i'm waves within waves sister of mine, travelling in a fractal space through time, backwards, forwards, sideways, and this is where i am at. 

the naked now.

i'm in the mirror universe, it's my responsibility and i have to navigate it with great care and due diligence, even these words have to be written with immense measure, i cannot just be a random jazz be bop deluxe creation engine writing down my thoughts lest they jeopardise everything. it's my past catching up and future wave calling, it's a nexus point that determines everything and nothing. the engineering is spectacular and my dad would be proud of me if he understood the frequency at which this operates. 

yes its clarity has come to my vision quest.
i have created a beautiful clusterfuck of a situation but it's not technically a clusterfuck at all which means i need new language for it, let's call it a singularity event operating under the laws of love magick. it looks and feels like a clusterfuck sometimes but when it's unpacked it becomes a negative of itself. 

and in the mirror universe where the mirror of myself is catching up with the mirror of herself. my perspective is slightly bigger than my mirrors, as i have inhabited this spectrum much longer, i know how it works, i understand it's physics, it's home for me, second nature to navigate, occasionally a coconut falls upon my head and leaves me slightly dazed and confused but that's okay, i like coconuts and often need one to assist in my thought processes. 
my mirror just needs to work it out in her own way what she wants while i can't act upon or show any inclination to. 
to act would be folly, the great mistake. 
i can hack the cosmos but i can't hack her.
that would be to betray everything i believe in so there we are. 
she must work it out herself, she must reach beyond the binary and see the penultimate.  

so my options are thin on the ground, back against the wall, i need to work my way out of this paradox, but that's what i always do, right? 

dig deep mission, into that leaking aura and bag of tricks. what's in there anyway? all spectrum's of dark and light  work, some deflectors, strange loops and quark,charm attractors, some vortex voodoo, a void technique, a bunch of old servitors and spirits hanging around with their talismans and occult sigils, a silver chord, a virgin unicorn and a knight armour i should have used 10 years ago, tequila gods, absinthe gods, a gorgon, various crystals, a birds nest radio that picks up the dead, a very  naughty entity that gets me in trouble far to often, spellcraft, lovecraft, whencraft, whocraft, whatcraft, witchcraft, whycraft, spacecraft. there's tricks, trinkets and other stuff. plant gods, desert gods, ocean gods, sky gods, war gods, sex gods. various goddesses, all impotent in the face of this situation. except one tiny meditation i picked up via thailand, the saviour machine, thank you john. 
it whirls around in the back of my aura, it's ever shifting, adapting to the situation, waiting for the command. 
i don't want to use it just yet, i may have to soon but i'm holding back, keeping it in check.  

i spend two days in deep meditations with the plant medicine i connect myself to the singularity. i have to work out my intention for ceremony, it has to be true and not corrupted by ego, desire and passion which is difficult for any highly skilled and fine tuned class one magickian let alone a kooky jazz cat wizard like me. discipline mission! 
when i snap into knowing. it all comes like a soft orgasm after a wet dream, i like that kind of revelation baby, they are the best. so i work it it into shape in my minds eye. it's a good statement, and by the time i say it completely radiating truth.

ceremony is good, she does slap me in the face over a minor issue i have let slide but then commands me 'do your stuff mission,' which i dutiful do, it's been a while but it snaps back into place intuitively. 
i have a little white heat issue, inner thermostat must be cooked, it's hard work and it's making me burn up, but each release is successful and my only real intervention is low key murmurs of 'breath' and 'non attachment.'
ms. mission rolls around on the floor, wild swings from release to joy and a couple of outbursts, one at me, 'be careful what you wish for.'
i always care for what i wish for, i think but now's not the time to get involved in that kind of intricate conversation so i just do my work. 
good to see you to, i think as i watch her dive in witnessing this beautiful union of glorious spirits. my my, it's so sensual i'm aroused, this is all a man like me could wish for.
some entities leave the body all very happy, for their liberation as well is important. 
sometimes it's humans that haunt spirits. 
she's awesome and she is awesome, deep healing occurs. guess it makes perfect sense i should be there to do the clearing.
i don't know what to write, i can't put it into words, bliss is an understatement, 3 days of bliss. i'm so blissed out i loose all sense of time. it's everything and yet it has to be nothing. the only thing i can use to describe the whole experience is that last line from trumpets, 'cos to be with you...is the same...as being..you.'
and i was in our tantra and out of it.
we both have missions. they will entwine i'm certain of it but her mission is her mission and mine is mine. it's easy to loose yourself in aya with messianic ideals, i have seen it many times and experienced it personally but i understand it only works the way it works on certain individuals. yes it has a effect on all but only a handful of people actually get it. 
we kiss. it's a goodbye one and it's unexpected, a small one that i break away from, cos i'm an idiot. right action. wrong action, i'm conflicted.
later i get a download and my head fractures open like a fissure in the earth, light lava pouring out of a volcano only in reverse, my skull showered with light quantum packets of information, stuff i shouldn't even know, and then the big one because my world revolves on one woman hips my thoughts turn to my spell and the saviour machine meditation. 
if i apply it and then when i see her again which is inevitable, i'll just fall in love again and then i'll have to repeat the meditation and be trapped in a loop ad infinitum, it would be to much. my mind would not be able to take the strain, or would it... i don't know, maybe that's the way out of the 'clusterfuck' to just love it back whatever it throws but i tried that once and no one wins. with the singularity spell i should be able to find a quantum technique to love it back and everyone wins, so there you are. i'm reminded off dr. stranges journey and how he rose to the challenge of his mythology, sacrifice by time loop.
i'm going in. 
it actually feels better now i understand what it involves. i could do it. 
i really can do this, man, i feel better now i understand the technique i need to apply.
but it turns out i don't have to. i have to do something else that apparently requires equally unselfish abilities. i can do that to but in a way it's harder, much harder and painful. 

i can do anything except the process is far to much information, it's making me feel very emotional, loosing my grip with all this multi tasking and talking, jesus man what's happening now, information from these two at the same time, each mashing it up with the other in remix tape downloads big biscuit dub mix, it's like a cheeky threesome for brainy people and i'm the most inadequate, i start thinking about unicorns, scrambled eggs, coconut palms in crystal blue lagoons, japanese swords  everything's swirling around like 60's psychedelia. i don't know what's going on. i'm not cut to listen to two people at the same time, all i know is i'm in the whirlpool of two different downloads. watch out for vortexes mission, you know how they work.
meanwhile the mirror universe is spinning into a new pattern, it's becoming something else now, and at the end of the day i just have to trust it, whatever it is, no expectations, no attachments, no limitations, i'm free and i really want her to be free but i only see a short term entrapment she's created, so i guess that's my wave to. i'm in free fall now, lets just hope someone out there will catch me.

'can you love two people at once?'
'yeah, but not if you want a novel, three people is the short story,'
i'm a novel man myself. it's a choice i guess. a tough one but one we make. i think about the other man, he needs her more than i need her, i get her more than he does. i think need outweighs 'gets' except when it applies to me, i need to be 'got' not needed. 
herein lies something quiet peculiar. 
steve, you may be the only man i would take advice from on this situation. are you out there?
maybe time will just sort it. 
maybe i'll just find myself in a vortex somewhere with coconut trees and good waves. 
maybe watch this space,
i sleep and dream. like my fate my dreams are inevitable, they always take me to her. i must have put the horse before the cart there, it's easy now it just happens through whatever connects us. it's safe still which is good but it's not as safe as i need which is going to require inner straight and some reenforced resilience. 
are we being tested, no. you are. fate and i already have made our pact. it set me free. 
is it a spell. it's my spell, therefore my responsibility.
he's your spell. he's yours, i get that to, your responsibility.
is it infinite growth, gravity and bliss. yes.

5 am blue, i slept a few hours and it was deep and profound. the saviour machine has gone quiet, it's gentle hum is still there but much fainter. i re read some messages, i don't understand why my phone sends all those stupid pictograms, i never liked that whole thing. must be my clumsy thumbs. 
so what am i going to do art thou.
i understand some of it, i have questions, i need answers to, i see many contradictions, fault lines, glitches and errors that need to be discussed. i need no protection from it though, i know that. but i need absolute freedom and this plan means i am not. i would be entrapped in something i chose to put myself in like you have. 
that's what i'm doing by honouring you. i'm dr. strange one way or the other. my spell was perfect. it worked. it got me everything i ever wanted and backfired. i told you.
i am a strange loop. 
i am now a dr. strange loop.
my truth is powerful, it's why i seek humility. it's my own darkness that is my light.
so what now. i'll take it one second at a time until i have to tock tick it. 
the saviour machine is silent now.
i feel i have to entrap myself to give you a chance to set ourself free. so i do this with love. for you. 












   

one minute your a lonely old magickian living in exile with your pet dragon and some over friendly colourful birds, the next, a spell you cast comes knocking down your door, leaking in through the floorboards, penetrating the cracks and fissures of your creaky old bones, infiltrating your tiny blood vessels and neural networks, your warm lumpy pumping organs and tribal drum pounding heartbeat and your long won peace and harmony, your fabulous zen, your amazing stillness and microscopic event horizons, and groovy plus karma is suddenly running to a standstill.
all that sweet smelling, radiating beauty and unbounded wisdom, and generous laughter is wrapped up in the presence of a very familiar face.
there i was in my many personas, osiris fucking my way through the over-world, seeking, searching sex and death on this eternal quest to locate my flame and seek out beloved isis and she's been right there coming into being for the last 15 years. she was in my fucking phone!
i'm not an old magickian just a dumb one, to slow witted to see the truth, see the obvious. i am the fool, the foolish fool, walking oblivious to everything that actually would make anything worthwhile. the hounds of love snapping at my heels.
so, A fucking A is here, i'm not just overwhelmed, i'm baked in her radiance, seeing for the very first time, i'm not even me, i'm someone else, i'm the man i wanted to be in that other life, the one where it's all animal warmth and snug cotton wool infancy. i'm the wrong me, that one is redundant, i have to be the other me, the one that speaks wisdom and knowledge and secret truths, but a coconut fell upon his head and he's under the tree contemplating all his lives catching up with him, is he the story or the writer he wonders. 
but, in this very moment. i'm dying, my psychosomatic cough is fucking sabotaging my throat, i can't speak without spluttering, hacking or catching a breath. she say's, i'm not communicating something and i know she's absolutely correct because she's the most brilliant woman on earth but i just can't quite believe it yet, stuck in fucking awe again, all this awe will kill you mission, your soul will explode or something. i must move fast but take everything slow. hows that for a paradox? we have so much to do. she's my mission. in fact she is, ms mission. she knows it, i know it, but we are in some holding pattern and she's all divine time whereas i'm all dream time. 

my mission today is: 

step one: destroy the last second.
step two: destroy the present second.
step three: destroy the next second. 


  
  

i travel through an astral realm, it's almost certain in a world of uncertainty i am where i am. i didn't try. i had a planned a different method of protection, one based upon control over myself but some preordained fate has other plans.
i just travelled there in the straightest route i know. and it was perfection, no defences, no challenge, surrender on both parts.  

the great way say's -  be like ice about to melt, bend to be straight, empty to be filled, wear down to be renewed, reduce to gain, the softest surpasses the hardest, be weak to be strong, the rigid tree shall fall and the softest and weakest can be water yet it is still strongest. 

i cast that spell a few months ago, it was my last one as far as i was aware and then obliterated all knowledge of it, only the symbol remained somewhere in the space between our worlds, the energised sigil potent and free. i had no expectation, not even a memory. then out from the chaos sphere a magnetic energy, attraction.

our astral bodies met, they begin the entanglement on a different level however the spell is yet incomplete. i did my work, i'll take full responsibility for it. high probability it's just fate playing with me, but that's okay as i love to play. attraction has an equal and opposite force, that's the one i guess i feel somewhat anxious about but i have to meet it either way in order to know.
the dawn comes, i'm driving down some narrow country roads out near farms and wineries, magnificent horses in the morning light, the birds awake and hungry swooping like electrons at the centre of the atom, everything is alive. 

  

the ocean loves me, it bestows me many gifts in it's strange currents i swim, float and play, i kiss the divine every moment i am in there. i have my union, activated and radiating my vibration through creation. it's alive, it's sexy and it's now. come on baby what else is there? money won't feed it, new shoes won't feed it, that trip to acapulco won't feed it, i gave up feeding the void and now it's just nourishment feeding me. come on baby, get in the holy groove tube, desires defunct, duality kaput, details don't matter in the big picture, let it overwhelm you with awe, it's beauty and truth. suffer no more, hurt no more, everything ceased and starts again. one wave is never the same, an oceanic lesson is that conditions change, and we change, but conditions also stay true and we should to.  
the universe loves me, it bestows upon me many things in all wonderful diversity, i am everywhere, from dead space out near andromeda heights to the pleasure domes of anteries. galaxies sprawl my synapses, life reigns only to rejoice at the spectacular movement through space time, and there is a plan man, a perfect plan. i see it, i feel it in my old bones and heart and even my brain knows its true. 
my body dissolves,it's atoms and molecules are sub atomic now, i'm not even i, i'm...us.
dissolution is where i will meet you and then we can navigate the last stage. 
  

PLAYGROUP - make it happen

another long day, no time to languish in the weekend spectrum, no time to be, it's time to do. the holy dawn has almost fallen and i'm already driving down the zen freeway, my mind in the fast lane with kate bush turned up high, the pod moves like a blood corpuscle along a empty artery in a beautiful body it can't comprehend. oh look to bridge, the netherworld traversed, oh look to the waters, the dawn of time scattered in light zones, hues of ancient pink and cobalt blue, the sun and the water and the moon. if your a smart reader you  know alchemy at work, it's not as chemical as people think. oh look theres the rest of the human race, zipping here and there on their way to beat the drum. 
i've thought long and hard, pondered the situation i am in. it's so peculiar but then isn't everything i have ever done. my whole vast fucking experience is incomprehensible in terms of logic and reason, it can only be understood in magickal terms of reference, spells i cast all worked despite their glitches and mutations, i perfected the art, the magick flowed, i used it and now it uses me. that's a good relationship, i don't have to do much, just let it all happen
but never have i manifested such a circumstance as this. i have to fall back to first principles, take responsibility. 
the day ends as dark clouds cut across the skies, thunder and lightning, i drive home to beat the hail, the roads are empty again, kate sings, 'gabriel before me, raphael behind me, micheal to my right, urial on my left side, in the circle of fire.'

long days, hot nights, i can't sleep it's stinking hot in old mission control and there's a layer of strange slime all over my old skin suit, i have about four showers and sit under the fan listening to the cure smoking johnny hash and letting my mind do it's thing.

i'm curious about my chaos sphere, it's eight stars are all quite reasonably happy and equal but the old purple one is pointing in a new direction, and that green one just lights up. what the fuck.

anyways, i think about this and that  a million thoughts traverse through the opera of my imagination, mostly singing animals, secret landscapes and waves i have yet to surf. 

then i start thinking about helen of troy, and then i start thinking about girls and women and one pops in my head and i wonder what's the point of sailing if not for a woman. it seems absurd to me. 

what the fuck, again, these thoughts must be free to pop but they are not actually popping, they float around in their helium filled happiness. what the fuck! 

i suddenly realise i need to use the air con, it's not something i do often but tonight is an extraneous circumstance. yes it is, i'm hot and bothered and feeling strangely fuzzy. i should drink beer, after all it's a medicinal solution. fortunately i have some i saved for jake. they lay around for weeks and because i have a fridge full of tahitian limes, i'm thinking perfecto. i knock back two, before my brain starts complying and winding down. i must admit i quite like beer from el salvador, come to think off it i am quite south american in my tastes when it comes to exotic drinks, beers, tequilas and vines. 

the heat becomes manageable once the air con kicks in, i remember its australia day, although it's also invasion day for some, i dunno, what to feel. i mean it could have been the spanish arriving, that would not of had a good ending, it could have been the french, jesus, we may have better culture and art but in the end it was the english. a bunch of idiots who thought they would bring their working class (i'm one) out to van diemen's land. oh never mind the natives they said, we are the english. 

they did that a lot in those old days when there was an empire. the british empire was not bad, it wasn't good either. it was history. no point crying over spilt milk, just have to somehow move forwards, so i don't celebrate oz day any more than i celebrate the queens birthday. i don't celebrate anything really except the fact i inhabit a beautiful planet with amazing things, birds, animals, trees, weird flowers, food and drink, waves, books and girls and fucking incredible music like the church and the cure and david bowie and kate bush and it's all so fucking amazing it blows my mind every second of every day.

anyway back to sailing, yeah even those crazy captains janszoon, cook, and philips only sailed to australia  because their queen had told them to. i can't fathom why a man would sail for any other reason. those trojans knew the score. 

last surf of the week, i sneak on in after work. i've been everywhere today, on the western suburbs of sydney, entering new places that have strange names, i'm taken to harris park, eastern creek, arndell park, austra, leppington, we visit places that have have not even been built, vast housing estates and blocks of land, suburbs in the pre construction phase of development, massive holes in the land, vacant spots where trees grew, and i see where the new airport is going to be built and i see the ages creeping out of the future eating the past, and i see the unborn faces of millions crying for space, water and air and i see the global families marching to temples, mosques and citadels  and i see the face of the future is burning cigarettes and coffee, slow time, unemployment, yellow teeth and burnt out eyes and i see the hordes of people living in their symmetry, and i see migratory patterns played out across decades as chess players in city hall make great plans like colonial landlords always do, i see only the death of nature.
however i am talking about the old testament to my friend, explaining it in terms of consciousness, he's interested in the history because he is a sheik, and he has a history to which he shares. 
much later i am back in the water at terrible beach, and i catch one perfect ride. it's taken me a third of the wave to fully tune in to the wave, i'm so surprised by it's might. the rest of it i'm turned on and activated. yeah i have the bliss now. i'm in a captain mission state of mind, surf, play, love. 
in the twilight i discover a new jamaican place, it's called mumbo jumbo's and i think it's going to be my local haunt. i sip a watermelon drink with mint, look down at the waves and listen to a great busker down the street playing some beats, hip hop that grooves along like a funky summer in key largo, i'm all surfed out now. ready to lay under the fan at mission control and meditate upon my predicament.    

for a long time now i feel like my journey is at an end, imagine a train coming to a standstill and then strangely the landscape and universe move passed the window, they are on their journey while mine is ended or at least at a station. years ago i cast my last  spell and it may just have been answered. i'm about to discover if that is true. it could just be a wishful thought on my part, it could be the beginning or the beginning. it could be the end or start off a possibility or future that actually has a happy ending as well as a happy beginning, the facts are i can't be attached to the outcome only wait for it to arrive.

the station is a good place, i can stretch my legs, focus on my writing, be creative and transverse my inner landscapes. my philosophical enquires passive and true like the calm surface of an ocean, there is nothing stirring under the deep waters, no desires, no needs, no impulsions. around me, people pop with these things. 

over the years i have faced my demons, some i banished others i bound. they serve me well. 

i understand my power, therefore i don't use it.

i know my self and i am true to that, therefore i am at peace.

i know my responsibilities therefore i am a man.

i know my will therefore i have purpose.

i know my karma therefore i have balance.

i know my universe and therefore i have it's love.

all that is left is devotion.

i have wild dreams, in an ocean of turbulence, swept this way and that, through all sorts of ebbs and flows, it's a journey with no destination, i'm carried along where forces take me but i am aware i'm in this dream. when i wake up it's still dark outside.

very early morning i speak with my father, long conversation but there's little to speak about. it's chit chat, his life is coming to  transition, i want him to feel okay about everything, to feel no fear and let go with love and dignity as i will have to, it's sometimes awkward to speak to him about but sometimes he enjoys the affirmation. i tell him there's a new clint eastwood movie called the mule but he does not seem motivated, it's winter and miserable outside. we say goodbye and i drive to the beach. 

the mirror is vast, it's straddles two land masses, reflecting the sky. a gentle ripple flows across it's surface. it's perfect for meditation, not surfing this morning so i cast my mind into the void and fish for information. i feel okay, i'm calm and at peace, i'm getting healthy and being productive at work and in my own life. my desires are simple, i am loved by the universe, i feel it every moment of every day unless i'm on the phone to telstra or dealing with the zombie horde. my garden is fertile, abundant jungle. my needs are met. i hold a space for someone to arrive. i have no expectations, i have no limitations. 

my son calls seeking some advice - be free, don't carry to many things while you are young, be in the moment and open to all possibilities. 

i'm glad he rang me. 

i miss him but he is where he needs to be.

harmony is powerful, a good space to sit in. 

strange dream, a forest filled with old growth, high canopy and shadows, big old growth trunks everywhere. fortunately i speak to trees and the forest is my friend. yeah its a huge protective shield that stops penetration of dark energies, and i am a dark energy. i sit in the woods, under the trees, i whisper to them and they understand, they send messages to their host but protective fields are protective for a reason and take great a certain amount of conscious dexterity to navigate. permission is the key, however communication is a big part of that movement that turns the key. 
the trees agree. 
matters need to be taken into my hands, i'm the captain of this ship and the last thing i want is to end up shipwrecked so i must take certain steps to make sure i am responsible for outcomes and there are no traps, unexploded psychic bombs, imploding neurosis's and renegade phantoms.
i hate doing this sort of thing, it's not that it's confronting it's just that it's revelation and i like to keep things under radars. however i know what i must do.
it must be done.
however first i take my old skin suit for its morning surf , oh wow, big waves, waves so out of control it's going to require skill and coordination to work out how to catch them, i call these waves high frequency waves they come in fast and in close proximity to one another. i'm already in the surf before i think, neptune bids me welcome and is happy to see me, offers me insights and yogic fruition of a few loose ends. 
i can't say these waves can be surfed, they have to much wild energy, inconsistency and chaos breaking down, i dive under one only to be hit by another, it's good but it's not surfing. i'm in there for about 2 hours and realise it's just not going to improve. the ocean however is a violent lover today, i'm getting deep body pummelled and thrown about while enjoying it perversely. 
time throws me back to when i had dreadlocks, i don't know why, jake has fond memories of that time. i guess as i was his prime carer i imprinted upon him with dreads. i shaved them of when they became so popular, i hate being fashionable, it's why i stopped wearing suits. 
these thoughts propel me to another strange decision, it's so random i need to follow it. 
i must go to asia and have some clothes made for me. two suits made from linen, one white or cream coloured, the other black. how did that idea become so dominant, it found its way through my time travel into my mind as an instruction. it's significant enough for me to listen to. later in the afternoon my cousin calls with the idea to take me to thailand for a break. excellent, it's time to smoke a spliff and enjoy the rest of the day.

i'm awake at 4am, after all i did have a very early night, deep dream states i cannot recall, appointments i have no idea if i kept,  just a vague feeling i am where i am.
time slips its bondage, space moves around and i find myself in the ocean at dawn. 
my module sits in it's space with the other dawn patrol modules. old men, the diggers and their brave women are out already, spindly legs, line ravaged features where the elements have invaded, subjects of time, marked by its passing. all off us find ourselves in the ocean at dawn, doing our ritual. 
my fin is looking battered and worn, i really need a new one but i love this one so much, it has been with me since forever and it feels loyal and trustworthy. i guess years of surfing have developed a relationship but i know it to be a tool, and it's time for a replacement. the surf is warm, like a tepid bath, it's ridiculously calm and gentle as i wade out wards, high tide on it's way out so the dynamic is different, no rips, no white water, no turbulence. i straddle a wave but it's not a wave, it's a big ripple. it takes me nowhere. inertia forces me to relax, i float upon my back looking at the sky, my mind calm and still. occasionally i swim out and then wait for a wave but none come so i swim back to my depth. at one point i stand in the light from the sun reflected upon the surface, the golden path. i invoke it's energy and feel it filling my bodies until charged, it's going to be an intense day so this early light is useful, not harsh and burning but tender and nourishing.
by 8am i am back at mission control, doing laundry and domestics chores, determined to make the environment less cluttered and more presentable. it's slightly embarrassing having so many books everywhere, piles up to the sky, walls covered with volumes, shrines to genres. mission control lacks the woman's touch, it's just pure me, and i'm not sure if that's a good thing sometimes. the kitchen is organised chaos, it's filled with items, food supplements  nutrition, condiments but no actual food. when i think about the whole thing it's bizarre  even my fridge has elixirs, potions, plant medicines and herbs. plus my high quality coconut water supply. the only food lies hidden in the freezer where i keep my treasure chest of frozen berries, cherries and acia. 
i have three days off so i commit to a big tidy up.

she has asked to be my muse, she has asked to learn from me my art, my craft but it puts me in an awkward position, not that i am adept when it comes to contorting my way around reality, i can do it but it will require some brutal truths and honesty that she may find uncomfortable and transform friendship into some mutated aftermath or plunge deeper further into something very profound. 

from my position in space time it makes sense, but i am a single sun and around me orbit many planets, most are dead or unsustainable. the truth is i do not require planets, i need a moon. 

is she a moon?

i see vast potential but it's going to be so confronting for her, everything she thinks she knows about me will shift to another level, and i am unaware of her attitude towards an extreme individual like myself. for her it will be counter intuitive for me it is all intuitive. 

is it a risk to disclose such information, i fear it is but then i feel i can work through that in a constructive way. i'm confident in myself but she is a slightly unknown quantity to me.

but women are generally tricky, they speak in tongues. mean one thing act in the opposite, they are complex, ruled by many forces they have no comprehension off, loyalty shifts, commitment wavers, like butterflies they move from one flower to another but i am not a flower, i am a tree and a vine and within my own being lies infinity. 

i once did a course in transpersonal art therapy and although i never stuck around for an exam or completion, i did feel as though i got the stuff down. i've never been one for diplomas, certificates and examinations, i seek knowledge not paper.
some of the content was weak, i think it was two years and the teachers were okay but not one of them had actually done anything vaguely shamanic apart from drumming, and maybe dance. there was no talk about shamanic medicines therefore it was all one dimensional but i did get a lot from some of the exercises. during the course i met a woman whom i recall as being one of the most beautiful women i had ever seen. it didn't hit me like a bolt of lightning, it was slow and easy like a good friendship developing i guess.
things i remember. her ritual was very powerful, possibly the only one that really stood out as authentic to me, plenty of theatre, filled with intent. i saw the energy and release. it stayed with me.  even now i hear the tone of her voice and the look in her eyes. i had no idea what it was about or for and that makes it very powerful because i picked up it as energy.
the first time i really noticed her we were all in a circle drawing and i saw her draw something abstract but quite amazing, her art was possibly the best in the room. she knew how to create, she made it look easy as well. i watched her secretly admiring her otherworldly energy and skill but i was cautious as i knew she was in some sort of relationship and didn't want to mess with anything so i kinda kept a safe distance. 
unbeknown to me she was unhappy and sad. 
when she told me this years later i felt terrible. i really did. i almost wept. it's unimaginable such a beautiful person could be in this situation for so long.
anyway, after the course i only saw her a few times but every time i saw her i was under the impression she was in some sort of perfect world with her partner, so again i never really felt like it could be anything else but friendship. and i guess i was frightened as she is so easy to fall in love with.
so when she turns up again i am strangely affected by her journey. that i could have done something, some sort of intervention, said something, been a better friend. 
anyway, i think i'm going to make her an agent. whenever i think about her it's always good things. she's got the perfect mix for an excellent agent, slightly kooky, beautiful inside and out, has great creative and healing powers and is a good friend. 

strange night at mission control, initiation with the vine for my lovely friend but although all codes are followed the vine didn't kick in. it was internet sourced and in tea form so perhaps it was not powerful enough, perhaps we made a mistake somewhere, all i know is we felt very strange and have turned into vines on the inside. our bodies attempting to get rid of the stuff from our system.
it was a great couple of days however, i really loved being with my friend, she's so special. 
we have embarked upon a magical experiment. i'm somewhat apprehensive as my techniques are extreme tantra, whereas she may not be so liberated. we didn't speak about this and i did offer some alternatives but i don't really know how effective they will be. 
our first experiment was some dream yoga, i love working in astral planes and although it worked my recall was somewhat vague  just an impression of being close. 

it's been about 30 years since i first read money by martin amis, i've changed considerably since then and so has pretty much everything else. i mean i wonder if a publisher would touch such a book now?
i would. it's my kind of book, brilliantly executed, amazing writing and very brave. i'm staggered by the writers skills, his dexterity and obvious humour. what's it about?
man, it's about the voice, one man's voice as he consumes his way through excess. not that much actually happens, sex, violence, drugs and drinking but the voice that narrates the tale is so engaging and entertaining the reader almost is complicit. i love this book. 
late last night i was watching a tv adaptation of john nivens, 'kill your friends' a book i have also read and enjoyed. the main character a rock and roll pr man called steven stelfox reminded me of money's central character john self. i did a little research and came up with a piece published in 'the independent' where john niven reviews 'money' and claims it is his book of a lifetime. he also says he borrowed john self for steven stelfox which makes perfect sense. although john self would be musch better company on a night out.
   

the yearning inside to get back to the ocean grew each moment i was separated, like a true love story distance hurts the spirit. i watch it early morning from my car, still and soft like a gentle surface of lapping affection, the sand almost virgin, the sky washed out and pale like a watercolour running in rain. it's yearning for me, i feel it in my own waters. joy division music.
later i find myself with some spare hours. i drive down again, my body feels slightly better than usual, i seem to be swiftly recovering, antibiotics kicked in work their way through my blood stream.
i find a spot far away from anyone and enter the ocean, it's arms surround me. it's warmth energy embraces me, and i wade out until i am submerged. 
i open my eyes under the surface and only see the cleanest blue, i gaze out and therefore gaze in.
there are no waves but neptune listens to my needs, i wonder if will power will draw one. i ask nice. it does come, a middle sized soft rolling one, no power but plenty of precision. my fin catches it and i soar for a meter or two. a taster i guess. 
i splash around, a few small waves come along and i dive down. when i surface a black sea bird with a long neck pops out with me. i saw 'hello' and it turns in acknowledgement. 
it's an australian darter bird i research when i get home, a magnificent swimmer as well as master of flight.

okay, i suffered greatly for my depravity. man it was a great night though and i'm looking forwards to the next. as soon as i feel better. sore throat, strange fuzzy thinking, clouded logic permeates  reason, my aura leaking savagely. 
i watch waves break, beautiful and tormenting as i cannot access the ocean until i feel healthy. i've taken a few days off to recover. 
sympathetic angels stroke my forehead while cute little demonesses infiltrate my mind. such is the paradox of duality. 
i miss my dad, i really would like to catch up with him soon. i miss my son, we had a great couple of days swanning around the culture bunkers. maybe i'm just punishing myself, maybe it's a reward. it's hard to tell.

i escape occasionally, one long night with a girl from canberra whom has found herself on the coast. she introduces me to her friends who are wicked and i easily succumb to temptation. lust is my sin of choice, given that it's not really a sin and more of a hedonistic endeavour to feel something. we cross thresholds, new boundaries and  landscapes, a whole world of possibilities reveal themselves but like all hedonistic endeavours the next few days i am run down, verging upon illness and feeling very sickly. 
what can i say, women fascinate me. 

driving back after a long hard day at work fixing up other peoples mistakes, catastrophe averted, i wish i got paid extra for this, it would come in handy. anyway's i'm good in crisis, and my job is like crisis management so i manage. 
it's a strange drive, no traffic, slight rainfall, a few minites to midnight on new years eve. i could be at a party with some french girls, smoking exotic weed and sipping colourful cocktails with classy looking fruity decorations but instead i am driving down the freeway looking at the strange landscape, washed out in faint rain and clouds, rock walls all dark and ominous. i play with the radio and people are talking about the last year, bits of news items pop up. politics and dramas, and then in all that shit a story that i really liked, a story about human beings that i think deserves more attention  and it involves an australian doctor. it's the thai soccer team cave rescue. 
if 2018 had anything good, this was it.
google it man, i know those caves, they are hell to navigate and it takes incredible bravery to even consider doing a cave dive. it's the most extreme of sports. 
a united effort by people from all over the planet helped save those boys, and they themselves were helped by a remarkable coach who stayed with them. it's a real story about real people, real heroes and real catastrophe averters. 
so humanity has a chance. a small one but at least it's there. 
come on people, lets see more of this stuff, lets see more heroic altruism and 2019 may be a good year.
happy new year people   

a couple of early morning waves keep me focused on the prize, a few massive ones nearly crush me, but it's all experience. 
i haul my ass over to kings cross to meet jakob for lunch, he's somewhat trashed after a big night and morning at the beach, looks better than me though. we wander around find a cafe that makes amazing snacks, and a selection of great juices. the guy whom runs it is lovely and we chat with him for a while, then head down through the park to check out the carnivorous plant exhibition at the botanical gardens, some of these plants are just alien. it really reminds me of a jungle planet i wrote about a long time ago. 

later we visit the art gallery and although i have felt uninspired and a little cynical i did see some magnificent koori pieces that were breathtaking and profound.

jakob seems to have developed a taste in art and has great appreciation of style, emulating my own philosophy. we have great chats and get deep about a few subjects but time runs out and once again i make my way home alone.
however, i am grateful i have an interesting son, a man whom is very much an individual. i love him and who he is. it's quite remarkable. 

i do loathe this time of year, it never fails to depress me because i am so alone. even with jake here, about one and a half hours away i am alone, and have been since about 1992. that's okay it will pass and xmas will never retain it's value other than a commercial exercise in tension, money and loneliness and a desperation for life to just get back to normal where expectations are low. 
i worked a few hours xmas day, then travelled to kograh to visit val and olga for a hash cookie and catch up. i have not seen them for ages and spent boxing day with them. they took me to the infamous cronulla and i went for a surf with val, later into newtown for a movie and some drinks, dinner and goodbye. it's always good to see them. 
back home i fell into a deep sleep.
this morning i took myself to the beach at dawn and caught some great waves, the water was amazing, refreshing and nurturing and whatever tension and residual anger / bitterness washed away. that energy is deep inside my bones but every day it seems easier to carry, divorce is hell when children are involved. dad's always lose out, that's the way it is i guess. what can you do but surf away the blues, maybe learn the harmonica.
it's hot, sun burns through the day like an avenging angels sword. the birds come for assistance, water, food, even my fish are chilling under their bridge. me i swan around in my sarong, not really knowing what to do with myself.  

it's just such a great energy hanging out with my son, he's the smartest guy i know, streets and wisdom, and he knows how to have a good time. 
it's good to know i was part of getting something right, his mum did a great job, no denying that. he was really spawned in avalon, part of a great little community of possibilities although i liked newport as it had a little bit of punk in the beach town, eventually that was jazzed up and made to look like florida or something. 
anyway's avalon was outside the box, filled with strange art cats, creatives, cosmic stuff. i was tuned on to some great meditations and astral travelling all over the place. picking up transmissions, sending signals, it was a trip. a good one. 
for jake it was paradise as well, but in a way babies and toddlers dig. beautiful safe beach with rock pools abundant with life, hard core world class surfers out on the north, boogie board riders and much younger kids growing up swimming in smaller waves, in the outside, unafraid, adapting to environments, learning to love and being loved. i read a lot to him, even in the womb, looked after him for the first 3 years, the best years i ever had, how i look back on those three years, i was so lucky to have them really. 
anyway's jake grew up, he left australia to seek his own life in london and he made it work for him. 
i remember when you moved it to that small room, the mattress curled up at either end the room was so tiny. you stuck it out and then he found an internship, and you sweated it out to get better positions in different companies and you made it work. and now you come visit home a man. 
your journey is always unveiling itself, it's similar to mine and vastly different, but it's yours, and that makes you find out who you are and where your place is in this world, and eventually the universe. the best outcome is to relax about everything and just trust. it really is about letting go, something very profound in that concept. when they talk about being in the moment what they really mean is letting go of the last one. i know whatever the future holds for you it will be good. you are always welcome here if you want to escape anything, no questions, no agenda, just come chill out with your old man, read, play chess and be in the moment.
i'd be so happy to have you stay here.
london is good when your young and need something to stimulate your but it's a big fucking city that eats you up and spits you out, history's dark energy swirls around like an oroboros. it will eventually eat itself, you can see it now, it's been failing for years, the decline of the west. london has a karmic debt, it cashing in it's chips now. 
the beauty of australia is it has surf, that's it chaos, a swirling pure energy made from hydrogen and water, it has inherent power that can feed all life if you know how to be nourished. there's no agenda there, it loves and kills, it nourishes or depletes, it is the universe and it's all about the observer. 
gradually as i built my relationship with the surf i realise how alike it is to my relationship with you. it's respectful, honest and powerful built upon a strong foundation of love. 
sometimes we catch a wave for one another, sometimes it's still and we just bob up and down waiting happily, doing our thing. quality over quantity is the name of that game. everyday i go out there hoping to catch a wave, often there is nothing but when one comes along it sustains me. 
you are my wave jake. the one i surfed and still surf with, it's been the best ride ever. the best. i'd wipe out for a wave like you anytime.

    

big wave, massive swell, it's powerful stuff this morning as i find myself enjoying another session in the water. 40 minites of high quality quantum yoga, man i'm generating a field like a new god. pushing the boundary, pushing myself, gotta remain alive, healthy and vital. restorative powers regeneration, a new being. a new me.

some bar somewhere where people celebrate something they are to drunk to know. girls are falling down all over the place, guys display their tattoo's around a pool table. the bar staff all look like gnomes, shaved heads and long beards. a girl plays a guitar, her voice whines away like modern women. i clap when she plays a tune i like, gotta support music right?
i'm watching a beautiful woman in a short dress eating a selection of cheeses, she's drinking a sparkling blue drink made from vodka, flirting with her girlfriend who strokes her hair.
i make them laugh with a story and sip a sparkling water with lime floating on the top.
it's good to get out the house and actually do something social. i gotta refine my skills, when i am good i am good, when i am bad, blah!

energy transforms is not diminished.
nature likes spirals
geometry is constant amidst the change
vortex spirals are everywhere and can be controlled.

centrapedence - often represented by arch angel micheal 'keeper of the watch' or 'guardian' the one who serves behind the throne. 
he is biological improvement, creation a high vibrational field that ripple out, light, colour, sound and then physical matter. there is no friction in this force. it benefits life.

centrafugence - biological deterioation, a scattering force, slowed by natural courses. 

gabriel - 'god is my strength' infinite surface area but finite volume, a connecting between finite and infinite is when the horn is sounded, the horn being another geometric shape.

uriel is 'the light of god' prepares the way for the unfolding of the light of god within every soul. the flame of god.
this quality creates and opens black holes, travelling through when a great mass of photons is released, i.e. death.

raphael- stirring the water at the healing pool. 
invisible vortex, influence the body, spirit. water is 70% of us. thus water energies are healing as raphael is the healing force. 
geometrically this is represented by quantum tunnelling.  

i'm surfed out. it's the most satisfying feeling in the world, the sun, water and air cruise through your bones and radiate a vibration of love. and so it began. 

contact from the beautiful trina whom i have known for a long time now. she is a beautiful witch. we are different but it always works. i'm happy she contacted me, for the most unselfish reasons. that's love right?
secondly my english friends, tez and jean reached out to me after months and months of silence. i guess it was just circumstance, it's true i could have handled it better but it was honest and our friendship can only get better. anyways, it was great despite the technology involved, i hope to skype with them soon as i am able. but we put behind us a wound, and commenced some healing, that's love. right?
and thirdly my old friend in the suburbs caroline whom has reconnected with me after many many years. i can't wait to see her again. the stories we will share. 
val and olga and a whacky xmas together i'm sure. two grinches and elf. it will be nuts.
stick who rang in today, a new friend but a great one. i'm grateful for all these people. wilde, stone, everyone who has helped me along  the way. 

i'm looking forwards, that's healthy and hopeful. i must admit i have not had that for a while. it's been grim out there, for everyone. it's not real but it does have implications upon me that is overwhelmingly negative but i have to ground myself in it as it is war. 
a battle has been declared, it started long ago and it's coming back for us. i wish i could escape it but i can't it's coming for me and what i know to be true. i have seen it in the background all my life, the march of unreason, envy, hate, fear and ignorance. it's soldiers out number me, it's weapons are lies and disinformation. it's my o'brien and i will never answer 5 to it.
so a little love goes a long way. i want to love my enemies, those that will hate me. i've found it's power. 
it's not a weak religious force, it's a message of authority and power. 
i don't want to mislead anyone, it is not easy and i fail sometimes but with these four people around, i am feeling positive.

early morning waves crashing, splattering the body of a tired and worn out captain mission, the holy echo of neptune whispers in his ears and slides through his atoms. water is in everything is it not, pulled by lunar forces, astrological impulsions resonate through life itself, and water is the conduit. 
i'm surfing through anger, anger at the stupid dumb girl who has constantly intruded upon my zen, the idiot stalker, the sender of a billion photographs of breakfast lunch and dinner, the random snippets of her mundane thoughts constantly and the useless information she carries about serial killers and such. my head throbs from boredom, frustration and the way it infiltrates me. i have to put a ban on her contacting me. for sanity sake.
the surf shakes my bones, a big mother fucking wave crashes down upon my soul. i can deal with big waves but dumb blondes?

slow train coming, station to station, somebody might wave back, downtown train, train in vain, man so many train songs i like. anyway i'm on the train, in newtown, in the city on a mission. there's a redfern moment and a strathfield opportunity as all lines converge. it's a short mission, a simple one and i must be back at base quickly and without anyone noticing. 

morning surf is magnificent, crystal waves structures healing architecture, my body vibrates with the energy, my fin somewhat battered these days, worn and frayed, but still very effective. it's a colder current, it's vital, i can pick up deep aquatic vibrations and depths own dark  and ancient intelligence.

afternoon sun is perfect, sinking into the horizon, the ground gives way to tomorrow. i catch the last rays of ancient sunlight, the promise of the future revealed. my blood is processed, white and red corpuscles, plasma tide, energetic pulse a micro lightening as energy comes under strict control and alters, i guide it, shape it, move through turbulence and bring it down to perfect sets and beautiful patterns.

night brings clarity, her nocturnal army marches my way, it's wonderful to surrender sometimes to something more powerful than myself, more determined and when we meet in an erotic explosion i wonder if light really travels fast, how did darkness get there first? 

i got burned, taken for a ride by someone i trusted. it really cuts but i have to let it go, there are so many actions i could take and i think about but i don't need the karmic complications so i just hope somewhere in the girls head she understands the disappointment i feel. it's just more deception than i like around me. i like people who are true or at least fake it well. 

anyways head down, work harder, let go, move forwards. i'm good at it.

  

bright future looms, the karma police have arrived and one by one my enemies are being dealt their justice. don't look in the eye of the gorgon, it's stare will freeze you where you stand. the beast has many eyes, snake head blues stone cold killer. it's a beast with a proven history, it's only slain by those with eyes wide open and shut, look away, avert thy gaze, for the blind will see the truth will set you free. my tip to gorgon killers is wear dark shades and use the third eye.

 

i start a new chapter at work, a new boss, finally someone i respect. i'm burnt out, thinking about leaving, offers rolling in, but i'm hanging in there, not really sure why and now the tide is shifting. 
i finished reading a novel yesterday, the main character is a young teenager, he witnesses something terrible and it effects him for the rest of his life. later he is haunted by pictures of stick figures drawn in chalk. it's a mystery and as we read each chapter reveals something. but the ending is far to dramatic for me, the twist is intense but just not english enough to match the plot, it's more american. however, in the final chapter we discover something about the main character that even he does not know. i liked that. that was the english bit. 
usually i prefer american writers.
they build a house next door to me, that means lots of machinery diggers, sawing and noise. no privacy. i wake early and return at dusk, there are tree trunks everywhere. it looks obscene, a crime against nature. i hate the slow destruction, incrementally humans eat nature. one day it will turn upon them. 
i sigh and watch with heavy heart and great sadness the death of the trees i have grown to love. 
doors are opening and closing, it's life's little moments, sliding doors, choices, alternative universes. i slid into one and it's opposite appears. i think the glass is half full but discover it empty. 
a call from out of the blue, bad news travels fast, head seems to throb like vast energies about to explode. i listen for a while to the voice at the end, a girl i know. she's droning on and i loose my temper. i wake up in the shopping market, a bottle of coconut water in my hands. i'm dealing with intrusion. it's spilling into my illusions. she's squawking about a psychopath we know. many years ago he hunted me down but i escaped, only to find he had joined forces with other psychopaths. 
they had the power and they sucked up into their dark energies all my powers, left me weak and vulnerable  one thing i have learnt is when you come across a psychopath in life, leave them alone. so i did. i left them all and now she's come back to remind me.
'but he's a psychopath' she wails.
'yeah i know. you had your chance but you were all cowards.'
'we are all scared of him,'
'that's what psychopaths do.' 
i end the conversation, i'm upset and need a drink. that glass was half full i think, now it's fucking empty. 
    

awake early and head down to the ocean where i see the surf conditions are excellent and take advantage, straight in. big waves to, but these are sexy and treat me kindly, oh my god, this is amazing, i'm almost a dolphin. sometimes i ride the fall of the wave, sometimes the crest, i'm all over it, in tune with neptune and back where i belong. my fin is looking beaten and worn, i notice the strap is frayed and there are some chips on the edge, maybe it's time to pick up a new one.

those floating islands, sometimes zones of thoughts, 
private climates, instinctive homes 
to the creatures in exotic forests 
and all the peoples who are alone
you penetrate further deeper, you move down that line like a cool river
weaving it's way through jungle heat. 
all the creatures look your way, all eyes gaze, 
jungle cacophony tears itself silent and a satellite looks down at this exotic moment. frozen now.
frozen time, you walk through the crowds, shopping malls, schools, high streets and traffic, you see it all in-between the blink, freeze frame.
you could steal an ice cream, money, a car. you could walk into a bank and fill your case with cash no one would ever know. even nature has stopped, if you look carefully you can see a raindrop exploding but that's details and you are not here for the details. 
in through the glass eyes of strangers, travelling around corners and curves, you don't hesitate. locked on, to what you want, what you need what your going for. 
uncertain smile, unguarded moment.