i was in an russian mig doing an inverted dive, the sky seemed below and above me rushed the earth, my cockpit instruments were spinning recklessly and a few red lights flashed before me. i could hear my breathing slow to a more regulated rhythm, panic left my blood and a gentle calm engulfed me. my thoughts were empty, it was pretty zen up here, far removed from everything, dying was always so peaceful and even in the violent wreckage lays it's anthisisis. i could see the yellow eject button, it lit up the panel before me in the most obvious of ways yet here i was in an ocean of calm, tranquility flooded my mind, it was beautiful and serene. i was at peace. there was no hunger or thirst, no desire or need. time suspended itself externally, yet internally i retrieved a memory from my childhood. my grandfather had bought me a huge ice cream, it was massive, and i was so happy sitting with him. we had spent the days looking at trains in wimbledon, i had seen a blue train and i was deliriously satisfied. then the ice cream. it was bliss. i recall it was a hot summers day and the ice cream was unexpected, my grandfather just spontaneously bought me the best ice cream in the world. i was already content and happy but this simple act had made me feel like i was the most loved person on the planet, it was a joy, it was my first intense experience of joy. all other moments would be held to that measure, subconsciously every ice cream i have ever had since was never as good, yet i always eat ice cream. my craving for it knew no bounds, right through my adult life until recently, i never really knew why i ate so much ice cream. there were years in my 20's where i basically lived on ice cream, it got to the point where my stomach could no longer digest food.
it became suddenly clear to me why. all because of a childhood experience. i smiled, the earth was beautiful, the way it gently curved, the way the clouds hung above it, the blue richness and those fractal land masses, vibrating with life. i smiled and pressed the eject.