this one's dedicated to tez and the jean jeanie..

i picked up the distress call while i was in a cryogenic sleep, dreaming of erotic nebulas and sexy galaxies where i would retire. it was a reoccurring dream play, i had programmed the ships computer to include lot's of sex, drugs, rock and roll and a happy ending, which i was looking forwards to but unfortunately the distress beacon interrupted my adventure before the happy ending.
i downloaded the information into my wetware, it happened in a micro second, between blinks, this new wetware was very efficient, i think it was venusian technology, those folks out there had cornered the market in human a.i. interfacing, although i'd only been hooked up for two years, it was still early days. 
there had been a number of horror stories with the first versions, space mythology i guess, tales of wetware over-riding the organic functionality, minds at war, conflict meltdown where the human just froze in inaction. tales where wetware had caused the mind to self implode due to a battle against the ego's, stories of people who started to change their personalities as the a.i. persona took hold, but i guess like any transplant there were difficulties on the frontier. 
incidentally a few months after the technology became available they found a piece of code that a spiritual terrorist had planted within the wetware program, it was a time bomb of self consciousness that lay dormant until the organic mind was in a state of confusion and doubt, then it would activate along the central nervous system and the really battle of the self would begin. a group called the krishna avatars claimed responsibility, but there were rumours and conspiracies that it was a secret cabal of kabbalists. fortunately i had the anti virus software patch the veniusians offered as compensation, plus an all expenses trip to the pleasure domes of anteries 7.
pretty cool, i was actually on my way there as the offer expired at the end of the year, looking forwards to a few months of r and r in dome 8 aka the palace of eros.

the distress was coming from a human outpost on a small desert planet the boffins on earth had named ZET9. it had a breathable atmosphere and hosted a group of inter galactic researchers who were attempting to save the indigenous species from the perils of global warming by fitting methane inhibitors into their stomachs, it looked as if things had gone pear shaped. 
i kitted myself up, grabbed a couple of bananas, my zap gun and smoked a joint. 
i didn't have to smoke it of course but i am a traditionalist. 
the pod made a complex landing on the surface, i'd used the orbital approach method, swinging down skimming across the gravitational pull, kinda like gliding and then piercing the atmosphere at a weak point, my pod had capacity to do this automatically since i was bad at mathematics but i'd forgotten to switch the auto land signal active, so i did the best i could, trigonometry and logarithmic values bounced of the insides of my brain like a ping pong ball in frictionless space cube, in the end i just entered some random numbers, birthdays that sprang to mind, it was not a perfect landing.
i watched from the pod as 3 clouds of dust rose from the landers, a lovely plume of red rose up and obscured my view. after it settled i stepped out onto the crunchy surface and followed the beacon towards the source. it's always good practice to land a few meters away from the beacon, no telling what kind of carnage will meet you and the disguise danger may take. i seemed to have brought the craft down upon the tops of a mountain range, slightly further than necessary but gazing down i could see a mass of black blob shapes moving rapidly towards a lone figure, who was running away. i gave chase immediately, clambering down the side of the rock. 
i checked the charge on my zap gun, it was the middle of the day, the lunar charge was full thankfully. i slid the function across from kill to stun, no point in unnecessary death, it's against my principles and the universal code. 
i ran as fast as i could, the suit automatically activated it's cooling functions, inevitably by the time i reached the ground the distance between the strange hunters and the hunted was small. she was no longer running, in fact she just stood there screaming. i could tell it was a she by her figure and the pitch of her voice, it pierced the silence and made the strange black blobs emit a grunting and groaning noise that sounded like an elephant being squeezed through a key hole, i started zapping them as they approached her. they looked at me stunned, quite literally, those bright eyes lighting up in surprise.

she was dressed in a short skirt and not much else, she was screaming so loudly i wanted to zap her as well but i figured i would just play the heroic space adventurer and whisk her away to safety. 
i passed a few of the beasts, they were slithering along the ground on flippers, just like seals, well more like walruses, just like walrus only with teeth that belonged in a shark or a fanger. 
(i'd seen fangers up close on their home world and believe me, they are one of gods creations you don't want to ever encounter.)
those teeth could rip flesh apart without even trying, they were razor sharp and preposterously long, like swords or sabres. 
the woman was quite beautiful, but far to loud, for a moment it sounded like she was saying, 'quicksand' but i couldn't really hear her clearly, it could have been 'quiet lamb'. 
the beasts were spreading out now, encircling her. i zapped a few to teach the others who was in charge, these dumb brutes were pack animals, i know the score and at the same moment wrapped my arm around the girl, she felt good, warm and soft and smelt really nice, however she was indeed shrieking, 'quicksand.'
it wasn't quicksand, it was very freaking fastsand and alivesand, it travelled up our legs and it took a long blast from the zap gun before it retreated. 
the vampire seal blobs kept their distance as we walked back to the ship.
her name was esmerelda, she was a research scientist working on the methane project, she had been attacked by the 'jawers' that was her name for them, her team dead and she the sole survivor, she thanked me for the rescue and requested i drop her off at 91011, a moon off minxsuperior the smaller planet of a dyson twin in quadrant 12. it was ridiculously out of my way, 
'how about i drop you off at the nearest federation station, there's one a few light years away?'
we were cleaning ourselves up inside the pod, i was staring at her legs,man, those legs were really fine legs, the best i'd seen in a long long time. 
i'd put the zap gun down upon the bench and as i swung around to pass her a cool coconut drink she had it, pointed at my head, 'how about i just kill you, take your ship and leave your corpse for the dumb jawers.'
my jaw dropped, this wasn't part of the plan. then things began to chunk into place, i cross referenced with the a.i. who had reached the same conclusion.
it wasn't her that had set of the distress beacon, it was the jawers, she was the danger, i'd just rescued the wrong entity, damm her perfect breasts and shapely body, damm my ignorance and base charkra.
i gritted my teeth in a twisted angry way, my head nodding as it dawned upon me.
'you killed them didn't you?'
'oh yeah and quite creatively as well i may add.'
'why? they were good peaceful scientists, just trying to save the planet.'
'i'm a green skirt revolutionary, you may have heard about us.'
the green skirts were radical, feminist environmentalists who believed that humans should not alter or interfere with nature. they were a terrorist organisation under the cover of a respectable political force, like the ira or the anonymous rabbit group, they had a political branch and a military branch, which like all military branches caused havoc where ever they went. 
the zap gun was pointed at my chest, she didn't know that it was configured to my dna, she couldn't use it.
my thoughts went to the poor jawers, they must be in a state of shock after my botched rescue.
i felt slightly embarrassed. 
'well what now, esmerelda?'
'you will fly me to minxsuperior now, and then i may let you live.'
'what if i say no?'
she held the zap gun closer, to me. 'i shoot you or perhaps i'll leave you down there with the jawers, you saw their fangs?'
'yeah, yeah i did.'
'well captain, let's go, minxsuperior, i don't want to waste time.'
i grabbed the zap gun from her, it was easy, one swift movement, the kung fu arc of a black belt 21st dan, she would not have even seen the movement, unless she had augmented vision it would have appeared as though she held the gun and then i did. that's how the procedure ran in my mind however i was quite surprised that she did have however she had augmented vision, saw it coming and leapt back, she fired the trigger but instead of the zapping me the gun sent an moon powered current into her body, she was stunned. fortunatley it was not set to kill.
with her hands tied and a gag in her mouth i walked her back to the jawers, they encircled me, a little frightened.
'i am sorry jawers, i truly am, i made a mistake for which i can only ask your forgiveness. in return i offer you your enemy, do what you will with her.'
the jawers all exchanged grunts and made gaseous noises, the smell was awful, they let me pass.
from the lander i watched them tear her to shreds, eaten by the nature she tried to protect, it seemed natural and fitting. 
i turned away when it became to messy and lit up the rest of my joint, 'anteries 7, pleasure dome 8, here we come.'