messing up hairdo's, steering prams to the right, newspapers are blown of tables and napkins fly through the streets as children chase them into trees. i'm out and about walking pan, the wonder dog, he has to stop every few minutes as his admirers fawn over him and comment on his nature, his ball, his tail, his hight, his soft silky hair, his bright eyes, his loyalty, his warm and generous personality, his friendly disposition, his exotic cooking skills, i don't know, he's popular around town, every one knows him and they love him.
me, i'm a different animal, not as friendly these crazy days, i don't like small talk, chit chat, frivolous words with strangers about tax, juliar, unemployment, the surf conditions, the market index, the new young talent time, or tv series i have never seen, however i am always sucked into these things, and i just can't say no as i trawl though family photographs off strangers, holiday stories about unbuilt hotels, holiday romances that have open endings, unending dramas and car trouble. 
sometimes i'll just keep my head down, buried in my book, this current one is james frays, 'the last testament' which is good enough to keep my head in the story and not the narrative from old mrs. keating across the road about the missing oleander tree the council chopped down. i do miss it but then i also miss my grandmother to.
'the last testament', i'm almost finished but it's great, i'm loving it, the messiah is exactly how i imagine him, sex, drugs and no bullshit, nice little jewish guy from the bronx, doing it tough but keeping it real, fucking a cute little lap dancer, dealing with the righteous, stealing food from garbage bins, doing time with the punished. everyone gets served in this book, the religious, the law, the media, it's all called by the son of man,i can dig the messiah as james frey writes him, yeah he's all heart in the heartless world.
and james frey, okay he got kind of crucified by all the operah types, yeah he cheated the system, told a few lies in his autobiography, got busted and consequently humiliated. yeah james paid his due, big fucking deal, christians know how to forgive don't they?
well done james, this is a great book man. good luck to ya.

it's been raining heavy for three nights, downpour, not the kinda night anyone wants to be out on the streets, but gravy bones and i are running along a road, looking for shelter already drenched to the bone, we head for a restaurant in the hope that it will welcome us with warm food and shelter, it's late and in these suburbs two waterlogged freakazoids like us are strange and threatening to the late night diners finishing of their deserts and after dinner mints. up ahead i can see the neon glow of the sign above the door and we run past a flower shop set back on the street, and from the corner of my eye i see something very strange. a woman, an aboriginal lady around 60 years old, dancing in the rain. it's an hallucination think and almost immediately i say to gravy bones, 'i'm hallucinating, seeing visions of aboriginal women dancing.'
'no, it's not an hallucination, i saw it to, unless we are both sharing the same vision.'
we enter the restaurant, and we are gazed upon as we wander towards the desk area. we order some food take away, as they say they are closing the table service. we are drawn towards a display, a large cabinet with asian artefacts, a buddha and a strange pointy hat which gravy bones thinks i should wear, but i'm thinking about the strange watery night, the woman dancing in the rain.
i mean this is not a suburb where aboriginal women are usually seen, it's a night where hardly anyone is out, and it's certainly not a night to be dancing outside in the rain. my head tries to give some context to the whole event but it can't, and i like that, that makes sense to me so i smile. 
it's made the night worthwhile.

dear readers please go and see the film 'a deeper shade of blue' if you can, get the dvd when it comes out. my old friend gravy bones invites me to the second from last screening at avalon cinema, it was meant to be on for one night, it's completed three weeks full house which is amazing in terms of local history. 
this is a really important piece of film, made by jack mccoy and my friend gravy bones. there's some amazing footage, jack using a special underwater camera to capture the wave forms as the surfer ride it, there's a scene where a new type of board is used, the board rides above the actual water and looks incredible, like a very cool jesus travelling across the surface of ocean. mind blowing stuff, then there's the big waves riders, man these guys are incredibly focused and dedicated, the footage is spectacular. big waves are not just big, they are mighty primal elemental forces with the potential to crush the surfer like an ant. 

here's the link, 

http://www.adeepershadeofblue.com/

but perhaps the most important aspect of the film is the way it informs the audience about the spirit of 'aloha' and the essence of what it means to be a surfer, summed up best by the hawaiian surfer who is so brilliant he doesn't even need to compete.

a reader requested i write about the ideas and influences behind the cd snuff music, the new cd from the deep fix. i will do this very soon, the themes are complex and to write about them would only detract from the music, i will however attempt an explanation in the next few weeks. i wanted to do this via a video clip which val and we filmed a fantastic interview just after we recorded it, but the technician forgot to switch the sound on, so it's just us appearing to mime, we thought we may overdub some silly comments but never quite got around to it. instead i will attempt to explain some of the ideas and themes contained in the cd, bear with me, it will happen very soon.

story coming down the wire, a bus driver is filmed with a passengers mobile phone because he is using a mobile phone while driving. 
yes the thought police are everywhere, they are your neighbours, your friends, your pets, your teachers, your children, your husband or wife, your girlfriend or your ex. 
the idiot who filmed this man did not know that the traffic was being diverted due to an accident and the drivers intercom was down due to a high level of radio waves in the area. he was using the phone to access google maps to check that the diversion would accommodate the bendy bus. 
however the passenger did not know any of this and continued filming only to report the film as evidence to the police who then charged the driver. the driver lost his job and his home and can't get another job.
all because some moronic fool thinks it's his / her business to snitch. 
i hope that person who feels such civic responsibility gets what's coming to him / her, you prick, don't you have a life, don't have other things to do than secretly film some one, big brother isn't watching you, he has his little brothers and sisters to do it for him. zombies.

why can't i be allowed to explore my own mind?
in my own home, quietly and peacefully in what ever way i choose?


this is something i can't understand.


the narcotic informants, the neighbourhood watch types, the thought police in all their many forms and incarnations, the twisted nasty bitter ex. why advocate for this type of culture and society, it reeks of the past, stalinism or some fucking stupid idea that came undone and we look back with horror that it actually happened. 


why is there this restriction?


why does the word drugs have the premise of legality and the veil of lies and fabrication, why is truth manipulated by the law makers?


why is alcohol and cigarettes acceptable and encouraged when so many other 'medicines' that are not traditional in western culture incorrectly defined as illegal drugs.


why does the violence and destruction that is so obviously evidenced in society, considered taxable and culturally acceptable when smoking the precious leaves of the wise marijuana medicine which is peaceful and healing can land you in jail.


something is wrong.
what the fuck is it?

ice age five, that's what the experts called it but for me it was just the white age, it had been like this since i was a child and the forecast was not changing for the next thousand years.
i'm not quite sure how i survived all this time, most didn't, luck i guess was smiling down on me, but i'm not sure if it was good luck. 
i was alive, survived the catastrophic climate shift, the big freeze.


i took my beasts down for food, they hunted in that frozen wilderness and managed to find a lone killer whale which they began to devour in some sort of ecstatic carnivorous state. 
i walked over the snow field where the shopping mall lay buried under 60ft of ice and snow and there they were in full frenzy, their fur covered in whale blood, the orca looking like it had been dropped from an aircraft and hit the ground in a jackson pollock like explosion, entrails and blobs of blubber carpeting the area. you would see the strangest things sometimes, things from civilisation sometimes just surface, useless things, coke machines, cars, computer screens and a wide variety of frozen creatures, once i even saw a mass of snow frogs jumping across what used to be the ocean. 
i sat down and rolled a smoke, watched the beasts eat their prey, they left a strange cathedral of bones and then slowly made their way back up the hill towards me, i could see the exhaustion in their movement and the blood drunk satisfaction in their eyes. they fell around me in a deep sleep.
i wasn't planning to stay out here long, i had a purpose so after i finished my joint i wandered down to the hole.
the passageway was a man made tunnel with a wrought iron step ladder down to the bowls of the mall, it had been cut away a few months ago by the survivors but something had happened, they never returned. it was probably that they had decided it was safer down there after all there were supplies for many years, all kinds of things, products from the old days. 
but the big freeze had a way of leaving clues, blood stains, currents of scent, frozen entrails, corpses and the occasional recorded document. 
that was what returned to me yesterday, the only evidence of the team.
the camera was strapped to the back of a wolf, he had come running into the cave, he was wounded badly and died shortly after. the camera was dead but it's components seemed to be in good order it would need a charge and given the generator was very low it took almost a day. 
i looked through the screen and pressed play, what i saw was the mall team, they were recording themselves as they progressed downwards, it appeared everything was fine, they filmed at five minute intervals, they seemed in good spirits, these people were about to start a new life away from the cold, underground in the shell of a shopping complex filled with products, they had every reason to smile.
then the last section, from right out of nowhere pure fear, screaming and hysteria, what was obviously panic as the camera moved all over the place, i slowed the image down and watched it in freeze frame, it just happened so suddenly, one second they are descending and all is well the next minute all hell breaks out and i can see someones mouthing something right at the camera, they are trying to say something but there is no sound on the recording.
i play it back a few times until the 'low battery' warning appears, i can't decipher the words so i let the tape run onwards.
the camera is passed along, upwards along the ladder until it's with the last in the chain, or now the first so instead of travelling down, it moves up and fast. for a fragment it points below, you can see the rungs but nothing else, the ladder disappears into a void no sign of the team. then we are on the surface, snow falling heavily, the viewfinder explodes with light, she clambers out, the camera points to the wolf pack, it's attached i can see her hands fumble as she links the camera to a collar and then the woman says something into it and then screams silently, she is thrown backwards down the hole head first, something wrapped around her neck and pulled her in so quickly even on freeze frame it's blurred and indistinguishable. it happens very fast and once again i slow down the freeze frame to see if i can translate her speech but the film is grainy and i can't really tell what the words are. it really don't matter at the end of the day, the fear in her eyes says it all.
so here i am, i figure i've lived most of my life, lifespans are short in the big freeze, i don't know how many humans are left, somewhere there would be but these where the only ones i knew and they vanished down the hole, curiosity is built into dna, any sentient life form exhibits curiosity, they also have the will to survive and live but the big freeze had even frozen that. all i had left was curiosity, the fact i may die was something i had come to terms with many years ago, living out here in the cold wilderness alone was much worse than death.


i step towards the hole and peer down into the darkness, i switch on the flashlight and follow the beam, nothing is revealed, a few snowdrops caught in it's cone, the black slippery ice covered metal of the ladder and the waiting abyss. 
everything i carry is designed to keep me alive, my suit is state of the art, my gloves allow a certain dexterity and my boots have a lightweight yet sturdy feel, i can be nimble and agile, yet secure. i have a belt filled with weaponry and a map of the mall embedded in my memory. it took me weeks to charge the batteries for the flash lights, and electronic charges on the claymores, everything was in good working order, i did my final check before i began my decent.
the black ice formed around the rungs, my gloves had a gorilla grip high friction layer that enabled them to act like velcro. 
as i climbed down i looked up at the circular shaft surprised to see the beasts peering down at me, their heads formed a ring around the entrance and then they began to howl.
i'd heard about individuals who descend into darkness, it seemed metaphorical, but for explorers it was part of the territory, this was mans fate, to bring light into darkness or have darkness engulf them. i took each step slowly, and when the entry point disappeared into a final dot of light i switched on my boot lights which illuminated from the sole outwards therefore i could see below. 
i calculated that it would about two hours of climbing until i saw the surface of the mall. legend had it i would exit in the food court but i couldn't be certain, it may be just as lightly as i emerge in the lingerie store. 
i focused my thoughts, about now was entering the zone where the attack had begun, i needed to maintain concentration and keep my eyes below. my breathing slowed and synced up with my movements, my eyes scanned the depths, occasionally i would stop moving and listen, it was silent except for me. 
half way through the zone i noticed the blood stains illuminated in shadows, lots of them. i got the terrors, it was involuntary, a shaking and rapid heartbeat, fear seized me, surrounded by nothing i couldn't take my hands away from the rungs, i couldn't let my foot follow their way down to the next rung below, i was in the grip of a terrible panic and my eyes started to water, my tears wouldn't freeze due to the saline but it left a burning sensation upon my cheeks, i tried controlled breathing and eventually the panic subsided. there was something awful about being here, alone, if i were trapped in space i would at least have the stars to look at, orientate me, but this was hell. the light beams didn't help, all they did was accentuate the depths where isolation meets the unknown future terror. i was tasting my first terror, it swarmed my body like a just like a wave washing over me and gradually after about twenty minutes it passed and i regained control and started a movement downwards.
it was laborious, meditative, finely focused concentration, everything else obliterated, all emotions, all thoughts, all identity, i was just a machine putting one step below the other, my body was a sequence of piston movements, even my breathing was machine like, there really was nothing left until i saw the ground. 
the sensation of two feet on a solid surface was almost delirious, i grabbed my gun and surveyed the area to see if it was clear, i noticed i was standing in a pool of blood, it was frozen. i carefully stepped out. 
there were some objects from the previous team, a backpack, some torn clothes, a hat and a book, i picked the book up. it was a bible, there were also two skulls, stripped of flesh, one connected to a spinal column.
i could see that there was a trail of blood leading away, i guess that i would be following that but first i needed to get my bearings.
it was not a food court at all, it was a department store, i remembered my parents taking me to one when i was a child, it was a vague memory, i couldn't trust if it was real, but i seemed to like the idea that once a long time ago i had parents.
i was definitely in the furniture section, there were sofas and reclining chairs all around me, there was a huge four poster bed that had caved in on itself and there were once magnificent rugs hanging from the ceiling, there were lamp stands and dining tables and chairs, most were water damaged and had icicles hanging from them like some form of gothic grotto. there was a lovely looking leather chair, with a footstool but as i got closer i saw it was covered in some sort of mould and then i realised that the mould was everywhere. that was why everything looked the same brown black colour. i moved away, unsettled by the sight, following the blood trail, yet determined. 
weaving out from the furniture section, past the kitchen applinces i imagined how luxurious all this stuff would be in my cave, but useless as well, it would take a kettle 48 hours to boil given the generator was so primitive, i smiled as i walked past the pizza makers but when i saw the carving knives i grabbed a few and shoved them in my back pack. 
the trail led out of the department store and into the main hallway of the mall, it was dark and gloomy and looked like a collection of shadows from a cave system. the fungal growth was everywhere, and i noticed if i kept shining light upon it it would change colour and go from dark brown to bright red, and much to my surprise it would move away. it was not the moulds avoidance of light that freaked me but the speed at which it reacted. this stuff moved fast, very fast.
in the corridor i could see the trail just went everywhere, it spread out in all directions, bits of bones, photographs of families and loved ones, wrist watches, jewellery, trinkets and teeth all scattered in the most random way. 
i found an area near a mobile phone shop where there was bench i could sit upon, i needed another smoke and a drink wouldn't go amiss. i opened my flask and took a hit of the whiskey, a quick internal glow spreading much required heat through my cold system, good medicine. i made a mental note to stop in the bottle shop and pick up a few bottles if they had any left. i had already made a mental map of where it was, not far from my current position. after a rest i figured i may as well go help myself to some goods, i had prepared a mental shopping list, alcohol being number one. 
i only drank the best whiskeys, they had to be the glens, nothing else. i had always been a snob when it came to drinking. it was a shame that the weed situation was dire, there was nothing left, just my  remnants that would be gone very soon, i had made that bag last about five years and now i had enough for maybe two more joints. one for when i get out of here and the other on my birthday although i had no idea when that may be, the sequence of time was remarkably difficult these days, the seasons were frozen in winter permanently, days and nights blended into one, the body just follows it's own rhythm. 
i wondered how the beasts where doing. i rechecked everything, the compass was working, lights, gun charges, the claymores, my suit was still charged, all good. i stuffed the flask back in the backpack and tried arranging the knives so that there was a bit more room. suddenly i became aware something was happening, i spun around, what the fuck was it, everything seemed in place, nothing had changed but it felt like something had. i felt a million eyes looking at me but there was nothing, still my instinct was good, i trusted it completely.
grabbing the bag i hurried along the passageway, past the card shop, past the dvd shop and past the shoe shop, there was the big supermarket, and attached to that would be the bottle shop. i strode towards the entrance.
i needed matches, nylon washing line, clothes pegs and soap, i needed tins of food and if possible some toothpaste, maybe grab a new toothbrush. i needed a lot more but i couldn't carry it back up, i could always come back next month i guess, design some sort of pulley system, but my optimistic plans were cut  short, the isles were all stripped of products however there were some things left that i could use, razors, the matches where there, some batteries, some oil. i stocked up on what i needed and headed for the bottle shop. there were two bottles of ardberg renaissance, i was overjoyed. this made it all worthwhile. i stuffed them into the pack and zipped up. i decided to return, the chances of finding any survivors was slim, the idea of staying down here any longer seemed crazy, i wasn't sure what i could do, it was a need to check there were no survivors, i figured i would just investigate and grab some supplies but the investigation was leading me to gruesome death and carnage, wild wolves maybe, some sort of animal had killed them it was obvious no one had survived, i didn't need to know anything else.
weighed down by my supplies i headed back, my legs were starting to ache, i was feeling the strain of extra weight. being down here in the miserable dark spooked me, i could feel a strange sensation inside my chest every time i took a breath. i checked the chronograph, i had already been down here for two hours, i needed to return to the surface, the two hours seemed four hours to long. i followed my way back past the bones, glancing at them as i moved past, something wasn't right, they had moved. the air was getting weird, i turned up the light source from my suit and moved into the department store. my mind running internal computations, what had changed down here, something must have moved the remains, something must be stalking me, it was psychological, they were trying to freak me out, they were doing a great job. i spun around, movement, the floor, the fucking mould, it moved again, i was certain, it rippled, it was rippling. 
i focused the beam onto one area and watched, the brown mould turned bright red and then started dispersing, it lifted off the floor in spores and swirled before me. i kept the beam on it watching mesmerised as it began to form a shape, a face first, and a body. it stood before me, in under three seconds a body had materialised bright plasma red and made from the spores, it was human shape but obviously non human. it towered over me, part of it's body seemed to swirl around my head, and i could see the billions of spores moving as though in a swarm. suddenly i panicked, thinking i may be breathing some of the spores into my lungs, perhaps that was why my chest felt so weird and then i started hearing voices. 'sentient life form, we inhabit host mainframe biological, chemical composition alien, primal matter, singular, host biomass centralised vessel nerve centre, control initiated.' and then i found myself walking with the strange shape before me. it had control of me, my body, planting it's thoughts in my mind, it had entered my body as i had feared, discovered my central nervous system and ingrained itself, communicating with me like a parasite. it was explaining in thought form and words, although the words were disjointed and originated from my own vocabulary, it explained that it required assistance, it reassured me that bore me no ill will, that it was peaceful and intelligent and did not understand itself, it had no memory of it's own history, it found itself alive and yet it had nothing except the will to live, the need to avoid bright lights and the requirements of a damp environment and organic matter, dead would do. as it engaged my brain it was able to self reflect using my terms of reference, it was indeed a new life form close to mould, yet it was highly intelligent and had recently gained consciousness. the organism had found itself everywhere, separate as individual and then came together, it could adopt any shape and form, appear in three states, gas, liquid and solid. 
i requested that it leave my lungs. it did, it even repaired some damage. the mould or fungus was now physically existing within the organic structure of my brain, interconnecting itself with my thoughts, i was part of a hive mind yet i was also independent. 
'what happened to the other ones like me?'
'the grotesque creature skin razor bladed, dark being, dark being, dark being took life left dense white matter structure. dark being bad, dark life form dangerous, dark life force violent...' and on it went, descriptions came from my vocabulary to explain what the mould had witnessed but it was indescribable my language had no term of reference, i just figured something very bad had killed the team. 
the mould was helping me, it entered into my legs and gave me strength, my body felt very strong, it analysed my bloodstream and cleaned it up, filtering and purifying freeing it from toxins, my body felt completely different, my eyes started to see clearly even though the lights from my flash lights were fading, my sense of smell could pick up things in the mall with extreme sensitivity, the good stuff, i knew where and how far away the perfume dept was, distinguishing each brand with it's unique scent and i knew the same about the rotting flesh we walked towards. there they were, up ahead, a pile of bodies crammed into the chemist shop. it was spilling out, there were so many, it was not just the team in here, hundreds of teams, squished up into a mass of remains, they must date back fifty years at least. i couldn't make out much detail as the bodies had congealed into one mass of frozen remains, bits of faces, some hair here and there, an eyeball, there were fingers, legs, bones but no real meat left, whatever had done this had taken most of the meat off the bodies.
i indicated to the fungus that the dark being was not just bad but dangerous, that i would track it and kill it if they helped me, the fungus agreed providing i would help it understand what it was. 
whatever this dark being was it was moving fast. i sniffed the air, and my tongue rolled out and picked up various vibrations. i could locate this monster, it was on the west wing, the far side of the mall. i emptied my bag and left the explosives in them, four claymores. i grabbed my knife and a gun and started running down the corridor  to the west. i was moving fast, faster than i have ever managed before, it was as though gravity was weakened, the fungus creatures or creature had adapted my physiology completely, my thinking was precise, no sluggish thoughts anymore, no fear, no aching weariness. i would find this thing and kill it, i was certain. while i interfaced with the fungus i knew it was a harmless life form, very intelligent in a different way from animals and humans, it was not a destructive force at all and needed me to destroy the monster, that was the trade off.
entering the west wing i could see how damaged the area was, shopfronts had been smashed and goods spilled out from their mouths, part of the roof had caved in and a huge frozen ice block blocked part of the hallway. it reminded me of the cavern's in the nordics, as i walked up to the block i could see it was an upended double decker bus, it was standing on it's front end, there were faces staring out from the windows, frozen in panic. i shone the flashlight up, the bus would have fallen through long ago, covered in snow and ice formed a huge pillar. some of the frozen faces looked so young, it made me sad they had met their fate this way. 
the monster was nearby, i could taste it's movement, feel it's heat, it was lurking. i planted the claymmore devices and tucked a knife into my belt. i never used knives but it seemed pointless to under utilise my weapons. 
the thing was fungal, it was exactly the same as the red stuff inhabiting me, but this was white. it came at me from snow around the bus block, just wrapped itself around me in a closed circle and started closing in. the gun fire cracked through the halls and echoed, the bullets went through the thing, right through the spore surface although the noise seemed to slightly repel the wall. leaping forwards i slashed at it with the knife, nothing, just tears that immediately healed themselves, then the red spores inside my body began to rise to the surface of the skin, there must have been billions of them as they left my body and formed a wall that met the monsters wall. stalemate. i felt my human condition return, it hurt. 
two mould beings, one sensitive to light the other sensitive to sound, one needs living flesh to feed from the other dead matter, one was almost shark like in its instinct, the other whale like, one i could interface with...i engaged with the red mould form, i had an idea. 
the interface would be risky but it may offer a solution, the red mould form would inhabit my body and allow the green mould form inside, using my brain i would act as a negotiator and see if we could find a way out from the problem.
the green mould entered, it was no different from the red physically, but in my head i found it difficult to distinguish so i made them speak in turn.
the red mould wanted food and silence. the humans brought noise and made food, it was natural for the red mould to silence the noise and use their remains. the green mould wanted dampness and dark and rotting dead remains. i could see a solution forming but it would mean finding a suitable supply, perhaps the dead could be thrown down into the hole, first the green mould would feed and grow then the red, the two mould forms seemed in agreement and i was certain word would spread that all the dead could be disposed off down the hole, almost like an offering, a sacrifice.
the surface was filled with dead, mostly frozen and buried but they were there, only a handful of creatures and humans survived the big freeze. it was not a perfect solution but it would do for the moment. 
i deactivated the claymores and headed back for the hole, i had suggested that the red mould stay in the centre of the mall while the green have the whole west wing, if they ever felt like cohabitation they should try it, diversity is healthy i informed them. they were part of the same thing, connected despite their differences.
on the way back the red mould enquired as to what it was, it needed an identity and meaning. how had it come into to being and why did it existed, it had trawled my mind and was baffled by the idea of a god and various philosophies embedded in the architecture of my thoughts. i explained the philosophy of humans was about answering these questions and it was understood most other lifeforms on earth don't have a line of enquiry, that humans had no answers and that it was all a mystery, even after thousands of years of contemplation. i showed it the two schools of thought, one science the other intelligent design, i also showed how the two converged, perhaps the designer uses evolution so we can adapt on our own, nothing would surprise me, every life force has to find its own answer, i said. i could feel the mould entities trawl through my neuro-theological domains and i could almost intuit it's responses.
the red mould seemed to like the idea of an intelligent designer,  the green liked the science, rational, logical and evolutionary survival seemed to fit its nature, it was strange that such brutality, the loss of the team and all the people had ended in a philosophical discussion about the nature of life with their killer. after thanking me they separated and left my body, i gathered my stuff, and headed towards the ladder.
climbing out the darkness revealed a pinprick of light that grew and grew until i was engulfed with its illumination and the peering heads of the pack. 

when the drug squad raid you, you better be clean or protected, fate was smiling down upon me, i was immediately licked to death by the dogs and recognised one of the officers as someone i know, i made some tea and we watched the end of south park talking about old times when i worked at youth refuges and drug and alcohol centres. the two officers said they were tipped off anonymously that they would find drugs on the premises, although i knew exactly what cowardly spirit was behind this. 
i saw it coming, i'm extremely intuitive, it took longer than i expected and ironically it resulted in a pleasant evening although i rather it be under different circumstance. 
i apologised to the drug squad, wasting time, explaining that the person that had done this was a sad unhappy individual with a 'revenge' complex because she can't take any responsibility for any of her own destructive actions and personal misery. 
i gave them the details of her court case that she failed to turn up to and offered my home for inspection and even a blood test, if need be. 
they knew they were barking up the wrong tree, these guys have better things to do than chase a guy like me.
i thought about the conversation we had once where 'am a liar' confessed her soulmate was bert newtons son matthew who happened to be in the news recently. i don't know much about the man, apparently he beat up his girlfriend and a taxi driver, he had his demons, i guess they were the same as hers, it explains the affinity, the romantic delusion of damaged individuals, misery needs company, like attracts like, validation and all that jazz.
anyways everything's okay, the dumb actions of a spiteful little unimaginative heiress backfired yet again. her soap operatic brain must have short circuited on vodka and the moronic company she keeps.
i thank my protectors and angels, my guardians and the great spirit of the universe. 
i give gratitude to the spirits that care for me and the friends i have.
and for you my divine enemy, my inverted friend, my soul partner and eternal nemesis, i have pity, not really for you anymore because even compassion has limits, but for your child who deserves much better than your dramatic obsession with revenge. let me offer you some free advice, the best revenge is a life lived well. 
ironically that's all i ever wanted for you. 
let it go.