forever in a blink of an i
the wheel kept turning
the spiral of time pushed in all directions
we learn to recall what we know but forgot
we forget recall and just let it happen
unfolding possibility and contemplation
eventually everything stops
and what you are left with is true.

i have been many things to many people. often there is a distortion, people perceive me as one thing then discover the other, i do this all the time to myself, it's best to be in constant change anyway, there's plenty of time to cease. everything is maya, including the judgments, thoughts and ideas, when buddha taught non attachment he was not just talking about material objects, he was talking about mental constructs. most indians did not own much to be attached to anyways.
my battle with myself is the war within, i fail all the time, my addictions and impulses are wild and even though they operate within a moral code of my own making they are tested, put through the extremes of experience so that i can decipher my own reality, not the one that is imposed upon me. i have no talents or gifts but i understand the nature of life, know thyself and be true to who you are as best you can. these are the best we can do. the rest is window dressing. western culture is an illusion. it's a beautiful intricate one and i'm in it's awe but i also want to destroy it, only to recreate it in my image. the more society says something is taboo the more repressed it becomes. impulses and urges if non destructive and consensual should be expressed. sexuality like spirituality should be explored, unless you know yourself how do you know anything. and to know yourself requires unknowing.
ultimately i know myself by what i am not not what i am. my intentions are always honorable, i have nothing to impress, impart or offer other than the sum of my experience as it relates to myself not you. life is overcoming fear and learning to love. i love my enemies, though they irritate me a lot, i love what they show me about myself and about how to be, if it was not for my misfortune i would never ever know anything about this existence. if it was not for the strange tangents and contradictions i would never understand how my reality works. i can't really do anything with it, there is no will to, other than let it happen. i see the potential and the failings and i cast no judgement, all is equal to the spirit, all is equal. one mans demise is one mans rise but the man is the same thing. if one man falls we should help pick him up and assist him on his way, this is compassion but it is also the way to move forwards. through hate, through self loathing and through our own personal pain.

but at the end of the day we are not defined by external things, some one can call me a loser or a success. another can call me a freak or a humble gentle man. in the end i am only a reflection.
i lost everything that i thought defined me, including my mind. for 4 years i was lost, wandering around in maze haze daze, im sure i have written about that time here. my desperate attempts at love have always been desperate since then, i always wanted to be loved in a way, just like your average citizen. it was not until i smashed my brain and went through that strange process of loss again, that i made a breakthrough. meredith loved me hated that love returned but post accident i was able to love her in a supreme way, she left me seeking her corruption elsewhere hence the terrible sadness, because its ironic yeah?

with ayahuscia i felt that perfect love. it was not chemical, it was not even human, it was not anything like anything, but it was ultimate. and it's there all the time for me. thus i seek nothing else from anyone else. there is no need. i guess i've done my bit as far as biology goes and he's a fine man, mission accomplished.