ah ha!
i've just discovered something amazing. possibly the most amazing thing i've written about on this blog, it's not really for anyone but me and i don't expect anyone to understand it (this applies to my whole blog) because i'm uncertain that i understand this as well but it is something that has really helped me thus i note it here.
i guess i should prepare the background to save you having to research the blog history.
all my life i looked for meaning, because i had a strange life filled with the unusual experience and my family background is based in mysticism and weirdness so i have a natural affinity to these things. plus i am blessed or cursed with an inquiring mind. i seek answers to the perennial questions.
as a young person i was tuned into various transmissions, via dreams and ideas mostly, i always felt directed. there was times i attempted to gain control and steer my own ship but i would inevitably end up full circle, then there was times i would surrender and just go with the flow, and i would end up full circle. there were times i flirted with religion and ended up disenchanted, the same with political ideology, i tested everything and found it all wanting. the transmissions were not a schizophrenic illusion, they were clear messages, astral and intuitive. metaphorical but all pointing to one direction. magick.
why this is not a figment of my imagination is a combination of repeated experiments done under scientific conditions, usually involving lottery tickets but often more macroscopic concepts, events and people. and also my research has been extensive and wide. anyone who knows me would say i am very well versed in matters occult. however i am also a rationalist and skeptic, so i would like to think of myself as beyond blind faith.
a few years ago i completed training in a transpersonal art therapy course which gave me the chance to look at my life patterns and map some of the events subconsciously. again i was brought back to the concept of magickal currents that run through my life, often shamanic in the process of transpersonal because the shaman and magickian are the same. one is a western model of the eastern idea, obviously a merging was necessary to gain a full picture as it applied to me. the shamanistic stage stops where magickian starts but none the less, it is imperative a foundation to build on. to complicate matters this is not a linear process. its a process of intuition.
so reading my books and application of them can only get one so far, it's almost the same as having all the pieces of the puzzle and the picture on the box but not actually being able to find the last few missing pieces that fill in the picture.
i knew crowley held the key but i knew that he was smart enough not to make it obvious. that the key required supreme effort and scrutiny, and could only be found by those who understood the key concepts by intuition and initiation. my initiation happened when i was about 16. at the time i had no idea what it meant, until much later. it was the first piece of a puzzle.
i swam through magical frameworks, ennochian, elemental, astral, ritual, sexual, memetic and chaotic. but i also build my own which i have no name for. maybe transdimentional magick will suffice. thus a frame was constructed.
this involved a number of things, chris hyatt helped me as he instructed me through his institute for extreme individuals along with RAW who mentored me with Peter Carroll in the Maybe Logic Acadamy. to whom i am eternally grateful. i mention these names not as status but because not to do so takes away from the amount they helped me. i had done half the work myself but would have remained in darkness were it not for these wonderful and generous people. i am still in darkness by the way. it would be a mistake to think of me as an enlightened being, i'm subject to the same folly as most and when i make a mistake it's a fabulous mess of entanglement and embarrassment. but onwards i go. some of the important keys to overcome are

fear and fear of death
understanding ego
understanding belief
the illusionary aspect of duality
the illusionary aspect of reality
the physics these things ie the laws of nature.

when i say understand, i mean intuit. mental cognition will fail us. one must trust sensory perceptions that are unproven and beyond science at the moment. there's always been a correlation between science and magick, peter carroll himself is a scientist and a brilliant magickian. so we are wandering territory that has no definition other than symbolic. the symbol is as real as the territory. this is very important. the map is not the landscape. the other defining proposition is the idea that 'nothing is true everything is permitted.'
consider that a moment.